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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left to eat alone in a pub because I'd annoyed him?

259 replies

StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 18:52

Out with the OH at a busy pub - ordered our drinks and food. I asked him a question (about tax of all things) and he gave an answer that didn't really give me the info I needed and I wanted to know to continue in the conversation we were in. I got my phone to look it up on google and he asked me to put my phone away saying that I "didn't need to know the answer now" - I continued to look - he got up and walked out - leaving me alone in the pub (we were staying over and he went back to the room) I felt humiliated when the waitress came out with both our meals and I had to send his back. I ate my dinner alone - went back to the room where he was acting like it was me who was totally out of order. Next morning he said he would do the same thing again if the situation arose - even knowing how hurt I felt. AIBU to think that he was being a disrespectful arsehole??

OP posts:
Ragwort · 15/11/2018 19:40

To be honest I think you both sound a bit childish, probably my generation but my DH & I would never look at our phones if we were out for a meal.
In fact I know it’s my generation as my DH (late 50s) manages a team of 20/30 year olds & he despairs of the amount of time they spend glued to their phone when they are having evening meals etc (yes I know that’s not an intimate meal but it’s still a social gathering where for him it would be an opportunity for chatting & getting to know your colleagues).

ScreamingValenta · 15/11/2018 19:41

It is irritating if someone is on their phone at the table, but the OP's husband didn't ask her to stop in a reasonable way. He said 'You don't need to know that now' and then walked out. If he'd said 'Please don't look it up now, because I just want us to have a relaxing conversation together' and the OP had ignored him, he might have been more justified in leaving.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/11/2018 19:43

Could he have been 'hangry'. Is he diabetic?

If he was diabetic, surely he would have waited and had his meal. I believe that diabetics have to eat at set intervals?

crimsonlake · 15/11/2018 19:43

I think you are not admitting here that you wanted to prove him wrong, he got annoyed and walked off. His behaviour was over the top but I think you were in the wrong also.

pallisers · 15/11/2018 19:44

He was there to eat dinner with you. Conversation with your partner over dinner, even in a busy pub, doesn't need to involve talking about tax.

Are you the conversation police? Anyway, it was HE who talked about tax.

If he said he didn't want to discuss it then, then maybe he was after some chill time with his wife rather than discuss the mundane routine of life? There's a time and place for everything and clearly a night away together wasn't the right time. I don't blame him for walking off tbh if you didn't listen to him saying he didn't want to discuss tax tonight.. instead you ignored and googled away.

Are you seriously saying that if you were out for dinner with someone and they did something you disliked - checked their texts or asked a question about tax - if they didn't stop the minute you told them to, you would walk out without a word, leaving them sitting on their own with 2 dinners about to arrive?

Well, I suppose it is unlikely that there is only one asshole in the world.

MysweetAudrina · 15/11/2018 19:45

I hate when we are out and having a conversation and dh goes to his phone to check something. It disturbs the flow, leaves me excluded and takes the conversation somewhere else. Dinner isn't a time for checking tax computations, it's a time for easy conversation. I have sometimes felt like walking out but haven't done so to date but I do think it is ignorant to check your phone when in conversation.

He obviously felt strongly enough about it to forego his dinner. He wanted the time with you as he travelled with you while you were working.

68Anon · 15/11/2018 19:45

Advice that was given to me by a tax inspector....never discuss matters relating to tax in public as you never know who is eaves dropping on your conversation.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 15/11/2018 19:46

I’m sorry but if my dh left a meal out we were having because I didn’t do as he told me and put my phone down and wasn’t remotely apologetic he would be told that the next time he did that he could storm off and pack his bags and leave.

CiderBrains · 15/11/2018 19:46

Then I would have said "dh, I don't fully so let's eat then I'll look it up later and we'll talk about it then." Then I would have changed the subject and had a nice meal with my dh.

CiderBrains · 15/11/2018 19:46

*fully understand

Wauden · 15/11/2018 19:47

Yanbu. He reacted because of the tax question, so like you, I would be curious.

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 19:47

Gamerchick - we run a business together - we need to talk about tax stuff at various points in the year. We were away because I was working with a client - I guess when you work with your OH sometimes these trips are more like business trips than any kind of 'intimate' time away.

If I'm honest, he does this kind of thing a fair bit - without the storming off - usually I just get the silent treatment.

OP posts:
sollyfromsurrey · 15/11/2018 19:48

To everyone who thinks he was right to walk out and that the OP is in the wrong. Walking out like a baby throwing toys out of their pram or even worse, being a narcissist who thinks it is his place to "punish' the OP is way worse than checking your phone to find info to add to the conversation. What's wrong with you people? You think acting like a complete bell-end is acceptable when someone checks their phone? You people no doubt are the sort who break all manner of laws on the road when someone cuts in front of you - like their minor transgression entitles you to act like a complete twat

Seaweed42 · 15/11/2018 19:54

I see nothing wrong with checking your phone on a topic you were both discussing. Especially because you were just waiting for the food. If he didn't like it there are a million nice kind ways to express yourself rather than the Rage Quit Huff that the OP saw displayed.
Storming off and the silent treatment is punishing you. He needs to find another way to deal with his feelings.
Good job for staying and eating your dinner.

rosamacrose · 15/11/2018 19:54

I still think that walking out and leaving you alone was shitty behaviour.

Original poster
StrugglingWife · 15/11/2018 19:55

ciderbrains - you're right - I could have done that and I didn't. I wanted to know at that point so that we could continue the conversation we were having - but I guess we could have picked it up later.

crimsonlake - I didn't want to 'prove' him wrong - It's important when supposedly making joint decisions about fairly important stuff that both parties are fully clear about what is being discussed and I wasn't. I wanted to check so that I could contribute to the conversation. This was not a 'it was a blue cushion or a green cushion' conversation - this was about an important subject that needed clarity.

68Anon - very good point indeed...

Mysweetaudrina - I agree with you that in an ideal world we would never have to have a tax conversation - but the reality of running a business means we need to - and as we are never 'at work' together because I work at client premises and he doesn't - it would have to be discussed over dinner at some point - either at home or away - and we needed to give an answer to the accountant.

OP posts:
Celebelly · 15/11/2018 19:56

We talk about the same stuff at dinner as we talk about anywhere else –stuff that is going on in our lives. Why is dinner some sacred time where you can only talk about lovely things? What's a suitable dinner topic?

Tonight at dinner, we spoke about the house we're selling and what we need to do to it this weekend, what car to take into town at the weekend, and I did actually talk about tax weirdly, as I was talking about reducing my payments on account as I'm going off on mat leave, so we had a brief discussion about that.

I'm always amazed by a) how much energy people seem to put in to getting worked up about really trivial nonsense and b) how much people try to excuse really shitty behaviour from someone, presumably as they deal with that kind of shite in their own lives and it's normalised in some way to them.

Storming off and leaving someone to eat their meal on their own because they were looking up a conversation topic on their phone for a minute or two is not reasonable behaviour. It's odd.

GabsAlot · 15/11/2018 19:57

he didnt want to be proved wrong did he

twat

RedSkyLastNight · 15/11/2018 19:57

OP was rude to look at the phone in mid-conversation (this is a pet hate of mine when people do this).
He asked her to put it away.
He pointed out she didn't need to know the thing now (exactly what I'd say, no idea why people think this is controlling - the only thing you need your phone for when you're having dinner is for emergency messages ).
I think walking out was OTT, but maybe OP does this a lot (my DH does and I end up silently seething at him, which I'm sure does my blood pressure no good).
But then I'm also not of the needing to be constantly on your phone to the point that you forget how to interact with the outside world brigade.

CiderBrains · 15/11/2018 19:57

He could have dealt with it better by asking you to put your phone away because you didn't need to look it up right now at dinner.. oh wait, he did. So he asked you to put your phone away, you ignored him so he (probably wrongly) walked off.

Tbh you both sound as bad as each other.

Regnamechanger · 15/11/2018 20:00

He was wrong to walk out and leave Op. However, I have a real thing about people on phones, or constantly checking phones, when I'm having a meal with them. It's so rude. So if Op has form for constantly being at her phone during meals, he did say he didn't need to know now.... and she carried on. Straw, back maybe?

llangennith · 15/11/2018 20:01

I'd have eaten his dinner too and sent him a picture of the empty plate.

Yes!

Rhiannon13 · 15/11/2018 20:02

That was a massive overreaction on his part.

Unless your attachment to your phone has become an issue?

LoniceraJaponica · 15/11/2018 20:04

He needs to grow up.

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/11/2018 20:05

Whether he was annoyed at the phone use or not, it is very unpleasant behaviour just to walk out, not say a word, be huffy for the rest of the evening and then threaten the same if the OP does something else he doesn't like. That's not how anyone should be interacting with their partner.