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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband has just walked out for a few days to clear his head...was I BU

230 replies

astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 19:38

So long story short tonight my husband and I decided to take the kids out for a bit of dinner, nowhere fancy just local Wetherspoons type place. Anyway, 11-year-old DS went in a bit of a huff cause he was told he had to pick of child's menu. He eventually chose but still had a sad face on so hubby spat the dummy and says we are now leaving because of DS mood. Cue long silent drive home as hubby is now in a mood.

We get home and he then tells me that DS has spoilt the night and as such he will not be coming to his upcoming birthday meal, I say this is being silly we area family and we are all going. He says under no circumstance is DS going to a family meal. So now there is an atmosphere.

Eventually, I decided that the silence is killing me and I'm not putting up with it only to be told that this is all because I am too soft on DS (he was told off by me for his antics. DS apologised and was told that it wasn't good enough, that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again. When I say this is out of order, that he has apologised. OH storms off, saying he has had enough and has now gone upstairs packed an overnight bag and said he will be back in a few days.

Is DS a pain in the backside right now? Yes, eveything is a bloody chore. Is he not cheeky, never gets in trouble at school and everyone tells us how well behaved he is.

So am I being unreasonable for think OH is being an arse or is he in the right for blowing his top.

Help

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2018 21:24

Yes, definitely tell your H that unless his behaviour and attitude improve, you will throw him out. And spend some time getting all the relevant information about housing, finances etc in order. Because it's important to have a zero-tolerance mindset with this sort of behaviour - your H needs to understand that he is not the most important person in the household, and that if he can't behave himself, he will have to leave.
A friend of mine is having a bad time getting rid of her H, who has been verbally and physically abusive to their DC (the older one is not his). She thought for months that it could be smoothed over, that the prick had 'depression', but things got worse and worse. They have managed to sell the house so she can get herself and DC away from him, but it has taken a long time.

glitterfarts · 12/11/2018 21:25

Your DH is abusive to his step son.

This is awful behaviour. My SIL's husband behaved similarly to his step son, that boy is now left home, Low contact and with mental health issues, massive self esteem issues, self harms and has a drug problem.

This is totally down to the mean and nasty behaviour dished out by BIL in my opinion.

Put your children first and get rid of the DH. What a dick!

MissDolly007 · 12/11/2018 21:27

Wow - sound like an excuse to leave for a few days. No way would that cause such an argument. Your poor son - of course he wants to eat the adult menu, who doesn’t at that age. I hate to say it - your oh is up to something I’m sure xxx

DistanceCall · 12/11/2018 21:27

(a) Why did your son have to choose off the children's menu? Why couldn't he pick someting from the normal menu?

(b) Your husband is an abusive arsehole.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 12/11/2018 21:27

Asking your DS to pick from the children's menu was unreasonable, even if he was going to leave most of it. He probably found that embarrassing at his age.

It would have been better to say beforehand that if he didn't think he could manage a whole portion he COULD order a child size portion if he wanted. He might well have chosen to do so.

But even if he wasn't able to finish his meal, I wouldn't have made a thing of it because eating out isn't really about finishing your plate but having the experience of a meal together as a treat.

Your DH was at fault here.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2018 21:28

Op, can't you imagine how low and worthless your son feels right now? Your husband is horribly abusing your child and you are allowing it.

Mum2jenny · 12/11/2018 21:29

My dd ate off the adult menu from very small as she didn't like anything on the kids menu, but we tended to order a starter for her as the main and fed her from our starters iyswim

FrankieChips · 12/11/2018 21:33

How are you doing @astorminabcup ? What a horrible thing to go through. Is he stressed at work? My partner flys off the handle like this when he’s stressed (although we don’t have kids). Hope you’re ok.

Eatmycheese · 12/11/2018 21:34

@astorminabcup your husband sounds nuts.

I think he's manipulating this to suit his own ends and I would be a bit suspicious as to him packing his bags and going away to clear his head, that doesn't add up.
I hope I'm wrong and that he isn't up to no good but I think he is. He sounds like such a knob though perhaps him being up to no good and you kicking his sorry arse to the kerb isn't a bad thing.

That's no way to behave towards a child.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2018 21:34

You needed support to deal with your son not a tantrum from an adult

No she doesn't. That's not a tough day in the family ffs. Most eleven year old lads would get a face on if told they had to order from the kids menu at a family meal then instructed they needed to eat it all to get a pudding.

Seriously, what kind of fun meal out is that. As a pp said, going out for dinner isn't about finishing every thing on your plate its About being together as a family.

Jux · 12/11/2018 21:34

Your oh needs to grow the fuck up or ds will be behaving just like he does; the oh can point at ds and proudly say " all my own work right there".

JudasPrudy · 12/11/2018 21:36

He sounds like a total fucker.

JustJoinedRightNow · 12/11/2018 21:36

Notthemessiah - I’m personally not using any experience to cloud my comments re my suspicions that the OH could be having an affair. That is simply what stood out to me as a possible reason for flying off the handle and leaving over such a non event.

OP herself already said she can’t see the woods for the trees as it were and asked for opinions.

Hope you’re doing OK OP.

DoJo · 12/11/2018 21:37

My 6 year old has to be reminded that when someone upsets him and then apologises, the very least he can do is say 'Thanks for apologising' even if he isn't ready to kiss and make up.

By the time he is an adult, I would expect him to be mortified if an 11 year old makes the first move to apologise over a silly row (instigated by him), apologise in turn and spend some time with your son to show him that everything is ok. Instead, he's thrown out wild threats (your son is really never going to be allowed to eat with you again?!) and stormed off again. He is an immature, foolish twat.

ElectricMonkey · 12/11/2018 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dorisdog · 12/11/2018 21:43

Your OH swore at your child an called him names! That's abuse. And you say he flies off the handle with your younger daughter, too?

I think that's terrible. I would be making plans to be separated. (Well I hope I would - I realise when you're in these situations it might not feel so simple.)

Stompythedinosaur · 12/11/2018 21:48

He sounds awful (your husband, not your son).

I don't think I'd want him back. He must be damaging your ds' self esteem.

ShawshanksRedemption · 12/11/2018 21:51

@astorminabcup

Parents have to model the the behaviour they want their children to follow. If this is how your DH behaves then you can expect to see it in your children. A one-off because your DH is tired or whatever would be one thing, but it sounds like he does this reaction regularly enough if he does this to both kids.

I'm wondering if your DH has siblings and what he was like with them because it sounds like he hasn't progressed in learning how to deal with huffy teenage behaviour as an adult.

OwlBeThere · 12/11/2018 21:51

I would have made my DS aged 11 eat off the kids menu too, because i know him and that he wouldn't eat an adults meal, most of it would go to waste. lets give the OP and this kids dad a break on that score, they know their own child. not all kids at 11 would eat an adult meal.
DH was an arse, but not for that reason.

OwlBeThere · 12/11/2018 21:55

@bluntness100, not everyone can afford to waste the money on an adult meal for a kid who isn't going to eat it. seriously, you're obsessing over something which is not a big thing. the issue ehre is her DH over reacting.
he was a dick, OP, but is this in character for him, thats what you have to think about it. if its not, then maybe something is going on with him, if it is...then i think you need to have a talk when hes calm about his behaviour.

ButchyRestingFace · 12/11/2018 22:01

The fact that you even need to ask whether you are being "unreasonable" for thinking your abusive husband is an "arse" suggests that you have been exposed to such behaviour for so long you no longer know what's normal or acceptable.

Your poor kid. I bet his 16th birthday can't come quick enough for him.

Marcipex · 12/11/2018 22:12

Sorry but I guessed from the start that he isn't your DS father.
He's a bully isn't he. He resents DS and can't hide it .
The row was engineered as an excuse to leave the home. That's really obvious.
I also think he arrived at wherever it was and was turned away. I suspect a girlfriend didn't want him after all.

cakedup · 12/11/2018 22:14

Awww I really feel for your DS. Gosh I've lost count the amount of times my DS has sat their in a strop in the restaurant. It is annoying but I just ignore it and it's all forgotten about in minutes. Your DS should feel free to express his feelings (I know sulking isn't the best way, but he's a child and still learning) without it causing a parent to lose control. I mean no-one's perfect but really your DS didn't do anything. And he's usually so well behaved which makes it even sadder.

Anyway it's good your dh has apologised but he needs to make sure this doesn't happen again.

BifsWif · 12/11/2018 22:15

Your poor son.

RomanyRoots · 12/11/2018 22:21

Poor Lad Sad he needs protecting from this vile man.

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