Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

319 replies

Isshebeingserious · 15/11/2018 19:35

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 17/11/2018 12:04

If a good friend forgot my bday for 10 years I’d prob tell her to eff off tbh!! I’m assuming she’s a proper good friend who you see regularly and not someone who is occasionally in your life.
Yes, she overreacted, but you’re also not taking her feelings into account - for whatever reason she likes celebrating her bday.,

I have about 5 friends who I send cards to or email/text rather than post on FB as they’re close friends. If I forgot one year it wouldn’t be awful but then I’d make a special point of writing it in phone or diary for next year.

headinhands · 17/11/2018 14:37

Do you think there's a similar thread on dadsnet? I thought not. How come men conduct friendships without giving each other cards?

headinhands · 17/11/2018 14:42

But it's not about you; it's about the person with the birthday and what matters to them.

But I wouldn't feel comfortable expecting someone to do something I want them to do, to avoid a tantrum from me. It makes it all an embarrassing farce.

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2018 14:44

nanny but not all of us have the time and energy to thinking about what is important to every single person.

You have hundreds of close friends and family do you?

And if you do happen to have loads, there are ways of organising if you can be bothered. But going by your phrasing, I presume you can't?

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2018 14:45

But I wouldn't feel comfortable expecting someone to do something I want them to do, to avoid a tantrum from me. It makes it all an embarrassing farce.

Me neither. I'd have realised that in the Grand Scheme of Things I wasn't that important to them. So I'd take the hint.

headinhands · 17/11/2018 14:54

in the Grand Scheme of Things I wasn't that important to them. So I'd take the hint.

Hm, I tend to have other ways of determining the entire worth of a friendship. Like emotional support and so on.

CoughLaughFart · 17/11/2018 19:47

Do you think there's a similar thread on dadsnet? I thought not. How come men conduct friendships without giving each other cards?

Why are you making this about gender? Several women on this thread have said they’re not bothered about birthday cards. The OP’s friend is an INDIVIDUAL, regardless of gender - and this IS important to her.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 17/11/2018 20:18

Yeah you're doing this deliberately and if I were her I'd drop you. You've had ten years to stop doing something that you know upsets her. You have a phone, you have a calendar, you have the likes of moonpig erg and you STILL forget her birthday every year and just make excuses about how you dont do things. You're a shit friend.

Petalflowers · 17/11/2018 21:25

Mn is funny sometimes. On this thread,the op is getting a rollicking. I’m sure on another day, people would consider the birthday girl is the guilty party, being over dramatic and self-centred, and making it all about her.

Hodge00079 · 17/11/2018 23:20

Good that you have cleared the air.

Think you need to be honest for both your sakes. The fact you haven’t remembered her birthday means you don’t think it is a big deal. If it was important you probably would have found some system by now. Perhaps it is saying sorry and giving hope that next year will be different that makes things worse. Better to say I forget your birthday but that doesn’t mean I do not care.

headinhands · 18/11/2018 09:41

Yeah you're doing this deliberately and if I were her I'd drop you

So you'd drop a friendship that was supportive in every other way just because the friend never remembered your birthday. With those priorities I wouldn't want you as a friend.

headinhands · 18/11/2018 09:50

in the Grand Scheme of Things I wasn't that important to them

You do know that other people think differently to you don't you? It's a shame that you'd interpret others benign behaviour so negatively

HellenaHandbasket · 18/11/2018 09:51

The OP admits that she remembers other people's, so she does do birthdays. Just not this one. In 10 yrs she has given to others and received from them and this friend, yet never remembered this one. It's not pathetic to feel the wrong of that!

Bluesheep8 · 18/11/2018 10:02

You are both being ridiculous. After all these years, she either accepts that this is the way you are or you accept that because it's important to her that you need to make sure you remember. Just decide which and do one or the other. Or think about whether you both subconsciously enjoy this annual bickering??

Bluesheep8 · 18/11/2018 10:07

Thinking about it, why DO you forget just hers when It's on such a significant date? There are reminders everywhere in the weeks preceding it. That's probably why she's pissed off.

Bluesheep8 · 18/11/2018 10:08

And I speak as someone who is renowned for forgetting loads of birthdays and getting grief for it

TiggerSnooze · 14/12/2018 16:00

Do adults seriously go around remembering other people's birthdays?! And getting bothered when others don't?!

Clearly those offended by this don't have birthdays in early January.

That said, I guess I probably would have put a reminder in my phone or something if someone was so bothered about it that they had upbraided me for forgetting before.... Even if I was also a bit 🤨

ThatThingYouDo · 14/12/2018 17:23

If she remembers your birthday and takes the time to message you on the actual day, it's rubbish that you can't reciprocate.

Forget all the excuses (because let's be honest, they are excuses), would you forget your mum's birthday? Your husbands? Your child's? Other friends? I doubt it, so you are capable of remembering other events. It shows that she's just not as important to you, and honestly, that would piss me off too.

ThistleAmore · 14/12/2018 17:52

My OH's birthday is 11/11 AND I have relatives who died in WWI/II.

I've never had a problem with the two.

I'm with your mate here, forgetting somebody's birthday for A DECADE isn't just absent-minded, it's downright bloody disrespectful.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page