Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

I'd cut you some slack this year under the circumstances but you really need to get yourself organised. If you have a diary and don't write things in it and don't use your phone how do you plan for events/appointments etc?

Surely the very fact that it IS armistice day should after a few years of knowing her serve as a reminder in itself. Oh poppies everywhere, remeberance day, X's birthday.

That said there isn't a law to say you have to send birthday cards.

Your a crap friend.

• you’re

Please insult me in a grammatically correct manner. 😁

You've forgotten every year for 10 years? Sorry op but that's pretty shitty especially if she's always remembering yours.. I doubt her life has nothing going on but she still manages to remember.

I think I'd be tired of your excuses too.

OP, I'm glad you've made up with your friend. And that you've set up moonpig. and that you've put a reminder in your Notes.
I strongly recommend that you find some sort of calendar or diary that doesn't give you the willies. With a baby, you're going to have all manner of doc appointments, jabs, play dates, baby groups, new baby friends' birthdays, childcare arrangements, etc etc. They are honestly relentless!
Life runs a hell of a lot more smoothly if you're organised and ahead of things.

You're making so many excuses to not remember her birthday- PP said when you
See a poppy that should remind you and you say you can't because it deserves respect? Buy a poppy
And at the same time thing oh it's my friends birthday... you don't sound like a great friend tho

Op doesn't want the drama. Your reasoning is utter nonsense. Game playing?!?!

Of course she does - every year she forgets. Every year friends 'bollocks' her - that's drama, if she didn't want it she wouldn't court it Every. Single. Year.
We don;t repeatedy do something with 'adverse' results unless we on some level enjoy those results.

And if you repeatedly do something that hurts someone , and you know it hurts them then you are 'game playing' - manipulating someone else's emotions - hurting them when you could easily avoid doing so, continuing to assure them you won't hurt them again and then doing it - classic mind games.

Don't dimiss something as nonsense just because you have no experience or knowledge of it.

YABU

You sound like a friend of mine. Lovely person, her heart is in the right place and I love her dearly. However she is the most scatty, flakey person I know. She ALWAYS forgets my birthday and my kids birthdays and I ALWAYS remember hers and her kids. We are part of a large friendship group and we all laugh and joke about her forgetfulness. But honestly? It does piss me off and I actually find it a bit hurtful. As several people have suggested, there are umpteen ways of remembering these things and it just feels like she can’t be arsed. As I say, it pisses me off.

This would really upset me if you were my friend. Honestly it doesn't take much effort at all to set a reminder or write it on a calendar somewhere. It clearly doesn't bother you that you've upset her every year because you've not done anything to solve the problem, therefore I would feel like you weren't really that bothered about being my friend. To be honest I would have cut contact with you years ago.

My friends and I rarely remember each other's birthdays. Usually someone spots it on Facebook or asks isn't your birthday coming up this month? And we are told the date. It's hardly important

Been there - I’m the crap one who forgets too... I’d say examine your friendship a little bit, you both have reasons and no matter what anybody tells you (or her) you’ll think you’re the “most right”.

But if you care about this friend and want to see that friendship continue, try to have a face to face conversation and as hard as it will be, try not to become defensive. I say this as somebody who fell out with my best friend for years after almost the same scenario as you - after a while I grew up a little (no offence intended) and saw her side more and more clearly and felt like absolute crap.

I reconnected with her luckily and managed to convey this to her and she responded she had felt the same way but didn’t want to take the first step in reconnecting in case I told her where to shove it...

I guess my point is, lifes too short - if you truly recognise this as one of your short comings then have a bit more patience with the friend who feels upset

.

@Isshebeingserious - I don't like online calendars either. I find them overly complicated and creepy and I worry about losing everything. I've put my birthdays into Moonpig and I also have a real life birthday book (which I forget to look in). I find the Mpig reminders really work for me. Well done for sorting it all anyway.

Leaving aside the birthday thing which is resolved now, how how how HOW do you manage without a diary? If someone says can you come round on the weekend on 27th/28th, or you have dentist apt 2 months in advance, etc etc? And soon when your baby is older they will have birthday parties etc... and you'll have to also note every day whether you or DH is doing nursery pickups or similar...

I cannot see how you can manage with its day-by-day calendar of some kind. Nor what these willies are you speak of.

I'll head to the other thread!!

*without a day-by-day calendar

spiderdemon

I have a list on notes in my phone - to be honest the problem with it is that when I attend an appointment I delete it, so I never know retrospectively when I’ve attended something.

This is the strangest thread!

When you say this OP...
I don’t want to associate something that deserves somber respect like that with a birthday
Do you think that all those troops who gave their lives for our country would not want anyone being remember on their 11th November birthdays?
You just cannot link the two!

Even I will remember your friends birthday next year! I don't know how you can't remember TBH because it is a distinctive date like Christmas Day, Boxing Day etc.

If you had an online calendar it carries forward birthdays and things that happen every year. I know you are technophobe but it just does it all for you.

ooh you definitely want to keep your appointment/notes from the past when you have children.
"When did you have the first round of allergy tests?" says the doctor
"Did she go to Felix's party last year, because if so we probably need to invite Felix?" says DH
"I've got 3 days holiday left, don't you remember I didn't take those extra days last Christmas?" says the nanny...

This is an alternate universe to me. I don't remember friends' birthdays and they don't remember mine. No cards are exchanged or messages sent. Zero. I care about my friends but we're grown ups and busy people.

But spiderdemon, if I used a paper calendar, wouldn’t I throw it away at the end of the year anyway? I do see your point though!

Rousette

I don’t understand why you, or other posters, fail to understand that people’s memories work in a different way. Clearly the significance of the day DOES NOT help me remember! I haven’t managed to link them like that! Clearly! And I don’t really want to either - even if you don’t understand why, i think her birthday is in one corner and the ww1 in the other. One is a very serious and sad event and one should be joyous. It’s a bit like if someone dies on your birthday it’s sad because you’ll always remember their death on your birthday, at least for me anyway. Did make me laugh that you will remember it next year - perhaps I should get everyone on MN to send her a birthday message 😂

If I forgot my closest friends birthday I’d be super annoyed at myself (and we haven’t even been friends as long as you and yours)!

It's not her fault that she was born on 11/11 you are being entirely unreasonable to not wish her a happy birthday because of the date. It's not like you are forgetting but not wanting "to celebrate on a somber date" that stinks frankly.

You are definitely being very unreasonable

YABU.

She has made it very clear that her birthday is important to her and you are almost going out of your way not to remember it. Set a recurring alert on your phone, do it right now, it will take 30 seconds and it will show a dear friend that you value her friendship.

I think the whole thing is a bit odd. I can't imagine being that bothered by a friend forgetting my birthday but I also can't imagine not setting a reminder for my friend's birthday if I knew it was important to them that I remembered. Its almost as if you're both being deliberately stubborn.

I also agree with PP that since you obviously don't have the best memory you need to get a proper calendar. Especially with kids there's always something that can be forgotten and if you can't even remember a friend's birthday when it's already been a recurring issue you're bound to forget all kinds of fancy dress days, school trip pack lunch needed etc.