He’s now changed his mind

[Nicolita93]

So I’m 25 and have been with my partner for 2 years he’s 35. He has a child from a previous relationship who we have on the weekends and sometimes during the week.
He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

It was okay for him to have a child with someone he didn’t want to be with, but he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to share that happiness with me.

Any advice for anyone who’s been in this situation, I’m now made to pick between my dream or the man I love.

Help!

I have read it. As the OP says, he's entitled to change his mind. It's not nice but if he doesn't want kids, then he doesn't want kids. The op is young enough to start again.

@antigon he is my world. I don’t have a great family (in touch but I left home at 15 due to serious issues) and he is the kindest and most loving and supportive man. It would be a huge risk to walk away (and it would break my heart). I just wish there was a solution. He is absolutely definite in his view and I try to understand that his experience with his ex after babies was not good but I am not her. I would not behave in the same way. Thank you so much for allowing me to talk and think about this. I have a tendency to keep the desire for kids hidden. I think most people think I must be infertile when I answer ‘sadly I don’t have children’.

I was with a man for almost 3 years that didn't want kids. I loved him so much I thought I could change his mind. I obviously couldn't and he left me one day, completely out of the blue. I was crushed. I thought I'd never get over it and it was a hard few months.
But I'm now 25 weeks pregnant with a man who wants this just as much as I do, who wants the same things from life as I do and who just "fits" better with me.
The best thing that could ever have happened to me was my ex leaving me. If your dream is to be a mum, don't give that up. There's so many men that would want the same thing. It'll be a weird and sad time at first, but you'll look back and be so glad you didn't give up the life you wanted for someone who didn't want the same.

Doone - I'm glad it's helping you to talk about this. I think you should start a thread in Relationships, you'll get a lot of support.

I can't help thinking that the kindest, mostly loving and supportive man would realise you're not like his ex and would want to make you happy. Do you feel like that?

Have you tried suggesting counselling?

I also think it's dangerous to make him your world. You need to make your world wider, in case you are no longer together or something happens to him (God forbid).

Well, he's got it made hasn't he OP?

Much younger girlfriend for companionship, to split living costs with- and best of all, you spend your weekends and evening providing childcare for his child that he tells you he doesn't want anymore. He kept up the pretence for long enough to reel you in- now he thinks he's got you sufficiently in his grasp, he 'changes his mind' about wanting a family with you.

He's banking on you dithering and sticking around long enough to provide the childcare he needs - once his child is old enough to no longer need childcare (or perhaps when he's found someone else willing to give up their own life ambitions for him) he can move on.

Don't over-estimate your importance in this man's life. You are currently very convenient. Now that you are making noises about commitment and babies, he is seeking to put you in what he considers to be your place.

Doonethingniceaday I don't really have anything helpful or constructive to add, but I'm feeling sad for you. I guess I think you need some support to at the very least talk it through, because it seems you're pushing it down and I doubt that that's helpful long term.

Thank you @antigon and @onalongsabbatical for understanding it is difficult and suggesting how I move forward. I don’t want to distract from the OP’s question. I just want her to make the best decision for her.

Counselling might be a good idea but I don’t have very much faith in counselling after a few useless experiences.

Doonethingniceaday why don't you start up a thread in relationships like antigon suggested? It's just a space to get some input and support and might help? Your feelings have been triggered by this thread and it'd be hard to pack them all up again and carry on.
Counselling's a big decision and not one you need to make right now if you can get some space to discuss on mumsnet.