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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL not to bring other GC on days out

176 replies

Petitprince · 13/11/2018 10:57

We have an ongoing situation with my lovely PILs and aren't sure how to sort it out.

For background, they live near SIL and BIL and do a lot of childcare for them, which is great and we have no problem with. They are understandably very close to these GC. Also, because BIL and SIL have quite a few children, PIL buy a lot for them. Again, no problem, they can spend their money how they like, but is relevant later.

We live at a distance and just have one toddler, quite a bit younger than the other littlest GC, a lot younger than the rest.

When we go to see PIL, the other grandchildren come round pretty much all the time, ask to stay to dinner and stay over if we are staying over etc. This is under the guise of spending time with their cousin, but means that our DC barely gets any quality time with their grandparents.

After a year of these visits we asked if they'd come to see us instead, or go on days out, but they keep bringing the other GC because they say they don't get to do nice things otherwise (admittedly, BIL will just sit on the computer all day and doesn't really take them out because he says there are too many to cope with).

Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there as they are much bigger and more boisterous, so doesn't get to see much of PIL.

Also, PIL complain if we want to go to places with a mid to higher entrance fee as they then have to pay for the other GC (no chance of BIL and SIL paying or coming along).

This Christmas we'd like to go to some grottos and Christmas things, and they say they'd like to come, but when they see the price per child they ask if we can do something else.

We want it just to be them and our child. AWBU?

OP posts:
Coffeemummy123 · 14/11/2018 18:21

Wow, life can be complicated. You should be having this discussion with the gps, after all they may not like being in just your, their son or your child's company (only saying this as a "have you considered"). All that aside to have the life and relationship you desire you must make it happen otherwise you are accepting it and encouraging what is now the status quo. I hope you find the courage and words to make the situation better.

Original poster
Petitprince · 14/11/2018 18:36

Thanks for your replies. Yes, my parents are great with my child.

I take your point about them being my nephews, and we have always made a fuss if them, but wouldn't necessarily choose to see them thus often.

We'd happily take days off midweek but PIL still work full time.

OP posts:
StarB3 · 14/11/2018 19:43

So they take the other grandchildren on trips out without inviting your child but you're worried about not inviting the other grandchildren. You are not being unreasonable. It sounds like they do a lot for the other grandchildren and it wouldn't hurt them to spend some special time with your child.

QuizzlyBear · 14/11/2018 19:43

I don’t think YABU at all, OP. It’s sad when you see your child’s relationship with their GPs suffer at the expense of their cousins.

My eldest brother’s kids are the favoured ones with my DPs - the first two were twins and my DPs has them for 24-48 hours every week to ‘give their parents a break’. This continued for four years and the relationship is ridiculously tight (my DM genuinely sees herself in a parent role). It’s continued with weekly babysitting, sleepovers, days out and (most recently) paying for and hosting a personal trainer for one of them when he became overweight. The youngest came along 8 years later and became the ‘favoured baby’ who gets lots of attention and 121 play.

I have a great relationship with my DPs and my kids love them to bits but it makes me sad that it’s been at least two years since they saw their DGPs without me being there to ‘parent’ them, or since they spent any 121 time with them. I don’t ask them to babysit etc since they’ve both had health problems over the last few years and DM tellls me how hard she finds it - not that it stops her having the others! I don’t think it’s done lasting damage to their relationship but I don’t think they have the same amount of love and caring for my kids as they do with their cousins.

happymum12345 · 14/11/2018 20:35

You are so fortunate to have such lovely grandparents! This phase won’t last forever & your dc will soon be chasing after his big cousins. If it bothers you, just book the tickets & take dc yourself. Just think of your family like the Waltons. No family is perfect, try to count your blessings

CowgirlBride · 14/11/2018 21:03

My family has similar but kinda the opposite. My mum and dad lived far away from their eldest GC and saw them once or twice a month, whereas their other GPs (SIL parents) lived nearby and saw them several times a week. My parents would make arrangements to go and see their GC, and the other GPs would turn up. Every. Fucking. Time! They would know that my parents (and often me) would be coming and would just pitch up at the house. And we’re not talking about birthdays or other special occasions where obviously everyone was welcome, just a visit. Obviously the GC would go to the GPs they knew best, and give them cuddles more readily etc. My mum used to get really upset and felt that they saw the GC enough in the week without HAVING to come over when they were there!

GreenTulips · 14/11/2018 21:07

You are so fortunate to have such lovely grandparents!

They are lovely - to some of the grandchildren - just not all of them.

BIL and SIL aren't part of this dump and run 'waltons' family are they?

CF

Thehappygardener · 14/11/2018 21:20

I think that your in laws are being hurtful, probably unintentionally.

They might be better with older children and perhaps once your toddler is old enough to play with cousins it’ll be easier.

Take your child out to lovely grottos and Christmas treats with your parents or just with you and keep the cheaper events such as playgrounds for your in-laws. If they don’t have much money, they won’t be able to keep up with the grotto visits with their other grandchildren. Go without them so that the older cousins don’t feel left out.

In our family, it feels as though the in-law grandparents are extremely competitive and they try to push us away. Hopefully it’s inadvertent as well but nevertheless still hurtful.

You sound lovely and thoughtful, don’t get upset by them. Families and how to survive them! 🌺

BJ1978 · 14/11/2018 21:30

My sister has this problem with her PIL. They live overseas and when she takes her 4 DC over to see them they not only insist on bringing the two GC they have with them but a friends child as well. They hav even brought this child with them overseas to visit my sisters family. I think it’s selfish in the extreme for one set of GC to get all the time with their GP and your children miss out. It’s not too much to ask that they spend some quality time with your DC quality means with them not with a gaggle of kids.

FaveNumberIs2 · 14/11/2018 21:31

You are not being unreasonable. Personally, I would be saying to the oldies that your daughter would like some time alone with her grandparents.

If they are not willing to fulfil her request, then you need to accept that they really don’t want to be part of her life.

No one is right or wrong, but they need to understand how their clearly one-sided attention/affection for the other gc, is affecting you and your daughter.

FairyFlake45 · 14/11/2018 23:23

YANBU! Just explain how you feel and see what they say......
Surely they want to get to know your child and have a close relationship with her so it’s in their best interest too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2018 23:52

just accept that when you visit it will be all the kids and a bit chaotic. (My kids would have loved that are you sure yours doesn't?)

Well let's see - the OP says this: "Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there as they are much bigger and more boisterous, so doesn't get to see much of PIL"

I'd say that the OP knows her DD Is Not Loving It.

MrsAmaretto · 15/11/2018 00:16

YANBU.

But if neither you or dh will speak to your inlaws, nothing will change.

MartyMcFly1984 · 16/11/2018 09:28

I get your point, And I think it comes from a good place, but I’m not sure you can do anything other than mention it and hope for the best.

However I see it like this. You choose the kids you have, not the grandkids. The grandparents won’t necessarily see your dc as different, just one of a tribe. I used to hate it when my gp divided time and money by dividing us by our parents. I had to share with my 2 siblings, but a cousin got to be the one singled out and spoiled alone. I saw my bro all the time, and what I would have enjoyed was a day out with my cousin or gp.
I agree though that they shouldn’t complain about the height limit though. That’s organised by you for your dc, so if they agree to come, but also arrange to care for other dc, with fair warning, that’s their problem.

PrivateDoor · 16/11/2018 09:46

OP I really think you just have to accept that the PILs will be closer to the other children - after all, they live close by so it is only natural that this will be the case. They cannot suddenly cutback what they are doing with the others in favour of your child because that would be really hurtful to the other kids. They are doing their best by still making a big effort to see you and your dd but they cannot suddenly start to leave out the other GC. I know you state your dd is being left out, but she really isn't, of course they cannot see her everyday when you live far away.

You clearly dislike the nephews and if you don't want to spend time with them then you will just have to accept that you will have to see less of the PIL too.

The PIL sound lovely and are clearly doing their best. I think your idea of speaking to them about this is absolutely dreadful and I suspect you are going to mess up what sounds like it has been a really good relationship.

Original poster
Petitprince · 21/11/2018 12:08

I know you're right. I'm being unfair I know. But every time we speak to them, everything our child does gets compared to one of "theirs" (they refer to the other GC as theirs, but not ours). I just wish they could celebrate her achievements without always bringing up the cousins.

OP posts:
Original poster
Petitprince · 21/11/2018 12:09

But then it's children, and I'm being petty I know. Aaargh!

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 21/11/2018 12:14

(they refer to the other GC as theirs, but not ours)

Cut your losses. It's never going to change so don't be in that environment, especially for your child's sake. I personally wouldn't force the issue, I just wouldn't make an effort with them.
They have made their choice, fuck them.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 21/11/2018 12:16

I would cut anybody out who is being negative to my child.

No need for it.

Weezol · 21/11/2018 12:18

You are not being petty or unreasonable at all.

But if neither you or your husband will speak to the GP's about it, how will it ever change?

Original poster
Petitprince · 21/11/2018 13:17

But if neither you or your husband will speak to the GP's about it, how will it ever change?

I would, but my husband thinks dropping stupid hints is better. It isn't, but I'm wary of damaging our relationship if I mention it. If it was my parents I'd mention it straight away, but my family is like that. We get everything out in the open.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 21/11/2018 15:24

I know you're right. I'm being unfair I know.

OP why are you only listening to half the opinions. Lots of people have said YANBU at all.

PinkAvocado · 21/11/2018 15:38

YANBU.

Also the suggestion that your daughter needs to be socialised using her cousins is utter nonsense.

The only way it’ll be solved is to have a frank discussion but I don’t think that’ll happen given your husband’s attitude to it.

Mickeysminnie2 · 21/11/2018 16:03

Petit Prince the majority of people have said you are not being unreasonable but you insist upon apportioning yourself the blame. If this is how you carry on in real life it is no wonder you can't get the problem sorted.
The more you post the more you come across as a complete doormat and then you query why people insist on treating you like that.

Ohyesiam · 21/11/2018 16:06

My kids have always seen their grandparents in a crowd of cousins, and they are 11 and 14 now and still get on great with GP s . I wouldn’t worry about it.