Second hand baby stuff.

[LG123]

I know I sound snobby here but I have categorically said I don't want my baby's stuff to be second hand. I know at nursery and other people's houses she will use other's stuff but I don't want anything that belongs to her to be second hand. I just hate the thought of it belonging to someone else prior to my little one.

My mum decided, against my wishes, to get a bouncer, stroller, some bike thing and a couple of stair gates (I can live with the gates) and I'm a little miffed because I asked her not to.

Aibu to ask her to get rid?

@greendale I don't need to get over myself thank you. 🙄 If you look at the thread I'm clearly not the only person who thinks OP is being precious. She is seeking to control the items her mother has at her mothers own house. Absurd. Each to their own but I would pick my battles if I were OP. Best of luck to her with motherhood if she gets her knickers in a twist over this.

@FenellaMaxwellsPony - I know it's handled in the production and delivery process.. but it isn't the same as being worn. I just wanted my wishes to be respected when it comes to my child, regardless of other people's opinions.

@Snipples so what if I am being precious with my first baby. It is about my mum disrepecting my wishes, which tells me she would happily do that in future.

No no no, use the second hand stuff and use the money you save to spoil your DC with something you wouldn't normally splurge on or get a lovely fat savings account for when they're older. I'd much rather my kids had a partial house deposit starting adulthood than shiny new stuff as babies that will be useless in a very short time.

Your house. Your choice of stuff.

Her house. Her choice of stuff (unless patently unsuitable or unsafe).

It really is that simple. You are coming across as incredibly precious and controlling, trying to govern what your mother uses at her own house. And just because it's your baby, doesn't mean it's ok for you to throw a tantrum and be 'silly' over it.

So 50 random people’s grubby hands on things are better than 1 clean baby? Glad you cleared that up....

I just wanted my wishes to be respected when it comes to my child

I think that's the crucial bit. Yes, I think you are being ridiculous BUT I respect your right to hold that view, and it should be respected by those buying things for you. If they don't want to waste money on new items then they should just not buy you/ your daughter anything rather than buy something you have been clear saying you don't want.

This isn't really about second hand baby clothes. It's about the OPs mother not respecting her daughters wishes.

The OP said she would pay for everything so the OPs mother had no reason to go out and buy second hand items.

If the OP had said she didn't want her child to eat meat or chocolate (if the child was older) and her mum just went ahead and gave the child these foods, I think everyone would answer differently. It looks like most people think second hand baby stuff is fine, The OP doesn't, and that's her choice to make.

Leaving aside your rather black-and-white thinking on second hand stuff, OP I don't think YABU to ask your mum to respect your wishes and it's annoying when someone else picks out something big like a stroller for your child, even if only a spare one, without any discussion about if it's suitable. My mil does it all the time and expects endless gratitude. I'm gearing up for an argument with her as she's gone and got a car seat for her car that isn't a very good one safety-wise and her driving is terrifying so I don't really want ds going in it. She just went and bought it with no discussion.

I think she is disrespecting your wishes purely because she thinks you're being silly. I wish I had an answer for how to get her to listen to you, but if my MIL is anything to go by its impossible! If you don't like the stuff she has at her house, just take your stuff with you when you visit.

New car seat. New cot mattress.

The rest second hand. It's all made to such high standards, and they use it for a few months, maybe a year. There's a whole lot of life left in second hand baby kit.

@Sleeplikeasloth - I'm not being controlling. I'm not expecting her to foot the bill. I just want my wishes respected.

@FenellaMaxwellsPony- How do I know the baby is clean? Handling during the manufacturing and sales process is not the same.

@Perfectly1mperfect - my whole point, thank you.

@Perfectly1mperfect - if I posted about her giving food that I didn't want her to, on mumsnet I'd probably be told to shut up and be grateful 🙄

Weird attitude to me.

I dont live particularly frugally, but I try to only spend on the stuff that matters, second hand on the stuff that doesn't. I bought a new car (out of savings- I didn't go into debt for it) when I had my PFB because I didn't think my current car was safe enough, but fuck me if I was going to spend New ££ on a jumperoo I could buy for £15 off Facebook marketplace.

For #2 he has all his sister's hand me downs, the only new thing he has is a single, expensive, just for him baby blanket, a few clothes that I couldn't resist, and a moses basket that converts to a bouncy seat as we passed on my daughter's old bouncy seat one to a friend.

I felt like this until the reality of baby costs hit me like a truck. We now have a really good second hand pram and a few other bits. Honestly, things get delivered washed and then you can always wash them again. I think the issue here is that your mum bought this stuff without asking you or letting you choose! She might think it’s a nice gesture but when it’s your baby you want to choose their things. Is there a reason she did this?

@Narya I probably should have left the second hand part out of it as it's not overly about that. I have second hand stuff for me. Thank you for understanding why I want my mum to respect my wish. But crikey, I'd have hit the roof if she bought a car seat. She's moving the stuff on now!

Tartsamazeballs - I'll be using most if her stuff for my next if I have one! Oh cool - a bouncy seat into a moses basket, where from?

@Angharad07 That is my issue yes. She just saw it when picking up gates and that's it. No other reason.

I'm with @Kokeshi123

There is zero logic in your points.

Plus you have no respect for the planet to need to buy everything brand new.

@JupiterDrops if I don't buy it someone else will. Only for my baby do I buy new. I have second hand things.

Zero logic to you. My personal preference and opinion is that I do not want to have them for my baby. It isn't even about that anyway, it's about the fact she went against my wishes. Crikey I wished I'd phrased without the words second hand.

Yes you are controlling. You are controlling what she buys for her house. She's not buying stuff for you as a favour, but for herself.

Both my daughters grandparents have stuff at their house. I would be weird and controlling if I said, for example, that the changing mat had to be from one shop, not another. As it is, they source stuff for their own use, from where they want.

If what they have isn't good enough for you, cthen you can choose not to take your daughter round there, but yes that would also be unreasonable.

And its nothing like them disregarding your wishes on weaning or discipline etc. It's not principle based, or safety based, it's just a silly arbitrary rule based on snobbyness. If you want all new, fine, but you can't impose that other people without people thinking you are unreasonable.

There is zero logic in your points. Plus you have no respect for the planet to need to buy everything brand new.

This is quite rude. You may not understand OPs logic but her reasons will be important to her.

I guess it's a good job someone buys new so there's enough second hand stuff to buy on eBay for all of the people who will only buy second hand.

And OP is not solely responsible for destroying the planet.

Again, the issue is about OPs mum going against her wishes, not whether second hand or new stuff is best for a baby or the planet !

My mum decided, against my wishes, to get a bouncer, stroller, some bike thing and a couple of stair gates (I can live with the gates) and I'm a little miffed because I asked her not to.

I'm taking it you're currently pregnant - you won't use any of that stuff with your baby until they are:
stroller - 6 months unless it has a bassinet bit
bouncer - about 3 months when they can suport their head
bike thing - over a year
stair gates - prob 9 months but maybe longer

You'll have time to work out whether you want to make a fuss. For now I'd just let it lie and see how you feel later on. Like people have said, once a baby arrives you quickly develop a different attitude to what counts as clean or worth the money!

@Sleeplikeasloth She knew my wishes on second hand baby things. Simples. I'd be saying I told you so if the wheels fell off the stroller, which has happened I'm sure. It.is the same as weaning and disciplining etc.. she went against my wishes on this so why wouldn't she on other things.

@Perfectly1mperfect - Thank you, thank you, thank you!

@HoustonBess - I'm guessing you've not read the thread as with others who think I'm pregnant. My baby is 2 months old so I already have pushchair, bouncers and all sorts.

Weaning, discipline etc are based on health, what's best for your child etc, not some weird arbitrary rule which seems to be founded on snobbery and nothing more.

And whilst I'd respect your wishes on something like weaning, this is more akin to you dictating that at your mother's house, your child must only be fed organic food sourced from Waitrose, rather than Tesco's. And in that, you'd be unreasonable and weirdly controlling.

@Sleeplikeasloth if that's your opinion then fine. So be it. I'm not the only person in the world that wants new stuff for my first baby.

My mum is very much 'Nanny knows best' and will probably go against my wishes time and time again, as she has this time. That is what my post is about.

this is more akin to you dictating that at your mother's house, your child must only be fed organic food sourced from Waitrose, rather than Tesco's. And in that, you'd be unreasonable and weirdly controlling.

If this was to happen and the mother was supplied with the Waitrose organic food and knew this was what the OP wanted for her child, then why on earth would the mother go against this. It comes down to respect.

LG123 I had similar issues with family members going against my wishes. As my children got older they even tried to get my children to hide things they had done with them that they knew I wouldn't like. In my case though, I should have just stopped my children being with these people sooner as they were not good people overall. There were much deeper problems though.
Is your relationship with your mum generally good ? If so I really would try to speak to her and get her to understand your views before it turns into a much bigger issue. If she's a good mum and person overall, you don't want to constantly be clashing. I hope you get it sorted. I think you have been given a really unfair time on this thread.

I can't understand that you want everything new for your baby.

I can't get my head round the fact that you want everything your mother has at her house for your baby to be new as well. That's absolutely ridiculous.

I'm a grandmother and we bought lots of second hand toys and other items to keep at our house for dgc when they were babies. All were thoroughly cleaned before use. I've just given the second hand high chair to a friend for her to use with her grandchildren as we don't need it any more. Nonsense to buy new for occasional use.