To ask PIL not to bring other GC on days out

[Petitprince]

We have an ongoing situation with my lovely PILs and aren't sure how to sort it out.

For background, they live near SIL and BIL and do a lot of childcare for them, which is great and we have no problem with. They are understandably very close to these GC. Also, because BIL and SIL have quite a few children, PIL buy a lot for them. Again, no problem, they can spend their money how they like, but is relevant later.

We live at a distance and just have one toddler, quite a bit younger than the other littlest GC, a lot younger than the rest.

When we go to see PIL, the other grandchildren come round pretty much all the time, ask to stay to dinner and stay over if we are staying over etc. This is under the guise of spending time with their cousin, but means that our DC barely gets any quality time with their grandparents.

After a year of these visits we asked if they'd come to see us instead, or go on days out, but they keep bringing the other GC because they say they don't get to do nice things otherwise (admittedly, BIL will just sit on the computer all day and doesn't really take them out because he says there are too many to cope with).

Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there as they are much bigger and more boisterous, so doesn't get to see much of PIL.

Also, PIL complain if we want to go to places with a mid to higher entrance fee as they then have to pay for the other GC (no chance of BIL and SIL paying or coming along).

This Christmas we'd like to go to some grottos and Christmas things, and they say they'd like to come, but when they see the price per child they ask if we can do something else.

We want it just to be them and our child. AWBU?

How about inviting them to two events. 1 they can bring the gc along with them that doubles as the kids Christmas present- local panto, cinema, adventure playground or similar. And 1 aimed at pre school that you can book as your child’s Christmas treat for their gps. So your not excluding the gcs your giving them time and attention too

If they are doing things with there are activities planned for older GC only then they can hardly be offended at an activity for the younger one only.
Maybe if you offered a two fold approach as in " why don't we do X with DD and then Y with all the cousins".

I don't think YABU at all. I'd be honest about it and say "DC is still young and even though he loves his cousins to bits can get overwhelmed when everyone is together! We thought it would be nice for you to go to this grotto with him before Christmas and spend a bit of time together- what do you think?"

It's a perfectly reasonable invitation and if they say no because they only want to see your child in the company of all their other grandchildren then at least you have your answer and can accept it and stop trying.

Honestly OP I think you are being unreasonable.

Look at it this way - in the past when people had bigger families and there was far less attention per child - and a lot less money for special activities - grandparents would not have made special time for particular children. Your child is younger so can't push in - but having lots of cousins will be so great for him as he grows.

They sound like a big warm family - so many people would be envious!

Try to chill out about it and the relationship will develop as your little one gets older. I think its lovely for him to have his big cousins around - if they were his siblings he would have to learn to cope!

You are all right, of course, I'm probably being PFB about it all. We're also struggling with infertility so I expect our DC may be an only child, and will be glad of the cousins when she's older.

Oh and the grotto price is only per child, adults are free.

@petitprince
I feel for you, I've not had this with my 4m baby as his cousins are way older but I've known my wider family to have the same when I was growing up ( I'm 36 ).
I agree with lots of the different comments and advice here.
Being upfront is a good start and also inviting them over when you know the cousins won't be there during school/ holiday time or maybe late afternoon / early evening for dinner, if you have a day or afternoon off work etc. Do try and be upfront with your PIL and say you think your toddler is sometimes left out being younger than the cousins. Suggest you all have a change of scene and you are booking a Christmas day trip and it's your treat, just you 5 and you can all have quality time together and if appropriate maybe joke it be peaceful and a nice change for them not to have lots of children to entertain at home also!
Good luck and let us know your outcome!

Context is everything.

It sounds a lot like the GPs are filling in the short fall of the parents. That’s a good thing. They are good people. It’s not in anyway directed at you and you should feel proud of them.

I don’t think you should challenge or change their behaviours as it won’t help. You need to change your attitude. I say that with kindness.

We've also tried suggesting that BIL and SIL come join us too, so PIL don't have to do all the parenting of the cousins, but apparently, they need a break so wont come.

I had similar - GP didn't bring GC to ours but just were never free to visit as always looking after SIL GC, even in the holidays they were either looking after them, their dog, or taking their whole family on holiday (and paying). They would gushingly tell us how they would love to visit/babysit/take our dc overnight to give us a break but whenever we called them up on it they were never free as looking after other GC. In the end we gave up. It was what it was. Now when we visit (not often) they complain that they don’t have the same relationship with our dc as they do with the other GC.

I really feel for you @Petitprince as we are also constantly told SIL needs 'a break' - from what I don't know as she never seems to have her kids and is always out or away!

MIL has never babysat for DD (not that I would allow unsupervised visits anyway now after all that has gone on - long story).

I am just glad that my parents have a really close relationship with DD and ALL the other grandchildren as they treat them all equally unlike MIL with hers...

YANBU, whilst I think it's brilliant they've taken on so much of the caring for their grandchildren, they should try to treat them as equally as possible and since they get lots of time with those grandchildren they should occasionally make some one on one time for your daughter too.

YANBU - they should make time for your DD as well.

But you should not change your plans - they've been invited to the Christmas grotto stuff, it's their choice if they decide not to go because they refuse to consider the option of NOT taking the other DGC!
It's not up to them to insist you change your plans.
If they want to take their DGSs somewhere free, then they are at liberty to do so - YOU want to take your DD to X place, and you would like it if her grandparents came too.

All that will happen is that, as they all grow older, your DD will be less inclined to spend time with them as she WILL feel it, children always do. I know we did, with my Dad's parents (who lived close to his brother's family and far away from us)

'We're arranging a toddler day out, just for the five of us, so that DC can get to know you a little better. It's not appropriate for her cousins, who she will see later at X event. We really hope you can come.'

I think it's a good point about the cousin relationship which can be lovely.

Our in laws are very funny about having them all at once (the noise!!) so I'm kind of having the opposite problem in a way.

YANBU - same with my parents they always brought DN along - visits to them DN always turned out to be there and still getting all the attention.

Nothing I've ever said or suggested has ever changed that. I'm resigned it is what it is though I do eye roll when they complain about not having same bond with my DC that gets blamed on us moving away for work which didn’t help but even if we were till close by wouldn’t be any different IMO in fact it's better as my children don't notice or care now.

Could you either

1. Ask the to stay overnight for something (day out plus babysitting for example). They're unlikely to want to bring a another child for an overnight stay.
2. Do something when the others are at school, even if it means that you need to take a day off work.

Then afterwards say how nice it has been to just have some alone time with them.

I'm with you OP.

I have exactly the same with my dad, his partner and her Grandchild. Her son was a teenager when his daughter was born, and actually ended up living with my dad and partner, with the baby.

Accordingly (surprising to no-one) it was Partner who did most of the work, then and it set patterns which have never gone away.

Partner's Grandchild is now 12. DD is 8. They literally have PGC every weekend, take her out, have her sleep over for days at a time, take her on holidays, out for meals etc all the time. There's no family issue, now, PGC's parents are still together etc, it's just 'what they do'.

Meanwhile, DD has spent a total of five visits ever with her Grandad and step Grandma, without PGC. They've never taken her out alone without us, even for an hour, never had her sleep over, or anything.

I've stopped planning things with them, because PGC is always there, no matter what. She's a nice kid, but it's obvious she doesn't like DD
'intruding' on her Grandparents, and the age gap is (and will be for years yet) really awkward in terms of interests.

Even seeing her to exchange Christmas presents or birthday presents tends to be an afterthought to taking PGC to see partner's dad, or we go to them, and she's there.

There's nothing I can do about it, but it does hurt. DD doesn't understand why they like PGC more than her, and I've just about given up on my relationship with my dad because of it. We're secondary to Partner's family and grandchild, and that's that.

I have no solutions, OP, except to stop expecting it to be different. Find other people who care about your DD and include them in her life. She won't miss what she's never had, and you will stop resenting it if your stop expecting it.

I would go ahead with any plans you want to make - invite GParents, but don't change your plans for them. YANBU in my opinion, but that could be because I had something similar with MIL. She would ask to come round to see DS and turn up with BIL's DS (3 years older). We would arrange to go to the park, then other DGC wouldn't want to go so we would end up staying in. His needs came first every time.

A break for the parents is good now and then. What we talking about though? Do your PIL have the GC over once or twice a week for few hours after school or the weekend for the day or overnight?

Also doesn't matter where you live or how far, my beloved GM lived in a council house in central London but we couldn't afford to live in the area and moved out of London but I saw her twice a week still, my cousins came at Easter and Christmas only but that's down to their parents, my Mum's Brother's.

If you just told them straight that your dc would love to spend a bit of quality time with just them, wouldn't they be pleased that you want to include them in your child's life? So many gps feel left out... but you want to do the opposite. I don't understand why they wouldn't want a closer rleationship.

At leats your child will have a great relationship with your ps. Maybe, ultimately, that will be enough.

Yabu it’s not you’re fault you live further away my db is excately like this when they come up and my dc are not included in any activities whatsoever.

They take them to school each day and often do pick up too. They also have them overnight most weekends (although often only two at a time rather than all at once). They babysit them all overnight every couple of weeks for a date night for BIL and SIL.

We had the same problem, SIL and Family would hijack visits to PIL. Eventually I said to FIL, that sometimes when we visit I really want it to be just our DC and them, so that our DC get to spend one on one time with them, and develop a relationship outwith all the cousins. FIL was very receptive to my honesty. We still have visits when everyone is there, but we also have visits just for us.

Get your DH to speak with his sibling and say "oi, get of your arse and parent your kids" were off out with Mum and Dad and will be back later.

Your DH needs to step up if his parents can't