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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being left to eat alone in a pub because I'd annoyed him?

259 replies

StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 18:52

Out with the OH at a busy pub - ordered our drinks and food. I asked him a question (about tax of all things) and he gave an answer that didn't really give me the info I needed and I wanted to know to continue in the conversation we were in. I got my phone to look it up on google and he asked me to put my phone away saying that I "didn't need to know the answer now" - I continued to look - he got up and walked out - leaving me alone in the pub (we were staying over and he went back to the room) I felt humiliated when the waitress came out with both our meals and I had to send his back. I ate my dinner alone - went back to the room where he was acting like it was me who was totally out of order. Next morning he said he would do the same thing again if the situation arose - even knowing how hurt I felt. AIBU to think that he was being a disrespectful arsehole??

OP posts:

Oswin · 15/11/2018 23:16

He wanted to have the business conversation he just wanted to be able to lead the conversation. He knew he was probably wrong so stormed off before op could talk about it.

I would be having an in depth check of all finances op. He wants you to think he knows what he is doing and he doesn't.

Oswin · 15/11/2018 23:18

Op was on a business trip talking about business. In this context it is absolutely normal and fine to check facts on her phone. Fucks sake. He only wanted her kit to use her phone because he wants to be in the right.

Original poster

StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 23:49

@nanny0gg - I operated as a sole trader for many years - when he came into the business we became a limited company and yes, have a 50/50 shareholding.

OP posts:

Original poster

StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 23:52

@racecardriver - yes, I do tend to act in a childish way when someone is trying to parent me by telling me when I can or cannot look up facts on a phone.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 15/11/2018 23:52

Look, you need to be getting rid of this man anyway, because he's a shit romantic partner - and he's potentially a disaster for your business as well. Both these things have the same root cause - his sexism. He considers that he, being in possession of a penis, is the boss of you, despite the fact that it's your business, your skills and knowledge.
Did you decide to hire him because he has the relevant admin/finance skills, or did you feel obliged to bring him in because he'd lost a job, or convinced you that he was too good to be an employee? It's unfortunately a common pattern for successful women to bring in the prick they are dating as 'manager' or 'consultant' only to find that the man undermines and rips them off, either through incompetence or through a desire to push the Little WOman into 'knowing her place'.

I would very strongly advise that, for the moment, you pretend to be compliant and sweet, but that you contact an independent accountant or auditor or something to go through the books, check what's happening, and work out how to ringfence your business and get rid of the man (OK, if he is technically a partner rather than an employee, you may have to pay him off but make sure you get good legal advice.)

Original poster

StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 00:01

@reanimatedSGB I'm married to him and have been for over 20yrs. He decided he didn't want to be in the corporate world anymore and I was doing well in my business and getting to the stage where I needed some additional 'back office' help to stop me having to work all the hours god sends. He pretty much made a unilateral decision that he would take on that role. It was a challenge for me to have someone else in my business - that wasn't an employee as such - as I was very used to running things my way. I know that I'm no angel and can be a right stroppy cow at times. Funnily enough - just as I write this - I remember that if he asks me for something, he wants me to stop whatever I'm doing and get it for him NOW because he would be wasting time otherwise - but when I want to do something now...well - we know the result of that one!

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 16/11/2018 00:56

Hmmm. I would want to make sure I understand the finances perfectly op. How hard would it be to move him out of the business? I’m guessing hard... if my husband decided he could join my business with a 50% ownership I’d decide that actually no he couldn’t, but it’s too late for that now.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 16/11/2018 06:30

I would not be running a business with him and I would get some advice on how to undo the 50/50 share. Running a business is tough and running it with a family member takes strong boundaries and clear communication.

AjasLipstick · 16/11/2018 06:36

He was rude but so were you.

I was really shocked at a friend's house for dinner the other week when 4 of the people at the table had their phones out looking at the screens.

It's weird!

LesLavandes · 16/11/2018 06:38

Sounds just like my ex husband. That is why he is 'ex'

gamerwidow · 16/11/2018 06:46

On the face of it everything you’ve posted points to a controlling man who wants you to jump to his every command but doesn’t want to be questioned or asked to do anything in return.
I think it would be different if this was one off behaviour and you never listen to what he says and try to prove him wrong but there is nothing in your posts to suggest this is the case.
The question is do you only ever want to be able to talk about what he wants to talk about and never question or risk him walking out on you. I don’t think I could live like that.

Carouselfish · 16/11/2018 06:50

Just to give you a similar situation and my reaction-4 months pregnant and was in restaurant with boyfriend. Teased him with mayonnaise I'd ordered as he said he hated it. He stormed out, leaving me to stare at his dinner and eat alone. I knew then it wouldn't work and I'd be raising two babies. It was one of the deciding moments in me choosing to do the parenting as friends not partners. He's luckily matured and is a good friend but God it made me realise he was a childish irrational idiot at the time and not someone I could rely on to behave sensibly.

AnotherEmma · 16/11/2018 06:55

"He pretty much made a unilateral decision that he would take on that role."

It goes from bad to worse, the more I read.
He regularly gives you the silent treatment.
He expects you to do as you're told but won't do as you ask.
You gave him a 50-50 share in your business because he wanted it.
He has taken over the finances.

Not only are you married to a controlling and abusive man, he controls your livelihood too.

You need legal advice.

HopeHopity · 16/11/2018 07:07

We don't use phones at the table so to be honest I would have been annoyed that you did and continued to do so

HopeHopity · 16/11/2018 07:08

I wasn't using it before I wanted to know the answer to the question - which would have allowed me to continue with the conversation we were in

We need to try to learn to have conversations without the phone because this ^^ doesn't seem right

Lweji · 16/11/2018 07:37

He decided he didn't want to be in the corporate world anymore
Did he? Or was he sacked?

The more you update, the worst he seems.

What's the legal situation regarding your business? Is he legally a partner or does he just work on it?
I agree you should take legal advice.
Regardless of your personal relationship, it doesn't look like you should do business together.

eddielizzard · 16/11/2018 08:04

He sounds disrespectful. If this were indicative of the way he treats you ie. expects you to take his word as The Truth when even he knows he's wrong I would be worried about whether I want this man in my business and my home.

Willow2017 · 16/11/2018 08:19

YWBU. You fit taking out your phone.

We don't use phones at the table so to be honest I would have been annoyed that you did and continued to do so

We need to try to learn to have conversations without the phone because this ^^ doesn't seem right

Does no one rtft these days?
When its a decision thats going to affect your future damm rigt you want the correct info whether he likes it or not. Op wasnt googling the price of cheese in tescos but an important business concern during a business discussion.

Her oh was about to be proved wrong so he threw a tantrum. How mature.

Every post op makes shows how controlling he is trying to be. " Jump when i say so but dont question me ever."

Lunde · 16/11/2018 08:50

@HopeHopity - We don't use phones at the table so to be honest I would have been annoyed that you did and continued to do so

Are you not capable of reading the full thread? This was not a social/romantic evening but part of a business trip

Did you miss the part about this being a business meeting to discuss a financial issue? Of course OP needs to base her business financial decisions on accurate information - or do you think she should proceed with the incorrect information?.

So your post is totally irrelevant to the actual situation that OP was in

HopeHopity · 16/11/2018 09:16

@Lunde you are right sorry, it was my first go at reading in browser not app and I thought I had read it all
Sorry OP

Chamomileteaplease · 16/11/2018 09:35

I am interested in his reasons for saying he would do the same again.

What was it that he says annoyed him?

Was there something else he had wanted to talk about? Was he not interested in talking about the tax issue at that time?

Is he not the slightest bit embarrassed about his actions? And last question! - what is he normally like at saying sorry??

Willow2017 · 16/11/2018 09:43

Was he not interested in talking about the tax issue at that time?

Well he shouldnt have started the discussion about tax then should he? He shouldnt have expected op just to accept something she knew was wrong and would affect their future.

He would do the same again as op dared to question him (as he was wrong) and he doesnt like it.

Thehop · 16/11/2018 09:45

So he strongarmed his way into taking half your business and wants to keep you subservient on the important man jobs like finance?

Wanker

Original poster

StrugglingWife · 16/11/2018 09:51

@chamomileteaplease I did ask that question about what was so bad about it...his answer was that he asked me not to do it so I shouldn't have done
I've no idea if he wanted to talk about something else - I didn't get a chance to ask.
He doesn't appear to be the slightest bit embarassed about his actions - and I would have to prise a 'sorry' out of him with a pitchfork if I wanted one. That's an area we've rowed about for years - his inability to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in our relationship and then his inability to say he's sorry.
I sometimes get "I'm not sorry for what I said/did - I stand by that - but I'm sorry you got upset by it" which to me isn't an apology!

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 16/11/2018 09:55

Signs of emotional abuse
How many of those does he do?

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