Forgotten birthday drama - what the hell

[Isshebeingserious]

NC because it’s outing (shared this with a few friends who are on here and I don’t want them knowing my username!)

A friend of mine has her birthday on the 11th November. For as long as we have been friends (circa 10 years), I have always forgotten the birthday. If I’m examining why, it is most likely because of the significance of the day itself re ww1, as I generally do remember other people’s birthdays.

Anyway, every year I get a bollocking from said friend about missing it, and every year I apologise. This year she has completely lost it with me, and doesn’t understand that with a 4 month old baby and my grandmother in law dying last week, I have even more stuff on my mind than usual. I feel like she doesn’t remind me before the day but waits to see if i forget so she can use it as a stick to beat me with. I apologised to her, she accepted and then 3 hours later I received a huge message saying I should set a reminder on my phone, she doesn’t accept my excuses etc etc. At this point I had been trying for 2.5 hours to get DS to sleep and was crying from exhaustion and told her to grow up and fuck off basically.

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable - am I? I feel bad about missing it but being repeatedly told off has made me see red.

She was a bit over dramatic to get upset with you. However you are being over dramatic with not using a diary because it frightens you.
If you don’t like the inbuilt one on your phone down load a new one.

Mine populates the birthdays for me from the phone contacts.

It bothers your friend that you always forget. Maybe a small gesture of flowers could be sent? Oh and just don’t forget next year!

It really isn't her job to remind you that her birthday is coming up. It's on the same day every year! The fact that it's on a memorable day like 11th November should help you remember. I don't think you can use all the remembrance stuff as an excuse for forgetting. I'm sorry but if you consistently forgot my birthday, I'd think you were a pretty shit friend. Does she remember your birthday?

If you don't want to put it on your phone. Buy a birthday Calendar. Mine is hung up in the kitchen next to the normal one. It's great. At the very least I call to say happy birthday. On the other hand, my best friend often forgets my birthday and I'm not offended in the least xx

I would never expect my friends to remember my birthday, it’s hatd enough remembering all the family stuff let alone friends too. I do make an effort to remember my friends birthdays though I am delighted when they m remember mine. I can’t imagine being self obsessed enough to tell someone off for forgetting. YANBU

Can’t be that good a friend if you have forgotten her birthday 10 years in a row. I would feel you didn’t care about me

Shit me this is not a friend. I dont remember my friends' birthdays and dont expect them to remember mine. We all have much bigger things to worry about than the days we were born!? The important factor is that we enjoy each other's company.

So you do t remember her birthday, but you also DONT WANT to do anything to help you

Suggestion: put a reminder in your phone/diary

You: I don't want to!!

You are a shit friend. HTH.

I am literally cringing at the thought of a grown woman sending you a lengthy message about forgetting her birthday. Sounds very childish to me. We all have a lot to think about, especially with children so I personally would never think to make a big deal of someone forgetting my birthday and I know none of my friends would either.

Having said that, now that you know how she feels it's probably best to just set a reminder and avoid further drama next year.

I don’t know how you can forget. The significance of the day makes it easier to remember....not harder!!

U both unreasonable. She's crazy for hounding you but if I had a close friend I knew it meant so much to I'd set a reminder somehow! 10 years 'forgetting' really because you get so caught up in the sadness of armistice day u never make the connection? Is she on her own? My Birthday means nothing to me long as Dh remembers am happy but I didn't have him & kids it might be lonely if no one mentioned it!

YANBU. Throwing a hissy fit as you're friend forgot your birthday is what teenagers do anyway. She sounds really self important and one telling off is fine but repeatedly is too much. I'd not care if anyone forgot mine. If i was in your shoes I'd have done the same in telling her off.Some people are just no good at remembering birthdays. Give her some space and let her rethink her actions.

I would care, mainly because i always make a point to remeber my best friends birthdays. It isn't that hard to set a reminder in your phone or write it down in a calendar and 10 years is plenty of time to just send a quick message.

Personally I think adults caring loads about their birthday is a bit weird.

But she has made it really clear to you that she does care and for you to remember and drop her a message is such an unbelievably low effort thing for you to do.

I do care about my birthday, and my immediate family always help me celebrate (but I do arrange stuff myself to make sure that happens). Most of my friends I don't see daily, weekly, a few monthly and many from school/college sometimes years apart although we always have a great time if we get together. I wouldn't expect friends to remember, or to fuss about it- if they do great, but most seem to be like me, birthdays are for you/partner/kids, perhaps parents, but friend birthdays aren't such a big thing anymore. A friend who sent me that text wouldn't be a friend as I would know they really had a different type of idea of what our friendship would be like- my friends are the least demanding layer of relationship which is fun and supportive and I wouldn't want that to change into obligation and stress.

Obviously both BU. Her for pursuing this after a decade and you for being an adult and needing to ask MN on something you should know the answer to.

I wouldn't care a fig if a friend forgot my birthday one year because she had stuff going on. But if she forgot for ten years whilst remembering everyone elses, I would not consider her a good friend. All I'd expect was a text by the way.

Personally I think adults caring loads about their birthday is a bit weird

Personally I think a long standing friend not bothering to wish me happy birthday is a bit mean and uncaring

She has been a friend for 10 years and for each of those you have managed to forget her birthday. She however acknowledges yours. YABU. Get a diary, write your friends birthday in it and send a card or something. The fact that the date coincides with Armistice Day should make it easier to remember not more difficult. I can understand forgetting maybe one time but not every time. Not surprised she’s upset. It’s not the behaviour of a good friend.

I cannot and have not ever been able to remember any of my close friends birthdays. It has become a standing joke over several decades across several friend groups.

I vaguely remember it's somewhere around a date, then take a punt and call and leaving a singing message. My singing is horrible. It makes them laugh. I have got the wrong month, the wrong age , the wrong friend at different points over the years. I've also not rung at all ( which may be a relief due to the quality of my singing).
And you know what - they don't care. And if they really, really do mind I forgot their birthday again and are that self-obsessed even for just ONE day - they are not my people .
They don't expect calendar checkins, they don't have a list of rules I have to follow that classify me as a friend. We laugh, we have fun when we can and all of my friends live in places far from me now. We grew together, we have lost things together.
They do know that if they ever need me , I will and I have dropped everything to be there for them.
And that is friendship.

YANBU - she needs to grow up and place value where value is due.

@CommanderDaisy but it sounds like in their friendship it’s a ‘thing’ that they acknowledge and celebrate each other’s birthdays. Except the friend is holding up her side of this but the OP is not.

So either the OP needs to change how she deals with this, or the whole arrangement needs to change altogether.

I do find it interesting that she remembers she’s forgotten it 10 years in a row, but can’t actually remember the date she’s forgotten it! So she has a memory for some things....

In this day and age people rely on social media. If it’s not on there than she can’t expect people to remember

I think you’re deliberately being obtuse. So many people have given you tips how to ensure you remember and you simply say you don’t want to do that (calendar, diary etc). Added to that, her birthday is on Remembrance Day. How could you forget that? Because you say it’s a sad day. Poppycock. If you wanted to remember, you would.

It sounds like you don’t care very much x

Have you looked at the free version of 'Remember The Milk'? It's a list with dates, and you can get items to repeat weekly, yearly etc. You can share it with family members, too.

When you mark things as 'complete' RTM saves them on a separate list so you can back-track to see when you last did something.

Might be worth looking at?