To ask PIL not to bring other GC on days out

[Petitprince]

We have an ongoing situation with my lovely PILs and aren't sure how to sort it out.

For background, they live near SIL and BIL and do a lot of childcare for them, which is great and we have no problem with. They are understandably very close to these GC. Also, because BIL and SIL have quite a few children, PIL buy a lot for them. Again, no problem, they can spend their money how they like, but is relevant later.

We live at a distance and just have one toddler, quite a bit younger than the other littlest GC, a lot younger than the rest.

When we go to see PIL, the other grandchildren come round pretty much all the time, ask to stay to dinner and stay over if we are staying over etc. This is under the guise of spending time with their cousin, but means that our DC barely gets any quality time with their grandparents.

After a year of these visits we asked if they'd come to see us instead, or go on days out, but they keep bringing the other GC because they say they don't get to do nice things otherwise (admittedly, BIL will just sit on the computer all day and doesn't really take them out because he says there are too many to cope with).

Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there as they are much bigger and more boisterous, so doesn't get to see much of PIL.

Also, PIL complain if we want to go to places with a mid to higher entrance fee as they then have to pay for the other GC (no chance of BIL and SIL paying or coming along).

This Christmas we'd like to go to some grottos and Christmas things, and they say they'd like to come, but when they see the price per child they ask if we can do something else.

We want it just to be them and our child. AWBU?

Tough one but I think YABU really.

My brother and his wife were like this with me and my children and would be annoyed that we were at my parents house when they were visiting. It really upset me to be honest as I felt me and my children were unwelcome.

Tread carefully if you value the relationships.

It's tricky isn't it? How would you suggest handling it?

Maybe try going somewhere you can pre book and you book for just gps?
If they won't pay for extra dc to go they can't expect you to either!
Would bug me no end also.

My dc had very limited time with gps due to agro from sil +her dc.
Gps only see 1 of 3 of my ds's now as adults due to lack of gps investment.

I think saying that you’d rather do this specific activity and would prefer it was just them as your DC doesn’t get to spend any quality time with them would be fine. It’s not like you are saying never include the cousins, just on specific occasions.

I don’t think Yabu. I would just spell it out to them that you want time with just your dc and them, so they can get to know them properly, rather than the shy version of them.

Can you talk to them about it now. "We're planning to do x, it will probably cost x per child". Then if they do want to change the activity later on just say "no".
How old are the other gc? Could you ask them over midweek when they're in school?

For the grottos then I would say you are booking for wherever whenever and that they are welcome to join you and leave the ball in their court.

For the rest I would just see it as a positive of allowing your children to have a good relationship with cousins

Your Parents are making sure that their Grandchildren aren't neglected. That's always a tough situation to be in. I'm making up the shortfallings of the UC Benefit and my DD's ex being a crap dad. So I know how they feel.

To be honest the lower key, less expensive outing with Cousins thrown in, will be of value very soon, when your child is older.

Being in such a situation adds a different perspective to the child. Especially if you aren't short of money.

I wouldn't worry about this, this year. Things can change and life doesn't always go as expected.

Can you invite them over when the other gc are at school?

I’d aim at getting a mixture of visits really. Occasionally specify that you’d really love them to come and see you without the other gc to do the grotto etc but actively arrange another outing that does involve them? Harder to refuse if you are suggesting both trips.

In a short time the age gap will seem smaller and your dc will have a great gang of playmates- assuming your PIL haven’t dies of exhaustion first.

Came here to say YABU but you really aren't. I think it's the clamming up and withdrawing. Obviously of you onsisted that other GC were never there that'd be unreasonable, but I think for one or two Christmas things where you say you want to do something age appropriate for your own DC without the older ones that's ok. Can you pre-buy tickets for something? Then it's already planned and there's no discussion of changing?

The thing is ime, regular gps visitors assume rights to toys /TV /gps and the last one in feels like an awkward guest - is this what you mean op? Very difficult, my dc saw gps twice a week for an hour each time as sil +her dc were there the rest of the time and my dc felt unwelcome.
I gave up tbh, ds sees them but the rest don't. She is still having sil's dc visit every day!! Retirement has brought her no peace - her words!

I know this is me being unreasonable, but I just want them to want to spend time getting to know their littlest grandchild, who they hardly ever see.

I don't think your unreasonable but I do think your going to have to bite the bullet and explain you would like them to spend time with just your child so they can really get to know them.

It's not reasonable to expect your child to be reluctant and shy because they insist on bringing the older children. Neither is it fair that they have so much responsibility because these children's parents cannot be bothered to act like parents, but I suspect that's a whole other thread.

My MIL does this with her youngest grandchild. Basically brings him whenever she comes to see my older DC.

I just let her be. Live and let live.

They work during the week so it's weekends only really. Our DC is a toddler, whereas the others are all primary school age boys and understandably like to run round, while she is still too young to join in.

They take the other GC on lots of activities where we're not invited. I just hoped that they'd want to do the same with her.

Not sure how you can handle it, it doesn't sound like they would be very receptive to you suggesting they come alone or saying you'd like to see them alone. Could your DH tell them you'd like to see them for quality time alone, perhaps suggest somewhere for food where a haul of children wouldn't be best?

This is actually the reason my brother's don't speak to their dad. Every time they went to see him his step GC was always there, it was only one child but they have learning difficulties and would go wild, between him and his mom they would completely take over the visit, my brother's felt like gooseberries and their kid's barely got a look in. In the end they just stopped bothering and their dad took offence.

YABU. They sound like great grandparents. Imagine if your DD was primary aged and was left out in favour of her grandparents wanting to do exciting fun things with a younger child.

Does DD go to nursery or toddler groups? In my experience toddlers like spending time with other children and age isn't usually a barrier? Tbh I think you should go, embrace the fact that DD is getting to spend time with her cousins and encourage her to get stuck in.

Sounds like my MIL (who we are NC with now btw).

Each time we were invited round for lunch/tea etc SIL children would be there and our DD would be 'second best'. The SIL children (MIL daughter) would be there there every weejend with sleepovers and treats....so it hurt that on the very rare occasions we would go (as not invited often as MIL busy with other GC) they would be there as MIL didnt want THEM to be left out.....

Its difficult as its hard to put your point across without sounding selfish....

But I definetly dont think you are BU.

OP you are NOT being unreasonable... I get you completely..

I would tell them straight up... THIS grandchild wants to get to know you .. at her own pace and without the chaos of the already established grandchildren.. could they please understand this....

not everyone enjoys group gatherings... so an occasional bit of time alone with her grandparents shouldn't be too much to ask...

But at the moment she's regularly 'left out' because they're doing things with the other GC. We see them at most once a month, compared to the other GC every day.

They sound like really lovely grandparents. Ask them over to tea occasionally? I think if you say "I wondered if there was a day when you aren't looking after the others, that you'd like to come over to tea?" and occasionally ask them if they want to bring the others so they don't think you are against the other kids. I know how much my grandchildren love their cousins, and your child will get used to them eventually.

I don't think yabu, I think you need to sit them down and explain it like you have here, when they say the other gc won't get to do things otherwise say gently "So dd misses out on a relationship and time all of the others gets because of that? You consider her feelings to be second to the others?", If they still don't agree then just say "You'll be the one that loses out then, what a pity for you". I would obviously not go nc but I would distance myself a bit. I mean I get they are being nice but they are also being unfair and now it's been pointed out then if they still don't care I would definitely be stepping away just a little

Why don't you ask her straight up..

Explain you'd like them to spend some quality time with them and it would be nice to see them without other gc being present. If she doesn't feel comfortable leaving other gc for just one occasion then there's nothing you can do

You just have to be clear.

We’d like you to come to xyz on your own as it’s not really something the cousins would enjoy and we’d love to have you come with DD