WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

As parents our job is to give our kids roots, but it’s also to give them wings.

Absolutely, but also compassion and the ability to care.

Parents are not there to be dumped like old overcoats when their need to nurture is over.

It’s a psychological difference. She may not visit from Holland, but knows it’s easy is she wants to. Australia is a far bigger deal. One of my adult children is talking about travelling in aus. It just popped out of my mouth, great idea, but in a jokey way said you’re not to stay forever. He looked confused and said why? I said because I don’t you the other side of the world! It really would devastate me but you have to let them fly free if that’s their choice (please don’t choose that!!)

cheval

I agree,
I have been personally affected by emigration, and the loss for those left behind is heartbreaking to watch.

My son went to New Zealand for a gap year- everyone around me told me that would be the last I would see of him.

Thankfully he came home and no desire to return.

Hey @Peppypig it's hard to give any weight to your opinion of the situation given you were unable to even read the OP and comprehend that I'm married to him. I don't think we're in any danger of you being offered a jobs overseas dear!

But for some posters no grandchildren seems to equal a detached sort of infertility.
😂 really don't see where you got that from - all I see is people saying how they don't get to cuddle their grandbabies. Hard to imagine no doubt if you don't have children yourself, let alone being likely to be a grandparent! I think that what with climate change etc. the world today is a crap place to have children and wouldn't blame anyone not wanting to bring any into it. But would still love to cuddle my own grandchild, for the purely selfish pleasure of being reminded how great it was when my own kids were babies. And having little people that think you are hilarious just because you stick your tongue out. And being amazed by how clever little kids are, and seeing them learn something you showed them, and reading them the books you were read as a child and seeing them enjoy the same stories, and playing with their cute little toes and ... well, maybe you do sort of get the general idea???

I would die if my grown up babies moved to the other side of the world.

Going against the grain here
Id be proud of my child. Happy that she has obviously done better in life than me
I think it would be utterly selfish to even so much as voice concern over such a move, the risk it could change her choice is to big. I dont want her to stay to keep my feelies happy

Not saying it wouldnt be sad but pride would be much more overriding

Maybe it's just as I've lived "overseas" for 27 years until it is exactly like living "not overseas", but sorry OP, I still don't get what it is about getting a job abroad that is especially clever. It's exciting to learn about a new culture etc. and adventurous to try something different I guess, can't remember that far back but a job is a job is a job, no?

I agree @RavenMum i don't think it's that special. If anyone said they were off overseas for work I'd know they had some get up and go but i wouldn't be wide-eyed. I definitely would be excited for them though.... Unless it was Frankfurt

I'd be upset but so pleased at the same time. My friend spent two years on a tropical island but then came back. You're old enough to barely see family anyway so maybe plan one visit either way during the time and Skype often.

@ravenmum of course i can appreciate why ppl like their grandchildren. What i was referring to with that comment was the posters last night who said things along the lines of they'd mourn for the grandchildren they'd never have.

I think PPs may be right when they theorise that MIL has reacted so badly b/c the move makes her realise that she might not have GC (although that's tosh as she has another child) but that realisation only came to me last night because i didn't know ppl could feel a similar sense of loss for no GC and they could for no DC at all!

My DS went off to NZ 3 years ago on a working visa he has met a NZ girl and is now making his home there applying for a residency visa .I miss him so much but I know he has a much better quality of life there and we have whatsap, messenger and FaceTime so its easy to stay in touch and we are going to visit in February for a month
You are away for 2 years it will fly by and your DH parents will wonder why they worried .So go and enjoy your life don't feel guilty

This is hugely stereotypical but aren't Dutch people extremely honest and sometimes a little blunt? If so, she's just letting her feelings be known in a way that is culturally normal. As opposed to British niceties. I'm sure any Mum would feel sad about their child moving to the other side of the world. I know my Mum did when I moved to Australia! Give her time to get used to the idea, make an effort to keep in touch when you move, invite them to stay etc and she may warm to it. You don't need her approval though, just feel confident you're doing the right thing for you and your husband.

On another note, whereabouts will you live in Sydney? I can highly recommend the Northern Beaches :)

To be honest if my child moved to Australia I would probably end up moving there myself too

I’ve no idea if they’d let me in and I’ve always loved being in England but I’d give it up to avoid the pain of only seeing her twice a year.

She’s an independent girl and I think I have done a good job of raising her (so far - there’s still time for a major screw-up) but by god I’d be gutted if she lived on the other side of the world!

That's two votes for northern beaches! We are not sure yet - DH sorting that side of things (the only logistics of emigrating he has expressed an interest in!)

My 2 eldest are almost out of their teenage years, one doing nursing, one an electricity apprentice and I am encouraging them to take their skills abroad! Preferably Australia than USA, just for the gun laws. I want them to have a great quality of life and you certainly don't get that in the UK! I have never heard of nurse's in Australia having to go to food banks! If I could have my time again I'd look to do the same. Good luck on your adventures 😃
Yes MIL is upset, it's probably a huge shock. But as you describe, realistically, she is still going to have the same contact, probably more as more effort will be made because of the distance (presumably skype). I'd give her time to adjust to the idea, let her see how happy you both are, I'm sure in time she will come to terms with it. Aww so happy for you both (and jealous) x

My two children were born one in NZ one in Aussie, they are well into adult years now, one already lives in Aussie, my other adult child, with her family including my beloved Grandaughter, will be following along and moving to the other side of the world, I wil be heartbroken, but I will smile and deal with it, it’s hard, when you are older it’s not always easy to face the huge journey to visit, it’s tough already to have this feeling of huge distance between myself and my oldest child, I am thinking it will not get better when they have all gone, I want them all to be happy and love the life they have, so I will carry on smiling, but don’t underestimate how tough that is

Teacher what a ridiculously over dramatic comment. Surely you raise your children to have ambitions? Are you really a teacher?

I am truly surprised at the volume of comments about ‘devastation’ on this thread, and the Op’s DMIL is not even 60, it’s hardly ‘abandoning your elderly parents’ .

It’s good you’re trying to listen to the responses despite admitting to feeling surprised and being a bit defensive OP. I hope it will help you feel and express more compassion and empathy towards your MiL. My career has meant I’ve worked abroad a lot (and still do travel frequently for work) and in my 20s I fell deeply in love with someone far from the UK. I’m an only child (I’m not sure if your DH is) and in the end I felt I couldn’t do it to my parents and didn’t want to lose the closeness I have with them either. It wasn’t a clearcut decision, however, and it is something I’ve had to live with - despite going on to marry someone else, have kids etc, none of which I regret. On balance though I think if you’re young you just have to go for it, so perhaps I should have been more selfish, and you definitely shouldn’t change your plans to suit your MiL as in the end it’s your life. But to reach 30 and still not get what the issue is suggests you are still quite young and self-absorbed. So rather than getting annoyed with your MiL perhaps you can channel your discomfort into trying to develop empathy/ understanding/ more mature feelings? The impact on your own parents is also absent from the discussion so I don’t know if that’s got anything to do with why you’ve reacted badly against your MiL for her feelings of sadness? In the end though, you should follow your dreams, good luck!

@Lulu777 thank you for your thoughts. I can get on board with lots of what people say but still vehemently disagree with other aspects. DH has a brother. My parents have been touched on in the thread - they are really chuffed for us and planning visits etc. They were very supportive and wanted to know all about the company's I was applying for and analysis the ins and outs of what pension scheme was better yadda yadda. I mentioned upthread my silbing used to live out in Aus and they really enjoyed visiting etc.

and p.s. i don't think I'll ever get what the issue is as i'm not a parent, and all i know of families is that you want what's best for those you love so ... this all baffles me. If the roles were reversed and my parents said "you're a grown up now love, we've seen you through uni and you're married with your own house, and now we're off to live our lives and go to Australia" I'd feel a pang of sadness ABSOLUTELY but I'd also recognise it wasn't about me and I'd be made up for them. I would.

It’s not binary though Dexy. You can be happy for them but still be gutted.

A close family member of mine is likely to go to Aus. I am gutted and dreading it because I know it will happen. I don't think the opportunity for their line of work is that good over there compared to here either, and they will be even worse for keeping in touch and supporting their elderly parents. The driving force behind it is their other half, and had they met someone else they probably would have never considered it. It will very likely be a permanent move too. It's hard

The way you feel about your parents is nothing like the way a parent feels for a child, and that doesn't change when the child grows up.

"it's not binary though... You can be happy for them but still be gutted."

This is completely my whole point, the point of the entire thread! I get that she's sad and i (now) get that there may be deeper sideline issues that seep into this (grandchildren, mortality, frustration over lost opportunities in recent years).

Not sure I'll ever get why she has reacted the way she has, but she has and we need to reassure her and make an effort etc.