to say here what I can't say in RL. Feel free to do the same

[BlingLoving]

To SIL, who is married to complete waste of space:

"Just leave him. He adds no value to your life. You are either working or looking after DC. You spend your life supporting him emotionally and financially and he doesn't do anything to support you. He resents fatherhood, and makes you feel guilty for the fact that he has less time and that the two of you can't go out. His constant weed smoking is not healthy when there are young children in the house and the fact that you can't see that is how much he's messed with your mind. He will NEVER finish his qualifications because he's too lazy/stupid to do it and that means he will NEVER change jobs so he will simply continue to whine and complain to you while expecting you to bear the brunt of the financial burden.

And all of these things turn YOU into a not very nice person. You are defensive and easily angered with everyone, including your DC. We all KNOW it's because you literally don't get 10 minutes to yourself and are juggling 1000 balls, but it's tiring. And every single time you shout at him because he's being a dick, you somehow land up being the bad guy.

DC will be FINE without him in their lives on a daily basis. So will you. It won't b e easy but you are not exactly modelling a fantastic relationship for them so keeping around is just going to harm them in the long run. Just leave. Please just leave."

Sadly, can't say any of that in real life as he's convinced her she's a terrible, cruel person who doesn't take his needs into account. Ditto, that he is a poor pathetic man who needs her and if she doesn't look after him, who will. Sigh.

Thanks. This was cathartic.

DP- I love you. It's all encompassing and just is. It's deep and just there. I'm so proud of you and if I could wave my wand and give you a dream job and home, I would. Because you light up my world.

X- you must know that I love you. The letter telling you so is hidden in my bookcase although I'd die if you ever saw it. It's 6 pages. But please don't worry. I hate myself for loving you and would never act on it. It would be wrong and I love DP so much. The letter will tell you. I still wonder how much you care/d about me. We are better as we are but to love you is as easy as breathing and has been from the moment I saw you. I owe you so much ... and I miss being held in the safest arms in the world. No matter what, a little part of me is yours.

Uncle Peter. I still think about you, I miss you and I wish we had had longer. I wish you knew how much you mean to me. I hope you know about your name somehow. You are my earliest memories and all of them are happy.

Ex DP- I wish you nothing but happiness and you deserve it. I am grateful for your gracious reply. I still wear the heart. I am SO proud of you.

Fil & Mil. Stop drinking & stop enabling.

L- I always could see through that big fake smile. You smug, jumped up, fake bitch. You never really had the iq to realise you'd been spotted, you vacant bimbo. I didn't care when your equally dumb vacuous mother died. I'd always wanted to watch life kick you and it was good. Apparently your ghastly spiv of a father didn't care either- he got a dog soon enough. I hope you get no inheritance, get fat, age badly, generally fail at life and die poor & alone. Oh- and you have no neck.

P- when karma comes for you, the hounds of hell will be right behind. Do you know you caused Js miscarriage?

A- I'll always tell you to go, but I'll always listen. I hope one day you wake up to her evilness before she hurts you. Please be careful. You are always in my thoughts and I want you safe. If you need me, I'll be there.

To my twin sister. I do not deserve your vile hatred and bitterness, I have done nothing to deserve it. Except be me. I'm allowed to have my own life and be happy. I'm sorry my having DC/getting married/happyness causes you to be so bitter, nasty and cruel.
Are you jealous?
I spent my life being told I wasnt good enough by you, telling me I'd never have kids (who would want to reproduce with me?), I spent years believing you, letting you keep me in the box you created for me. Doing my hair as instructed by you, staying skinny because you always always always called me fat, even when I weighed 8st. Why did I let you treat me so badly? Was it the emotional blackmail you used against me? the months of not speaking to me over imagined slights, making me grovel apologies to you because I was always in the wrong for daring to express an opinion or disagree.
Toxic. You are toxic, controlling narcisstic bullies, so miserable in your own Instagram-perfect lives you keep trying to destroy mine.
You drove me to a breakdown, typical Taigh, fucking up again. Thats all I've ever been to you, a fuck up. An embarassment to you. Your emotional punchbag.
Did you ever love me? for me? Was I such an awful person I deserved to be treated like shit?

And then I had counselling. Someone helping me to like me. Teaching me to let go of the past and be happy. Quietly putting me back together. did you know I'm not a bad person? I'm not perfect, but I'm NOT A BAD PERSON. I'm not the fuck up you tell me I am.

Going NC with you was and is the hardest thing I've done. But I won;t let you treat my DC the same way you treated me. I won't let you have that power over me anymore. I choose life. I choose to be happy and laugh. I don't hate anyone. I don't hate you. I feel sorry for you, bound in bitterness

I forgive you. I love you. Please be happy.

I loathe breastfeeding.

To my parents:

Nope. I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I don't enjoy spending time with you and I can't pretend any longer. I'll always be grateful for the help you've given me but the way you've treated me since then has been appalling. To go to court and blatantly lie to potentially make your own daughter homeless it disgusting. Yes, I did manipulate you into reversing your decision and no, I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for it. I've tried to move on from that but I just can't. You still lie to me, you still treat me like a child, and you only ever make the effort when it's something that will benefit you. Moving away and leaving me behind when I was 18yo was probably the best thing you've ever done for me. I sympathise about the way things have ended up for the both of you but I am not prepared to let you drag me down with you. I can feel myself becoming spiteful and resentful and I don't want to live like that.

I know you probably think I "owe you" for your financial help and the fact that you adopted me but that's not what parenting is about. Also the fact that you kept my adoption a secret from me really really hurts. It's my biological brother's birthday today and I potentially could have been a part of that had I known he even existed. I know decisions like that are hard but sometimes you have to think about other people for once and put them first. I've been putting the two of you first my entire life. First before my relationship, my job, even my DP's much beloved grandmother's funeral. You still managed to ruin that even though we were NC. Well, now I'm putting myself first. It ends now.

Massive and endless {{hugs}} to all PP. I've read all the posts and you're all so very brave and strong. I wish I had even only half of your strength. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Sil, you are categorically the most shallow, unpleasant person I have ever met. You are ruining DB's and your own DC's lives with your selfishness and I hate you for how you treat L. And DB, you are the weakest person I know and I don't know how you can stand by and let her do that to your DC, all 3 of them. I guess you're more like our sperm donor than any of us realised. Grow up and have the guts to do something, before you lose L and the others are irreparably damaged. It really is better to be alone than with someone who sucks every bit of joy from your life.

To abusive arsehole

You really took the last little bit of self confidence I had with you, I was so vulnerable, I didn't even realise and despite what all my friends said I still stayed. I have heard you now have a little girl, I hope that no one ever treats her like you treated me

To my family

One day my DS is going to notice he is treated very differently to the other grandchildren, buying him toys is only going to go so far and up to a point, when he is going to make the choice

To DP

I love you but you are shit with money and I have been ignoring it for too long now. It is stopping in the next few days, once I have everything organised and we are going to sit down and I am going to go over the budget, yes it is going to be tight for a good few years but we have been through hell and back over the last few months, we can do this as well.

To my fucking neighbours

I am really hating your fucking music which you have just turned up louder. Its fucking 4am and you have been going for four hours now. Go to fucking sleep.

DS

I am sorry my mental health has robbed us of a lot of time together and that at points you have come second, while my OCD/Depression/Anxiety has hit and come first, but I am getting better and I will spend as much time as I can making it up to you and making sure that if you ever have a mental health problem, you are strong enough to say so and not do what I did which was hide it for so many years, till I cracked.

You have made me so strong and without you I would probably not be alive, one day I will explain it to you and you have been an amazing little boy, while everything has fallen round about us, always there with an amazing smile and a joke, but we are sorted now, our little family is back together properly and we can spend endless days building lego, playing power rangers or whatever it is you want to do

To my friend- stop monopolising the conversation and bragging about your children for hours every time we go out and listen to other people for a change. It's boring!

To my mental illness -

I hate you. You have robbed me of so many things and the person I could have been. I have beaten you so many times and clawed my way back but you're always there, ready to pounce. You've nearly won a few times, but you didn't, not because I was strong but because other people loved me enough to be strong enough to hold themselves and me together.

To A -
We've had 10 wonderful years together. When we found each other no one wanted you and no one wanted me, it became apparent why no one wanted you soon enough! And although I hated you at times, and although I was scared of you, you never gave up on me, so I never gave up on you. You have been my silent sympathy and strength through some really hard times and You are with me for life and I know sadly that's now not going to be as long as I hoped but I will be there every step of the way and do the right thing when the time comes for you because you deserve the best, that day will kill me but I will do it because I love you with all my heart.

DM - my mental illness is not a reflection on you, it is not a measure of how you failed and unfortunately playing the martyr will not make it any better. I know it makes you feel shit, but you really didn't need to tell me that you have only been there through the tough times through duty, so that everyone else could see you doing your bit. Shame they didn't see what you were really saying to me in private. Yes, it's crap and yes it affects you too, but you seem to think it's about you, and forget I'm suffering too. And stop denying DSis is your favourite, we all know it, we know you love me and DB as well, but we're not the people you wanted us to be, and DSis is becoming what you always aspired to be.

To DD - you're amazing. You've turned into such a wonderful young lady and I'm incredibly proud of you, you have witnessed first hand a lot of things you never should have had to thanks to my mental illness, but you're strong and brave and courageous. I hope with all my heart you don't inherit this from me and can go on to make an amazing life for yourself. My biggest fear is that I hold you back from doing that with my issues. I don't want that.

To DSis - I'm so proud of you, you're so driven and you have never played on DMs favouritism. You have been an amazing support and role model for DD and I'm so glad she has you to aspire to.

'D' F's - one biological and one step that broke up my second family for the sake of another woman. You both treated me like a hindrance and like I was just in the way all the time, o just wanted to belong to someone. Biological F - despite myself it hurts when you publically ignore I and DD even exist.
Step F - I was a child, and I belonged to that family long before you did, yes it was 'your wife and kids, house, dogs' but she was my mum and I was the child, you the adult. You were right I am 'crazy' - got the certificate to prove it - does that make you feel better?

DAunt - I'm so devastated I have no words. I ran to you and your family when I couldn't cope with my life any longer. Somehow you saw past my mother's self indulgent blaming and treated me like the confused child I was. I don't know if I will see you again, because of logistics, but I love you.

@Lymphy thank you. That means hell of a lot.

@BlingLoving OMG I could have written that about my SIL. Mine knows she’d be better off without him but doesn’t want to be on her own. They’d be better off though. I could write pages on him but I won’t bore you, you know the score.

Dear A,
Leave her. She's not healthy for you. Your family is sitting and watching you shrink in to yourself while you're emotionally abusive wife slowly picks away at every part of you.
You deserve more, and we support you. Don't be embarrassed. I know you took your vows, and they meant a lot. But the only person not honouring them is her. Not you.

MIL, the reason the family business has been struggling for such a long time is you. The people who work for you have no respect for you, and you none for them. They don't care about screwing the company over, because in their mind, they're actually screwing you. Retirement couldn't come early enough for you.

Dad, I'm sorry that my irrational fear of you taking my child has ruined our relationship. I'm sorry.

To my ex-boss; you're a prize-winning dickhead. But you know that really, don't you? You know, and we know, that behind your grandiose exterior, and passive-agressive bullying, that you are consumed by the worry that you're inferior.

And there's a good reason why you feel that way - it's because you actually ARE inferior. We don't envy you. We pity you. Glad you're gone and hope you fall flat on your (weak-chinned, ugly.... but again you know this) face. Sayonara, loser.

Partners mother: You two faced, venom spewing, old bitch. I stand on the side lines looking in and I see what you are. You disgust me. Your daughter had breast cancer and you decided you wanted everyone's sympathy, so told your son that you had cancer too. You really are ugly, inside and out. You have said the most disgusting things about your son, I know it to be true, your lovely daughter told me. He has been kept in the dark because, 1: He doesn't deserve to hear it and 2: He wouldn't believe you said it. You want to see your son married. It ain't going to happen while you still breathe. I want you nowhere near my wedding day and I certainly don't want you as a MIL. I hope this will be your last Christmas and I hope you choke to death on your venomous tongue.

I don’t think I want to move house. Not for the house that you want. I can’t afford it.

We’re going to break up one day and the financial resentment will never leave me.

Your inability as a company to ever accept any responsibility or blame for things you've cocked up, is what makes you shit, not the mistakes themselves

I deeply regret the callous, horrible way I treated you, G. It haunts me and that is my punishment. I'm glad you are happy now, I was young and stupid and drunk on my own power, I'm a better person now, but I wish I'd not treated you so badly.

To DH:

I want a divorce, I want you to move out of our flat, I want what I'm owed financially and I never want to talk to you again. I forgive you for what happened because I have no energy left to be bitter, I do love you but I can't live with the trauma of the past because it's killing me.

To MP:

I love you so much and I've missed you so much over the years and I can't wait to see you!

To S:

I will make more effort xx.

To TM:

I'm in love with you and have been for a couple of years. Just looking at you makes me weak at the knees and breathless! You are the only man I have ever felt this way about and you are just the complete package, kind, funny, caring, cute, handsome, successful and you just have this charisma that draws me in. When you flirt and spend time with me it's like all my dreams coming true and I just can't keep my eyes off you. It kills me to see you with your GF especially as I knew her before and even hated her then! You are the one but I know I can't have you , no other man will ever compare. You sometimes look at me like you know, but you're such a good man that I know you would never let your GF down and the worst past is that she doesn't know how lucky she is.

To Myself:

Get a grip and throw DH out. Accept TM will never be yours and just enjoy him as a friend. Don't be so desperate to be with him that you lose all sense of your morals and end up having/instigating a ONS/FWB or an affair with him. You have no right to ruin his relationship, she is his choice and you need to respect that.You deserve a relationship of your own and to be loved .

To the object of my desires, I know my lust and longing for you is totally inappropriate but I just want to fuck your brains out.

NDN - Turn your fucking shitty Olly Murs musak off and listen to something decent please!

MUTR - If you don't stop yanking your dog everywhere like its your slave I will follow you home & report you to the fucking RSPCA.

PW. Stop neglecting your poor sons O & L and start caring for them before SS takes them off you for fucking good! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

D- You should have had all your children adopted & never looked back instead of fucking ruining their lives with your selfish outlook.

T - You're an abusive arsehole & I hope you get your fucking comeuppance.

C - You're a selfish, attention seeking vain c**t & you're fooling nobody. I'll never forgive or forget. DON'T LET MY SMILE FOOL YOU! Fuck you!

DP - I don't care about your interests - they bore me to sleep.

DD - Tidy your fucking bedroom you lazy cow!

DFIL- Go to the bloody doctors instead of complaining to us every fucking Sunday teatime!

MT - You are a beautiful person.
PJ - Stop lying to yourself - you are gay! Just come out and be happy!
YR - Grow a backbone and tell her to fuck the fuck off! You'll feel like a new man again!

That feels much fucking better! Score!! T

To dsis: I'm incredibly upset and angry that you didn't answer my call for some sisterly support while I vent about something that's going on in my life for a change. Dh and I have been there for you, advising you, supporting you (emotionally, practically and financially) for the best part of a year and the one time I try to tell you I'm upset about something you're not there for me. I even put on hold telling anyone other than dh I was being tested for ms so as not to add to the worry you and our parents have been experiencing, despite that worry largely having been self inflicted on your part. I'm distancing myself now, to focus on myself for a while.

To dh: I'm sorry if I ever take you for granted. I appreciate everything you do for me and the kids - and my extended family, who you've taken on as your own. We're not a giddy couple in the first flush of love and lust any more, but you are my best friend and I love you beyond belief.

I'd really like to marry you. I'd really like to live together, love you forever, get old together, be buried together. I'd happily convert to your religion. It really hurts to know that we never will. On some level, I think we would both have liked to, but there are too many things that would prevent it from ever happening and I can't honestly say that there are any circumstances in which I could see us actually be happy being together. But I am so so sorry, because if our lives had been different before we met, or if we had met earlier in our lives, I think we could have had the most amazing marriage.

@procrastination101 you're eloquent and honest. Those are rare and valuable qualities alone but together they're unbeatable. I hope today you somehow get a small glimpse of your true worth

Dear ‘friend’ (who isn’t actually someone I consider a friend anymore but I just can’t seem to get rid of them!)

Please stop pretending that you’re with your new partner for anything other than his money. The fairytale you spin is all bullshit, you wouldn’t leave your ex because you needed his money (even though you’re perfectly capable of earning a decent wage yourself- you’re just far too lazy) and you ONLY left your ex once you’d successfully scoured the internet for a sugar daddy. You found said sugar daddy, packed up your life within a month of knowing him, haven’t worked since and sit around all day, whinging to people that work fucking 50 hour weeks how hard your life is whilst he pays for weekends away every weekend, lip fillers, Botox & boob jobs. And then you bleat on to people constantly, how, after only 7 months together you’re anxiously waiting for him to propose because you’re so happy and you love him so much.

No, you love his bank balance and know the only way to secure this long term is to getting him to marry you.

And to the people that know all of this and fucking pander to this person with all the ‘omg hun, so happy you’re happy, that’s true love right there, so inspirational’ get a fucking grip and stop encouraging her vulgar Facebook bragging after he’s paid for yet another boob job/ face full of fillers/ trip to Paris

DAMN that was cathritic. For the record I have absolutely no issue with boob jobs/ fillers etc, or even men paying for them. I do have take issue with the recepitent constantly trying to ‘outdo’ other people and try and make them feel like shit and insinuate their relationship is shit because their DP doesn’t insist on paying for them to have boob jobs etc.

Stbx you have watched me run myself into the ground doing all the things you couldn't be arsed to do, all the while promising to change and doing nothing. I hope our dcs don't think you are a good example of what it is to be an adult.

Mil you wanted a baby and you've got one, he's 43 years old and incapable of thinking for himself. He will be moving in with you in the next few weeks and you will need to run around after him while he sits moaning about how everything is everyone else's fault, I already know how much you are going to enjoy that. I actually don't care that you blame me for the split or what you think of me but please don't treat my dcs differently, you are still their grandma and they love you.

BIL everyone knows you're gay and no one cares, since you have been "going to the gym" with this new "friend" you have seemed so much happier, we would all love to meet him and would welcome him in. Won't it feel so liberating to just openly be who you are? Stop pretending, we love you and want to see you happy