He’s now changed his mind

[Nicolita93]

So I’m 25 and have been with my partner for 2 years he’s 35. He has a child from a previous relationship who we have on the weekends and sometimes during the week.
He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

It was okay for him to have a child with someone he didn’t want to be with, but he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to share that happiness with me.

Any advice for anyone who’s been in this situation, I’m now made to pick between my dream or the man I love.

Help!

OP - you are very young. At 25 you have time to meet someone else and have the children you want to have. But, at the same time, be mindful of the fact that the next decade, your best “window of time” to have children, will pass very quickly. Do NOT WASTE that time with this man.

I know soooo many women who have been in this situation - wasted the best years of their lives with men who didn’t want to commit in any way, who wanted their freedom, and in many cases, wanted to see if someone better turned up!

Listen to what he is saying and take it seriously.

Definitely leave him. This relationship is over anyway if you disagree on something so fundamental as children. No man is worth giving up your chance to have a family if that’s important to you.

You might as well be the one to leave, you’ll feel great and in control. There’s no way this can last. You’re young but you’ll be surprised how fast the years slip away if you stay with him. He’s 35, already has a child, he tells a 25 year old who wants marriage and a family he doesn’t want it and expects you’ll stay? He’s either deluded or doesn’t really care enough either way if he’s so happy to risk losing you.

He’s being very honest which is good, now you get to decide if you want what he’s offering.

I was in a similar position at 28, found out my partner of two years didn’t want kids any time soon or maybe not at all, it was hard but we broke up, it was his decision and although it hurt I was quickly relieved and very thankful he made that decision as if I’d stayed with him beyond the initial fear of losing him I’d have resented him deeply.

I met my OH a few weeks later (!), we hit it off, talked about our goals early on in the dating process and we’ve now been together over two years, in the process of buying our first house (been living together a year) and have a date for trying to conceive next year and an agreement on when we’d like to marry. It’s been so effortless and easy. I’m well aware anything can go wrong and made the conscious decision not to rush things with my OH but I’m in a much better relationship for my life goals now than I was 2.5 years ago and we are so happy. When you meet someone who wants the same as you and is as delighted at the idea being your husband and having your child as you are you’ll look back and wonder how you wasted your time with a man who’s on a totally different page to you.

Good men who want marriage and kids are out there, you don’t have one, leave and be very clear on what you want when you start to meet people and date again. I know it hurts right now but you’ll look back and see this as a lucky escape.

How does he describe his vision of the future? Is it all negative? Does he enthusiastically say 'I don't want children because I want to travel the world with you' or similar.

If it's all about what he doesn't want you need him to describe the future and see if you want to be a part of it.

As others have said please don't think he'll change his mind back. Think carefully before having children without marriage (because that's a big part of your vision to give up) or having children with someone who is just doing it to please you.

Sorry op - that’s really hard. You’re in the unenviable position of having to decide what you care about more - him, or having children. There’s no easy answer - just lots of soul searching

I don't think this is too hard a decision OP. I might suggest that something's recently happened (possibly financial with ex wife) that's sparked this change in him. But Really that's by the by. Having a child together requires so much genuine commitment to do it well, if he's saying no, just leave and move on. DONT dawdle and waste time or think you can talk him round........Motherhood is brilliant please don't miss out while you have the chance!

"I'm just lost in the middle right now.' Sounds like you may be thinking that if he 'just' sorts out the 'issues' with the mother of his child, his previous partner, he'll see the light and get back on track for house, marriage, children with you. Listen to what he is telling you, OP: he doesn't want more children, he doesn't want to marry.

Look, there is one possibility: I was married, had a child with that man, husband died. Met a wonderful man, wanted to marry him and provide a secure future for my son. But he was reluctant to take on the responsibility of marriage and a child. So I left, moved abroad to take up a good job opportunity and give my child the chance of a bilingual education. At which point, my lovely bloke realised what he'd lost and decided he did want marriage and to become the legal father.

12 years on we're very happily married, great family life. So if you really want this bloke, I suggest you leave. If he wants you, he'll come after you on your terms. But right now, you are providing everything he wants by staying.

Right now, you are wasting your 20's on someone who doesn't have the same goals as you. Oh, and I did that too! That's why I refused to do it again.

You've come on here for advice, OP: can you take it?

He would marry and have children with the right person, sadly not you. Leave him and watch - he'll be married within 5 years

"He’s had a lot of issues with the mother of his son and I believe this is what had caused the change of heart, I’m just lost in the middle right now"

That's just the excuse, it's not the real reason. People who Really want children don't decide against it based on reasons like that. I doubt very much that he's ever truly wanted more children, he just led you on so you wouldn't leave. Now he's hoping you're too invested in the relationship to leave.

@Cromercrab I'm not sure that's always great advice tbh.
A family member of mine had been with her OH for a long time and they were getting older so she strongly hinted at marriage and children. He dragged his feet so she asked him to move out. He quickly changed his mind and they got married then pregnant very quickly afterwards. He started cheating on her when the baby was a newborn. Scum bag obviously resented the responsibility and lack of attention.
I agree some men may need a little persuasion but I think if they're completely strong armed then it will not make for a happy marriage and family life.

He’s had a lot of issues with the mother of his son and I believe this is what had caused the change of heart

I don't believe that for a second.

So, according to him, your life from now on consists of centering him and the child he's had with somebody else.

He gets to have it all, and you have nothing.

You only have his word for it that he was never in love with the mother of his child. Even if that's true, what does that have to do with you and what you want from your life?

Bet he hasn't had a vasectomy - he'll be keeping his options open in case he wants a baby later on when he meets a super-model.

My friend was in a similar situation to you. Her husband had 3 children from a previous relationship and said from the start that he didn’t want any more. At the beginning while they were just having fun it didn’t matter but as time went on I was worrying about her, eventually she said they’d have to go their seperate ways because it was a deal breaker. He said he’d have one more but that was it. She was happy with that so it all worked out for them in the end.

I’m so sorry you’ve ended up in this position and I hope it all works out 💐

Can you live without children of your own? ..
If so stay
If not leave.
He has made up his mind without consulting you. Hes doing what he sees as best for him and his life.
You now need to do the same. Be as selfish as he has been when having this conversation with yourself.
Dont think of him, just think of your own life and the future you want for yourself.
HE has done this and told you his choices, probably knowing full well theres a possibility you wont agree and may leave. But thats a chance hes willing to take to achieve the life he wants.
You cant change how he feels.
You just need to make your choice.
Sorry. But at 25 at least he didnt string you along until it was too late for you to meet someone else who wants a family.

Leave leave leave. I did in this situation and met my DH and now we have two dc and it was the best decision I have ever made.

It'll never be right if you force him to have more dc.

You're 25. Leave.

I feel like I've lived who this issue because my best friend had the same thing happened to her at 32. Thing is it was a bit later on in the day and she hung around for longer. Eventually at about 35 she ditched him married another man almost immediately and cranked out several children. The few years she went through it were miserable.

It's very easy from the outside Looking In to say you want different things you need to split up. Sadly it's a lot harder to walk away from a loving relationship for a vision of the future.

At 25 you do have some time to still spend it with this man if you want to I suspect that eventually your biological clock will tell you that you need to leave. When it does don't let your history with him cloud your judgement. It doesn't matter if you've been together 2 years or 5 years or 10 years. You are not long long-term compatible.

It's very black and white, this situation.

Either forget the babies and marriage thing totally and stay with him.

Or leave him and persue your dream of a loving marriage and children.

As painful as it is to make that decision, it really is that simple.

As much as you love him, you are just not compatible. At least he is telling you this now, rather than stringing you along through your best fertile years. You have the time to go out and meet someone else who you can love and who wants marriage and children like you. He won’t change his mind, you won’t change yours, move on.

(Thankfully you're only 25 and he's telling you now and not when you're 37....)

Very sad, he's got cold feet and is panicking. That may not last, he won't be the first person to say they don't want children or more children. Only you can assess (I hope he doesn't labour the point about wishing he hadn't him to his son).

You are still so young you could fall in love again with someone who does want to have a family with you. Think about that and discuss it with him but please be as sure as you can. There's no point in having a child if one party doesn't want one.

I left a 5 year relationship at 36 as he changed his mind on babies. I'm glad he at least told me before it was too late. Now with someone else and have 2 DDs.

You need to hear what he is saying. He is telling you how he feels. Don't make excuses that's it's the mother of his child causing this etc etc.

I don't necessarily think you should end the relationship or move on. However, you do have to accept that he is probably telling the truth when he says he doesn't want to marry you or have any more children

When I was your age, a few of us were in your position. Some stayed with their partner, having come to terms with the fact that they will not have children together. Some moved on and are happily settled with new partners & children. Some moved on and are single

You can't predict the future

Run like the wind OP. You're so young and will find someone who wants to share a life with you.

I think he always knew he didn’t want kids tbh, and he was just future faking. Now he’s owned up.

A man who ‘hates’ marriage and doesn’t want kids is not a good prospect.

The cynic in me thinks that he’s never had any intention of having children with you, but wanted to make sure he left it long enough for him to be sure you were fully invested in the relationship before he told you. I think he’s a shit head, tbh and in his arrogance, thinks you will give up on children and just be happy to centre him in your world while he still gets to play the role of Disney dad to his child. Best of both worlds for him, isn’t it?

Basically OP, you need to decide what you want more.

Him or marriage/babies.