Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

I wonder if there’s something about your friendship that makes you want to unconsciously cut her down to size? By forgetting her year in, year out?

The fact her birthday is on the 11th November is even more reason to remember

But it’s a very sad day, i think that’s why I don’t make the link

I just feel like I don’t do it on purpose though!

You do though because you refuse to do anything about it.

I would probably think you didn’t like me. Every year? Maybe cool off the relationship of you dont like her?

I can see why she is upset. It does say a lot about how important she is to you. Maybe this is a friendship that has run its course?

I just feel like I don’t do it on purpose though! I’m not trying to hurt her feelings I just don’t remmeber it - it’s weird it’s just this one day I never remember.

You don't do it on purpose.

But

You don't actively choose to remember it

You know you have form for forgetting it but you don't care enough to take steps to remember it

I have no idea why you choose to NOT take steps to help you remember the birthday

You wouldn't be my friend by now. I don't have people like you in my life.

And surely the fact that it’s the same day as Remembrance Day gives you more reason to remember it! It’s not just another unnoticeable day, every time you see a poppy should be a reminder that it’s your friend’s birthday?

I do see the point about putting it in the diary - I just don’t do it so never thought about it. I think if she had suggested normally after I apologised, it I would’ve agreed to it, but it’s the way she kept going on and on and on at me - it just pushed my buttons.

every time you see a poppy should be a reminder that it’s your friend’s birthday?

I don’t want to associate something that deserves somber respect like that with a birthday.

That's a really twatty thing to do. Doesn't matter that it wouldn't bother you. She has told you it bothers her. If you gave a shit, you would sort a way to remember.

If your grandmother in law was in order health and you hand tjust given birth.....you still wouldn't have remembered. So why bring them up?

I just feel like I don’t do it on purpose though!

Yes you do, because for 10 years you’ve refused to make any attempt whatsoever to try and remember.

This shows you don’t value your friend because you know it upsets her but you don’t care enough to do anything about it, yet seem confused that she’s annoyed year after year

The actual birthday message is a red herring I think. The point is your friend thinks it’s important to wish each other a happy birthday. She’s told you this for 10 years and has always remembered yours. I doubt she is that upset about not receiving a text message more that you have ignored something she deems important and therefore she feels unimportant to you.

So rather than spend 2 minutes putting it in your diary or phone you spent time putting up a post on mumsnet?
You are a shit friend. It doesn't matter that you wouldn't care if she forgot, it matters to her and you are supposedly her friend.

I hate celebrating my birthday but I think you're both BU.

You for making no effort to remember her birthday when she always remembers yours and you know it's important to her to get a message from you.

And she is BU for not having stopped wishing you Happy Birthday 9 years ago after the first time you failed to reciprocate with a birthday text.

You really weren't even able to set up a calendar reminder on Outlook (if you had an office job)?

I'm going to go against the tide here.

I have a friend of 20 years + and she often forgets my birthday.

When I was younger and used to do something to make the occasion (usually a group meet up in a pub) she would be there with cards and kisses and now we are in a WhatsApp group I know she sees other friends wishing me happy birthday but there was many a year she forgot.

Never bothered me a bit as she's an absolute diamond but dates aren't her thing. She does tend to forget lots of birthdays though and not just mine.

Or go on Moonpig.com and set up an annual birthday card for her.

If your grandmother in law was in order health and you hand tjust given birth.....you still wouldn't have remembered. So why bring them up?

Maybe it contributed to forgetting this time? Who knows? Memory isn’t such a simple thing - I keep thinking next year I wil remmeber!

I understand a lot of people think AIBU (and some are being quite vocal about that...) but In my defence as I said, I apologised and she kept going on and on about it. Which I don’t think is right either. I really didn’t know that it was such a big deal - she started off by saying “I see you kept our tradition alive 😂” so I thought she saw the funny side!

Antigon
GREAT IDEA, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, you sound like my brother! Pathological demand avoidance, in his case.

Well, you obviously don’t take her feelings seriously and aren’t bothered about the fact it upsets her.

It is a big deal to her.
You KNOW it is a big deal to her but dont care.

I can see why she is annoyed.

I understand a lot of people think AIBU (and some are being quite vocal about that...) but In my defence as I said, I apologised and she kept going on and on about it

What do you want out of this thread then?

You want people to tell you YANBU so you can feel better about the situation but they haven’t so.... Erm....

I DO NOT USE outlook or phone diaries!!!!! I am shit with that stuff! I have never ever used them and I don’t want to!!

However, I like the moonpig suggestion and will do that!

Whatever people say, I’m
Not a shit friend. I’m there for my friend in absolutely every other way possible and have been a loyal and good friend to her in every other way but this.

I am interested to see people’s perspectives though and see I should probably send her an understanding message.

I didn't want to have reminders on my phone. I wanted to remember everything. But ultimately I wasn't going to, and I cared more about the people I was going to hurt or inconvenience by forgetting things than I did about not having an online diary.
Alternative options include: one of those birthday calendars which is reusable each year, or just actually putting it into your main dairy when you get it at the start of the year and transfer the annual items across. You could make it easy to spot annual items by using a particular colour of pen perhaps, or folding the page down in a particular way?

You can think something isn't important, but ultimately we can still choose to value things our friends think are important. I dont try and convert Christian friends to atheism, and I will ask friends to tell me (say) about their new car, or how their dog is doing, even if I don't personally care about either thing, because they care and I care about them.

You’ve had ten years to solve this issue... I can see why she’s annoyed.