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AIBU?

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Original poster

He’s now changed his mind

158 replies

Nicolita93 · 12/11/2018 07:54

So I’m 25 and have been with my partner for 2 years he’s 35. He has a child from a previous relationship who we have on the weekends and sometimes during the week.
He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

It was okay for him to have a child with someone he didn’t want to be with, but he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to share that happiness with me.

Any advice for anyone who’s been in this situation, I’m now made to pick between my dream or the man I love.

Help!

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 12/11/2018 07:56

If you want children you have to leave him. Sad but true.

Holidayshopping · 12/11/2018 07:57

You want marriage and children and he doesn’t. Move on.

onalongsabbatical · 12/11/2018 07:57

You're 25, you'll fall in love again, you've only been with him 2 years. Leave now before you find yourself ten years down the line still trying to persuade him - and he's 45 at that point - and you're seething with resentment at what you've missed out on. Honestly you'll forget him.

Joboy · 12/11/2018 08:00

He wants you to make hime centre of his world even if you did have a child he would leave you. He does not like sharing

PurpleWithRed · 12/11/2018 08:00

After we married DH Changed his mind on our agreement to start a family within two years of our wedding. I put him in your position - babies or I was off - and he chose babies. It was the wrong decision. I was unhappy in our marriage for lots of reasons but I always felt guilty that I had made him have children at a time he didn’t want to, which impacted a lot on our parenting.

naicepineapple · 12/11/2018 08:01

Leave now while you're only 25.
He 'hates marriage' and doesn't want children. This is a man that doesn't want to commit to you in any meaningful way. He won't change his mind so don't waste any more years with him.

RedDeadRoach · 12/11/2018 08:03

There are plenty of men out there who will have the same goals as you. Don't waste any more time on this one. You're not compatible.

averythinline · 12/11/2018 08:05

dump him you are not on teh same page with want you want from life.....in a way its good hes told you now...
your next bf may not be the one either - but what you do need is someone on teh same page..
I was in the one that didnt want kids at your age and split up with y then fiance - who was a lovely guy but we were not in teh same life space -
he met and married and had kids in the next couple of years, I was single for a few years more and then met dh
the timing is not right for this one....thats all its not a judgement on each other...

Ohyesiam · 12/11/2018 08:09

Op, I know this is so tough for you.
When I was 23 I met an amazing man who loved me in a way I didn’t think was possible, it was very healing, very beautiful.
When I was 25 he was killed in an accident. I thought I’d never love again, and that anyone else was a compromise.
I’ve now been married 15 years to the most fantastic man and have two lovely children.

25 is young, youhave so much life ahead of you. Don’t compromise on anything that’s always been important to you . X

MarthasGinYard · 12/11/2018 08:23

There's no 'compromise' to be had here.

You will live to resent and regret

Find the strength to move on

Shoxfordian · 12/11/2018 08:24

Yeah if you want to have children then you need to leave him

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/11/2018 08:25

Leave.

He’s keeping you until someone “better” comes along. When they do he’ll be married within 2 years.

CBA2RTFT · 12/11/2018 08:25

Thank goodness he laid his cards on the table while you were still quite young.
You have plenty of time to have the marriage and children you'd like with a nice, like-minded man. Your current relationship will bring you no happiness. Time to move on.

leiaskye · 12/11/2018 08:27

This is an awful decision for you, OP. But as others say you are only 25 so you have plenty of time to find someone else.

My husband and I have been married 15 years, together for 24 but after we'd been together for a couple of years, he announced he never wanted children.

I was heartbroken. By this time, we were living together and I was completely invested in the relationship. We broke up, but didn't actually move out of the house. We were tip-toeing round each other (in a very small house!).

After a couple of weeks, we talked again, he knew I would walk if he didn't change his mind. I have always wanted children so I wasn't going to.

He changed his mind, and we now have 2 beautiful girls. He is actually the better parent. It worked out for us.

Whatever you decide, it'll work out for you too.

Uggywuggy · 12/11/2018 08:29

I’ve been in your situation. Get out now.

Years later and I’m now happily married with a bub.

Merryoldgoat · 12/11/2018 08:30

He wants you to make hime centre of his world even if you did have a child he would leave you. He does not like sharing

I agree with this. He wants everything to be about him in his terms.

DO NOT stay with him and hope he changes his mind.

DO NOT get pregnant ‘accidentally’.

Take some time and really think about YOUR happiness. If you want children then he’s not the man for you.

You’re young - you’ve got loads of time to find the right person.

Troels · 12/11/2018 08:33

You don't want the same things in life. Move one and live the life you want.

Tokenorange · 12/11/2018 08:34

He hates marriage & he doesn't want kids? He's just not that into you, only he hasn't told you yet. Give him a few years and I wouldn't be surprised to hear he's jumped at marriage when another high-value woman comes along who makes it her line in the sand. I'd leave him & look elsewhere for someone more aligned to my values.

Uniquack · 12/11/2018 08:35

You're 25, you'll fall in love again, you've only been with him 2 years. Leave now before you find yourself ten years down the line still trying to persuade him - and he's 45 at that point - and you're seething with resentment at what you've missed out on.

This

You're way too young to waste your life and youth on a relationship that will ultimately only make you unhappy and resentful. I agree with the others - move on.

Original poster
Nicolita93 · 12/11/2018 08:36

We already live together and have been for over a year. We were talking about moving to a bigger house and he’s shut this down. Now I know why because more bedrooms symbolise babies. He’s had a lot of issues with the mother of his son and I believe this is what had caused the change of heart, I’m just lost in the middle right now

OP posts:
DailyMailWankers · 12/11/2018 08:39

Sorry OP. I have a friend who stayed in a situation like this. Years down the line the resentment has broken them up and sadly it is probably too late for her. It's not too late for you. Flowers

ResistanceIsNecessary · 12/11/2018 08:44

Being blunt - he's stringing you along.

You want to get married - he doesn't.
You want to have children - he doesn't.
You want to move to a bigger house to facilitate the family - he doesn't.

You aren't compatible. Do not throw your fertile years away on a man who doesn't want what you want.

It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story from the child's Mum. So often "had a lot of issues" turns out to be "doesn't like being told to step up and be a parent and contribute".

Mumsnut · 12/11/2018 08:48

I know several women who stuck with men who didn't want babies. All have regretted it

(Especially those who were traded in for a new model when they were about 40. Of course, these blokes then had children with the new wives).

JudasPrudy · 12/11/2018 08:51

He doesn't really love you - he doesn't care what you want. He is selfish and always will be. You know what to do.

gamerchick · 12/11/2018 08:51

There is no compromise. You need to choose and thankfully he's given you the gift of time rather than use up your childbearing years fobbing you off.