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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has just walked out for a few days to clear his head...was I BU

230 replies

astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 19:38

So long story short tonight my husband and I decided to take the kids out for a bit of dinner, nowhere fancy just local Wetherspoons type place. Anyway, 11-year-old DS went in a bit of a huff cause he was told he had to pick of child's menu. He eventually chose but still had a sad face on so hubby spat the dummy and says we are now leaving because of DS mood. Cue long silent drive home as hubby is now in a mood.

We get home and he then tells me that DS has spoilt the night and as such he will not be coming to his upcoming birthday meal, I say this is being silly we area family and we are all going. He says under no circumstance is DS going to a family meal. So now there is an atmosphere.

Eventually, I decided that the silence is killing me and I'm not putting up with it only to be told that this is all because I am too soft on DS (he was told off by me for his antics. DS apologised and was told that it wasn't good enough, that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again. When I say this is out of order, that he has apologised. OH storms off, saying he has had enough and has now gone upstairs packed an overnight bag and said he will be back in a few days.

Is DS a pain in the backside right now? Yes, eveything is a bloody chore. Is he not cheeky, never gets in trouble at school and everyone tells us how well behaved he is.

So am I being unreasonable for think OH is being an arse or is he in the right for blowing his top.

Help

OP posts:
Hazardswan · 12/11/2018 20:18

Another worried for your son, he shouldn't have to shoulder your H's mood like this.

TheHobbitMum · 12/11/2018 20:18

I think your husband has done you all a favour, now don't let him back in! You poor son should never be treated this way and your husband is a dick of the highest order to force a child's menu on an 11yr old.

Your son will be affected by this behaviour in many ways, please put him first and ditch the knob of a husband

JustJoinedRightNow · 12/11/2018 20:19

OP that is appalling behavior from your OH, I’m sorry to hear this. Your poor son.

I’m worried this was an excuse your OH has been looking for to leave - is there any chance he’s having an affair and has gone off to that? I just can’t understand why something your son did is enough for him to walk off unless he ‘needed an excuse’ if you see what I mean. I apologize if I’m off the mark.
In any case, sounds like you’d be well rid of him if he doesn’t turn back up!

LizzieSiddal · 12/11/2018 20:20

Your H is a moody bully.

I feel very sorry for your son and you.

MollysMummy2010 · 12/11/2018 20:21

My 8yo dd doesn’t order from the kids menu! She eats more than me! Dh sounds like he wanted a fight.

PumpkinPie2016 · 12/11/2018 20:21

Your husband is being completely ridiculous and his reaction is way OTT!

Kids have sulks/strops - as adults, we have to deal with them and teach them that it isn't appropriate but your husband has not home about it correctly.

I think going home was possibly a good idea but the rest is awful.

I think I'd be telling him not to bother coming back and changing the locks!

badirene · 12/11/2018 20:22

I hope you and your DS are doing OK OP and both know that you have done nothing wrong. Sorry to be blunt but I think your husband was spoiling for a row as an excuse to go, for your own sake have a dig around and know that his reaction is not in proportion to the disagreement.

FascinatingCarrot · 12/11/2018 20:23

Your husband is a wanker - biological 'dad' or not.
I hope for both your sakes he stays away. I'm betting this is one of many petty moods he throws.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 12/11/2018 20:23

I agree it was an excuse for your oh to leave
Your 11 was being a bit off but wasn’t that bad - nothing out of the ordinary
It sounds as though your oh isn’t his dad?
Where has he gone?! I would be wondering if another woman or if he’s got a social thing he wanted to attend and engineered this so he could go

FetchezLaVache · 12/11/2018 20:24

OP does your DS normally have to order from the children's menu? I'm maybe way off beam here, but I'm wondering if this has all somehow been engineered as an excuse for your husband to flounce off; I mean, who leaves the house for a couple of days over a silly spat? Like @Greensleeves I wonder if he already had his bag packed...

Original poster
astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 20:24

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I felt he WBU but sometimes when you are close you don't see the woods for the trees.

In answer to some of the points others have made, no there were no other issues. We had been laughing and joking in the car 5 minutes earlier, he is not a badly behaved boy (I am not one of those 'no my child' mothers. When he is being a brat I am quick to point this out) the worst we get a loud exhaling of breath when asked to empty the dishwasher! He fights with his sister, but who doesn't. There is honestly no more to this story than I have already said.

DS is not OH's, he is from a previous relationship but has never know his real dad and has always been close with OH. DD is his but he can be reactive with her too, flying off the handle for silly things.

We have a family friend whose teenage son has gone right of the rails and it is almost as if he is trying to prevent this happening to our DS before it ever does.

Anyway he has come back home (after about 30 minutes) with his tail between his legs, sorry for storming out, blah blah blah but still thinks he was in the right about DS behaviour.

I just want to punch him in the face and tell him to grow up Angry

OP posts:
PickAChew · 12/11/2018 20:25

Your H isn't any more mature than your 11yo and I wouldn't be surprised if he's the trigger for some of your DS's mardiness.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/11/2018 20:25

It does sound like he was waiting for an excuse to pack his bags.
I would be packing the rest of them for him to collect.
I hope you are okay, what an utter twonk, your poor son.

PrincessWire · 12/11/2018 20:26

Well I hope none of you will be going to the husband's birthday meal now - let the sulky bastard have his party alone while you and your DC go to 'spoons and your DS eats a proper meal! Who on earth forces and 11yo to have a kids meal? No wonder he was sad.

EvaHarknessRose · 12/11/2018 20:26

It doesn't bode well for him parenting an adolescent if he behaves like this over such a minor issue. Is he looking to leave do you think or is he often like this?

Fallingout · 12/11/2018 20:26

My tiny 9 yr old gets upset at the kids menu and so we let her choose from the adult menu so she feels grown up. She never actually eats it all but DH is a bottomless pit so can always finish it.
It sounds like DS was punished (he didn’t get a meal and got told off) but also unsure why he couldn’t have an adult meal? If I were you I wouldn’t want to go out for DH’s birthday, either of you!!

Original poster
astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 20:26

P.S. My son has been reassured that he is not to blame for this and that his dad has overreacted. I expect 11 year olds to be huffy, I expect 44 year olds to know better

OP posts:
ReflectionsofParadise · 12/11/2018 20:26

Really... no one else can see that DH clearly wanted a 'reason' to vanish for a few nights so he basically manipulated one out of thin air?

OP I'd be checking your DHs phone when he gets back, and any statements you have access to.

Also get your own finances in order. Something is about to blow up, I'd say just after Christmas, if not before or during.

CoatedInSnow · 12/11/2018 20:28

According to NHS:
A report from 2011 estimated that the average daily energy requirements for children aged 7 to 10 years old are:
Age (years) Boys Girls
7 6,900kJ /1,649kcal 6,400kJ /1,530kcal
8 7,300kJ /1,745kcal 6,800kJ /1,625kcal
9 7,700kJ /1,840kcal 7,200kJ /1,721kcal
10 8,500kJ /2,032kcal 8,100kJ /1,936kcal

As a guide, an average man needs around 2,500kcal (10,500kJ) a day to maintain a healthy body weight.
For an average woman, that figure is around 2,000kcal (8,400kJ) a day.

Who told your DS he had to pick off the child's menu and why?

OkMaybeNot · 12/11/2018 20:29

This would shake my trust in him.

Leaving over a huffy 11 year old?

There's more to this.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2018 20:29

Ask your husband how your son is supposed to learn maturity from a grown man who acts like a fucking three year old. You shouldn't have let him come back. What an insufferable prick.

diddl · 12/11/2018 20:29

Idk, I mean when I was a kid on the rare ocasions that we went out for a meal if you were told to have a kid's portion you would as you'd be grateful to be having such a treat as eating out iyswim.

So to a point I can see what your husband is saying.

But this "that he was f'ing sick of him being moody little shit and that he would not be going anywhere with the family again."

Just way OTT.

Original poster
astorminabcup · 12/11/2018 20:31

The reason DS was told to pick from the child's he is not a big eater, he kind of picks and leaves most of it. He picked lasagne, which was also on the children's menu just a smaller portion. The deal was if he finished it or most of it he would be allowed a dessert from the big menu (he loves the big sundaes) so it was a kind of compromise.

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 12/11/2018 20:35

DD 11 would be starving if she ate off the children's menu. That's about the age that they move up to the adult menu. YANBU and your DH is a tit. I hope you got your DS some more food when you got home.

Weightsandmeasures · 12/11/2018 20:35

You husband's over reaction is a sign that some this amiss. I would be surprised if you found out he is having an affair.