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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL not to bring other GC on days out

176 replies

Petitprince · 13/11/2018 10:57

We have an ongoing situation with my lovely PILs and aren't sure how to sort it out.

For background, they live near SIL and BIL and do a lot of childcare for them, which is great and we have no problem with. They are understandably very close to these GC. Also, because BIL and SIL have quite a few children, PIL buy a lot for them. Again, no problem, they can spend their money how they like, but is relevant later.

We live at a distance and just have one toddler, quite a bit younger than the other littlest GC, a lot younger than the rest.

When we go to see PIL, the other grandchildren come round pretty much all the time, ask to stay to dinner and stay over if we are staying over etc. This is under the guise of spending time with their cousin, but means that our DC barely gets any quality time with their grandparents.

After a year of these visits we asked if they'd come to see us instead, or go on days out, but they keep bringing the other GC because they say they don't get to do nice things otherwise (admittedly, BIL will just sit on the computer all day and doesn't really take them out because he says there are too many to cope with).

Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there as they are much bigger and more boisterous, so doesn't get to see much of PIL.

Also, PIL complain if we want to go to places with a mid to higher entrance fee as they then have to pay for the other GC (no chance of BIL and SIL paying or coming along).

This Christmas we'd like to go to some grottos and Christmas things, and they say they'd like to come, but when they see the price per child they ask if we can do something else.

We want it just to be them and our child. AWBU?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 13/11/2018 18:45

Just had a thought how would they feel if every time they wanted to come along with other gc, you also invited your own parents at the same time to make a fuss over your dc? It might teach them how it feels.

BusyMum47 · 13/11/2018 18:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable- we were in EXACTLY the same situation when our son was young & it used to really piss me off! My husband & I would often find ourselves on days out with our own child, 5 uninvited nieces/nephews & the grandparents. We'd end up doing most of the childcare/entertaining/paying while the grandparents would allow themselves to be completely monopolized by the children they saw EVERY DAY & our son wouldn't get ANY attention at all - except from us. We might as well have just been out by ourselves with him.

WitchyMcWitchface · 13/11/2018 18:58

The GPs have raised a lazy unappreciative ?DS who has married an equally unappreciative partner, this is now being continued with the DGCs who will not appreciate the effort that the GPs go to for them. Especially if they see them so often and the GPs can't afford any special treats as there are several of them. The DGCs will also copy their parents lack of gratitude.
This is how the ILs have it, only they can really change this. I think I'd concentrate on other friends and relatives for your DC.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 13/11/2018 19:01

Sorry to go against the grain but Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there rings alarm bells to me

Maybe socialising on a more regular basis would be helpful..

I am very sorry to say that

We want it just to be them and our child but your child isn't the only child in the world, and is healthy to share and not be centre of attention all the time

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 13/11/2018 19:03

Sorry pressed send too soon. Especially for an only child is so important to get them to socialise and realise that they dont always get the sole attention of adults, and dont always get what they want

It is a great lesson for a little child

cptartapp · 13/11/2018 19:06

PIL live next door to SIL and BIL and our DC have always played second fiddle to my nephews (just as DH has to his DS). The favouritism over the years extends to money, babysitting, gifts, time etc etc, even as far as FIL referring to my nephews "ours do that." Ours!?! They think I haven't noticed but I have.
As PIL are very old school and think nothing of rapping very young children on the knuckles with spoons and going on about "elbows on tables" it's no great loss. Proximity means the grandparental relationships are never going to be equal.

GreenTulips · 13/11/2018 19:12

where we're not invited. I just hoped that they'd want to do the same

You need to call them out on it - but you did X with DCousins last week and toddler wasn't invited???
Or day
'Oh that's nice toddler would've enjoyed that'
'OH BIL and SIL had a date night? We haven't had one for agggggeeess'

Oh and I get the 'ours' - been there done that

masterandmargarita · 13/11/2018 19:22

I would do all the expensive things on your own. Stop visiting them so much and just accept that when you visit it will be all the kids and a bit chaotic. (My kids would have loved that are you sure yours doesn't?) Finally I wouldn't be so concerned about grand parents having a relationship with your kid. If they want one badly enough they'll come to you.

Missingstreetlife · 13/11/2018 19:58

Maybe do something adult with gps, tea at garden centre maybe? A small child will be ok but other kids not appropriate, or paid for activity. Get them to come to you. Hints are useless, tell your dh not to be wet.
Ask for what you want, be straight and direct, no guilt tripping. If they say no, say that's a shame and move on, at least you tried

AnotherEmma · 13/11/2018 20:13

YANBU.
However, they are not going to change. Particularly as your DH doesn't want to talk to them and doesn't want you to, either.
Which one is his sibling, SIL or BIL? Did his parents treat him and his sibling differently when they were growing up?
My guess is that the family dynamics are complicated which makes it difficult for you as the outsider.
My advice is to step back and stop having hopes and expectations as far as PILs are concerned.
They are clearly bending over backwards to compensate for SIL and BIL obvious neglect. It's a shame they had so many children given that they're not interested in looking after them.
If you think about it, your DC is much luckier to have two devoted parents, even if they don't get quality time with paternal grandparents, that's not really what matters.
It hurts (I get it as I'm in a slightly similar situation) but try to focus on what you do have.
It is honestly their loss.
Flowers

Fairyliz · 13/11/2018 20:30

TBH I feel sorry for the grandparents. They are working full time and looking after grandchildren whenever they can. They must be knackered!

I know you daughter is wonderful and very special to you but honestly it will do her good to try and mix with her cousins. Generally in all families outing are 'lead' by the oldest child and the younger ones fit in. As they grow older you can see how it benefits the younger children, they are much better at fitting in and negotiating with people!

You say your DD has a good relationship with your parents. Do you have brothers or sisters? Imagine if they had children and your daughter was told she couldn't visit your parents at certain times because her cousins wanted one on one time with your parents. Would you think this was fine?

gamerwidow · 13/11/2018 20:36

I think it’s hard now because she’s a toddler but in a few years time she’ll be really grateful for this time with her cousins especially if she’s an only. We go and see my PIL every half term and my DDs cousins are always there. There’s a five year age gap in each direction between her and the other GCs (she’s in the middle) but she absolutely adores them and can’t wait to spend time with them.

Mickeysminnie2 · 13/11/2018 22:01

For those saying that it is good for the OP's child to socialise etc. No one is suggesting that they never meet up together. Just that like the other gc the OP's child should have some 1-2-1 time with their grandparents.
I think you are way too passive in this situation. Rather than stewing on it, say something gently now and get it sorted. Who knows they may be delighted with the chance to visit without the other gc.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/11/2018 22:04

it was definitely a part of why we split - I wasn't going to allow one child to be scapegoated.

I wish my prentshad taken this attitude. I was the 'unwanted" grandchild. - I was the oldest, and my paternal GM told me that she'd wished I'd died in the womb because then my DF could have dumped my DM (who wasn't nearly good enough for her precious son).
My nest sister was the spit of Evil GM - so she was adored. Then my brother - the Boy! And then my youngest sister - the Baby!

I was yadeto feel like crap all my life, and for all my mother complained about it (to me) she never did or said anything.

Am I bitter? You bet!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/11/2018 22:08

Whoops! Thousands of typos - sorry.

GreenTulips · 13/11/2018 22:18

I'm wondering if PIL see your visit as 'help' to look after their GC?

Two extra hands?

Why isn't BIL and SIL not pulled up in their lack of 'family tiem' or them being a proper aunt or uncle??

SIL did this all the time GP were the same - she'd drop her children off advice soon as possible and go to the hair dressers and GP ran around after her kids whilst mine were ignored - we saw them 2/3 times a year.

Their loss in the end

Thatoneoverthere · 14/11/2018 12:32

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable at all but you keep calling these children their grandchildren and her cousin, they're your nephews maybe you/your DH do something with them so grandparents can have 1-1 time with your little one? You don't need 4 adults crammed around a toddler watching every move. Even if its just taking nephews off to the local park so they can quiet time at home.

caperplips · 14/11/2018 12:48

We have similar here, although our dc is older now (young teen)
We live 2.5hrs from MIL (due to work) and Dh's siblings all live in the same town as MIL and are significantly older than our dc. SIL used to orchestrate it that she & her kids were ALWAYS in MIL's house when we visited. She is a controlling, jealous type anyway and I reckon she just didn't want dh and dc to have unmonitered / unsupervised time with his own mother!

She always tried to put it in the context of 'family' bonding but in reality she was hogging MIL's attention - MIL did afterschool & weekend care for SIL so saw the kids every day but as soon as our dc would attempt to show / tell MIL anything SIL would pipe up to her kids 'Oh show Nana how you can do XXX or YYY' and our dc would just fall silent. Used to make my blood boil.

I thought I was being mean spirited so never said anything but DH brought it up with me so I knew I wasn't imagining it.

I could count on one hand the amount of times I have spent time with MIL without Dh;s adult siblings and nieces and nephews being there and we are together 19 years!

WithTwoGiantBoys · 14/11/2018 17:31

My in laws do this, live at the other end of the country near BIL. Whenever they came to visit us they turned up with bil and his kids. When we went there he was already there. Ds1 was 3 when his cousin was born and 8 years later I think they have only seen them alone once or twice. MIL is cold and distant. It used to upset me but now I figure it is her loss that she doesn't have that relationship with her two oldest GC.

jessebuni · 14/11/2018 17:40

I think when just general visits to theirs or yours it should be a case of open doors for all family situation but for specific days out I do think you should be able to say DC would really like the actual one on one time with GPS on this occasion.

chocatoo · 14/11/2018 17:49

I think you have to spell it out to them that they are missing out on getting to know littlest grandchild and ask them how they think it would work best where they could spend some one to one time with her. Let them come up with some suggestions.

Talith · 14/11/2018 18:05

It's OK to ask if you can have their company to yourself now and then. Like you say your LO is little and gets overwhelmed and so a bit of a quieter day isn't a big ask.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 14/11/2018 18:10

Then DH or you use a couple of days holiday to visit mid week when the rest are at school.

Momasita · 14/11/2018 18:13

Op not read the thread but it's not essential your dc does all these things alone with gp.

I would simply say that's a shame they can't make the grottos and go and do it on your own without them.

You can't force the other side to pay more and in this situation where you your dc already gets left out you can't lower thier experiences all the time to fit in.

So don't make them fit and simply go and have lovely time.

Hector2000 · 14/11/2018 18:19

Do you have parents of your own who are actively involved in your toddler’s life? Because if so, I’d leave it to your husband to sort out the PIL - or not, as the case may be. It sounds a lot of hard work for little reward, especially if your child doesn’t really enjoy it.