to say here what I can't say in RL. Feel free to do the same

[BlingLoving]

To SIL, who is married to complete waste of space:

"Just leave him. He adds no value to your life. You are either working or looking after DC. You spend your life supporting him emotionally and financially and he doesn't do anything to support you. He resents fatherhood, and makes you feel guilty for the fact that he has less time and that the two of you can't go out. His constant weed smoking is not healthy when there are young children in the house and the fact that you can't see that is how much he's messed with your mind. He will NEVER finish his qualifications because he's too lazy/stupid to do it and that means he will NEVER change jobs so he will simply continue to whine and complain to you while expecting you to bear the brunt of the financial burden.

And all of these things turn YOU into a not very nice person. You are defensive and easily angered with everyone, including your DC. We all KNOW it's because you literally don't get 10 minutes to yourself and are juggling 1000 balls, but it's tiring. And every single time you shout at him because he's being a dick, you somehow land up being the bad guy.

DC will be FINE without him in their lives on a daily basis. So will you. It won't b e easy but you are not exactly modelling a fantastic relationship for them so keeping around is just going to harm them in the long run. Just leave. Please just leave."

Sadly, can't say any of that in real life as he's convinced her she's a terrible, cruel person who doesn't take his needs into account. Ditto, that he is a poor pathetic man who needs her and if she doesn't look after him, who will. Sigh.

Thanks. This was cathartic.

To one person in my family: I hate you more than words can say, and really hate myself for not having the mental strength to deal with the situation you put me in. It's destroying me, and I know you don't care.

To my ex MIL,
Congratulations I never actually knew what pure hatred was until I met you, to beat your children, have them beat each other and knowingly allow other people to abuse them for years, there is a special place in hell for you.
I almost wish you would fall in front of a bus but that would be far quicker and easier than you deserve.
I hate that I am capable of hating another person as much as I hate you.

To my colleague

Being loud and intimidating is not the same as being good at your job

People don’t respect you. They are a little afraid of upsetting you because your reactions are so extreme.

When you throw your weight around people don’t think you are clever or amazing. They despise you.

To FIL, the answer to your question is yes, you do have dementia. My heart broke when you asked me and broke again when you started talking about the birds in the garden before I could formulate any type of answer because for a few moments you knew. I fucking hate dementia, but I love you.

Dear friend of over 20 years who phased me out for reasons I don't understand: you broke my heart more than any man ever could. I've cried with the hurt and rejection. You're busy you say but we're all busy and you still make time for other people, just not me. I get on with it- I have other friends and family and life has made me tougher anyway. But the world feels a bit colder since you ditched me. I loved you.

Dad, I love you and deep down I’m more worried about you than I’d ever let you know.
T - thank you so much for being in my life. You tell me how much your life has changed for the good, it’s nothing compared to what you have done to mine and I love you more than you will ever know. I genuinely thought I was broken. You have shown me than it was those around me that were the broken ones.

Big hugs to everyone on this thread. I can't even say my fear out loud :-/

OP - you can tell her.

My best friend once, very briefly and factually told me 'I could do better and that my bf was an asshole.' It took a while to dump him. I knew she was right, even before she said it. And on refection I'm glad she had faith that I would do the right thing.

To S
I have tried to forgive you for your assaults upon me. I want to. For my sake. You were young, I was young. I’m struggling though. You stole my virginity. Then you broke my heart. Your life looks lovely. Mine has involved mental health issues and a deep sense of shame. I sometimes wish you looked back and thought you did wrong and felt man enough to apologise to me. The truth is, I know I never enter your head and that. Really. Hurts.

You make me feel forgettable.

Like a sharpie that’s hardwritten my worth on my soul.

Permanent scarring that I can never erase. I hate it.

Reading all these are making me cry. You are all so brave and 💐

II wish that judgemental voice in my head would go away and never return. I feel on the outside of everything and with my chronic illness have lost so much confidence.
I don’t think I will ever be a mum so to all my friends who have kids and just send me pictures of their kids to “keep in touch” , a “how are you” would help me. I feel like ghosting all of you as you have no idea how difficult my life is.
To my arsehole of a relative for preventing me from seeing someone close and for her to pass away a year later, I hate you. You have no idea how much hurt you have caused.

To my mother: When do you ever think anyone else but him? A real mother would have done whatever she could when her daughter who has already suffered so so much was at worse then rock bottom. You are as bad as him. In fact I would go onto say you have done more harm.

To my abuser: I hope that one day you die an horrific painful death.

To my Godfather: I love you to the end of the earth but you had a heart attack 11 months ago. That is a sign that you need to change your ways not dig deeper in to them.

To my ex-husband. I hope when you finally transition you can be a nicer person. No father should ever put his needs before his children but hey there we go. You have been absolved of any guilt or involment. I hope the girls are not upset by your choices and I hope that they have a good relationship with there adoptive father.

To my girls: I did my best and I will miss you everyday. My heart has a gaping chasm inside that will never be filled. I just want you to be happy. If that means me not being part of your life then I will try to understand.

Finally to myself: Stop downplaying your experiences.

to the love of my life.
I am so grateful that we have found each other again. I forgive you. you are not a failure and we can get through this together.

To my "mother"
Why did you take so many tablets when I was in your womb? I know you didn't want me but why not a termination, I hate you and blame you for all of my health problems.

Dear mother
I wish I didn’t feel the way I did around you. Years of putting up with you and never being allowed to challenge anything is taking its toll. Any time I have you have been so unbearable it’s not worth it.

Everything you do and say now is like nails down a blackboard. We all spend forced time together and I don’t enjoy any of it but play the game of pretend that it’s all jolly and fine ‘for the kids’. And you know I am detached but can’t possibly consider its you. This has got a lot worse since Dsis had children and you became obsessed by them and not obsessed by/interested in mine anymore. You know I can’t forgive you for not protecting me as a child, putting me in danger and making me feel like it was all my fault and now being forced to share every single happy family occasion with you, the doting granny is infuriating. Why do you get a 2nd chance? We all have to just pretend nothing ever happened whilst you drool over whoever is the youngest/cutest child until they are old enough to escape from the over bearing high pitched voice and forced hugs. And just taking every conversational opportunity to go on and on about yourself and your deluded view of yourself. When you are old you will make me feel horribly guilty for not giving up my life to do things for you and I will probably end up hating you. My kids don’t like you either very much anymore which is quite sad

I hate myself and I hate my life

And to my boss.....
You like to think you are a nice person but you let that mask slip once too often. You are cruel and the most self obsessed person I’ve ever met. I have been nice professional and friendly and all you do is take advantage of that. The mess you find yourself in is of your own doing and I will laugh to myself when it finally blows up in your face. You don’t deserve any of the opportunities you have been given because you didn’t work for them, you whined demanded and blackmailed your way into them. And your time is coming

To @FloweringOrchid...hugs and flowers lovely

To my brother

You are being taken for an absolute mug. Just leave her....forget the money. Just come back to us, the old you. Not the mug shes turned you into. I cannot believe what you've done this weekend. ..you've just kicked your DS to the kerb and you're out of order. You need to get out bruv...now

To my dcs I am so so sorry I moved us in with a man I thought could complete our lovely family, he quickly turned nasty and abusive and I am trapped in a hell of court cases, bullying solicitors letters and selling a house I thought would be our forever home while he is fighting to leave us with nothing, I will never let you know how I sit every night and cry wishing I had never met him and how I wish I had not broken all of pur hearts, I shield you from everything I can but I will never forgive myself and have no idea where we end up but I will love you always.... big hugs to everyone

To my body, I just want to be well. Why do you poison me and suck the joy out of my life. I feel like a failure because of you. My wonderful dh, I am so sorry I am broken and I would do anything to fix it and give us back the life we had.

To DM. You sobbed and sobbed so many times how you didn't want our relationship to be like the one you had with your mother. But you forgot, or just couldn't be bothered, to find out what changes you needed to make, to actually break free of the cycle.

I hate you.

I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do. You brag to anyone who will listen. But you know you're a liar and you don't deserve it.

I pray you find out what love is, before you die.

To DH, my parents and friends:

I have suffered with depression practically all my life, with the recent months being particularly bad.

However 4 weeks ago I did something that needed to be done many years ago, I just needed to find the guts to do it.

I booked an appointment with the GP, broke down and am finally getting some help. The tablets that I hide in my handbag are working and I hope the referral letter for counselling comes through on a day I am off work, so I can hide that too.

I wish I could tell you, but I am the one who always has it together, when actually deep down I’ve nearly fallen completely apart.

To my lovely sis and Dad, I want one more hug right now. Thanks.

I know you are gone but still want that.

Thanks OP for this catharsis.

To my darling son, I don’t know how to tell you that the Grandma who loves you so so much is not going to survive this horrible cancer and will not be alive at Christmas. All she wanted was to see you grow up and that’s not going to happen. It breaks my heart that at 5 all you will have is memories I pray you will never forget her. I hope I will find the strength to help you and daddy to get through this cos I’m trying to stay strong but really struggling.

Some of these are so sad and so heartbreaking.

Maximoo06 I don't know why you hate yourself and your life but I want you to know that I cared about you when I read that, even though I don't know you. I hope you can be kind to yourself and learn to like yourself.

To bf
Everything you said about us was a lie and deep down you know it, you created your own sandstorm and yet played the victim. You tried and failed because you wouldnt accept the truth that was spoken. You are luckly that i am a nice person or else we would have ended up in court.
But as im a nice person i left, and never said it in person nor will i ever as i dont want anymore drama. I hope you find some happiness but please stop thinking your right and everyone else is wrong or you wont.
So ... i forgive you, but i wont forget.