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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL not to bring other GC on days out

176 replies

Petitprince · 13/11/2018 10:57

We have an ongoing situation with my lovely PILs and aren't sure how to sort it out.

For background, they live near SIL and BIL and do a lot of childcare for them, which is great and we have no problem with. They are understandably very close to these GC. Also, because BIL and SIL have quite a few children, PIL buy a lot for them. Again, no problem, they can spend their money how they like, but is relevant later.

We live at a distance and just have one toddler, quite a bit younger than the other littlest GC, a lot younger than the rest.

When we go to see PIL, the other grandchildren come round pretty much all the time, ask to stay to dinner and stay over if we are staying over etc. This is under the guise of spending time with their cousin, but means that our DC barely gets any quality time with their grandparents.

After a year of these visits we asked if they'd come to see us instead, or go on days out, but they keep bringing the other GC because they say they don't get to do nice things otherwise (admittedly, BIL will just sit on the computer all day and doesn't really take them out because he says there are too many to cope with).

Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there as they are much bigger and more boisterous, so doesn't get to see much of PIL.

Also, PIL complain if we want to go to places with a mid to higher entrance fee as they then have to pay for the other GC (no chance of BIL and SIL paying or coming along).

This Christmas we'd like to go to some grottos and Christmas things, and they say they'd like to come, but when they see the price per child they ask if we can do something else.

We want it just to be them and our child. AWBU?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/11/2018 11:33

YANBU but it's difficult because it sounds as though they have a closer relationship with the older GC. That might not be nice to hear but it's inevitable if they're just down the road and see them more often.

I think if you want your DC to have a closer relationship with them, it's up to you to make it happen. Talk to them and say you want them to get to know your DC better. Take your DC to see them. Invite them specifically to ticketed things that you pay for (and maybe you and DH don't even attend so your DC as 1-2-1 time with them).

I don't think it's fair to penalise the older GC by 'blocking' them when you visit if they are used to spending lots of time with their GPs.

Poppyfr33 · 13/11/2018 11:34

They sound like great grandparents. Speaking as a grandparent I like to spend one to one time with the grandchildren, it will be difficult but have a chat with them.

lynzpynz · 13/11/2018 11:34

I def wouldnt cancel or change the grotto plans if its something you want to do, and as someone else said above just say you’re going, GPs are welcome and leave ball in their court. Plenty of other things you can all do together in addition without your wee one missing out on your grotto plans because the whole clan descends.

I dont think you can get alone time with the GPs by sounds of your situation, unless you orchestrate a visit around a time when they are all at after school activities or on a holiday! You could always book a long weekend in a wee cottage somewhere as a birthday treat (did similar for my mums 60th) which sleeps 5 if you have the money if you’re super keen for alone time? xx

smithsally884 · 13/11/2018 11:36

But at the moment she's regularly 'left out' because they're doing things with the other GC. We see them at most once a month, compared to the other GC every day.

But that's because you chose to live at a distance and they chose to live close by.

HauntedPencil · 13/11/2018 11:36

I was thinking YABU until I saw the bit about the whinging about paying etc

It's nice for them to be all together but also not all activities are going to be age appropriate for older ones.

BonfireOfTheVanities4 · 13/11/2018 11:36

Yanbu op.

smithsally884 · 13/11/2018 11:38

I honestly understand where you are coming from and I don't think YABU really, but I don't think its possible to say anything without seemin mean-spirited and petty

Purplepinkpurple · 13/11/2018 11:40

Yanbu. Grandparents should treat all gc the same. As you dc grows up i wouldnt be surprised if they resent the gp and cousins if the relationships continue like this

HauntedPencil · 13/11/2018 11:40

I would arrange a thing and say "probably best not to bring older DC this time, it's too young for them and they will be bored"

As a compromise and it is nice to have cousins together I'd suck up a few visits to their house too, you can then say we can all get together at x date at your house.

I do find having the youngest GC in our family that the Gparents aren't as keen to do all the young kids things all over again. MIL is much better with older children.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 13/11/2018 11:40

The trouble OP has is that no matter what she organises they will continue to priorities their other GC. If you invite them to something and ask them to attend alone you get the sob story of the other GC missing out.

I'm not sure how you can resolve this as on reflection even if you asked them to come alone or book an event for them and just you DD they wouldn't consider going as they are too worried about the other children missing out.

Batteriesallgone · 13/11/2018 11:40

It’s hard.

What we did was speak to SIL. Say that DS gets overwhelmed by her kids (said it nicer...!) and maybe we could organise for a visit where her lot weren’t there.

She is close to her cousins and was so busy trying to force the cousin relationship she hadn’t looked at it from DS point of view.

Now they are all older our DC are close to both MIL and cousins, though still don’t enjoy big family gatherings. It’s about making time for quality time with everyone and being honest about your child’s needs.

smithsally884 · 13/11/2018 11:44

Think how the other GCs and their parents would feel if they were dropped as soon as the 'prodigal son/daughter ' comes home.
I think the GPs can't really do anything else but adopt a come,one, come all attitude- which is what they are doing

smithsally884 · 13/11/2018 11:46

'maybe we could organise for a visit where her lot weren’t there. '

tjhere is no way this can be put without causing offence- I speak from experience

Missingstreetlife · 13/11/2018 11:51

Being kind perhaps they just see it as one big family that your child joined last, but it is a bit odd. Usually people would spend some time with each of their children and those grandchildren, as well as big family things. Other factors, quality of relationships, birth order, sex of dh sibling etc may be in play. Are you the most recent adult to join the family, do you feel added on? How is relationship with your parents.
Make some invitations and be quite clear what you are asking for.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 13/11/2018 11:52

I think the GPs can't really do anything else but adopt a come,one, come all attitude- which is what they are doing

But that's not what is happening. Surely they understand an activity suitable for a child in KS2 primary is not going to be appropriate for a toddler and vice versa? What the GP in this situation are doing is excluding the toddler as they feel it is their responsibility to pay for the rest of the GC and because they cannot afford it then the OP's daughter misses out.

The fact they take the other GC on day trips out also shows this is not about including all the children, but about including the SIL/BIL's children at all costs.

Original poster
Petitprince · 13/11/2018 12:00

I really like my PIL, and no, I'm not the latest one to join the family. DH and I have been married for longer than BIL and SIL but we do live further away (due to work) so have always seen less of them

Our relationship with my DP is great, and my DC see them a lot more often, even though we also live at a distance. But she is the only grandchild on my side of the family, if that makes a difference?

OP posts:
PrincessDaff · 13/11/2018 12:04

I had this growing up. Me and my sister lived about 45 mins away from gp and my cousins lived in the same road. They obviously saw them every day and us once a week or every 2 weeks. They treated us like 2nd class grandchildren. Our cousins had their own money boxes that my gp would put money in for them and all the toys were theirs and we were not to touch them! We always felt less important to them.

KC225 · 13/11/2018 12:07

Why not book tickets for the grotto for your family and your PILs. Say it's a treat. If they mention the other grandchildren, say we thought it would be nice this time if that baby could spend some time alone with you. Tell them that with the boys being primary age, she is shy around them and you want them to get to know her properly. Can't really be offended by that. Then try and build on that.

Stereomum · 13/11/2018 12:10

Sounds like my in laws, we are nc now after many years of trying. Sadly our children never ask after the Gps because they were pushed to one side so much.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/11/2018 12:10

Can you afford to treat GP to one of the grotto things? Then invite them, offer to pay for them, and make it clear that it is just them and your own family. For a one off. Maybe in the same conversation have a chat about something that all the children can do together.

I think it is NU to want some time just for your child and her grandparents, if it is not all the time.

HauntedPencil · 13/11/2018 12:11

Being the first/only GC makes a big difference ime.

Sadly for my in laws the novelty quickly wore off.

They do sound much nicer than mine though!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 13/11/2018 12:12

They're not great grandparents and they're not come one, come all. If they were they'd be doing a mixture of stuff just with older dc, some altogether, and some just the little one. At the moment the only gc they feel happy leaving out is the little one.

I lived 4 hours away from my adored gps, all my cousins lived on the same road. I never felt out because I never was. That's not the case here.

DamnCommandments · 13/11/2018 12:13

I think this is a temporary problem. My PIL always invited older, more local cousins over too and never got to know my kids as little individuals. Now I see that they never knew the elder ones as individuals either. They just saw them as generic "grandchildren". MIL is dead now and FIL is emotionally useless... but my children love their cousins, and their cousins love them, in spite of the age difference. Those are relationships which will last them a lifetime.

So I say, don't raise it. You can't fix it. And even if you could, you shouldn't bother.

Melamin · 13/11/2018 12:18

My parents were like this. They looked after one set of grandchildren and they were always there when the others visited. After DM died, DF always had a DGC in tow when he visited.

Once when he had been drinking he was a bit maudlin about not seeing the other grandchildren and not being involved - one set is adult now and the others are younger. I think it was when the DGC he saw all the time went to uni. There wasn't much I could say really. He doesn't see it. The bonds are just not there.

greenlynx · 13/11/2018 12:22

YANBU,
I like someone’s idea about asking them which day they are free from looking after cousins and also booking tickets somewhere only for them as a treat.

Are other GCs their son’s or daughter’s ?