Husband has just walked out for a few days to clear his head...was I BU

[astorminabcup]

So long story short tonight my husband and I decided to take the kids out for a bit of dinner, nowhere fancy just local Wetherspoons type place. Anyway, 11-year-old DS went in a bit of a huff cause he was told he had to pick of child's menu. He eventually chose but still had a sad face on so hubby spat the dummy and says we are now leaving because of DS mood. Cue long silent drive home as hubby is now in a mood.

We get home and he then tells me that DS has spoilt the night and as such he will not be coming to his upcoming birthday meal, I say this is being silly we area family and we are all going. He says under no circumstance is DS going to a family meal. So now there is an atmosphere.

Eventually, I decided that the silence is killing me and I'm not putting up with it only to be told that this is all because I am too soft on DS (he was told off by me for his antics. DS apologised and was told that it wasn't good enough, that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again. When I say this is out of order, that he has apologised. OH storms off, saying he has had enough and has now gone upstairs packed an overnight bag and said he will be back in a few days.

Is DS a pain in the backside right now? Yes, eveything is a bloody chore. Is he not cheeky, never gets in trouble at school and everyone tells us how well behaved he is.

So am I being unreasonable for think OH is being an arse or is he in the right for blowing his top.

Help

Does your husband have depression

Why do people do this? Look for a way to justify abuse. Particularly child abuse.

He said he was going for a few days, take some control op, he shoild he gone for a min of a few days, don't let him abuse your child like this.

I wouldn't have let him back in. Especially as he still thinks your DS was wrong. I am always afraid I overreact to stuff but this makes me look tame! Massive overreaction and the stuff about leaving DS out of other things is fucking ridiculous. Tell him to fuck right off. I wouldn't let anyone treat my children like this, parent or step parent.

Hmm. I don’t think tail between legs is enough for that kind of reaction to an 11yo. I’d tell him you’re not sure you actually want him staying tonight after what he said, you can’t just fix things with children with an apology half an hour later when you’re the adult. If he’s not confident that was a one off he should keep the bag packed.

Children's meals are for small children - my son is 12 and while he prefers the children's menu he has to order two children's mains to fill him up.

He eventually chose but still had a sad face on so hubby spat the dummy and says we are now leaving because of DS mood. Cue long silent drive home as hubby is now in a mood.

It wasn’t your son who spoiled the evening. He had chosen and was bearing it. Any reasonable adult would ignore the sulk and demonstrated the right way to behave. Instead he escalated and ruined the evening for you all, then was threatening to ruin another family occasion.

Does he have form for ruining family occasions? It’s a well known power ploy abusers use.

I agree with JustJoined it looks like your abusive, bully of a husband has engineered a fall out, blaming it all on your poor ds, so that he can swan off for the weekend with his bit on the side!

I would be sorely tempted to change the locks whilst he is gone, if it was me!

Please, sit your son down and tell him that whilst his behaviour was not ideal, he is not responsible for his Fathers reaction, nor for his leaving! Tell your DS that his Dad was being cruel and abusive and that he did not deserve that reaction!

Let me guess, it was your ‘D’ H who refused to allow your DS an adult portion meal?! I have an eleven year old DS and he would not be satisfied by a child’s meal in a restaurant!! No wonder your ds looked put out!

I honestly feel heartbroken for your DS, how traumatised he must be by his Dads cruel behaviour! My DS would be devastated and incredibly distressed if my dh behaved like that!

I would send a message to your D h, telling him that his behaviour was a disgrace, that he did not need to ‘engineer’ a situation to ‘escape’. That he is cruel and emotionally abusive to put your young son through that! I would tell him not to bother coming home once he was done with his sulk/mistress.

The thing that has stood out for me OP is the number of posters asking if your DS is the bio child of your DH before you confirmed that he wasn't. This was my first thought as well. Your DH is being a shit and a bully towards your child.

I don’t really think eating off the kids menu is the worst thing in the world. Your sons reaction was fine too. What’s the problem with being pissed off occasionally 🤷🏻‍♀️. My son is 11 and will eat off the kids menu sometimes - if it comes with a starter and dessert he sometimes will or if he’s not too hungry.

Very odd behaviour from your OH. I wonder if he’s worrying about something else, if it’s the boy you know who is going off the rails or something.

Your poor son, hope he’s ok x

Has your OH apologised to DS? Because his behaviour was unacceptable and he needs to acknowledge that. If you want to keep your son from going off the rails, he needs to know that home is safe and supportive. That doesn't mean ignoring bad behaviour, but you do turn a blind eye to normal pre-teen hormonal sulks ... or the next few years will be one long battle!

Our DD is 10 going on 15, so i feel your pain. Remember, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Hmm....MASSIVE! overreaction to a minor argument. If he cant handle an 11 year old boy tantrum then how will he handle a hormonal door slamming Girl in a few years time?

As others have said, there is probably more to this than he's letting on.

Now he's returned and apologised please make it clear to him that you are not going to accept that sort of tantrum from an adult (whatever caused it) I know it's hard but don't feel you have to walk on egg shells to keep the peace it wont make it any better for you and the kids in the long run.

Posters should read the full thread..
Husband was back home after 30mins, tail between his legs but still thinking he was right

Op are you sure there isn't a back story here? That this is the first time he's been abusive to your son and tried to exclude him from thr family?

Because it's very extreme for a first. Even his having to order off the kids menu is a way to embarrass him, put him in his place.

As said, your poor son, one biological father who is not part of his life and now this man abusing him.

Your husband is being a dick, what a shame for your son :(

Your husband is emotionally abusing your child.

He tried to exclude him from a major family event.

He escalated this to include all family events.

He escalated this to him leaving "because of " your child.

Any man who blames a child for his own appalling actions is not fit to share a home with a child. His behaviour tonight is disgusting.

I don't know how many terrible stories about young, homeless men I have heard that have started with an abusive stepfather! You need to think seriously about which relationship you want to sacrifice because if he keeps this up and you do nothing you will lose your son sooner or later.

" Even his having to order off the kids menu is a way to embarrass him, put him in his place."

Oh is it fuck!

Op has said that it would be enough food for her son.

Is this typical behaviour? I'm not trying to make excuses but everyone has days/times where they react over something 'silly' because they're actually upset about something else.

If he has a pattern for this behaviour then it's unacceptable, but if it's out of the blue I would try investigate further ?

Kids at eleven don't want to order off the kids menu normally, like the ops son, his behaviour is normal.

The fathers is not.

Although I don't think this man sees himself as the father and that's the issue,

I guessing he's not raised him from a baby op?

Make him apologise to your son, no way he deserves to think it was his fault (and he will even though you have explained).

@Weightsandmeasures You husband's over reaction is a sign that some this amiss. I would be surprised if you found out he is having an affair.

Now who's overreacting?! What a leap!

Please don't listen to all of the amateur detectives telling you something else is going on, he must be having an affair, blah,blah,blah - they are letting their own bad experiences colour everything and see affairs wherever they look. Parenting is hard and frustrations sometimes bubble quickly to the surface. Some people handle them better than others and it certainly sounds like your oh handled this one particularly badly.

You say he has come back with his tail between his legs, so it sounds like he has at least started to realise this. An apology to you is fine but he also owes one to your son. Who here can say they have never said anything to their children that they fairly instantly regretted or done something that they wanted to take back? We all make mistakes - it's how we handle them afterwards that almost always reveals more about the kind of person we really are.

We get home and he then tells me that DS has spoilt the night and as such he will not be coming to his upcoming birthday meal, I say this is being silly we area family and we are all going. He says under no circumstance is DS going to a family meal. So now there is an atmosphere

The bugger would be at a table for one if he was my DH .

Your dickhead husband is in for a massive shock since your son is just getting his toes into the abyss of puberty.

Anyway he has come back home (after about 30 minutes) with his tail between his legs, sorry for storming out, blah blah blah but still thinks he was in the right about DS behaviour.

I just want to punch him in the face and tell him to grow up

Well tell him to grow up, explain to him that his behaviour was far worse then any behaviour from your son. I would let him know he is on very thin ice with you, and unless he get his attitude in order then he will be looking for some where else to live permanently.

You needed support to deal with your son not a tantrum from an adult. I am sorry, it must be scary and hurtful. It feels wrong to me that a man can just walk out of a problem in the family with no consequences, thinking that a bit of time off is appropriate. This is all fine and good so long as next time there is a tough day in the family you get to pack a bag and say "Well its my turn for a bit of 'me time' darling, hope you sort it by the time I get back." I can only suggest that you agree some boundaries with him. I think like other people have said that sadly there might be more to it than reacting to your son's bad mood.

Glad he's back. Is it worth pointing out that he is not teaching your son how to handle his emotions very well? Not now but when all is calm another day) xx