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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has just walked out for a few days to clear his head...was I BU

230 replies

astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 19:38

So long story short tonight my husband and I decided to take the kids out for a bit of dinner, nowhere fancy just local Wetherspoons type place. Anyway, 11-year-old DS went in a bit of a huff cause he was told he had to pick of child's menu. He eventually chose but still had a sad face on so hubby spat the dummy and says we are now leaving because of DS mood. Cue long silent drive home as hubby is now in a mood.

We get home and he then tells me that DS has spoilt the night and as such he will not be coming to his upcoming birthday meal, I say this is being silly we area family and we are all going. He says under no circumstance is DS going to a family meal. So now there is an atmosphere.

Eventually, I decided that the silence is killing me and I'm not putting up with it only to be told that this is all because I am too soft on DS (he was told off by me for his antics. DS apologised and was told that it wasn't good enough, that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again. When I say this is out of order, that he has apologised. OH storms off, saying he has had enough and has now gone upstairs packed an overnight bag and said he will be back in a few days.

Is DS a pain in the backside right now? Yes, eveything is a bloody chore. Is he not cheeky, never gets in trouble at school and everyone tells us how well behaved he is.

So am I being unreasonable for think OH is being an arse or is he in the right for blowing his top.

Help

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 12/11/2018 22:24

So what are you going to do now OP? Its pretty unanimous that this is not ok, so what do you want to happen?

thighofrelief · 12/11/2018 22:25

Who has the luxury of stropping off every time a kid sighs or pulls a face? Ridiculous, if that were me no one would have seen me since 1991 and my bag would be threadbare by now.

BlackeyedGruesome · 12/11/2018 22:26

ds is 10 and refused the children's menu yesterday. my purse sulked. my bank account wept, but hey ho, they grow. that time had to come.

your son was disappointed. he handled his disappointment fairly well, (not wailing, or stropping off or shouting, or crying) kid is not a robot and has feelings.

Serin · 12/11/2018 22:36

He is making sure that your DS knows his place by making him order a child's meal. He is asserting his authority and making sure you all know who is boss.
If the stupid git can't cope with DS growing into a man who might challenge his masculinity then there really is no hope for him.
I think he'd no better than a chimp.

namechanged77 · 12/11/2018 22:39

@astorminabcup I don't know if this helps or not, but I have had exactly the same kind of behaviour from my DH towards DD - also 11. Only difference is that he always doubled down and protested he's right, not packing his bags. I know how tricky it can be to judge when a DC is misbehaving but OH also has a tantrum - there have been many times where I've thought her behaviour wasn't perfect but his reaction was over the top. Things have improved but I'm still wary.

It's exactly as you said - we are prepared for tweens to behave that way but not grown men. Trust your instincts. You were right. You need him to be a grown up in those kinds of situations, not be another child for you to manage!!

Letsmoveondude · 12/11/2018 22:45

Yeah TBH it’s a massive over reaction, 10&11 year olds are a bloody nightmare, what’s with being unimpressed at everything?
But still. If DH is willing to have ruined the evening for the sake of £5-10 and let all this vitriol out at your son. He sounds like he needs to leave.

Longdistance · 12/11/2018 22:50

Your dh is a coward. It gets tough for him, so he walks out just because he can’t parent, and then leaves it up to you.

Btw, my dds are 7 and 9, and they eat off the whetherspoons adult menu as the kids menu isn’t a large enough portion.

Bumbelinadance · 12/11/2018 22:56

I am so sorry you had this happen op
But I am really , really , sorry for your poor son
If this is isolated and he apologises to DS then possibly it can be “ shit happens , let’s move on “ . But if it isn’t the first time he needs his backside kicked

Tweens can be a right pain
Bf and I have 3 between us
But if he ever treated my Ds like this I would be very angry
And I would never treat his kids that way

So what if he wants the adult menu , it’s not a massive price difference
My Ds 12 eats for England , more than me . Proper “ hollow legs “
He would be really hungry with a kids portion ( designed for like a 6 year old ) and I think he would feel humiliated

Hug for your son

Maelstrop · 12/11/2018 23:01

11year old boys are bottomless pits for food. Who told him he had to have the kids' menu? Way to make him feel like a baby!

ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2018 23:02

Also you say your DS accepted, albeit reluctantly, that he should choose from the kids' menu, but your H still ruined the evening for everyone. Your H was determined to be a prick, wasn't he? I get the strong impression from your posts that he is a bully and an abuser and you are close to having had enough. There is plenty of support and advice both on MN and elsewhere to help you get rid of him before he does your poor son any more harm.

LilMy33 · 12/11/2018 23:11

your poor son. Even with plenty of reassurance that none of this was his fault (it really wasn’t) he’s going to very possibly remember this incident as the time he didn’t want to order from the kids menu and dad left home over it. My daughter is the same age and would blame herself anyway.

He had no intention of staying elsewhere for a few days btw this was a power play to scare you, your kids and generally show you all who’s boss. Dick move from a dickhead. And he didn’t come back with his tail between his legs- that would imply he was sorry/grudgingly admitting fault. He still thinks he’s right.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/11/2018 23:23

OP i cannot stress enough how horrible this is. As a teacher I might consider making a safeguarding referral for emotional abuse if a child told me about something like this. The way he has spoken to your son and acted towards him is absolutely despicable.

What are you going to do about it?

Petitepamplemousse · 12/11/2018 23:26

He’s not even your DS’s father and it really doesn’t sound like you have stuck up much for your son.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/11/2018 23:29

Your husband, a 44 year old supposed adult, got a bag on with an 11 year old behaving like an 11 year old, tantrummed and left with an overnight bag for a few days? I did read the post that he returned 30 minutes later BUT - I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye, and none of it good.

My first thought was - this man has been looking for an excuse and he's taking the first available one (despite it being the most tenuous of excuses). OP, please, DO NOT allow your husband to sweep this under the rug - what he did is pretty fucked up. Packing a bag is well beyond 'flying off the handle' and I would frankly be telling him not to unpack it until I'd got to the bottom of what was behind his behaviour. It was definitely more than just your son pouting a bit.

"DS is not OH's, he is from a previous relationship but has never know his real dad and has always been close with OH. DD is his but he can be reactive with her too, flying off the handle for silly things."
That he is not DS's bio-dad could be important. This could shake your DS, lead him to believe that your husband's dummy-spitting is his fault. Even though he's shit with his daughter too, kids take things to heart in a way adults might not appreciate.

Your husband is way out of line.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/11/2018 00:00

Poor kid Sad

SushiMonster · 13/11/2018 00:02

The 11 year old will be starving after a kids meal!

But yeah, your DH is being a twat.

Rachelover40 · 13/11/2018 00:07

Childrens' menus are for little children, not eleven year olds. I remember buying that for mine aged 2-4, after that it was grown ups stuff even if they did leave a bit.

Your husband is quite unreasonable and, may I say, out of touch.

Endofthelinefinally · 13/11/2018 00:26

Your husband is immature and unreasonable. Parenting classes would be a very good idea in order to prevent him damaging your children.
My father did enormous damage to all of us so I speak from experience.
It is totally unreasonable to make an 11 year old choose from the children's menu.
So what if he can't eat it all? You ask for a doggy bag and take the leftovers home.
Honestly! How pathetic to cause such a drama over nothing.

StoppinBy · 13/11/2018 00:32

All the people crying over a child ordering off a kids menu, come on, the 11 year old actually ordered something off the adult menu in a smaller size. Who cares, OP knows how much her child eats and thought that was reasonable.

My 18 month old often eats just as much and sometimes more than my almost 6 year old, so what, some kids eat more, some less.

Your hubby's reaction was over the top though if your son just threw a little tantie. It also sounds to me like their is more to the story.

evenbetter · 13/11/2018 00:34

Time to put your kid before this piece of shit before he further damages him. A child never forgives a parent putting their abusive boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse before their safety and well-being, trust me.

mathanxiety · 13/11/2018 02:48

There is no way more guaranteed to make a teenage boy go off the rails than the treatment your DS got tonight from your H.

One day a couple of years from now when your DS has grown a bit and your H decides to indulge in a bit of aggressive willy waving, your DS will tell him what to do with himself and that he is not his dad anyway. Then he will shoulder him out of the way as he walks out the door.

Your H embarrassed the whole family tonight, walking out of the restaurant. He put you in a terrible position, having to get up and leave with him or risk making what was already quite a scene into a public family fight. He put you in the position of having to appear to agree with him about your DS's behaviour too.

The worst though, is that he put your DS in a powerless position and he put you there too. Being made so powerless himself by H will cause DS great anger towards H as he grows up, and bitter resentment, but it will also cause anger towards you for your powerlessness, along with rage toward him for what he did to you.

Everyone was humiliated tonight by this sorry excuse for a man, and H needs to make a 180 degree turn in his behaviour if this family is going to be salvaged.

Tell him to grovel to you in apology for humiliating you, and to do the same for DS.

If you let this man continue to play these power games with your DS you will lose your son.

mathanxiety · 13/11/2018 02:49

A child never forgives a parent putting their abusive boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse before their safety and well-being, trust me.

THIS^^

RoboticMary · 13/11/2018 03:03

Your DH is despicable. Your poor, poor DS Sad

pinkstripeycat · 13/11/2018 03:09

Fuzzywizzy - feel sorry for any child of yours. How can an 11 yr old wanting an adult portion of food be called bratty. He’s 11 fgs. Kids have little moments. OPs child apologised, issue resolved. The father is acting like a child by having a strop and storming off. It sounds as though he has more going on that being annoyed with his child and he is taking out on his DS. If he can’t handle a little issue with an 11 year old wait until the kiddie reaches teenage years. Feel sorry for you OP. Your DH needs shaking and needs to grow up and start acting like a parent

wizzler · 13/11/2018 04:46

Your poor DS.