AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

[DazeinDays]

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

What are you wanting? A leaving party?
They haven’t insulted your family at all.

I fear you MAY be overestimating the role of your children in this school.

Without meaning to sound harsh, their classmates will struggle to remember their names next year

Could the school possibly do a raffle to raise funds to get the helpline up and running?!
Unbelievable

Children leave school all the time and, tbh, I have so much to think about, plan, resource, sort and assess that, unless I have a really fantastic TA who can sort making a card and having children sign it. I wouldn't have time to do anything. Usually we just say at the end of the day this is blahs last day. Say goodbye and wish them luck. That's it. At the end of the day - harsh as it is - my job is to get my class up to the expected standard in writing, reading and maths, not pander to an insulted parent because we are not putting on a full all singing, all dancing assembly or something!

Yabu. I went to lots of schools when I was young and nothing was ever said when I left. I used to tell my friends and they would say goodbye and that was that. No harm came to me emotionally. I agree it's an important lesson to learn but your children don't need to learn it by a massive fuss being made because they are going to another school.

What between this thread and yesterday's grilled badger and rice at the Natural History Museum effort, I can't remember the last time I've been so entertained by AIBU threads.

Keep up the good work, OP. 👍

Grilled? It was steamed ffs.

😜

Loads of children change/ join schools - just because it’s a small school and your 3 precious darlings have been there “ for ages” ( take a guess how many pupils the staff have seen come and go) really does not merit a fanfare and PDA for your kids. Revolutionary suggestion- if you feel this is such a big deal why don’t you, like thousands of parents before ( whose children have changed schools at mid years) actually organise a leaving do/ party for the kids yourself?

You leave, the kids leave. Done. Unless you’re posh spice or Kate?

I've had four kids leave my class this year (we are in an area with a very high turnover of population). Two of them we made a card, two of them the parents never even contacted the school - they were just gone one day.

There's no 'procedure'. If parents want to send in sweets or something, I don't know why that needs to be something the school are emailed about?

It's clear you're being a bit precious. If your kids need to say goodbye to their friends, what's stopping them? Are you expecting a special assembly or something?

At primary school my daughter's best friend's dad came to pick her up midway through the day and said she wouldn't be coming back as they were moving - that was the first anyone knew of it. My DD, a rather shy and lonely child at that age, about 7, was devastated. She never heard or saw of her again. The school had known nothing about it until the dad came that day and picked her up.

Current school - relauively low turnover - parents would tend to let us know in advance that a child is leaving. i would chat to the child 'Oh, I gather you're going to a new school / new house - have you seen it? What's it like? Do you want other people to know abut it? Have you told your friends or would you prefer me to tell the class?'

Then I tell the class - or they tell their friends and the news spreads. We may well make a card - class photo, signed, would be the norm - and acknowledge their final day & present the card in class at the end of the day to wish them good luck. Headteacher would pop in or chat to them in the corridor to wish them well.

Behind the scenes I will do anything that is helpful to ease transition to the new school - write report, send over books or paperwork, obviously discuss any SEN in advance etc.

Tbh, as we are over-subscribed, a departure always means a new member of class within a couple of days and that creates MUCH more excitement amongst the children!

Previous school - high proportion of Travellers - we had such a high turnover that we simply accepted that whoever was on the register that day was the class. If another child joined the class in mid-morning, or left after lunch, nobody really batted an eyelid...

This can't be serious?
Surely it's up to children to stay in touch with their friends if they wish to.
Expecting school to make a fuss because someone is moving is absolutely crazy.
Surely, "Bye,good luck " should suffice.

it feels a big shift for us to leave

I think you are being overemotional about it all. It's up to you to figure out how your family would like to say goodbye, not the school.

it feels a big shift for us to leave

You have to remember that a whole year group leaves every school, every year, in addition to any in-year turnover.

Yes, it is a big deal for you. For the school - not so much, unless the departure of 3 children takes them below financial viability with their current staffing, which would of course be a problem.

I went to a few primary schools and don't remember if I ever knew when it was my last day. At 15 I went to school and it turned out to be my last day with no notice. 30 years later my oldest friend told me she was so upset that we weren't allowed to say good bye to each other. We've stayed in touch as luckily I had her home address but things like a sudden departure can have an upsetting consequence.

As a teacher, I normally make a card for children leaving & have the class sign it. Perhaps you could bring some cakes to school on the last day as a little celebration/thanks. Sometimes playing things down helps everyone adjust without making too much of a big issue about it.

Oh dear Lord! I think you have a high faulted opinion that your family are then be all and end all of the school and it will collapse when you leave. Gave me a laugh anyway- 😂

YABU to feel insulted, absolutely ridiculous in fact.

Take a few bags of Haribo in, write your phone number/kids email address down for anyone that wants to stay in touch, maybe have your DC best friends over for tea. Job done.

No need for fuss or the school to do anything. I mean this kindly, they won’t even remember your DC in a couple of weeks!

A school is a community ... to make no mention or mark a leaving is cold and reflects badly on the school teachers leaders etc. Especially in this type of setting. Think of it through the child’s perspective they need to see a proper ending. Or are children just numbers for funding.

I agree with you totally. Goodbyes are very important for children, disappearances cause insecurity for all children. I’m a children’s mental health nurse and managing transitions, changes, goodbyes are very important and part of development. We make a goodbye book for every child that leaves our ward with messages from every member of staff. I think you should take charge- a goodbye party or at least cake and park play date after their last day.

Presumably you'll have a little get together with all their closest friends, so when you all leave they will inform the other classmates or maybe your children could do that themselves

Do none of you have any friends you knew from primary school or have children who have/had significant friendships at their school?

I think this is basic life skills.

Would rather my kids learnt about relationships from a young age

Then teach them!

Has no one ever left from your kids school before? What did they do?

My kids are at a school with exceptionally high mobility. My daughter was in a year group of 17 in Reception, there were 23 by Y6, but only 7 of those were the original 17. Many other kids joined and left inbetween. Of them the only one who had a lasting impact and caused upset was when it was my daughter's best friend and she left with no notice. We thought they'd gone on holiday at the beginning of September until school told us a couple of weeks into the term that they'd gone for good.

Another girl left to be adopted when they were in nursery and my daughter drew her lots of pictures, but she doesn't remember that now.

Sometimes when kids have left the class my kids have come home with a bag of sweets as a goodbye gift but usually nothing has happened. The teacher makes a point of mentioning it at the end of the day so they can all say goodbye but that's all.

My best friend moved to a different area when I was 7. We gave each other a gift, swappped addresses and were penpals for well into our teens. We're in touch now through facebook. Our interests are still remarkably similar.

I haven’t read all replies. But I’m sure schools do it differently. When a child leaves our primary because they are moving, the class has made the leaving child a big card, signing it.
But I think if a child has left because the parent doesn’t like the school then that child has just left quietly (hasn’t happened often in 13 years at the primary school) I guess we can’t expect all schools to do it the same way. Though as it’s a small village school, I’m surprised.