Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has just walked out for a few days to clear his head...was I BU

230 replies

astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 19:38

So long story short tonight my husband and I decided to take the kids out for a bit of dinner, nowhere fancy just local Wetherspoons type place. Anyway, 11-year-old DS went in a bit of a huff cause he was told he had to pick of child's menu. He eventually chose but still had a sad face on so hubby spat the dummy and says we are now leaving because of DS mood. Cue long silent drive home as hubby is now in a mood.

We get home and he then tells me that DS has spoilt the night and as such he will not be coming to his upcoming birthday meal, I say this is being silly we area family and we are all going. He says under no circumstance is DS going to a family meal. So now there is an atmosphere.

Eventually, I decided that the silence is killing me and I'm not putting up with it only to be told that this is all because I am too soft on DS (he was told off by me for his antics. DS apologised and was told that it wasn't good enough, that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again. When I say this is out of order, that he has apologised. OH storms off, saying he has had enough and has now gone upstairs packed an overnight bag and said he will be back in a few days.

Is DS a pain in the backside right now? Yes, eveything is a bloody chore. Is he not cheeky, never gets in trouble at school and everyone tells us how well behaved he is.

So am I being unreasonable for think OH is being an arse or is he in the right for blowing his top.

Help

OP posts:
PaulMorel · 13/11/2018 05:36

If I am in his position I wouldn't leave my child. We are once a kid we can and we will continue to understand them.

Alilwolf · 13/11/2018 06:04

Your DH is a dickhead. Your son is 11. He's still just a kid! He might have the appetite of an adult but he doesn't need to be shouted at. It's obvious your son isn't your husband's. Your husband needs to be told to stay gone.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/11/2018 06:51

Can we ignore whether the OP DS ordering from the children's menu OP has already explained that her DS doesn't a lot of dinner, so he orders dinner from the children and if he eats it he gets to choose a pudding of the main menu.

Not all 11 year old's have a appetite for an adult menu. OP obvious does what works for them.

newplacenofriends · 13/11/2018 07:16

I appreciate he doesn't have the appetite for an adults meal and the child meal and ice cream sounds like a good compromise to a logical adult. Children aren't always logical though. It could be that he is embarassed to have child poritions, I imagine if other people at school found out he eats child portions there might have been a bit of teasing going on.

Ignoring all that though, your husband was the one whos behaviour was unacceptable.

Sommelierrrr · 13/11/2018 07:25

I know this point has been made. But why on earth wouldn't you let your son choose from the adult menu?

Miscible · 13/11/2018 07:27

And the point has been answered, Sommelierrr. Try reading the OP's posts.

Battytwatty · 13/11/2018 07:28

RTFT. This has been explained

Battytwatty · 13/11/2018 07:29

In fact, the post above yours answers your question

amyboo · 13/11/2018 07:42

FWIW, my 8 year old no longer eats off the kids' menu, as he can pretty much eat the same as me on a good day... But your DH also sounds like a twat.

LizzieSiddal · 13/11/2018 07:43

I’ve recently had therapy, and many of my issues are caused by walking on eggshells around my dad and feeling toltally silenced by him. I was too frightened to put a foot wrong, for fear of me being held responsible for his moods.

OP, you need to step up here and protect your son. Your H is a moody bully and should be giving him an ultimatum, he either gets help to change his behaviour or he fucks off. You cannot allow your son to be treated like this.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/11/2018 09:01

I read this yesterday, and have come back to it today as I am bothered by it.

Who had the idea to go out for a meal? Any chance DH never really wanted to go? Because it really reminds me of the manipulative behaviour of someone I know.

What is the general relationship between DS and DH?

To be honest, I think it is very wrong that DS was in trouble for the expression on his face. In effect, you are both telling him that his feelings aren't valid. That's not to say he should have got his way about which menu he had his lasagne from - that's not my place to say - but if he was feeling sad about it, he should be allowed to feel sad without such a dramatic reaction from either of his parents.

From your OP, it seems you never even ate - is that the case? So what happened to dinner?

The worst part for me is telling your son that "he would not be going anywhere with the family again" - and then to read further down that he is not biologically related to DH. Can't DH see how damaging such a declaration is?

I hope that you and DH have had a long talk and found a way forward. I suspect not - I suspect that after he came back from his flounce it was back to normal for everyone. I have met his type before. It won't end well.

ImpendingDisaster · 13/11/2018 09:06

OMG. I'd tell him not to come back. I'm so sorry.

Your son, unfortunately, is not going to stop behaving unreasonably, in fact he's only just getting started (I have a 12 and 16 year old). Children deserve to know that no matter what they do, parents don't leave.

Good luck, OP.

Bekabeech · 13/11/2018 09:08

If you want to stay with your OH, then I strongly suggest that somehow you find the funds (or see if a Charity can help) and get some Family Therapy.
The way he is acting towards your son is exactly the way to enhance the chances of your son going off the rails. Therapy can enable each of you to express your feelings in a safe way, and to make OH act like an adult.

namechanged77 · 13/11/2018 09:46

How are things today @astorminabcup ? Hope you've found the support on here helpful. I suspect (based on my own experience admittedly) that this won't have been the only occasion your DH has behaved like this. Agree with the teacher who posted saying it is emotionally controlling behaviour. Sending a handhold to you and your DS.

diddl · 13/11/2018 09:51

It's possible that your OH may have been right about your son's behaviour-but your OH will never be right in the way that he dealt with it.

Is your son ever listened to or just told what he must do?

user1511042793 · 13/11/2018 09:58

My son doesn’t want to eat of the kids menu because it’s embarrassing as they are really aimed at 8 years and under. He also is picky but there has to be a transition. I can appreciate the frustration on your son going back on what was agreed. But he didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Food for thought regarding your husbands anger issues. Have you thought what your next steps are?

FishCanFly · 13/11/2018 10:08

is there an OW?

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 10:11

I really don't understand why folks jump to he is cheating if he abuses and rejects the ops son.

I fail to see how this indicates he is having an affair.

ImpendingDisaster · 13/11/2018 10:16

Poor kiddo. He now has to deal with the fact that he's caused a rift in your marriage. Way, way, way too heavy for an 11 year old.

How long have you and your husband been together?

FishCanFly · 13/11/2018 10:16

I really don't understand why folks jump to he is cheating if he abuses and rejects the ops son.
an excuse for an "overnight away" Hmm

dogwoofbark · 13/11/2018 10:19

He a power hungry, spiteful bully.

Please protect your son and get him out now.

Blondebakingmumma · 13/11/2018 10:40

It’s a shame your bully of a ‘d’ H returned.

Tell him he either has an attitude adjustment or leaves for good

Give your son extra cuddles to ight

puzzledlady · 13/11/2018 10:48

Why did you let him back?? Appalling way to treat your son.

GinIsIn · 13/11/2018 10:50

What are you going to do to ensure your son isn’t treated like this again?

diddl · 13/11/2018 11:40

"Why did you let him back?? "

How can she not-it's his house as well!