Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

Saying sorry many years on the trot is a frustration to your friend. It has become meaningless because you just have to forget then come out with the same lame excuse each time. A bit PA

We were always taught sorry means I won't do it again, but in your case it's I'm not going to take steps to change myself, I'll just say the word.

Jacqui Lawson.com does lovely electronic cards for about £7 a year. You can set up annual reminders which are sent to your email account about 10 days and 5 days so no excuses [smle]

Ah come on it’s important to her, and yet you never remember! In fact you are using everything you can to justify why you should remember and why she shouldn’t be upset! It’s just not nice is it.... either end the friendship or try harder!

I am amused at the vitriol directed at those who like to be wished 'happy birthday'. Those on here who don't care about their birthdays at all, who think it's juvenile to want anyone to acknowledge their birthdays because it's childish and pathetic. 'Birthdays aren't important. Once you get past 16, you shouldn't expect anyone to remember etc etc'

I presume all those people wouldn't worry if everyone forgot their birthday. Their partners, children, parents and friends. After all, it just isn't important is it..

FWIW the older you get (I'm old) birthdays do become less important, but if, for instance, my two best friends of 40 years plus, my kids, and my husband didn't even wish me happy birthday, of course I would be upset, and I betcha so would everyone else. However, I don't want gifts, I don't want money spent on me... just an acknowledgement.

@ShotsFired yep!

I didn't know hating on birthdays was a thing until I joined mum's net! I live making a fuss of friends and family on their birthday. I also like using my birthday as a day to just stop and relax. So I must be really childish. Tbh I think we need as much joy in the world as we can get so I'm going to keep enjoying my birthday and others birthday's.

I'm shit at birthdays. Thankfully I have friends that would have a go at me for forgetting however, I'm consistently shit with everyone, even family. However, I'm not fussed about mine really. Just a text would be nice I suppose but as long as my son remembers that's all I want.

Your friend knows that you remember other peoples though and I expect its that, that hurts her. Moonpig all the way here. However, I do think she was unreasonable to expect you to remember this year due to other circumstances.

would 'not' have a go at me!

I you can work Mumsnet then you can set a calendar to say "one week til Friend's birthday" on 4th November.

It doesn't matter whether you, or I, or half this thread, think that remembering the exact day of a birthday is important.

Your friend thinks it is important.

The way to be a good friend is to believe your friends when they say they care about a thing, and not dismiss it as a silly thing that they shouldn't care about.

I agree it definitely is a MN thing. I know no one in RL who would be fine with everyone forgetting their birthday because it's juvenile to want it remembered.

This peculiar thing goes in the MN black hole along with going apeshit at anyone daring to ring your phone or doorbell or text you, and washing towels every day on a boil wash

Send interflora flowers then they will send u a reminder every year

So next year op sends a text/card whatever. Does the friend think 'aww, she remembered my birthday.' Wouldn't she be thinking. ' She's only sent this because I caused a fuss every time she forgot with an extra hissy for last year' which would make the gesture empty.

Not everyone remembers birthdays. It shouldn't be those who don't do it just doing it anyway for those who do. You might think a friend who doesn't remember birthdays as shit. I have different ideas of what makes a shit friend.

I think opinions on birthdays vary depending on how they were celebrated in your family, what your age and situation is, whether it's a friend or close family member etc. You'll get a range of responses to this. My personal feeling is that it's not a big deal if you forget. I do often forget birthdays but we forgive each other as we know we have busy lives/kids/jobs etc. We're not teenagers anymore when friends birthdays were all important. I'm guessing your attitude is similar but I think maybe in this case if you value the friendship maybe make an exception and set a reminder as it seems to upset your friend so much when you forget. It would take 30 secs and would save you drama every year!

The point is you are obvs good friends and do birthdays, you can't be arsed to remember hers becuase you're being disorganised and a bit shit. Own it.

It isn't the forgetting. It is the remembering everyone else bar this one, that would hurt. That isn't childish.

I might be the one who’s late/forgets the cakes etc. But I do remember birthdays.
And no I’m not special. I’m just me. They could cut me off if they wanted to, but they don’t.

And to whoever says I sound like a PITA-I’m usually the one who pays as I have more disposable income than they, and less family to spend it on; I look after their kids when/if they need it at the drop of a hat; I always drive when we all go out; provide a shoulder to cry on if they need it; but yeah, I’m a real PAIN IN THE ARSE because all those things pale into insignificance because I have a bad memory.

I think opinions on birthdays vary depending on how they were celebrated in your family, what your age and situation is, whether it's a friend or close family member etc. You'll get a range of responses to this.

This is true

My personal feeling is that it's not a big deal if you forget.

But it's not about you; it's about the person with the birthday and what matters to them.

I have lots of friends, never forget any of their birthdays. However, there's one group of 8 friends, who hang around and socialise a lot because we all met doing the same hobby. We always, always, go out for a meal on each other's birthday or the Saturday just after if the birthday is midweek. We were 7 but one of the singles met someone last year and announced their engagement a few weeks ago. They wedding has already been booked apparently, only four months away. No idea why the rush and they aren't in jobs like teachers which make it more difficult. They've been together a year but haven't lived together.

We were all out in a pub when they announced the date to the other 6 of us, saying they wanted all of us to take part. At which point friend X says "that's my birthday". Groom looked aghast and just said "is it? sorry, I'd forgotten!" Friend X is my best friend and we always have the day out together doing something (usually adventurous and expensive) and meet up with the others in the evening. We've already booked it and stand to lose £200 before we start talking cost of the wedding stuff. She's not very happy...

The moral of this story is while YOU may not make a fuss about birthdays, some people - especially if they have no family - DO. And friends should know if birthdays are important to someone or not and to forget it for 10 years, I'm not surprised she's pissed off.

nanny but not all of us have the time and energy to thinking about what is important to every single person.

The fact is you forget because you can't be arsed. You remember the others, which suggests very strongly that she doesn't matter to you.

I'm surprised she hasn't ditched you long ago.

I didn't think it was such a big thing remembering friends birthdays to be honest.

I've only every really remembered one friends because it's right near Christmas so very rememberable but other than that it's social media that reminds me every year.

I would never make such a big deal over a friend forgetting my birthday. It's different if it's your DP or close family.

I didn't think it was such a big thing remembering friends birthdays to be honest
Really?
I have two v close friends I've known decades... I'm talking 50 years! I went to school with them, we've never lost contact, yet it's a 'thing' to remember their birthdays and it doesn't matter if I don't?!

Now... there's lots of what I call more acquaintances, I don't do their birthdays but surely everyone makes an effort for close or longstanding friends

FFS it's one day of the year to thank and celebrate that person and be extra nice to them.
The remembrance Sunday thing is weird. Surely that's even more reason to remember? It serves as a reminder every year? 10 years to forget a supposed friends birthday is not nice at all. Sorry.

The op does think it is important, she remembers other people just not this one. That is what would hurt.