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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left to eat alone in a pub because I'd annoyed him?

259 replies

StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 18:52

Out with the OH at a busy pub - ordered our drinks and food. I asked him a question (about tax of all things) and he gave an answer that didn't really give me the info I needed and I wanted to know to continue in the conversation we were in. I got my phone to look it up on google and he asked me to put my phone away saying that I "didn't need to know the answer now" - I continued to look - he got up and walked out - leaving me alone in the pub (we were staying over and he went back to the room) I felt humiliated when the waitress came out with both our meals and I had to send his back. I ate my dinner alone - went back to the room where he was acting like it was me who was totally out of order. Next morning he said he would do the same thing again if the situation arose - even knowing how hurt I felt. AIBU to think that he was being a disrespectful arsehole??

OP posts:
blackchina · 15/11/2018 20:48

Basic good manners seem to a thing of the past. It is very rude to ignore the person you are with and divert your attention somewhere else, especially as you had been asked not to.

This exactly. The fact that many posters on this thread are defending the rude and ignorant behaviour of the OP shows how rude and ignorant and obnoxious and entitled society is becoming.

CLEARLY they would think nothing of fucking about on their phone (whilst in the company of someone else,) even though they could have waited til later.

The OP's partner asked her to stop looking at her phone, and she ignored him and carried on looking. So I don't blame him for getting up and walking off. I bloody would too. Totally ignorant and rude behaviour from the OP.

If the shoe had been on the other foot, and it had been the OP who had walked away, (because her partner was rude enough to start messing around on the internet on his phone when they were having a meal together,) these same people (defending her here,) would be saying 'good for you! How DARE he start messing about on his phone when he is with you?' LTB now!!!'

Typical double standards that I see on here all the time.

@Bluntness100

this is victim blaming at its worst.

FFS, just when I thought I had seen it all. Don't talk such utter dross! Dramatic much? Wink

If this man is so pathetic, and such a monster, then the OP is quite free to not see him again. I'm sure he will get over it. Wink

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 20:49

Nanny0gg - not great to be honest. I can understand an 'in the moment' reaction - then some reflection and saying that while he was not happy with me looking at the phone - leaving me alone like that was not great and an apology. He has reinforced now twice that he would do the same again. I'm struggling to understand how someone can say they love me yet are happy to leave me like that. I'm not averse to eating alone in hotels/pubs - I do it all the time with work - but not when 2 meals are ordered and only 1 person is left and all the folks around know that he's left me there Sad

OP posts:
blackchina · 15/11/2018 20:49

And who CARES if it was 'business stuff?' They were socialising together as a couple, and he asked her to get off her phone and put it down. She ignored him and carried on doing what she wanted. SO he did what HE wanted, and got up and left. Good for him.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/11/2018 20:49

We run our own business too, I handle the finance and DP the operations. This is just the kind of conversation we have. Especially when the kids aren't around. You weren't looking at your phone to entertain you because he was not interesting enough. If you'd pick it up for facebook, whatapp, or instgram, you would be in the wrong, but to research something you are talking about? He is so far in the wrong. He ruined a night away, I be fucking livid.

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 20:53

I've just seen how you answer someone by tagging their name....I had no idea how to do that (see...I'm not that computer savvy as I'm not on my phone/internet all the time!)

@blackchina - how is looking to sort out my business tax affairs and feel I have the information I need to do that 'fucking about on my phone'? In a situation like where we have to make a decision about our financial future should I just accept what is being said? I could have said that we couldn't continue the conversation till I've had a chance to understand it better - therefore not making the decision that had to be made.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 15/11/2018 20:54

Cannot fathom why people think that it's ok to behave like this towards a life partner. I wouldn't behave like this towards a slight acquaintance that I didn't like!

Just because you perceive your partner to have done one rude/disrespectful thing doesn't mean it's an ok response to walk out in silence and be "off" for the rest of the evening, and promise the same behaviour if you step out of line again. It's worse behaviour than the original "offence", and only deepens and escalated the lack of proper communication.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 20:54

I think the bigger issue to address is his bullying behaviour op.

You know, and most folks on here know, if mid business dinner and having an important discussion then if you're not sure of a point, it's important to clarify it so a decision can be made.

Why is he trying to bully you though? If dinner is the place you often have to have these discussions, then the question is why is he trying to bully you into not checking the accuracy of his statements?

BlueJava · 15/11/2018 20:57

Maybe he's a bit of a wanker, or maybe you have a phone/social media addiction?

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 20:58

@bluntness100 - that was my thought to be honest. It kind of scared me to think that maybe he doesn't want me to know. When he came into my business he took over the finances stuff so I've had little to do with the day to day of it for a while. I'm spending some time this week getting up to date on what's what.

OP posts:
stopmeifyouveheardthisonebe4 · 15/11/2018 20:59

YANBU He doesn't control you. You can decide if you want to get your phone out and check something. He felt it was necessary to punish you for disobeying him, by leaving you to eat alone. To make a point so that maybe you'd do what he said next time. Would he put his phone away if you asked him to and said that he didn't need to look at whatever he wanted to look at? Oh, you probably wouldn't ask him would you? Unless you had some prior agreement that you wouldn't use your phones over dinner it's ridiculous that he thinks he can decide when you look at your phone. Be careful OP

Willow2017 · 15/11/2018 20:59

Well obviously He cared because he started the conversation!
He got something wrong which could impact on thier future but op is just supposed to smile meekly and say "yes dear"?

She had to check it so.they could continue the convo but he didnt want to be proved wrong.

It was a business trip they were discusding business. Would he have done that if op had bern a mate or a client checking facts? I seriously doubt it.

The fact that be gives her the silent treatment if she disagrees with him usually says it all.

starzig · 15/11/2018 20:59

So the lack of detail indicated he didn't want to talk about it. The suggestion that you stop googling suggests he doesn't wsnt to talk about it. But yet you continue. We're you spoiling for an argument, were you looking to upset him or are you just a bit thick that you honestly were oblivious.

pallisers · 15/11/2018 21:02

AKA 'people who don't agree with MEEEEEEEEEEE!'

No. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and presuming you wouldn't actually walk out on a friend or colleague or partner at dinner because they didn't obey you when you told them to put their phone away but I was probably wrong. You aren't a keyboard warrior - my apologies. You are rude and up your own arse.

XiCi · 15/11/2018 21:03

That's really worrying OP and puts his behaviour into perspective. Looks like SGB has hit the nail on the head. Is there a possibility he could have fucked up the finances or ripped you off and he is desperate for you not to find out. It's such a massive overreaction to walk off when you are just asking a question about your business.

ShawshanksRedemption · 15/11/2018 21:04

This isn't a jolly for you and your DP, you are away on business and this is a business dinner albeit just the two of you.

If it was a jolly then you could have waited another time to check it.

I feel that perhaps your DP is insecure about the business and didn't want to feel that he didn't know the answer or be corrected by you. Does he feel on an equal footing in the business? Does he feel valued in it?

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/11/2018 21:04

starzig I'm sure you're not suggested that StrugglingWife has to watch carefully what she says and how she talks about her own business with her business partner, unless he should become upset and walk out? Seems like an odd way to try and run a business, or to interact with your life partner.

MyBrexitIsIll · 15/11/2018 21:05

But star how is it that he didn’t want to talk about it but somehow he was the one to bring the subject???

Beautifullydamaged · 15/11/2018 21:06

I suppose we are only hearing one side of the story. My exH could’ve made me sound totally unreasonable if he posted about me as I walked out on him when we were in the pub because he was on his phone texting.

My version is we were hardly spending any quality time together and I was looking forward to having his company. I was also feeling insecure at the time as he was supposedly stressed with work and always on his phone. Turns out I had reasons to feel insecure because he was cheating on me.

I realise my scenario is different as he was actually texting someone and not googling but just being on the phone made me feel like he didn’t value his time with me. I asked him to stop, he didn’t so I walked out. It was childish behaviour on my part but it was a culmination of a chain of events.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 21:07

I'm spending some time this week getting up to date on what's what

I think that's a very good plan. How long have you been with him? This is actually quite a big red flag here. I would check it, but make sure he is fully aware this is your business either ultimately or too and you will have all the details of the financials.

MyBrexitIsIll · 15/11/2018 21:09

Btw star if you have a business and are bringing business talk to the table when been with your business partner, then you have no right to then indicate you dont want to talk about it.
If the environment is wrong or it’s not the right time, then you dint bring the issue or you say you want to taklk about it later.
Such PA way to express what you want has no place in the middle of a business talk.

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 21:11

@beatifullydamaged - I'm sorry to hear that and yes, I can accept that he may see things differently. There are always 3 sides to a story - your side, my side and somewhere in the middle lies the truth I suppose.

it's a pattern of behaviour that's a bit worrying. x

OP posts:
pallisers · 15/11/2018 21:14

So the lack of detail indicated he didn't want to talk about it. The suggestion that you stop googling suggests he doesn't wsnt to talk about it. But yet you continue. We're you spoiling for an argument, were you looking to upset him or are you just a bit thick that you honestly were oblivious.

yeah, OP. Are you thick that you didn't get the memo that when a man decides what to talk about that is that - you shut up and sit down. No wonder he is resorting to "training" you.

I'd have a good look at my admin and finances if I were you, OP. Including taxes. And I would calmly and clearly tell him that the next time he walks out on you in public or subjects you to the silent treatment, you will be moving on.

TheRealHousewife · 15/11/2018 21:14

Actually I think you rbu. He clearly didn’t want you on your phone but you persisted. I think it’s bad manners to be online when in company.

It’s not about him being controlling it’s about your lack of respect for his boundaries.

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/11/2018 21:17

"He clearly didn’t want you on your phone" -wtf? He's not the boss of her! She can look at her phone if she wants, if he doesn't like it he can say so like an adult rather than throw a strop like a controlling man-toddler.

vinobell · 15/11/2018 21:19

sorry haven't read the whole thread...

but my DH does this on his phone when we are out.... and it REALLY irritates me. it ruins they whole social environment of being in a pub in my opinion. i often ask him to put it away, he gets arsey and then we argue, ruining the night.

it makes me feel bored and excluded, even if it is something we are supposedly looking at together, its bad manners in my opinion. I would NEVER walk off tho never worth it to leave a good meal and also bad manners

so do think you were both in the wrong really.