Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

I see the competitive birthday deniers are out again. Fighting to show who gives the least fucks of all, when in the actual real world, 99% of people like to be wished Happy Birthday once a year, and grown adults manage to use whatever system works for them to enable that for people they care about.

I care about birthdays. Maybe that makes me weird according to some!! That said I’m not bothered if people forget mine. But I love all birthdays. Mine and other people’s. It’s a special day. Clearly some people couldn’t care less but your friend is obviously not one of them. And I’m sorry but your excuse about the significance of the day being the reason you always forget sounds like a crock of shit! It obviously hurts her feelings when you forget it every year and this year was the final straw. It doesn’t matter whether a bunch on here say she’s childish. Or it’s only a birthday. She’s your friend and you’ve been a bit thoughtless year after year and made crap excuses and now she’s upset. You need to make it up to her. Doesn’t have to be a massive gesture but an apology wouldn’t go amiss. Instead of wasting your time on here seeking validation from people you don’t know! You’re the one in danger of alienating a good friend so put it right.

If it bothers her that much, why is she still friends with you?!! There must be more to your relationship than just birthdays then!!
I am one of a group of three women (all had babies around the same time) and I’m the one who is always late; always forgets the cakes; always has to be worked around because I work shifts, the others don’t.
They still live me because they accept that’s who I am. And I love them dearly.

They live me, not live me. That would be TOO freaky

FGS!!! Love me, not live me!!

"a shit friend"??? Unbelievable.

She's the one who sounds like a shit friend, JC, once you're older than about 16, who the hell cares about any of this stuff?

They may live/live/love you Renster, but it a near-cert that you are also pissing them off - you are a grown woman and presumably able to remember things and be on time when you think it matters?

Why are you special that you get to opt out of being an adult?

Everyone & I mean everyone forgot my birthday this year. Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered, but this year I cried like a baby. I think it’s just about feeling valued & cared for more than gifts etc. I would have been pleased with just a “happy birthday”

crummyfunnymummy

If you’d bothered to RTFT you would’ve seen we made up. Due to me apologising. And due to me actually being a good friend other than this one thing, she was also sorry for her outburst.

And I’ve set a diary reminder. And sent her flowers. But I guess you didn’t bother to read that before piling in 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not sure it is called seeking validation to be interested in if I’ve been unreasonable and then accepting I had been. But even if it is, if you don’t like it why are you on this forum where people ask for other opinions all the time?!

Renster, you sound like a PITA.

People who think they're too "special" and "busy" and "quirky" to be on time and remember birthdays really piss me off. I guarantee it does annoy all of your friends and just because they're polite enough to put up with it doesn't mean it's not extraordinarily rude on your part.

She is being silly. Id say grow up or trot on. I dont bother so much with birthdays, just gamily and a close friend. It wouldnt bother me at all if no one remembered my birthday apart from family but im a twin so they have to remember. At the end of the day your not a shit mate but she sounds needy. Some people dont have much in life but to think about themselves. My whole family lead very busy lives and barely get time for each other, so concentrate on tgat rather then much else.

I get you op. There are so some birthdays ( usually family) I remember, some I don't and some that are hit and miss. I find orgsnisational stuff annoying and birthdays are just another thing on my calendar. I forget loads of stuff on it because there is already so much in it, that it can overwhelm me.

I would just be honest and say you are unlikely to remember it next year either and if it bothers her enough to drop you as a friend you know where you stand really. She sounds like hard work anyway.

I am one of a group of three women (all had babies around the same time) and I’m the one who is always late; always forgets the cakes; always has to be worked around because I work shifts, the others don’t.

This isn't quirky, this is just showing disrespect for people. You don't care enough about them to make an effort. Grown adults who think they are of so amusing because they are always late or forget things are pathetic. Grow up, set reminders, show some respect to others.

Me and my BFF who I’ve known for 25+ years never remember each other’s birthdays. But it doesn’t matter to us. The fact that we are there for each other when no one else has been outweighs trivial stuff. Love that girl :)
I see both sides, but I don’t think YABU if she’s lost her shit, especially with what’s going on in your life.

I have two friends that have been my friends for 40 and 20 years respectively. Neither remember mine nor do i remember theirs. I usually get pretty close. They don't until i mention what i did for it.

They are wonderful, loyal and kind friends. Birthdays aren't important to us.

You are exactly right!!

Ah who even cares! Life is way too short. Surely a belated happy birthday would have sufficed and you could get on with it.

I'm glad all is well. I'm the same as you - couldn't give two hoots if someone forgot mine we aren't teenagers anymore

just don’t ever put things in my phone! I don’t like to do it

Why not? Your current system clearly isn't working!

Just why do you not like to use an excellent reminder system on your phone?

rcohle being late etc fair enough but forgetting birthdays? Not everyone cares about birthdays. If I want my friends to do something for my birthday, I just remind them, oh it's my birthday, let's go out or whatever. That's a normal adult response, not having a meltdown.

Isshebeingserious

Who has time to RTFT?! Do you know how long that takes?! I’m glad you’ve made up. But I stand by what I said. Your excuses were flimsy! You’ve set a reminder now so hopefully it won’t happen again.

I sent my friend a birthday card every years for 53 years, but one year I forgot (well I didn't forget I was in hospital), and she was very annoyed with me (incidentally I have never received a card from her in all the years I have known her), is she still my friend? a resounding no.

Being a good friend is focusing on what matters to them, not you. I have friends who would be very upset if I forgot their birthday, others who wouldn't care less so I make sure to never forget those for whom it really matters.

One of my closest friend who I see every 3cmonthsxor so will NEVER be the one to make the first contact for us to get together. I could get upset and consider she is a crap friend but I know that it is because I have a much busier and satisfying life than her and a part of her is always worried that I will forget her so this is a way to reassure herself that she still means a lot to me. I don't mind it at all, I know that if I ever needed anything, she'd be the first one there to help.

Friends are like family and relationship, love and caring is not giving what you would like to receive, it's giving what makes them happy. If getting a card for her birthday matters to her than you make that effort, which is just as mi imal as it gets.

OP, has this pattern been going on for the past 10 years?

You forget your friend’s birthday, she gets upset, you know it upsets her but don’t really care & then you make up & it’s all fine again till the same time next year.

As dysfunctional friendships go, this sounds like a text book case!

People are different- for many of us birthdays are just not a thing. I would not anything on my birthday from friends- how would they know ?