WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

I would do it but I don't know how long for, I might well start to resent having to spend so much money and so much annual leave on it, and I would still feel utterly devastated that she'd moved so far away.

@rivertam that is very fair. I understand that

OP this isn't about what PIL would or wouldn't do for their child, you are making it very simple and one dimensional which it's not, and yes, I agree with PP you do not seem to have much empathy.

Flying to Australia for most older people is more than an "inconvenience"

I don't think we are going to agree on the flight point. If you're well and the flight is paid for then i do stand by the fact that's it's just a massive ballache.

But although i won't be moved on that point i am very enlightened about the way MIL is feeling and the reasons why she may be feeling that way.

Is there any reason why you feel able to determine I must be lacking in empathy? I can't see some posters views on certain aspects of this debate and they can't see mine.... We must all be guilty of lacking "empathy" (which if i may say is another MN classic to roll out when you can't think of anything further to say but wish to shut soneone down!)

I don't want to shut you down. I said I thought you were lacking in empathy because you described someone feeling upset for genuine reasons as being "slapped arse faced" and "pissing on your chips". Neither of these are expressions I would use to describe someone I had an iota of sympathy for.

"Totally agree BigSandy, I just don’t get the devastation about moving to Aus. Yes, I can understand being sad but to say you are ‘heartbroken’ or ‘devastated’ just seems totally over the top."

because you may never see them again.
you may only see them once a year, or every six months.
it costs an absolute fortune for a return flight to australia
not everyone has much annual leave
i could not take two weeks off work. the last time i had annual leave planned like that was possibly over 10 years ago, i can't even remember. i'm not sure if i've ever taken more then one week's holiday in a row.

if i moved to australia my mum would be beyond devastated. my dad died when i was 13, my mum lives on her own. we see each other once a week. we go out for meals. we do things at home. we go on little trips to places nearby. a lot of families around here live within walking distance of each other, they spend evenings around each others houses or flats.

my sister lives in london. i visited in 2015, i haven't been since then (disability, at the moment am struggling to walk more than a few steps or stand). my mum was sad when my sister moved to london, because she knew instead of seeing her regularly, it would be a very occasional visit, with huge costs - taxis, trains, tubes, more taxis, hotels, meals out, all adding up to a lot of money. my mum has arthritis and struggles to walk, she managed to go and see my sister recently for 3 days, she has come back limping and unable to walk properly. she looks exhausted. of course it would be a tonne easier for her if my sister was closer.

a lot of families don't want their children to move, from their point of view, they want to be involved in their lives, to have fun and happy memories, to be at birthdays, events, not to miss all of that. to be their for the birth of their children, big events in their life, to help if they're sick. instead of seeing someone once a week, it's once a year. instead of being there for all these pivotal things, it's missing all of these things. maybe not seeing their grandchildren. etc.

this doesn't apply to the OP, because she clearly explained the situation and that they didn't see each other regularly. it applies to all the people who have expressed bewilderment that anyone could be heartbroken that their children moved across to the other side of the world.

DS is only a toddler but I would be devastated. I would, like others have said however, try not to show it. Likewise, I couldn't leave my own mum! If it was definitely for a fixed period, I could accept it better but given it could become permanent, I would find that hard.

I went to study abroad as a teenager and I remember being told that while I was off to have the adventure, my mum was returning to the same house, only empty, once she had dropped me at the airport.

You say now you don't want kids but that could quickly change.

Well if that's the standard then i think MIL is lacking in empathy for not saying "well done on the job" etc because she's making this all about her and refusing to see this from our pov as much as we're ignoring her needs and refusing to see if from hers. See how the argument works both ways?!

Someone comes in and says "my FIL just died and MIL cancelled the babysitting we agreed for next week. AIBU to go NC with her?" - everyone piles in and says "you're lacking in empathy (and a psycho)" = fair enough.

But this MN tradition of piling in with "you don't agree with me so I'm going to accuse you of lacking empathy" is so ironic (!) and tedious.

I think I've made it PLENTY clear on this thread that people's insights have helped me understand MIL's reaction better. That doesn't mean i have to concede that a (paid for) flight is an insurmoutable obstacle for a fit and healthy 58 year old. Continuing to disagree with that doesn't mean I'm lacking in empathy so sorry but I'm not going to give a shit that you feel that way.

"I went to study abroad as a teenager and I remember being told that while I was off to have the adventure, my mum was returning to the same house, only empty, once she had dropped me at the airport."

That is very poignant and makes me glad neither set of parents will be there to wave us off when we leave. Too much!

I haven't read the full thread but I am surprised by the general consensus that parents would be so hurt at the thought of their child moving away. I thought MNers would be supportive and encourage independence and adventure. As in that's what you raise your children to aspire. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I'd be gutted too but would comfort myself by saying it's only temporary (at least initially).

However...you've been married to a Dutchie for 5 years and haven't yet realised they are so direct/blunt??

If that’s what makes them happy, that’s fine.

I want my children to be happy.
That’s my priority. They don’t belong to me.

Most parents support their children and want the best lives for them. It doesn't mean they don't feel upset when a child moves to Australia. It is normal to support their decision but still feel upset for yourself.

OP it's quite possible your MIL is low on empathy, but that doesn't mean that you aren't too! I think you are making the right decision, I've never said otherwise, but I do think that you are lacking in understanding and empathy for PIL position and feelings. Obviously you don't want to hear this and have reacted by throwing stones, not an empathetic reaction.

I went to study abroad as a teenager and I remember being told that while I was off to have the adventure, my mum was returning to the same house, only empty, once she had dropped me at the airport.

I hope it wasn't your mum who told you that! What a manipulative, selfish piece of twaddle. I would be fuming if someone said that to my child after I've waved them goodbye on their year abroad.

It's parents' job to raise their children and let them go, and not stand in the way of their child's happiness and fulfilment. And I say that as a parent.

Time is needed by MIL to reconcile situation and she will. You have the excitement of a new job and move to new country whilst she can only see an even less oppirtunity to have son nearby. Depending on her age a trip may not be feasible for her. Give her some slack and a bit empathy.

i think dexy has made the right decision too, it's her decision not the MIL's. however, i do believe the MIL should've said i'm happy for you if you're excited, even though i'm gutted for myself, instead of being how she was about it. it's understandable she was upset, but she also should appreciate how much it means to dexy as well.

Realistically I would fly to see my child hypothocally living in Australia once a year as I only get 5 weeks AL. Realistically when they fly back here for a visit that would be only for 2 weeks as they would use leave for my visit and also want their own time. That means maximum I’m seeing my child twice a year. That is what we mean by devastated. I wouldn’t stop them but I’m 54 so say 20 years that’s 40 times over the next 20 years.

I'd be devastated but i'd try not to show it.

You have written " it will impact my/our relationship with her"

Rather think that moving to Australia would impact any relationship...?

Sounds v exciting hope all goes well

Sorry, I would be completely devestated and would tell my DS exactly how I felt. However if he wanted to go he would go x

I'll speak from the other side. My parents moved from Australia to England before I was born. I never had a relationship with my grandparents or cousins as a result.

My mum couldn't make her dad's funeral. It was just at too short notice and she couldn't get time off work and book flights to Australia in time. It's not the same as a funeral in the same country. Most workplaces will allow you to take a day or so for a funeral, but with Australia it can't just be a day - it needs to be a week minimum, often unpaid, plus the cost of flights and the effects of jet lag on top of grieving for your parent.

Flying to Australia is exhausting even when you're young and in perfect health. As you get older, it gets harder and harder. Then add in poor health, maybe arthritis or stiff joints, and the prospect of 24h in economy with little leg room or chance to stretch isn't a fun one. Then add the cost of it - it's expensive when you work, try paying £600+ per person out of a pension. It's not cheap. Then add on food, insurance, car hire and everything else. It's quite selfish to move to the other side of the world and expect your relatives to foot the bill each time you want a visit!

I don't blame her. I would be devastated.

I would say, if you can, go for it. The whole work/life balance is so much better, and the international opportunities are amazing. I would miss them so much, but would be happy that they had a more balanced and better life. If DH and I were young enough, we would go in a heartbeat.