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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

550 replies

DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 18:58

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/11/2018 13:27

I'm stunned at some views on here! Surely our job as parents is to bring our kids up to embrace life and be adventurous, seize opportunities. Not clip their wings with emotional blackmail.

My kids are late teens now and who knows where they'll end up but I want them to be happy, that's my bottom line. Yes I'd miss them terribly if they lived miles away but it's not about me.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/11/2018 13:29

As for not being close to parents if you choose to live so far away .... what bollocks!

Sounds like a friend of mine who claims her family are closer than most as her teens never go out without her!

Beansandcoffee · 15/11/2018 13:30

No one is clipping anyone’s wings. The OP asked how parents would feel. I would feel devastated but I wouldn’t stop my child. However I, as a parent, might not want to travel 24 hrs, can’t fly, don’t have the £, and so I wouldn’t pretend that I was happy about it but I would wish them all my love.

Italiangreyhound · 15/11/2018 13:33

No wing clipping at chez Greyhound!

when my dd mentioned living abroad I just smiled. I would always be kind and supportive. But it's about trying to explain how parents might feel. Of course the other side of the coin is parents might worry and some worry more than others, I am a worrier!

TheWiseWomansFear · 15/11/2018 14:07

Is 2 hour Eurostar away is hardly the same as a 24 hour plane journey... she's not stopping you, she's just sad and that's OK

TheWiseWomansFear · 15/11/2018 14:08

My mum was devastated when I moved to London, let alone Sydney

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 15/11/2018 14:50

Absent health conditions or financial worries I would honestly travel to Sydney in a heartbeat to spend time with loved ones. I find it very sad so many ppl wouldn't think seeing their parent/child worth the effort. But clearly that is a view some hold and i need to respect it.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/11/2018 14:55

It isn’t about clipping wings.

This thread is about how we would feel if our children moved to Australia. Not what we would say or do.

For those of you with young children- the love and concern doesn’t go away when they grow up, you know!

RiverTam · 15/11/2018 15:00

Dexy You can't go to Australia for an overnighter. I struggle to balance work, DC and seeing ageing/poorly parents and ILs and we're all in the same country, with no-one more than 100 miles away!

Snog · 15/11/2018 15:03

A flight to Sydney for a parent can take a big physical and/or mental toll even if they seem to be in good health.

OP being older is just not the same as being young, you can't really assume it is the same for PIL to travel as it would be for you. And even apart from that there is the emotional sense of loss that can be very hard to process.

I feel like you just don't yet have the life experience to relate to PIL. My advice would be to simply recognise and acknowledge that this is difficult for them, and that they are telling their truth when they tell you this. They are not the same as you which doesn't make them wrong or you wrong.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/11/2018 15:04

I would feel absolutely devastated. I’m not sure I’d be able to keep it under wraps.

VenusClapTrap · 15/11/2018 15:07

Absent health conditions or financial worries I would honestly travel to Sydney in a heartbeat to spend time with loved ones. I find it very sad so many ppl wouldn't think seeing their parent/child worth the effort. But clearly that is a view some hold and i need to respect

That’s because you’re young, Dexy, and not particularly empathetic. It’s not about it being ‘worth the effort’ or not. For some older people, travelling so far is a huge deal, expecially if it’s not something they’ve done before.

notagoodname · 15/11/2018 15:13

when i was 18 I booked a one way flight to australia and didn’t tell my mum til it was done Grin she was worried but excited and still tells me 4 years later she’s not been more proud. I think as you’re adults you can make you’re own choices and she should realise most people would go to somewhere better for a great job. It doesn’t have to be forever and good reason for her to holiday there Smile

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/11/2018 15:16

Posted too soon.

My kids are still little but I think even if I was happy they had the opportunity to go, I’d be very sad. Long haul isn’t easy even in the peak of life so I don’t think I’d particularly enjoy it in my 60s.

Your last comment really stings though. There’s a strong possibility that I’ll still be working at 65 when my kids are about the same age as you are now. I’d think quite a lot of people will have the choice of holiday or visit family in Australia rather than do both, and then feel absolutely horrible if they decide they just can’t do 24 hours on a plane again and go to Spain or something. I don’t expect to earn anywhere near enough to facilitate regular trips to Australia so I guess you’re fortunate that you already do.

I know you said ‘absent health or financial issues’ but those are often the most pressing. I’d visit my mum who only lives 150 miles away every weekend if I could but I don’t have the money or the time.

kenandbarbie · 15/11/2018 15:20

I would be devastated. My sis in law lives there and while it was fun with lots of visits back and forth for the first few years, my dp mum is now too elderly to make the journey and dsil is only able to travel back herself only every two years. It has negatively affected how close the family is and is very hard.

abacucat · 15/11/2018 15:26

I will be working until 67. A long flight would mean worrying about back pain beforehand. I am fine for a few hours in a plane seat, but a long haul flight would be much harder. And trust me the jet lag gets harder as you get older.

kenandbarbie · 15/11/2018 15:36

My dmil is also hard of hearing now and can't understand what people are saying on skype or FaceTime and not really on the phone either. The flight is now too much for her, not because of effort but because she physically can't cope with it. Which is to be expected as people age. Dsil has been there over ten years now. There's a big difference between travel at 65 than late 70s onwards for lots of people.

abacucat · 15/11/2018 15:40

Some people can still do long haul travel in their late 70s, but it is much rarer.
Back problems, arthritis and similar complaints are common. These people would still describe themselves as in good health, but would make long flights painful experiences. I think a lot of younger people look at older retired people doing fun things, and don't understand the aches, pains, and tiredness that the older people take for granted.

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/11/2018 15:46

I find it very sad so many ppl wouldn't think seeing their parent/child worth the effort

That is breathtakingly self-centred, OP. You are simply unwilling to see any point of view other than your own here.

Have you actually flown to Australia yourself at any time?

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 15/11/2018 15:51

Yes of course!

Equally i think it would be breathtakingly self-centred to be devastated about your child moving overseas but to say "i can afford this flight and im in good health but.... Meh i'd rather not its quite long and draining". Which is essentially what a few people have said on this thread. And what MIL is saying. And i can't get my head around it.

Either be devastated and put in the reciprocal effort to see your kid as much as possible or wish them well and say "we'll see you when you're next over here".

OP posts:
Original poster
DexyMidnight · 15/11/2018 15:57

@Diana i know we're only talking hypothetically but if your kid moved you could always meet them halfway. I think my parents will do that on one of their visits (maybe thailand?) as it will be less tiring for them and for us than if one pair flew all the way.

And once again i'll stress that PIL don't need to come if they don't want to. I'll probably be sad that they don't think spending time with us justifies the inconvenience but I'll swallow my pride and not let it show in front of DH or them because i just want us to get along and them to make peace with the move

OP posts:
RiverTam · 15/11/2018 15:58

well, no, I think the onus is on you - you're the one choosing to move halfway around the world.

(And I must say, having been to Australia, I'm really not that fussed if I never went there again, so having to spend ££££ getting there and for it to take weeks of my annual leave would be pretty galling. I would do it, for my child, but it would probably mean going without a holiday that I actually wanted to take, IYSWIM.)

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 15/11/2018 16:02

@RiverTam but that's the point (for me personally) you'd do it for your child.

Others wouldn't and to me that's weird but I'm not going to throw around accusations that they obviously aren't close to their kids or don't love them. That's obviously wrong and unfair - they would just be different to me and my parents. That's ok.

Everyone has their boundaries and priorities and so on.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 15/11/2018 16:02

Totally agree BigSandy, I just don’t get the devastation about moving to Aus. Yes, I can understand being sad but to say you are ‘heartbroken’ or ‘devastated’ just seems totally over the top.

My great grandmother left Australia in the 1930s, never went back and, as far as I know, never saw any of her family again. Of course there was only letter writing to keep in touch. She frequently told me what a great adventure it was and how happy her family had been for her to have this opportunity.

I would genuinely be thrilled if my (only) child had the ambition and enthusiasm to get a good job and move away.

Maybe as a family we are not particularly close, my PILs both lived overseas, my siblings have travelled a lot, neither myself or my siblings stayed in our home town after leaving school, my Parents retired a long way away from any of us. We all get on but without day to day contact, and my parents are in good health in their late 80s which I appreciate is very fortunate. I would have hated my parents to ‘hold me back’ from my dreams & I wouldn’t do that to my DS.

Sunshineonleaf · 15/11/2018 16:03

Haffdonga what a touching post. I remember you from lots of uni threads (I was under a different name). I feel for you.

I live in an area of poor graduate employment prospects. I resigned myself to the fact that when my DC left for university they were pretty much leaving for good. I slightly envied the parents of their less academic friends whose DC got jobs locally.

I am thrilled that one of my DC is living and working only an hour away. The other is still a student but currently applying for jobs hundreds of miles away.
If they went to Australia I would be bereft.