Being left to eat alone in a pub because I'd annoyed him?

[StrugglingWife]

Out with the OH at a busy pub - ordered our drinks and food. I asked him a question (about tax of all things) and he gave an answer that didn't really give me the info I needed and I wanted to know to continue in the conversation we were in. I got my phone to look it up on google and he asked me to put my phone away saying that I "didn't need to know the answer now" - I continued to look - he got up and walked out - leaving me alone in the pub (we were staying over and he went back to the room) I felt humiliated when the waitress came out with both our meals and I had to send his back. I ate my dinner alone - went back to the room where he was acting like it was me who was totally out of order. Next morning he said he would do the same thing again if the situation arose - even knowing how hurt I felt. AIBU to think that he was being a disrespectful arsehole??

[OleWomanInAShoe]

Idk how that extra word slipped in there 🙄

[OleWomanInAShoe]

Start hoarding money and visit a solicitor. He seems the best type to fight dirty.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Don't blame yourself @strugglingwife - abusive men are often nice some of the time and the abuse escalates very slowly. So it's hard to see, when you're in the middle of it, just how much of a prick the man is: it's just easier to 'pick your battles' ie let him have his own way over pretty much everything, until finally he starts doing things that are completely unacceptable, and yet you often try to tell yourself it was just a one-off, and he was tired, or his haemorrhoids were hurting or something.

Good luck with giving this one his marching orders.

[Batshittery]

Thank you gamerwidow.
OP I am ashamed to admit that I was drunk. I am very sorry for what I posted and it is indeed a lesson learnt.

[gamerwidow]

batshitery it’s because you didn’t read the thread and then told the OP she was pathetic.
The OP isn’t pathetic, abuse is insidious and is hard to notice when you are in the throes of it.
Still we’ve all been guilty of jumping in without reading everything at one point or another of MN so take it as a lesson learned.

[BanginChoons]

.

[Batshittery]

Sorry then Struggling. I obviously misunderstood and didn’t appreciate that it was because you’d disobeyed him. I’m very sorry. I don’t know what I put that got deleted. it’s only my second deletion in about 9 years

[StrugglingWife]

@batshittery - I travel away for work at least 2 nights a week and eat alone and have no issues with it at all. Choosing to eat alone and being left to eat alone because I've disobeyed his "request" is a whole other thing entirely.
I'm now very curious about what you wrote that got deleted

[Batshittery]

I've read the first page. can't be arsed with the rest. Why did you feel humiliated? I would happily eat my meal alone. I don't need a man to validate me. Simple

[pallisers]

Was it entirely necessary to google that information at that time? Personally I think you precipitated the incident by being rude.

yes because women are always responsible for men's extreme reactions. If he reacts badly, then of course you precipitated it. By being rude, you naughty girl.

If a man is rude, then you need to think what in your behaviour may have precipitated this. you will definitely find something. Either way a man being rude or abusive or a complete tantrummy toddler it is always the woman's fault.

But if he does this with another man it is, of course, his own fault. Can't be blaming men unfairly now can we? We'll have to call rudeness where it actually is when two men are involved.

This thread is certainly eye-opening as to why so many men think they can get away with really bad behaviour to women.

[Motoko]

Yeah, don't be embarrassed, it's incredibly normal to not notice it happening, because it slowly creeps in, and for a long time you think "Oh, he's just a bit anal" "likes things done in a certain way" or something like that. And you tell yourself, that you can't break up the family just because certain traits of his annoy you. You make excuses, until one day, he does something that's the final straw, or someone outside of the situation tells you that you don't have to live with it.

So, be kind to yourself, you've got support here if you want it (ignore the obvious GFs).

[Bethia]

I’m new to this mumsnet, but just wanted to say to you- be strong. The situation you describe really resonated with me. I remember how bloody awful I felt. It’s not a healthy relationship if your partner tries to humiliate you in public over checking something on your phone, or whatever, really! Nobody should feel like that with their partner-business or otherwise. As I said previously, you deserve better.

[Cambionome]

Don't be embarrassed, op. A lot of us have been there - me included.

[StrugglingWife]

@onethenaughtystepagain - no not 'entirely necessary' - just if I wanted to actively participate in a conversation about MY tax affairs in MY business at a time that WE'D put aside to do so ...or alternatively I could simply have said "of course dear, whatever you say dear, whenever you allow me to dear...."

@reanimatedSGB - I'm afraid I've probably let him know that I'm not happy but just being a bit more interested in the finances than I have previously and asking him to give me updates on where all the investments/bank accounts/invoices are at. To be fair, he's done as I've asked and nothing seems out of the ordinary. I'm certainly going to be having a very long hard think - as I know that what I've divulged on here really is the tip of the iceberg - and if I'm honest - telling you all the other stuff would be too embarassing for me that I have put up with it this long. It's only when you write down the list that you realise what you've been excusing for years is really, really bad behaviour and therefore making him think that I allow myself to be treated like that. Thanks all xx

[ReanimatedSGB]

@strugglingwife - You can clearly manage without him in terms of running your business - employing a person to do the admin/back up work wouldn't be too difficult. Obviously you know him better than randoms on the internet, so have a think about whether telling him that being business partners is not working, so it's time for him to butt out and find something for himself, would be a safe thing to do or whether it would lead to chaos or even violence. It would be worth considering how much of a decent husband he was before he got involved in your business - if he was always inclined to try to be the boss of you, then cutting him out completely is probably best. If you think that it's only since he lost his last job that his behaviour has worsened then maybe getting him out of your hair by flattering him and suggesting that he take his awesome business expertise and enormous penis and set up some sort of business of his own would improve the situation.

If you don't think it's salvageable (and from what you've posted, I think it's more likely he's an irredeemable sexist dickhead TBH) get some good legal advice while pretending you're going to be a properly compliant little wifey from now on, get everything sorted and then tell him that he's dumped. If he gets wind of it before your plans are finalised, he might either attempt to wreck the business, or to do you harm.

[Lordamighty]

The handmaidens are out in force on this thread. The man has spoken & you are not allowed to check a fact on your phone, even though you own the business. He would not have behaved this way with any one else, can you imagine him storming off on a client in this way?

[Motoko]

And so does he.

Well, I'm sure you'd be welcome to have him, as you're so much better than OP.

[onthenaughtystepagain]

You deserve better.x

And so does he.

[onthenaughtystepagain]

Was it entirely necessary to google that information at that time? Personally I think you precipitated the incident by being rude.

[Bethia]

I know that not everyone is the same, but I had many similar situations with my ex. The worrying thing is that your partner is still defending his actions. It’s not acceptable. He showed no regard for your feelings. My ex is my ex for a reason. You deserve better.x

[Nanny0gg]

@Ski4130
I’m a grown up, not an errant puppy!!

Would you join a conversation and interject something when you know nothing of what's been said?
What's the difference?

I've been reflecting a lot on this and other stuff and think it's game over.

It just takes one more thing to make you step back and take a look at the whole picture, doesn't it?
It's sad though, when it's not what you thought it was.

[wictional]

Make it clear that there was a lack of respect there, OP - but it’s not the way he thinks it is!

[StrugglingWife]

@reanimatedSGB think you might be right!
In terms of the business finances..I do see the accounts and have gone through bank accounts and thankfully, nothing untoward there.
Looks like he just plain doesn't like his judgement to ever be in question.
I've been reflecting a lot on this and other stuff and think it's game over.

[ReanimatedSGB]

By the way, OP, how much difference has he made to the business? How long has he been inflicting himself on it? I wonder if he could have been wanting to hide the fact that things have taken a turn for the worse since he got involved...