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Original poster

He’s now changed his mind

158 replies

Nicolita93 · 12/11/2018 07:54

So I’m 25 and have been with my partner for 2 years he’s 35. He has a child from a previous relationship who we have on the weekends and sometimes during the week.
He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

It was okay for him to have a child with someone he didn’t want to be with, but he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to share that happiness with me.

Any advice for anyone who’s been in this situation, I’m now made to pick between my dream or the man I love.

Help!

OP posts:
KM99 · 12/11/2018 09:20

OP, I'm so sorry he's pulled the rug out from under you like that. Going from dreaming about your children to telling you he's changed his mind. He's entitled to do that but you are also entitled to try for the life you want.

If it were me I'd be sitting him down for a serious talk. Explain that given his change of heart you don't see how things can carry on as you want children.

The good news is as many have said you are young. You have time to end this relationship if that's the path you take and not feel pressure to rush into something new.

Good luck x

RoboticMary · 12/11/2018 09:24

Compromise in any relationship is tough, and sometimes there is no compromise. This is one of those situations. You don’t want the same things in life - don’t waste another minute on him, and hold out for someone who’s on the same page as you. What you want, your BF can’t give you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/11/2018 09:26

Oh dear.

Sad;y when a man says he doesnt want marriage and babies, what he means is that he doesnt want them with you. At some point in the next ten years he will get married and have babies, but you wont unless you leave him and find someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved.

There are people out there, mainly men but some women too, who will string along a partner until their "forever" person comes along, simply because they cannot be on their own. Its cruel and nasty and they only way to survive it is to take back the control and walk away.

ThatOneHurt · 12/11/2018 09:30

Sad;y when a man says he doesnt want marriage and babies, what he means is that he doesnt want them with you.

Wow, what a unnecessary and cruel thing to say.

And utterly untrue.
Not every man wants kids. I know plenty of men in their 50's that are childless (women too, both out of choice!).
Not everyone wants babies. And to tell the OP that it's her that's the issue is just ridiculous.

dangerrabbit · 12/11/2018 09:30

Stay with him if you think you can share his values, if not: leave.

He probably thinks he has reeled you in long enough that you’re going to stay with him now due to the sunk costs fallacy which is why he chose to lay his cards on the table at this stage.

You still have lots of opportunity for marriage and babies with someone else that does actually want this, and the sooner you leave this timewaster the sooner you can crack on with it.

Cromercrab · 12/11/2018 09:31

Naice, you may be right. But the reason I wanted to marry this man and have him become the father of my son was because I knew he was an absolutely first-class bloke. But I wasn't going to simply sit there and get older when I knew that I also was a good catch (and that included a beautiful child). So I did what I did and it worked out brilliantly. It may not work out for the OP with this man - I suspect it won't. But she isn't going to find out by sitting still and getting older.

nakedscientist · 12/11/2018 09:31

Oh OP my lovely sister wasted 10 years on a man just like this. It's now too late for her to have kids and she's so so sad.

EdisonLightBulb · 12/11/2018 09:32

If you were my daughter or son (mine are in their 20s too) I would tell them what other people have told you. You are young, you will grieve but you will get over the heartbreak of leaving him.

If you want children you are unlikely to ever get over the heartbreak of not having them.

Butterymuffin · 12/11/2018 09:33

No way should you miss out on having children if you want them. Don't settle for this man.

Singlenotsingle · 12/11/2018 09:35

You're still so young. Plenty of time to find a man who wants the same things that you do. With this one, someone's going to end up compromising a step too far, and unhappy and resentful.

WitchesWeb · 12/11/2018 09:36

He doesn't really love you - he doesn't care what you want. He is selfish and always will be.

Why exactly is it selfish to not want DC?

Nobody should be forced into decisions they don't want.

It is just as much his right to not want DC and marriage as it is OPs to want them.

Not wanting them doesn't make someone selfish.

Nice to see how some on this thread view those that decide not to have DC though.

HeckyPeck · 12/11/2018 09:36

Leave now while you're only 25.
He 'hates marriage' and doesn't want children. This is a man that doesn't want to commit to you in any meaningful way. He won't change his mind so don't waste any more years with him.

This.

MistressDeeCee · 12/11/2018 09:37

Hates marriage, doesn't want children, his child comes at weekends so I assume you spend time with his child.

I hope you leave him OP. You don't have the same life goals. No man is worth spending your 1 life hanging around for

it doesn't matter what the issues are with his child's mum does it..? You are surely not there to do penance for her doings. What's clear is he doesn't want to settle down into a life with you, and is making excuses. Those excuses include blindsiding you and conveniently blaming his ex

You are a decade younger than him. Leave, go out there be young live your life, someone else will come along when you are ready.

Leave this man alone. He's not the only man in the world. Women get by without men like this.

ittakes2 · 12/11/2018 09:37

I'm sorry but is there a chance he has changed his mind in general about having a future with you? You are so young - the world is waiting for you to discover it.

Thehop · 12/11/2018 09:38

Walk away. You’ll never be okay with being childless. You’re young enough to start afresh with someone who’d be proud to have you as his wife and the mother of his children.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/11/2018 09:40

to tell the OP that it's her that's the issue is just ridiculous

Where did I say that?!

Its him thats the problem. I have had my own experiences of men like this, they dont want to be on their own so they find a "Miss Right Now" and string her along with future faking until he finds the one he wants to marry. Its cruel and selfish and a horrible thing to do to someone, but people like that dont care about anyone else but themselves.

ElspethFlashman · 12/11/2018 09:42

Every day you spend with him now will be a waste of your time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/11/2018 09:43

And "Hates" marriage? What is there about marriage to hate?

You can hate being married to a particular person, you can disagree with the concept of marriage as a whole, you can feel that being tied to one person is not for you, but to hate it when its existence doesnt impact on you in anway?

Thats a massive red flag

HeckyPeck · 12/11/2018 09:43

Walk away. You’ll never be okay with being childless.

Being a childless step parent would make it even harder OP. You’d have to watch him be a parent but never get that joy yourself.

Plus even if you could convince him, he already wishes his son didn’t exist. Don’t inflict that kind of parent on your future child!

Gweipo · 12/11/2018 09:44

when a man says he doesnt want marriage and babies, what he means is that he doesnt want them with you

This is TRUE. There are many women on here who didn't get married and/ or have DC with their partners because it is not what the DP wanted. The partner then went on to meet someone and get married very quickly and have DC.

he loves me more than anything

No, he loves himself more. What he wants is more important than your dreams. Of course he loves you more than anything. He was 33 and you were 23 when you met. He has a hot, young woman on his arm. No offence but it is true. I would stick with him for a good time whilst keeping my eye out for my life partner. One who will want children and want to offer us security through marriage.

championquartz · 12/11/2018 09:45

Just echoing everyone's advice here.
Leave him at it.

Interesting how he felt secure enough to 'announce' his decision, pretty much without discussion. Trying to make you the 'compromiser'.
Sorry OP, but that doesn't auger well.

And I hate to say it, but is there any chance he's met/involved with someone else?

OneStepMoreFun · 12/11/2018 09:46

You're very young still. You have plenty of healthy years ahead to have a child, if all goes well. Don't waste them with a man who would do this to you. He's being selfish. He wants your undivided attention and doesn't care how it impacts on you. But at least he's been honest, so you can decide what you want.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/11/2018 09:47

My friend spent 10 years with a guy. She wanted marriage and babies, he knew that. He moved 300 miles away, so she was ready to follow up, giving everything up. He led her to believe their new house was their family home, space for kids.

One day, he tells her that he doesnt want marriage and kids. So my friend leaves, luckily before she gave her job to be with him.

Within 3 years of them splitting, he's married to someone else.

Luckily, my friend also met someone new and she's now married and they are ttc.

Dont waste your good years on someone who wont change their mind. You are still young enough to start again.

championquartz · 12/11/2018 09:47

Gweipo are you suggesting that OP stays in an unhealthy relationship while she shops around for a healthier one?
Why would she do something as destructive to herself as that? That sounds quite miserable. I disagree completely, I think that would be a terrible mistake.

BrokenWing · 12/11/2018 09:49

Sorry OP, at least he's told you rather than string you along for years then tell you (assuming he is still looking for a long term relationship with you and not using as an excuse to bail).

Decision time now. Leave ASAP, don't waste anymore time, and give yourself time to heal and move on, or risk staying and resentment building slowly over years until it destroys your relationship.