He’s now changed his mind

[Nicolita93]

So I’m 25 and have been with my partner for 2 years he’s 35. He has a child from a previous relationship who we have on the weekends and sometimes during the week.
He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

It was okay for him to have a child with someone he didn’t want to be with, but he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to share that happiness with me.

Any advice for anyone who’s been in this situation, I’m now made to pick between my dream or the man I love.

Help!

I had a friend (male) who was with an older woman. She didn't want kids. She left him for someone else when he was late 40s. He was so bitterly angry that he gave up kids for her. It really effected his mental health*

I have a friend in the same situation. Gave up having kids because his wife was older and already had 4. He brought hers up, she left him, then demanded that non of the (now adult kids) spoke to him because he wasn't their real dad.

Totally broke him. He could have kids now, but feels he is too old. He regrets it so much.

My best mate was in this situation. She spent years looking after her partners children, knowing he would never marry her or have children with her.

After seven years he left her for a young woman at work, married her and had children.

Bin him.

when a man says he doesnt want marriage and babies, what he means is that he doesnt want them with you

Sometimes that's the case, but not always. In fairness to OP's partner, he's told her what he does (not) want. At least he's been honest about it

Usually, when a man says he doesn't want marriage, what he actually means is that he doesn't want to feel tied down to one woman, and have to split assets when he finds another woman he wants to be with.

It's much easier to keep your options open if you're not married and have kids.

He doesn't love you like you think he does OP.

Don't waste your time with this man, he's not the one for you. He's only with you now, because you're handy to have. Someone to share the bills with, sex on tap, and help with his child when he has the child over.

Being blunt - he's stringing you along.

No he isn't. He has been very clear that he does not want marriage or children. Yes, he changed his mind on the latter but that is his right.

It is, of course, also the right of the OP to leave him, and this is what she should do if she wants children. Given that she's still young and there's a 10 year age difference there's a good chance this relationship won't last anyway. She has plenty of time to find a man who wants the same things in life as she does.

He’s had a lot of issues with the mother of his son and I believe this is what had caused the change of heart

Sorry, OP but I don't buy that. He has admitted that he regrets his own child. Even if his ex is a complete nightmare, I don't think she can be blamed for him wishing his own son didn't exist. That's entirely his issue and I'd be very interested to hear her side of the story.

Two years may seem like a long time to have invested in a relationship but it's actually a very short time out of your life. Better you find out now that you don't want the same things than ten years down the line.

Male friend above didn't give up kids, he is lucky and can still have them. Late forties is okay for men.

It is if he can find a (much) younger woman willing to have his babies. The internet is heaving with men in their 40s and 50s panicking that they've left it too late and looking for younger women. Most of them end up frustrated.

Besides, even if they can find a woman, a lot of men simply wouldn't want to be running after a toddler at the age of 50.

To add to my last post, my knobhead ex and I did discuss kids in the first couple months of being together: I told him I wanted them and wanted to start trying in a couple of years, and he said he wanted that too. Then we shelved it. Two years go by, time came to start trying and he had changed his mind and no longer wanted them then or maybe not at all.

I thought I’d done it ‘right’ and only got serious with him knowing we had discussed kids and agreed on a time frame and still it went wrong, he basically faked wanting them to make sure I stayed with him. I should really have seen the signs he didn’t and was just playing along (I was much more enthusiastic than him, he never brought it up, hated holding friends’ babies etc) but I trusted him and was an idiot.

Sounds like your DP has done the same: faked wanting the future you said you wanted. Now you’re invested and in love he’s telling you his true feelings. Have the self respect to walk away. It’s immensly cruel to string someone along for years saying you want the same thing as them only to turn around at the end and reveal you don’t after all, knowing your partner could have been free the whole time to meet someone who actually does share their goals for the future.

When I found out he didn’t wanna try for a baby and he’d been lying the entire time I lost so much respect for him overnight as a partner and a man, it made it very easy for me to move on. He just transformed in my eyes into an immature little boy who either didn’t know what he wanted or knew full well and was happy to mislead me to be with him. I lost all desire for him and it was a huge relief when we broke up even though it hurt. And on the second date with my now OH I laid my cards on the table: ‘I’m 28, my last relationship ended for this reason, I want kids and to try within the next 2-3 years. If that’s not what you see happening in your life if we end up together that’s totally fine, we can be friends’. OH was like ‘yep sounds great if this goes somewhere, I love kids and have always wanted them’, the issue had been discussed and the pressure was off and we got to know each other knowing that if we were compatible and did fall in love we weren’t wasting our time.

Never be afraid to ‘scare someone off’ by making your desires clear OP. If it scares a guy off that’s GOOD. Your goal isn’t to appeal to everyone. It’s to find that one man who wants the same as you and would be thrilled to get to do it all with you by their side. In my view, even though I absolutely wasn’t saying ‘hi new guy, let’s make a baby’ (which would have obviously been nuts) , if I’d told him my feelings on a timeline of having a family and he wasn’t keen that’s a great result as we could part ways and I’d be free to meet the right person for me. I did not want to end up in another multi year relationship that would ultimately go nowhere with the most fertile years of my life slipping away!

OP I know how you feel, and I advise you not to compromise on your goals. I was engaged to a man when I was a similar age to you - he then did an about turn and said the same, he no longer wanted to have children, which was something we had discussed many times.
Turned out he wanted out altogether, he just wanted me to be the one to do the leaving. He married the girl he was cheating on me with, I know because he asked for my ring back to propose! Classy.

He has told you clearly that he doesn't want children, you clearly do at some stage. This is a deal breaker. Move on. I think he's quite vile to say he wishes he had not had his son.

As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him.

To me this is also then saying he's realised a baby with you would be a mistake, fallen out of love? Serious talks would be had if this was me.

Never EVER choose a man over having children. Never. I was in your position when I was 24. My then husband sprang on me that he didn't want, and had never wanted, children. It would have been nice if he'd told me before we married! I kicked him out (there were other reasons to end the marriage, too) and never looked back. I've been married to now DH over 30 years and have two grown sons. The first born when I was 28. So it is NOT the end of the world for you. Just the end of what you planned with him.

I don't think he's particularly selfish for not wanting children. Many people don't. And we really don't know the circumstances that led to the birth of his child. Maybe he agreed to have the child, maybe it was a 'surprise'. Bottom line is, he doesn't want any more children. He's entitled to make that decision for himself.

And he may very well love the OP. You can love someone very much and still have goals and plans that do not (for lack of a better word) 'mesh' with your partner's goals and plans. But when that happens, the relationship needs to end.

There are plenty more fish in the sea than ever came out of it, OP. Time to move on and find someone who does want the same things you do. Don't waste anymore of your precious time trying to change this one's mind.

You should never give up what you want for another man. They are rarely worth it. My ex had a shitty childhood so didn't want marriage. Can't remember re children. We got engaged. He had no intention of marrying me. I told everyone, and myself, living with him was better than not having him at all. Eventually due to shitty stuff I left him. I took the cat . At the end of my first date with my next boyfriend I asked him if he wanted marriage and kids. Didn't want to waste another two years and wasn't willing to give up marriage or kids. We were married after he qualified and have several kids.

I'd leave.

No one should have a child without the marriage first and it's funny how it's always, mostly, women compromising and awful how men think a marriage is more of a tie than a child.

I know at least two women who had a child, the man left and immediately hooked up with someone else and had kids, but didn't leave. Perhaps he's trying to tell you to go without being the one to break up. You deserve better, it's out there.

I do think the OP should leave her DP and move on. However, the responses to this thread are such a contrast to a thread a few months back where a DH was pressuring his DW to having more kids (they had one already I think). The overwhelming response on that thread was that the DH needed to back-off and adjust his mindset to just having the one. Nobody suggested to that OP that she should let her DH runfree to procreate. I realise that the circumstances are a little different in that the OP has no children & was promised them. I'm just noting the contrast in public sympathy on MN for a woman's desire for extended parenthood versus a mans.

That’s a pointless comparison, as it would be the WOMAN that would be carrying the baby, with all the impacts on HER body, going through the birth, with all the risks and finally doing most of the hands on care. Of course there are the odd exceptions where a man does some or indeed most of the care, but it’s usual the woman.

Acrossthepond

I kicked him out (there were other reasons to end the marriage, too)

Good for you! What was his response?

@Postively......preface this with point that OP should leave her DP! But No! It is not a pointless argument. Parenthood can be a strong self actualising desire for both men and women - why more one than the other?? That's an individual thing, not gender based. Women have given birth since the beginning of time....you're talking to one whose belly looks like a lost game of noughts and crosses btw!

The responses on threads where a man wants the child are very "your womb your choice"..... and I agree with that. It's just that nobody says "too bad, his dick his choice" ....do they? This man has led the OP up the garden path no doubt. But I'm just saying massive sympathy for women and nothing for blokes.

This man has led the OP up the garden path no doubt.

He hasn't. They've only been together 2 years and he has made it clear to her that he now does not want children. It's not one of those cases where the man - or the woman - says "Oh sure I want kids but maybe next year" - and then when he or she is 40 and they've been together 10 years, suddenly says they never wanted children after all.

The OP now knows how her boyfriend feels - it's up to her what she decides to do about it.

OP, I’d be very interested to hear if you live in his house? Do you pay rent? How much care do you provide for his child? How much housework do you do?

I don’t think it’s rare for men to move in a woman to basically provide childcare, cleaning and sexual services all whilst paying rent, whilst offering them nothing in return. I hope that’s not the case here.

Everything seems to be on his terms. It's up to you whether you go along with it or not.

Did he change his mind or did he future fake you in the hopes that you would prioritise his needs over yours? Throw this one back, this sadly won’t be isolated behaviour.

He certainly has led OP up the garden path, telling her he wants kids and discussing their names and what they’d look like, only to turn around two years in and say he doesn’t want them after all. I doubt he changed his mind, I can’t see someone being that enthusiastic about children with OP doing a volte-face in such a short space of time.

I'm just noting the contrast in public sympathy on MN for a woman's desire for extended parenthood versus a mans.

I don’t think anybody would suggest OP’s DP should have a kid he doesn’t want. If he doesn’t want a child then 100% they should not have a child. You can’t compromise by having a baby one person doesn’t want. It’s cruel to the potential child to have them with a father that doesn’t want them and actively regrets his existing child. Choosing a good father is one of the most important things you can do for your future child.

Most of the criticism is because he has led OP on and told her he wants kids and then all of a sudden reneged on that, I’m certain he was lying about wanting them as I’ve said above. That’s horrible behaviour. But of course it’s his right to not want kids and I’m glad he’s told OP now and not strung her along for more years. At this stage if OP stays with him she’s doing so in full acceptance of the fact she will never have children as long as the relationship lasts, and will be making that conscious decision. She has knowledge now, knowledge is power. If she chooses to stay she’s choosing to forgo children and she can make that decision if she likes.

I'm just noting the contrast in public sympathy on MN for a woman's desire for extended parenthood versus a mans.

That's just whataboutery. This is net. The clue is in the name. Start another thread on that topic if you like.

Sometimes they do change their minds, or can be persuaded, but it isn’t necessarily for the best.

Another story to add to all the pp’s. A friend of mine was with her boyfriend for about fifteen years. It was a bit on and off, and he was always adamant he wasn’t interested in marriage and kids. He didn’t like responsibility, or the pressure to be a provider.

Eventually he married her, after a lot of nagging from my friend, and after much persuasion they had dc. He loves his dc, and he loves his wife, but he uses his reticence to have kids as a get out clause for any aspects of parenting he’s not keen on. “You wanted them” was his retort when she was on her knees with sleep deprivation when they were babies - he didn’t help with any night feeds. He maintained his hobbies, going away regularly for weekends and leaving her alone with the dc.

She’s still the main breadwinner, whilst also in charge of the whole mental load that dc involve. He is slightly less feckless than he used to be, and their marriage has lasted, but the buck always stops with her when parenting gets difficult because ‘she wanted them’.

That’s not a marriage that I would want.