To M
I haven't forgotten. I'm happy now, far from you, but I haven't forgotten and those nights when I can't get to sleep, I think about what you did and cannot get it off my mind. It plays over and over until I want to cry.
Maybe I'm to blame. I know my reaction probably misled you into thinking I was okay with it, that it wasn't a big deal, and I will never forgive myself for not making it clear how hurt, how violated and how upset I was. Maybe then you would have realised the harm you did, rather than making jokes and laughing as you told me you were going to tell your friends about it. I don't know whether you ever did but if you did, I hope they put you straight. Maybe it was just your immaturity or your selfishness (a trait you admitted to having), but I would hate to think that you were so unaware that it didn't cross your mind even once that what you did was wrong.
I never told anyone about that night (apart from my DP, a few years ago). When we broke up, I told people it was because you cheated on me - and although it was true, you did cheat on me, you had done far worse both before that and after. I could not humiliate myself by admitting what you had done out loud, so instead gave them what would have been a perfectly valid reason by itself - too ashamed to tell them the real reason, I let them think you'd humiliated me in a different way. The only person I have told since is DP, and I haven't even told him everything. He knows what you did that night, and that you also cheated on me. The rest I have kept a secret, so ashamed that not only did you treat me like that, but that I let you.
Maybe it's because I didn't tell anyone, maybe it's because no one knows the truth so no one questions what you're saying or whether you truly believe it, but when I see you posting things about consent and women's rights, it makes me feel sick. Maybe that is unfair. It has, after all, been eight years. Maybe you've matured. Maybe you've changed. I know I have - I am no longer in that awful, dark place that I was, that place that had me so craving love, affection and acceptance from someone that I ignored all the red flags - or just didn't understand/couldn't see them for what they were - and allowed you to do all the horrible things that you did. Because it wasn't just one night, was it? It was months of warfare on my already fragile self-esteem, little by little. You knew I had been in a bad place, which can only lead me to conclude that you decided to exploit that vulnerability. Maybe, again, you deserve the benefit of the doubt. You hadn't had many relationships. Maybe you didn't realise that that wasn't how things were supposed to be. Maybe you were not to blame for that either, because I was older - albeit by only a few years - and I didn't once stand up for myself or tell you that all those things you were doing were not supposed to happen in healthy, happy relationships. Instead, I let you walk all over me, and that is another thing I cannot forgive myself for.
Maybe you have changed, and I hope you have. I know you were in a few relationships in the time proceeding - not least because you made sure to tell me of the first few - and I hope you treated them all far better than me. Maybe they gave in to you quicker than I did so you didn't have the same "problem" (for want of a better word) that you had with me. I hope you now realise that even if you see it as a "challenge" - and though you never called it that, I know that was how you saw it and how you saw me - it shouldn't be. I should not have been seen as just some little game to play for you to get your kicks. I'm sure you were disappointed when I didn't immediately fall for your lines. I knew what you were after, I knew that you had that ultimate goal in mind, but I never thought you would actually go through with ignoring my wishes, feelings, and rights to get it. I wasn't saying "never", only "not yet". Maybe that meant that felt like the same thing to you. I think at least part of it was you couldn't take the hit to your ego. You had used your escalating lines, telling me exactly what you thought I wanted to hear day after day (and what you obviously thought would make me decide that I didn't want to wait after all), you had played the game, but I wasn't giving in when you thought I should have done. I suppose that is where I should take part of the blame, for never realising that you would actually cross that line. I was naive, I was stupid, and I paid for that. I pray that no one else has had to at your hands since. I hope, I sincerely hope, that you believe all those posts about consent etc. that you share and I hope you take it all to heart. If you do, I hope that you see what happened that night as objectively as you can and see how it made me feel.
I remember the blanket apology you sent me and I have often wondered exactly what you were apologising for, although I never asked. I cannot help but think that you weren't apologising for all your actions then, just some of them. It was too casual an apology to have encompassed everything. I hope you have since realised just how all of your actions made me feel. Not just that one - though that was the big one. I never told you this, obviously, but it really hit me on the flight home just what had happened and I cried for most of the journey, and many days afterwards - but all of the little things.
I wish you no ill, I want you to know that. I am happy now and have moved on from that part of my life. If I could somehow forget or block out the time I spent with you, I wouldn't be sad to do so but I am not in the same place in my life and I am, frankly, just glad to be the other side. You have left me with many, many memories I wish I did not have but that, I suppose, is part of life. I just pray that I have learned my lesson.
Finally, M, I pray that you have learned something from that period of your life as well. I hope and pray that you have matured, that you have come to realise that the way you treat people does matter, that you realise actions have consequences - even if those consequences don't affect you directly - and that you have the ability to help people or hurt them with every choice you make. You hurt me in ways you cannot imagine and I would not wish that on you or anybody, but I hope that you have at least learned a lesson, more than anything, and I hope that you carry that lesson into the rest of your life.