To ask PIL not to bring other GC on days out

[Petitprince]

We have an ongoing situation with my lovely PILs and aren't sure how to sort it out.

For background, they live near SIL and BIL and do a lot of childcare for them, which is great and we have no problem with. They are understandably very close to these GC. Also, because BIL and SIL have quite a few children, PIL buy a lot for them. Again, no problem, they can spend their money how they like, but is relevant later.

We live at a distance and just have one toddler, quite a bit younger than the other littlest GC, a lot younger than the rest.

When we go to see PIL, the other grandchildren come round pretty much all the time, ask to stay to dinner and stay over if we are staying over etc. This is under the guise of spending time with their cousin, but means that our DC barely gets any quality time with their grandparents.

After a year of these visits we asked if they'd come to see us instead, or go on days out, but they keep bringing the other GC because they say they don't get to do nice things otherwise (admittedly, BIL will just sit on the computer all day and doesn't really take them out because he says there are too many to cope with).

Our DC clams up and clings to us when the other GC are there as they are much bigger and more boisterous, so doesn't get to see much of PIL.

Also, PIL complain if we want to go to places with a mid to higher entrance fee as they then have to pay for the other GC (no chance of BIL and SIL paying or coming along).

This Christmas we'd like to go to some grottos and Christmas things, and they say they'd like to come, but when they see the price per child they ask if we can do something else.

We want it just to be them and our child. AWBU?

Sorry I missed that it was about days out. But same thing applies I suppose.

OP has you DH said any of this to his parents? Maybe they just don't get the 'hints'. The second and last paragraph of of your update is not unreasonable. 'We know yiubhave done this before, but we haven't and we would really love you to be there when DD sees it for for first time'. I know you said the grotto is free for adults, why not book an afternoon tea for afterwards. Say its a treat. Get your DH to ring up his brother and say Mum and Dad are booked on Saturday XXXXX so you will have to make other arrangements. Out of interest, exactly how many kids do they have that they have to be babysat in instalments? t

@Petitprince I feel you!

We live 200+ miles away. Grandparents see grandchildren who live round the corner 4 times a week as childcare, and most weekends.

My little ones get no 121 time with their grandparents either. It's frustrating.

I'd be very careful with this . You might end up with them not coming over at all, and you'd have shot yourself in the foot.

I'm all for children growing up with their cousins - there is a nice bond there . Your DC might be just a toddler - and a bit overwhelmed by these children now - but that won't always be the case. When she gets older she may love being around them.

I don’t think that you are being unreasonable for wanting your IL’s there for your child’s experiences but I think that you may have to accept their situation and preferences and be prepared to go to the grotto alone as a family of 3 instead.

FWIW we were in a very similar situation. Everytime we did anything with GP’s they bought along my nephew (DH’s side). Each visit consisted of GP’s gushing about and over DN and it started to be noticed by my own children. In the end we asked if it was possible for them to visit on occasion without DN. I though it was a reasonable request but they did not and things deteriorated very quickly with both MIL and SIL. The one time they did visit on their own, SIL phoned upset telling them that DN was besides himself which saw MIL leave pretty quickly to see him. We have had no contact with any of them for 18 months.

My In-laws docuild care for the other dgc. Even when not doing active childcare the other dgc is still always there. My eldest is voting with his feet and not wanting to be there and actively leaves when he stops dgc.

Well you could start pointing out how your dd doesn't enjoy being part of the group all the time. Not nastily, but 'ah shame, she's not old enough to join in with xyzzy / too small to get on blah'. Set the scene.

Then say oooh we've booked tickets for santa, we'd so love it if you came.

They say oh too expensive, others won't want to.

You say, of course. Yes. Pause. OTOH they probably wouldn't want to anyway, so why don't we make it just us for a change?

Maybe you need to change your mindset and instead of seeing the other GC as competition , maybe see it as your DC getting closer to her family of all ages.
Otherwise ask your husband to speak to the PIL and tell them what the situation is and how you would prefer if your DC had some one on one time.

We have this. Has gotten to the point where we don't bother - you will never win, especially when the GP feel they are needed more by the other GC.

My DC now ignore GP - which is sad as their other GP are dead - but they can't cope with the noise of the others and the feeling of being visitors, while the other GC who stay every day with GP and also overnights twice a week - feel like it is their home.

You are not BU and to the people who think you are, they have never been in the situation of having their nieces and nephews foisted on them at every family visit with GP while SIL and BIL do their own thing.

BTW the GPs have now realised what they have lost and missed but as my DC are teens and preteens its a bit too little too late.

Petitprince you are not being unreasonable but I think the problem lies with the grandparents. Its really important for parents to be fair to all their children and your inlaws are not being fair with their son and his child.
Its their loss.
Does your child get to see your parents?

It will gradually change when all the granchildren get older. Don't fret about it as it is now, it's nice that your in laws love their grandchildren and they are probably totally unaware of doing anything wrong - which they're not really. They'd be gutted if they thought it upset. At the same time it is good that your little one sees cousins so regularly.

'We know yiubhave done this before, but we haven't and we would really love you to be there when DD sees it for for first time'.

This is exactly what I was going to post. Adults don't go to see the grotto - they go to see the child's reactions to the wonder of it all.

I can't see why they wouldn't want to be part of that.

YANBU - especially as you have a young, quiet girl to whom all this is new and exciting, and the others are rowdy, older boys who have seen it all before - they can't possibly want the same experiences.

It will gradually change when all the granchildren get older

Yes - OP's child will realise the inequity in the situation and be hurt by it.

Rather mixed. You say only weekends are an option as the gps work , but they still see the other gcs every day? They work during the week so it's weekends only really.
The grottos etc , absolutely YANBU. I’d just say this is what we are doing with our dc, welcome to come. No negotiating there, you are allowed to have treats with your child. For the rest it doesn’t sound so much like grandparents favouring the others as it does like the ageing grandparents exhausting themselves trying to compensate for what sounds like mild neglect. Perhaps your dh could gently sound them out on this? It would be very difficult to push you should spend one on one time with our adored child if they feel your child is loved and cared for but their other gc arent. However, I don’t quite understand the bit where the toddler feels pushed out. Sometimes yes but surely sometimes they love the bustle and action? We just went on a family holiday, we all live in different countries so my dc don’t know their cousins who are older and my dc (3 & a baby) loved having the 15, 12 and 10 yr old around.

I'd be honest. You love seeing all the GC together- but would also like some 1-1 time, like the other GC get through closer proximity. There are certain things sometimes you'd like to juts do with the , and would be happy to work out a mix of things that also include the other GC at least half the time.

Why does your husband not just invite them and only them. "we love seeing the other gc but just not every time."
If they refuse to come without the other gc then I would just tell them that you would see them another time and concentrate on your child's relationship with your parents.

I'm all for talking to them, but my husband thinks dropping hints is better. It isn't, but he doesn't want to have the chat or for me to, and we both take the lead on our own families. Sigh.

I realise this is petty, but it irks me when PIL post all the proud grandparent memes on facebook and every time we mention our DC has achieved something, they have to remind us that their other grandchildren can also do something better (e.g. our dc can count to 10, other dc can count to 100, but they are much older!).

I know, IABU. But we waited so long to be parents every tiny moment is a bit of a miracle for us!

That sounds familiar petit. Every time I say anything about my dc, PIL counter it with something other dgc can do. Which makes me feel like a dick because other dgc are wonderful people, but just once I wish they'd allow some praise about my dc to settle before jumping in with a counter attack of achievements.

If my dc can do something other dgc can't, then it is Never To Be Spoken Of Again.

Where is DP in all this?? He needs to grow a pair and tell them upfront, if they still won't listen then you have to accept the biased favouritism.

You have a DP problem he needs to step up and speak out.

My now-ex in laws did this, but with my own kids. Made a difference with one, and a fuss of the other, and a difference with that one and other cousins and so on.

He's now an adult and the grandchild that they'd love to be able to bum and blow about - "my grandson the X". And he never sees them.

My ex husband told me I had to accept it and it was definitely a part of why we split - I wasn't going to allow one child to be scapegoated.

"We'd like it to just be yourselves that come this time. No problem if not. Maybe next year". And leave it at that.

I can see the point in this. I think YANBU with wanting at least a visit at Xmas with PIL and no other DGC

I have 2 DC who are mid to late teens and my Dsis has 2 toddlers. My DC have a grandmother on my side and one on their dads. My Dsis children have only one DGM which is my mother (No one has any decent Grandads as they are both awol)
So in our family there is a limited pool of GP’s and we end up doing family activities in a group, usually not aimed at my DC but who love being with their cousins but can get bored.

I live nearest to DM.
My DM has never voluntarily taken my DC or asked for them she just wants to tag onto what you may already be doing, therefore she is an one extra person on a trip and often is then just all over the smallest child so the other DC are not getting any quality attention. My DC can’t be bothered with her much anymore as this has worn so thin.

I also feel like I can’t bond with my Dsis children as well in this group setting. I don’t mind it sometimes being all together but it’s not conducive to deep meaningful relationships to be always in a group of 7+ people

I think I would gently explain that your dc is very shy and feels overwhelmed by the boisterous older gc. Would it be possible that for one visit a month they came to see you without the other grandchildren as they see them every other day and you would like to do a toddler activity and you think the older children would be bored. I would also offer to go to visit them once a month at their house where other gc could see their cousin. If they refused I think I would stop inviting them and see less of them and let them. At least they are not asking you to look after other gc when out and about.

I don't think yabu. Pressed too soon.