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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband has just walked out for a few days to clear his head...was I BU

230 replies

astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 19:38

So long story short tonight my husband and I decided to take the kids out for a bit of dinner, nowhere fancy just local Wetherspoons type place. Anyway, 11-year-old DS went in a bit of a huff cause he was told he had to pick of child's menu. He eventually chose but still had a sad face on so hubby spat the dummy and says we are now leaving because of DS mood. Cue long silent drive home as hubby is now in a mood.

We get home and he then tells me that DS has spoilt the night and as such he will not be coming to his upcoming birthday meal, I say this is being silly we area family and we are all going. He says under no circumstance is DS going to a family meal. So now there is an atmosphere.

Eventually, I decided that the silence is killing me and I'm not putting up with it only to be told that this is all because I am too soft on DS (he was told off by me for his antics. DS apologised and was told that it wasn't good enough, that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again. When I say this is out of order, that he has apologised. OH storms off, saying he has had enough and has now gone upstairs packed an overnight bag and said he will be back in a few days.

Is DS a pain in the backside right now? Yes, eveything is a bloody chore. Is he not cheeky, never gets in trouble at school and everyone tells us how well behaved he is.

So am I being unreasonable for think OH is being an arse or is he in the right for blowing his top.

Help

OP posts:
lovetherisingsun · 12/11/2018 20:35

My dad used to pull shit like this on me, OP, when I was just a little girl. I can absolutely tell you it fucked me up for many, many years. I felt stupid. I felt worthless. I felt like, because of me, I created bad situations and made people hate me because I was obviously such a bad person. My mum stayed with my dad - and now I'm a mother myself I' think back and think - fuck, no. Why did she stay and let him keep getting away with saying stuff like that to me? They got divorced over different reasons, but then he'd get wasted and make me stand there in front of him and tell me everything that was wrong with me and it was all my fault everything was messed up. I was 9. Fuck no, would I let anyone make my kid feel like that. Fuck no would I not deliver an ultimatum, no matter the consequences (divorce, etc), along the line of "don't ever speak to our son like that again - if you do, xyz will happen". I mean, for fucks sake, he;s a grown man! And he's throwing his stroppy little immature weight around and dragging all of you down with him. Tell him to fuck off next time and you stay with your son and you have a damn good time without your "D"H. Your poor kid.

Weightsandmeasures · 12/11/2018 20:35

*Something is amiss

Bethia · 12/11/2018 20:37

I don’t think this has anything to do with your son’s behaviour. Your son is doing what kids of that age do, being a wee bit tricky! I’m sorry to say I think your man is way out of order. If your son heard all your partner’s tantrum.. that’s not good. Your partner was a bit too quick of the mark with the bag-packing- I’d explore that with him, as a priority. Wishing you all the best. X

HaveNC · 12/11/2018 20:37

YADNBU.
Hi OP, I'm a lurker on MN but I had to comment on this.

My dad has very similar fits of temper to your DH. Coming out of the blue, massively overreacting, sulking like a child. There's no mental health issues, affairs or stress - even now I have no idea why he reacts the way he does.

Please make sure your son knows that how his stepdad spoke to him was unacceptable, and that he isn't at fault for his stepdad's temper. It's a horrible thing to witness, and it's worse to think you're responsible for it.

I hope he apologises to your son. My dad has never apologised to me for the things he's said, in fact he's gone on blaming me because he can't admit he was wrong.

Let your DH know he was wrong and that he's got to sort his temper out ASAP.

Girlsnightin · 12/11/2018 20:38

Christ alive. All this to save a couple of quid buying from the childs menu.

Can't you see your son would be embarrassed to order a kids meal. He is now of an age where you need to allow him to move into an adults world.

I would have told my DH to leave the pub on his own and made sure we all ordered what we wanted and got a taxi home.

MulticolourMophead · 12/11/2018 20:40

ReflectionsofParadise

Really... no one else can see that DH clearly wanted a 'reason' to vanish for a few nights so he basically manipulated one out of thin air?

OP I'd be checking your DHs phone when he gets back, and any statements you have access to.

Also get your own finances in order. Something is about to blow up, I'd say just after Christmas, if not before or during.

You weren't the only one, I'd been thinking there was something off about this argument from the OH. Perhaps he came back with his tail between his legs because someone else told him he couldn't stay with them.

I mean, who told the DS he had to pick from the kids menu? Why? If it was the OH, he'll surely know what kind of appetite the DS has?

Mishappening · 12/11/2018 20:42

Gosh - if he can't cope with that, how will he cope when they are teenagers?

He is being utterly ridiculous. Who is the adult here?

Jungster · 12/11/2018 20:42

Massive over reaction.

Your OH must be living on a knife edge looking for a reason to blame and rage

Petitepamplemousse · 12/11/2018 20:43

DS at 11 will be hungry after eating from a child’s menu. How mean of your husband. If you can afford to go out to eat, you can afford to buy a growing boy a proper meal. Your husband is behaving like a total dick to be honest and I feel sorry for you but even more sorry for your son.

patchysmum · 12/11/2018 20:43

I may have a supicious but this rings warning bells in my head.Unless your husband has a habit of walking out for trivial reasons.Could he possibly be having an affair? It seams as if he was looking for a reason to pack a bag

Sally2791 · 12/11/2018 20:44

Definitely more behind the scenes,poor DS and you.Nasty H. Tell him to stay away ,he's not welcome back with that attitude

Shiklah · 12/11/2018 20:44

What a dickhead. The big silverback slapping the young male down. Pathetic. If I were you I would refuse to have anything to do with his birthday and I would let DS order off adult menu from now on.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/11/2018 20:45

Also, a warning OP. If you don’t start sticking up for your son (and he shouldn’t have even had to apologise or order from a child’s menu so you weren’t sticking up for him right from the beginning ) he WILL shave mental health issues as an adult due to your nasty, spiteful DH and his bullying behaviour. Absolutely sickening.

TallulahBetty · 12/11/2018 20:45

First thing that sprung to my mind was, he's been looking for an excuse to have a few days away, And has used this as a very flimsy one

Jungster · 12/11/2018 20:46

Yes my son 12 and he is SICK of chicken nuggets and chips. He is allowed order from adults menu. He has a bigger appetite than i do. By miles.

patchysmum · 12/11/2018 20:46

should say suspicious mind why is there no option to edit posts on here

Petitepamplemousse · 12/11/2018 20:47

‘DS apologised and was told that it wasn't good enough, that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again.‘

Abuse, pure and simple.

RedDogsBeg · 12/11/2018 20:49

astorminabcup We have a family friend whose teenage son has gone right of the rails and it is almost as if he is trying to prevent this happening to our DS before it ever does.

If your OH thinks behaving the way he is towards your son will prevent the above then he needs to wake up fast - the way your OH is carrying on is far more likely to have exactly the opposite effect and drive your son away.

The fact your OH still thinks the way he spoke to and treated your son is acceptable and 'right' is very concerning. Has your OH apologised to your son for what he said/how he reacted, and I mean properly apologised not an "I'm sorry but" type of apology? Is your OH standing fast on your son not going to his birthday dinner?

You need to have a strong talk with your OH, his treatment of your son is totally unacceptable and it will get worse if you don't do something about it now.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2018 20:50

God what a horrible way to treat a child. Making him eat off the kids menu, telling him he was banned from the birthday meal, telling him he couldn't come to family occasions, it's heart breaking for the little lad to be treated this way.

I have only one question op.

Why th fuck did you let him back in the house.

AnotherEmma · 12/11/2018 20:50

Your husband is abusive. He's abusing you and your children.

user1495390685 · 12/11/2018 20:50

Does your husband have depression? Sounds like your boy's behaviour might be a trigger. We have similar behaviour in the house but never leading to an extreme "I am packing my bags then". You guys have joint responsibility. Fair enough OH can't cope, but he needs to do something about it. Easier said than done -- I know from personal experience. Flowers Hope you sort it out.

MsJudgemental · 12/11/2018 20:50

Why should your son have to eat crap off the ‘child’s menu’? Your H was looking for a fight. This is not down to DS.

AnotherEmma · 12/11/2018 20:51

Depression? Oh that chestnut.

It's pretty offensive to people with mental health problems to use them as an excuse for abuse.

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/11/2018 20:51

I don't think ds having to choose from the kids menu really has much relevance. Yes it was the cause of ds strip but many other things could have been too (not allowed coke, not allowed a £20adults meal etc) it's how your OH reacted to a perfect normal grumpy child.

Also, 're the kids meal, the ones in our local spoons are chuffing massive! I'll often have one , and my nephews who are big waters aged 9 and 11 are still happy with them.

shiningstar2 · 12/11/2018 20:52

i think you are in that transitional period where you have been used to him having a child's meal and will now be moving to adult. Don't be too hard on him if he orders adult and can't eat it all in the future. A child's is probably too small but an adults a bit too big. Happens to a lot of kids at this stage.

I think you may have to have a quiet talk at an appropriate time with dh. It is never appropriate to leave a child out of a much looked forward to family birthday meal for a bit of sulkiness. How would you all feel if this was followed through and you had to go out to celebrate this without your ds?
Also ...and I know this is more difficult to face or deal with ...sometimes people have underlying resentments about having the child who is not biologically theirs 'tagging along' at all family things and this can be there ...especially when their own biological child comes along in the most usually reasonable of people. You only have to read some of the threads on mumsnet.

I'm not saying this is the case ...you know your own situation best ...but I would hazard a guess that this will resonate with some people. You may have to give your son some extra support and quietly do a bit of compensating yourself without making your son aware if possibl

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