WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

Haven't rtft so someone may have said this.

I suspect that the reason she is upset is because the move has been instigated by your job changes / job opportunities rather than her son's. So she sees you as being the one that is taking her son to the other side of the world rather than it being his impetus to do it.

Maybe she also sees you as the reason he is not living in the Netherlands.

So from her perspective he's not living in his home country because of you and now he's moving as far away as you can get because of you.

Obviously these are all your husband's choices but she may just be wishing he'd met a nice Dutch girl.

Hi
We emigrated to NZ about ten years ago with two small kids. Both sets of parents have been supportive even though we have only been back to the UK once since we moved here.
I’m positive they were both upset that we were moving but they did not express this - they were simply happy that we were grabbing every opportunity life gives us.
My parents have used our move as an opportunity to expand their life experience as well. They come over every two years for three months at a time. They love it here.
As parents we have no control over what our children do with their lives. We just have to hope that they do something worthwhile and fully live every minute they’re given.
I will be heart broken if my kids move back to the other side of the world, but as long as they are happy I will support them.
We don’t own our kids, they are not an extension of us. We have to set them up to live their own lives.

My family has scattered around the world and I think my mum does feel sad about that, but she has her own life which is full and meaniful. My MIL also misses us and wasn't thrilled at us moving overseas again, despite seeing as much of us overseas as she does when we have been in UK, which I do think is a little odd. She sometimes makes slightly passive aggressive comments about whether the DC would want to come home.
Give your mil time, it comes from a place of care.

You described a long haul flight for an older person as ‘an inconvenience’.

That’s an example of lack of empathy, right there. Empathy is not about agreeing with someone. It’s about being able to imagine how someone else is feeling.

Well I have been there with my only child and his girlfriend. Devastated does not even start to describe the emotions a mother feels. The thing is, whilst I accepted and gave my blessing, as we get older life, family etc become more precious. Travelling at an older age for a long distance is not always great and when they visit, you will only have limited time to spend with them due to your work. Yes UK is not his homeland, but two weeks here is fine as the journey is short. Two weeks in Australia really doesn't make the trip worthwhile plus the expense can be prohibitive. Oh to be young again with the head and experience and emotions of an oap. I wish you the very best and be sympathetic to your partners parents, old age creeps up and life becomes quite scary.

Unique no it wasn't my mum! She would never had said that though I know she was emotional seeing me go.

I’d be devastated. I’d try not to show it, but I’m not particularly good at masking my feelings, so could well avoid any discussion on the subject to protect them from having to deal with my feelings.

Which might end up looking a bit like your MIL’s behaviour...

I am 57. Believe it or not, it's not considered old but it's become a little daunting to do new things. Like travel to australia. If my son told me that he was following spouse to australia "2 years, then see" i would be devastated.

Having a child is like putting your heart on roller skates and sending it out to play in traffic.

The older my dc and i get, the more I wish my mother was alive so i could thank her for being so supportive.

Look at it as if dh was leaving you. It's similar.

I'd be gutted. Totally. The reality would be seeing my child, even as a grown up, once a year at most - and this may well decline as me and dh got older and couldn't do the journey ourselves either. And just phone calls in between times, dodging the time differences. And then, if and when she decided to have a family - and I wouldn't be close by and would be missing out on a major part of my family. It would be heart breaking. Obviously I wouldn't try to stop her, but I doubt I'd be able to maintain a happy, no issues type persona about it all all the time either.

I guess if they only see each other twice a year anyway, it must be more the actual distance involved other than the reduction in visiting. Maybe use that and show them how that level can be maintained so things don't change.

I do understand how it happens though, and why. My SIL is Australian but lives in the UK, with my BIL and family. They visit Australia once every other year roughly. Her parents try and visit them in the alternate years. Sometimes though, finances, etc don't allow it. SIL definitely misses out on some key events, and likewise her parents. She didn't really plan it that way though - it was circumstances and she had to make a massive decision several years back over it.

ginger glad to hear it

Of course most parents will be sad to hear that their adult children are moving thousands of miles away, but why piss on their chips by telling them? There's a big difference between telling your child you'll miss them but you hope they have a wonderful time, and telling them you're devastated at the idea of them going.

It's not deportation. It's emigration by choice. Chances are the person leaving will be a mixture of excited and nervous about such a big move. A parent coming along to say they're devastated and trying to guilt-trip their child into staying is being monumentally selfish.

I know I would be gutted. But I hope I would smile, wish them well and make plans to visit as often as I could. But, I would be gutted. It’s just so far away ....

To be honest my son moved to Australia for 4 years, home now but probably going back for good in the near future. It's devastating, I can't afford to visit very often and face the prospect of my grandchildren growing up on the other side of the world. I know it's a great lifestyle out there and the weather is better than here, but I would never have put my parents through this pain. Physical pain 😌

Look at it as if dh was leaving you. It's similar. Really ? No wonder there are so many MIL problems around if you think your son moving to Australia for a great new opportunity is the same as your husband leaving you.

And yes, I say this as a mother to an only child (a son).

Some of this must be parental expectations, having grown up on a small island where most DC left my parents did not expect me to always be around as an adult. That makes emigration easier as an idea. Having moved around the worl with my DC I could hardly be surprised if my DC did the same thing.
Your DC spreading their wings is nothing like your DH leaving you, one should develop independence, the other has promised to always stay with you.

@OnePotato2Potato you can be ‘supportive and encourage independence and adventure’ as well as being devastated that you can’t see your loved ones and their family. It’s finding the money, the time, arrangements for animals, balancing with other people that want to visit, time differences for phone calls etc.

If they genuinly only visit twice a year then I think that it is not so bad. Of course it is far away and they have a right to be sad. If it were my daughter/son I would be pleased for them but sad too. I think that is just the way it is really. I would want them to have the opportunity but would miss them - but would still want them to go

My cousin went Adelaide about 15 years ago having married an Aussie. Her parents (now in their 80s) have just gone to join them on an elderly parents visa!!

I'd be gutted if my daughter moved to Australia. Scotland would be bad enough. I'd also be gutted to be on the other side of the world if she had babies. I think that would be the hardest thing of all, actually, because I'm used to her being grown up and independent and I want her to be. But not to be there when she had babies, I'd struggle with that.

id be gutted but id give them my blessing and skype a million times a day

“Before anyone says she sounds like a dick” ...lol I’m not gonna lie OP, as I was reading your post I honestly was thinking you just sound like a dick, then I came accross that line and it made me laugh. The reason why I thought that is because you either lack understanding or empathy or you aren’t willing to be empathic or understanding for this situation. Of course that woman would be upset, stop acting daft!!! I understand that you want support from her, she’s not actually your mum... and you are not married to this guy. She’s upset, do you need us to give you a list of readons as to why that might be? I’m sure you can figure it out yourself. Stop letting it effect you so much and get on with it. What does it matter if your relationship with her is hindered when you’ll be living the otherside of the world...?

I’d be deveststed if my son were to move they far away but I wouldn’t make it difficult for him.

DHs brother has moved to USA and MIL is in denial about it, still thinks it’s not permanent (it defo is). She’s gutted, I can tell. And particularly because they don’t have the money to make visits.

If you had children you may feel differently

My brother moved to Canada and dm sobbed like he'd died. She loves him and misses him. I love travel and part of me would like the experience of moving abroad but I'm a very family focused person. That said, my closest family is 1.5 hours away but reachable in a day for most of them. I'd want my dc to be happy but I'd be sad too. I kind of feel I can't move away as db did so I can't do that to dm too.

I live in the UK, away from my parents and other family. DH has close family that has emigrated to the US, Canada and Australia.
I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t devestate families and affect future relationships. It does. Only in recent years, since I’ve had children and my parents got older, that I fully understand the repercussions of my decisions. I don’t regret it but it has been hard at times.

I think OP, you can be a whole lot more empathetic to your MIL.

I moved to California so have totally done this to my mum! I think I’d be privately really sad if my kids moved abroad, but I would do as my mum did and tell them to go for it and just make sure I visited them and stayed in regular contact. I value my kids being able to live fulfilled, exciting lives over them fulfilling my desire to be near them all the time. As parents our job is to give our kids roots, but it’s also to give them wings.