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Original poster

He’s now changed his mind

158 replies

Nicolita93 · 12/11/2018 07:54

So I’m 25 and have been with my partner for 2 years he’s 35. He has a child from a previous relationship who we have on the weekends and sometimes during the week.
He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

It was okay for him to have a child with someone he didn’t want to be with, but he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to share that happiness with me.

Any advice for anyone who’s been in this situation, I’m now made to pick between my dream or the man I love.

Help!

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 12/11/2018 09:51

OP, this is a hard decision, but as others have said, its a simple one.

Either stay with him and forget children, or leave to find someone who does want children.

And, if you sit down to have a talk with him about this, do NOT listen to any vague promises about him "I'll think about it", or anything along those lines. This will be him still trying to string you along.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/11/2018 09:52

There are many women on here who didn't get married and/ or have DC with their partners because it is not what the DP wanted. The partner then went on to meet someone and get married very quickly and have DC

I was the wife! Him and his ex were on and off for years because she was convinced that eventually she would get the ring and the baby. During one of their "offs" we got together (I didnt find out about all this until much later) and within 3 years we were married with a child. She was heartbroken and the reason I found out was because she started bombarding us both with messages asking what was so special about me that he would marry me but not her. As it turns out, we are now divorcing and she dodged a big bullet.......

OutPinked · 12/11/2018 09:54

Many people have been in this situation unfortunately and there’s absolutely no compromise. The only real ‘solution’ is for one of you to do something you don’t wish to do and of course that isn’t fair on that person or a perspective child.

You are still more than young enough to find someone else to settle down with. I would advise finding someone who doesn’t have previous children.

nevermorelenore · 12/11/2018 09:57

*I know several women who stuck with men who didn't want babies. All have regretted it

(Especially those who were traded in for a new model when they were about 40. Of course, these blokes then had children with the new wives).*

God yes, this. Tale as old as time.

Gweipo · 12/11/2018 10:00

champion

Not quite. I was more thinking along the lines of relegating him to "right now boyfriend". He is using her so why can't she use him back? Of course, it would be better to dump him outright. I just think she doesn't owe him any favours.

avocadoincident · 12/11/2018 10:01

You must try to have children. This is your one go at living your life. You want babies so do not compromise, be strong and take control of the situation. Begin by investigating what your housing options are so that when you tell him that you are leaving you are ready and prepared for the next step. He presumed you will just suck it up and stay. He will be shocked by your strength and organisation. If you are holding out that he will change his mind then you will see if he does. He will know you mean business as you leave to live in your new place. Then go out out out with your girlfriends, enjoy your new freedom and become happy again. Then the rest will fall into place.
Good luck lovely Thanks

Stompythedinosaur · 12/11/2018 10:02

That's an unresolvabkr issue. I think you need to leave him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/11/2018 10:05

Even if you forsake children and marriage to be with him he's shown a side that I really wouldn't like.

How do you move on from that? How do you ever see him in the same light? I don't think you could personally.

I would sit down again and talk it through and if he's still adamant he doesn't want children with you then personally I would get out.

You're 25, your whole life ahead of you.

HeckyPeck · 12/11/2018 10:07

If you are holding out that he will change his mind then you will see if he does.

He already wishes his current kid didn’t exist. Even if he changed his mind he wouldn’t really mean it.

museumum · 12/11/2018 10:15

It doesn't matter how much you love him or he you, the important thing is that you do not have a shared vision of the future. That will never end well.

Please leave him. I know it's hard but it's not the life you want. He doesn't want to be married or have more children, he's with you right now cause that suits him but he's not thinking of a family and you are. You are young enough to have that dream still so do not give it up.

Franinipancake · 12/11/2018 10:19

I have a friend who was in exactly your situation and stayed hoping he would change his mind. She gave him an ultimatum 10 years down the line, by which point she was in her late thirties. He still didn't want children he said. She broke the relationship up at that point, still hoping he'd come back agreeing to having kids, but he didn't and she's never had children. Within 2 years though he was married to someone else and now has children too.

I think your DP is using his relationship with his ex as an excuse to get him out of any sort of commitment. How convenient that his relationship was so terrible that he now hates the idea of marriage. What has his experience of having a bad relationship or a child with her got to do with his relationship with you? He's using this to string you along.

My experience is that when you're tying yourself up in knots trying to create an acceptable narrative to explain someone's behaviour: "He’s had a lot of issues with the mother of his son and I believe this is what had caused the change of heart" it's a massive red flag that things aren't right.

ImNotKitten · 12/11/2018 10:19

Hope you’re ok OP Flowers

I agree with PPs. You’re still so young, get out now and meet someone who shares your vision for the future.

wellhonestly · 12/11/2018 10:21

In my late teens/early twenties I was involved with and lived in rented flats with a similarly young man, who said v early on he didn't want marriage (advised by his dad who btw was a very respectable man, married with a family of 4) . Because I was so young, it didn't seem v relevant to me at first. However I just progressively became more and more offended that I was not deemed "good enough" to marry. In the end the relationship just wasn't going anywhere (where could it go???), I went right off him and we split up. I didn't try and persuade him about marrying - if they don't want to, they don't want to, and it seemed to me that if you had to wheedle it was a Bad Thing.

He married someone else not very long after, that he met through his work, who already had 3 children of her own. She very much called the shots on getting married, because of her children, which I can understand. But they divorced after a couple of years. I remember thinking: "should've married me, you twerp".

It was a long hard road for me after we split up - I had a few nice relationships (and a few dodgy ones that I curtailed very quickly!) but nothing that ever made me want to settle down. However, I then met my now-husband, we have been married for 20 years now and have two children.

What I mean is: let him make his mistakes, but you go and find your life.

sonandhelpneeded · 12/11/2018 10:22

@Nicolita93 this thread must make really hard reading, I feel very sorry for you. But PPs are right, don't waste years on this man. Please finish it and move on.

Thanks
mytieisascarf · 12/11/2018 10:27

I know a woman who is having counselling and on medication because she got to 45 and realised she should have left her partner years ago and had the family she always wanted but he didn't. She can't forgive herself.

Really think hard about what you want - some counselling might help you. But your needs are worth just as much as his - please don't be a woman who puts her partners needs first to the detriment of her own mental health.

E20mom · 12/11/2018 10:38

You have to tell him it's a deal breaker for you and if that's still his decision then you'd be better off leaving him. You'd regret it in 20 yrs if not.

Gemini69 · 12/11/2018 10:39

I agree with everyone on here OP.. you need to ask him to leave... or you leave.. but this man does not want the same future you want.. Flowers

Antigon · 12/11/2018 10:41

I wonder how many of the problems with ex were caused by him? Be wary of believing everything he says.

He caught you hook line and sinker with a form of future-faking (I.e. Promising kids) and now that he thinks he has you, he can tell you he doesn't want kids.

OP, it will hurt to leave him, but it will hurt a damn sight more when he falls in love with someone else in 5 years and has babies with her. That's happened many times.

user1486915549 · 12/11/2018 10:45

Please listen to everyone on this thread.
I wasted 12 years in a similar situation. When I met my DH I realised good relationships were simple , not a constant struggle.
And please don’t have babies ( accidental or otherwise) with someone who wishes his only child didn’t exist.

IBlameJulieBindel · 12/11/2018 10:46

I had a baby with someone I 'cajoled' (read nagged and whined at) for years because I wanted children. I was about the same age as you. Wish I hadn't. Baby was great. Life was utterly not great and I ended up leaving and looking for love in the future, but this time with a young child. I doubt you actually want advice (not trying to be offensive at all, honest), you're really hoping someone will tell you it'll work out if you just do this or that. Strike for freedom now and find someone excellent for a life in which you get to enjoy the pregnancy, share your excitement at the baby (which, trust me, is not going to happen with this knuckleheid), and cherish you. Can't tell you how lonely it is to be pregnant and all happy and spending every day with someone that more or less plays along, but really you're on your own with it all. I have that now (hallelujah) and the last 20 years have been epic, but how I wish I'd just waited to find it rather than pushing something that was broken. Lots of people gave me this advice and I listened to none of it. Not expecting you too, but sending my thoughts and very best wishes to you. xx

CottonTailRabbit · 12/11/2018 11:02

I don't think he has changed his mind. He never wanted the future you want. He might have played along a bit when it was hypothetical.

Like when DH and I spent hours happily discussing buying a bit of a local farm and what we'd do with it but when the reality became possible we both went "um, actually, no".

He never wanted children. He doesn't want to be married. He doesn't mind living with you. I expect that's easy and has all kinds of perks.

You seem to be coming at this from the point of view that of course he really wants to marry you and have children but he is damaged by the past, maybe you can "fix" him into wanting what you want. No. Listen to him. Listen to what he really really wants. Put aside convincing him he is wrong and your way is right. Just look at the reality of him.

From the little you've written it is clear he wants very different things from his future. Which is fine. He is a 35 yo divorced father. You are a 25 yo single childless woman.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/11/2018 11:25

It also speaks to his arrogance, he's telling you this because he thinks you love him more than you love yourself. That his wishes will became your wishes.

His arrogance his a real turn off.

Tinkobell · 12/11/2018 11:29

Do you not feel that he at least owes you a full and proper explanation for the change of heart OP?

BitterLemonTart · 12/11/2018 11:33

Deal breaker. He's letting you know now and giving you the chance to respond. Honestly, I would leave.

You are 25, please move on as heart-breaking as it might be.
If you want kids it's something you should never compromise on. You also don't want kids with someone who doesn't. Either by accident or if he grudgingly agrees. This is not fair on anyone.

I had a friend (male) who was with an older woman. She didn't want kids. She left him for someone else when he was late 40s. He was so bitterly angry that he gave up kids for her. It really effected his mental health. He struggles daily with the sacrifice he made for her.
Flowers for you, hope you find the strength to make the right choice.

flirtygirl · 12/11/2018 11:45

Male friend above didn't give up kids, he is lucky and can still have them. Late forties is okay for men.