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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left to eat alone in a pub because I'd annoyed him?

259 replies

StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 18:52

Out with the OH at a busy pub - ordered our drinks and food. I asked him a question (about tax of all things) and he gave an answer that didn't really give me the info I needed and I wanted to know to continue in the conversation we were in. I got my phone to look it up on google and he asked me to put my phone away saying that I "didn't need to know the answer now" - I continued to look - he got up and walked out - leaving me alone in the pub (we were staying over and he went back to the room) I felt humiliated when the waitress came out with both our meals and I had to send his back. I ate my dinner alone - went back to the room where he was acting like it was me who was totally out of order. Next morning he said he would do the same thing again if the situation arose - even knowing how hurt I felt. AIBU to think that he was being a disrespectful arsehole??

OP posts:
Original poster
StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 09:55

@hopehopity - don't worry - I understand that when there are so many posts you might not get a chance to read them all. I've never posted before so didn't want to post a 'war and peace' with all the background on it Smile

OP posts:
Everanewbie · 16/11/2018 09:58

There seems to be quite a few OTT reactions from posters here. LTB, controlling etc. To me it sounds like neither the OP or DP covered themselves in glory. Yes it was a business chat, but he felt that phones ruin the atmosphere which i kind of agree with. Asking you to stop is not controlling, he's asking for you to be 'in the room' with him. I'm sure these matters are important to you, but the finer details could probably wait.

Personally I can't stand phones in the pub, restaurants and in company, but i also feel walking out is extremely childish and OTT, and humiliating for you. Whilst many think the phone thing is rude, the walking out thing is much worse, and more proportionate to you, um, sexting your ex or something, not a minor annoyance.

Without being there its hard to know exactly how it played out, but maybe you could both show each other a little more courtesy.

KristinaM · 16/11/2018 10:06

You need to be very very careful. I am in exactly the same position as you, I own my business 50:50 with my husband.

We are separating but have no way of dividing our main asset, which is our business. He could run it without me but doesn’t have the cash to buy me out and anyway he doesn’t want to.

We have tried to find a buyer and have had several offers but none of them meet STBX expectations. He’s not motivated to accept any offer because he wants to go on working together.

Im completely trapped.

Please don’t end up like me.

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 10:08

@anotherEmma - that's a scary list. I'd say at first glance, he does about 40% of them to a greater or lesser extent. Some a lot and some very infrequently. He is not a shouter or name caller - he just gets silent or, like the other night, leaves (that's the first time its been in a public place)

I think I'll show him that list and see what he says

OP posts:
Original poster
StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 10:14

@everanewbie - you're probably right that we both played a part. I didn't like being 'asked' (in a way that suggested that I didn't have a choice) to not look at my phone and he would have considered the fact that I continued to be 'arsey' and disrespectful. To walk off like though - when up till that point we'd shared a 3hr car journey perfectly happily and were happily chatting....seems rather extreme and has made me rather cautious.

@KristinaM I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm the one in our partnership who could continue without the other and essentially, as it's a consultancy, I am the business if you know what I mean. There are others who work with us but they can continue with either me or him if we go down a separation route.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/11/2018 10:14

I think I'll show him that list and see what he says

What do you expect to gain from showing him the list?

GabsAlot · 16/11/2018 10:19

no dont show him absuers wont admir to doing anything wrong-as yo9u say you never get an apology from him

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 10:23

@lweji I think I want him to see the behaviours and realise that they're wrong - that it's not me who creates the problems all the time - that some of the things he's doing are just not OK. Maybe I'm looking for some external validation (like posting on here I suppose) that I'm not always the one in the wrong and that he has to take some responsibility...but as I write this I am realising that if he doesn't see his behaviour that way then he will dismiss it out of hand - and if I'm unhappy with his behaviour and he won't change, I need to take action myself rather than wait to see if he does anything about it (he hasn't so far so why would he in the future??)

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/11/2018 10:29

if he doesn't see his behaviour that way then he will dismiss it out of hand

He doesn't. Because he told you he'd do it again. And you shouldn't need external validation.
I doubt he'll take any notice.

Lizzie48 · 16/11/2018 10:30

I can't believe how many posters jumped on the issue of phone usage whilst out for a meal and missed the obvious point that that isn't the issue. The OP only got the phone out to check that what he was telling her was correct, and it was something she really did need to know.

She wasn't messing around on social media, which certainly would be rude.

Her DH's OTT and childish reaction suggests he does indeed have something to hide.

brighteyeowl17 · 16/11/2018 10:31

So controlling

KristinaM · 16/11/2018 10:36

But you would need to buy him out his shares. Do you have the cash for that?

Also he’s be entitled to half of WIP and cash in the bank.

And he would lose his salary.

eddielizzard · 16/11/2018 10:38

How easy is it to get out? Do you have kids together?

Ceilingrose · 16/11/2018 10:40

You should be careful. I know someone who shared a similar business to yours with her husband. He did the back office too, till he transferred everything to his account and ran off, never to be seen again. They had a child, too.

badirene · 16/11/2018 10:41

He even admitted the next day that had I been one of the blokes in the team he wouldn't have done it....so it's just arsey behaviour that he saves up for his wife!

So as his wife and the owner of the business he joined you deserve less respect than male co-workers? I would think he is hiding something, get legal advice and a good accountant to go through everything, leave no stone unturned.

I would agree with pp that there is no point showing him anything from this thread, he will either dismiss it as being hysterical, deny he does any of the behaviours or blame you for embarrassing him on a public forum and being unable to "let things go". I would think long and hard about how to proceed as you are more vulnerable than you think in this set up.

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 10:54

@eddielizzard - we have children but the youngest is at uni so none at home 'dependant' as such.
@KristinaM - yes, I have enough to buy him out. To be fair to him to an extent (and I'm not excusing his behaviour) - he has never stopped me looking at the finances - I've just never really taken much notice other than the annual accountants visit where we go through them. I think the losing of his job would be the biggest issue for him as we both take the same amount out of the business every year and he'd need to get a job elsewhere but to be honest, I'm not sure that would be terribly difficult for him.
@badirene - that was exactly what I said to him. I knew there was no way he would have said to them that they didn't need to know something now...like who the f**k does he think he is deciding when someone should or shouldn't know something....surely as adults we are allowed to make those kind of decisions for ourselves!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 16/11/2018 10:55

"I think I'll show him that list and see what he says"

Um, please don't. That's not why I shared it. I shared it to demonstrate to you (and others) that he's abusive. 40% of the list just some of the time is definitely abusive.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 10:57

@anotheremma - I agree - when @lweji asked me that question it made me realise that it wouldn't make any difference. I'm off to amazon - thank you. Smile

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 16/11/2018 11:02

You're welcome Flowers

Chamomileteaplease · 16/11/2018 11:32

Could you start writing down incidents as they crop up so that you can see his recent behaviour in a pattern?

Then whether you split up or go to counselling, you have something to look at.

HopeHopity · 16/11/2018 11:39

@StrugglingWife 🤗🤗🤗

lizzie1970a · 16/11/2018 11:50

His action was disproportionate to your action.

Could it he feels emasculated by you? Not that that's an excuse but looking for an explanation? You're essentially "the business" so he's more easily replaceable than you. He has his area that he deals with, gave you a token explanation in the pub that didn't satisfy you so he got miffed you were questioning his authority, knowledge etc. Some men can be very touchy about this.

Not saying there is but is there a pattern (perhaps only from his viewpoint) of you questioning/undermining what he says? It only takes something small sometimes for men with low self-esteem (who often hide it well but it sneaks out in incidents like this) to react badly to.

storm11111 · 16/11/2018 11:59

Oh come on those 'holier than thou' 'how rude to get your phone out crew!'

I bet you're all guilty of this one time or another, this action is a minor irritant, an annoying habit that the other person might reasonably get a bit huffy over.

Leaving the table is the husbands way of trying to punish you for not doing what he said when he said it. What it says is next time do what i say or i'll punish you again. This is not right!!!

If you're not happy about something, especially this minor, it should be a mature adult conversation not this controlling punishment style behaviour!!!

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/11/2018 12:24

I think the losing of his job would be the biggest issue for him as we both take the same amount out of the business every year and he'd need to get a job elsewhere but to be honest, I'm not sure that would be terribly difficult for him.

I suspect he'd be pissed off about having to do that because he wouldn't be able to behave like a dick if he was working for someone else.

The more you post, the more he sounds like a complete arsehole. He won't take responsibility, demands higher standards of you than he applies to himself, refuses to apologise when he fucks up...what exactly are you getting from this relationship?

TheGrassIsGreener3 · 16/11/2018 12:28

He was abusive and controlling. You need to consider leaving him.

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