Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s now changed his mind

158 replies

Nicolita93 · 12/11/2018 07:54

So I’m 25 and have been with my partner for 2 years he’s 35. He has a child from a previous relationship who we have on the weekends and sometimes during the week.
He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

It was okay for him to have a child with someone he didn’t want to be with, but he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to share that happiness with me.

Any advice for anyone who’s been in this situation, I’m now made to pick between my dream or the man I love.

Help!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 12/11/2018 15:37

You are so young still. Don’t give up on your dream yet.

angelicalpaca · 12/11/2018 15:48

We were in Cyprus 3 weeks ago and he bought up the topic of baby names and how much he’s always wanted a daughter. This is why this has come completely out of the blue. I know the mother of his son believes he was conceived out of love. Whereas he’s confirmed (along with his family) that she used to walk all over him and that she demanded a child so he just went with it knowing he didn’t want him or a child with that women. So I guess he’s feeling the same about me now.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/11/2018 15:57

@Antigon I don't think I've ever seen such a shocked look on anyone's face before or since. One of his standard responses to not getting his way was "Well, I think we need to separate!!" which usually caused a storm of tears and backtracking on my part. That last time I simply said "Good. When are you leaving?". I didn't even consciously think it, it just came out and felt so good that I knew it was the right thing.

He tried to bully me into being the one to leave until I reminded him that we were in MY hometown in a rental owned by MY grandparent's neighbour and exactly who did he think was going to have to leave if push came to shove? Like most bullies, he slunk away with his tail between his legs at the first sign of courage in his victim.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 12/11/2018 16:32

I don't think I've ever seen such a shocked look on anyone's face before or since.

Haha Across love it! Glad you moved on to better things!

BaskingSharks · 12/11/2018 17:37

I don’t think it’s rare for men to move in a woman to basically provide childcare, cleaning and sexual services all whilst paying rent, whilst offering them nothing in return. I hope that’s not the case here.

What a vile view. You make women sound like sex workers. ‘Giving sexual services’? Why do you assume women are only having sex in exchange for something in return instead of enjoying their own sexuality?

And why do you assume women are there to provide the majority of cleaning and childcare? Equal relationships do exist you know, and women can demand that of a partner.

Offering nothing in return’ for ‘sexual services’. Because women ‘give’ sex to obtain marriage? Believe it or not plenty of women want to live with a partner and share a home, share finances, share the housework and childcare, have sex because they want to and it feels good, not ‘give it up’ and then feel cheated if they don’t ‘get something in return’ like they’re prostituting themselves. You sound like the sort of person to compare women with cows in the vile phrase ‘why buy the cow when you get the milk for free’. What a weirdly misogynistic, backwards view of women and sexuality and relationships AngelsSins has.

MakeAHouseAHome · 12/11/2018 17:42

I am the other way round of this scenario. I do NOT want kids. My DP does. However I have ben categorically clear from the start of our relationship on this. He decided to choose me over kids.

I think the person who DOESN'T want kids has the overriding say on this and if the other half can't deal with that, then yes they should walk away.

Basque · 12/11/2018 17:44

angelicalpaca you’ve had a name change fail OP.

So what are your thoughts on the six pages of advice you’ve received so far?

IcedPurple · 12/11/2018 17:54

I think the person who DOESN'T want kids has the overriding say on this

I don't think either partner has the 'overriding say'. The thing about having kids is that it isn't something you can compromise on. You can't have half a kid! If you really want/don't want children but your partner is equally clear that they do/don't then you have a stark choice: do you (not) want children, or do you want your partner? Because unless they change their mind - certainly not something you should count on - you can't have both.

And given that relationships come and go, but the decision to (not) have children is for life, you're probably better off prioritising the latter, at least if it's something you have very clear feelings about. Like you I have never wanted kids and couldn't see myself changing my mind on this for anyone or anything.

purpleline · 12/11/2018 18:15

Op pack your bags and go. One of two things will happen. A) he realises he's made a mistake or B) you realise you can do better. Frankly I hope it's the latter. He sounds like a bit of a nob saying yes to everything you want and when it comes down to it nothing happens.

angelicalpaca · 12/11/2018 19:28

He’s got himself mortal drunk so I went home and fed his dog, packed a bag and am taking a few days out, his mum agreed right now that’s whats best. I just want him to say if he doesn’t want to be with me then that’s what he should say, I’ve always been honest and it annoys me he’s not

naicepineapple · 12/11/2018 19:32

Op why are you waiting for him to decide if he wants to be with you? He's told you he doesn't want marriage or children. If you do, then you need to end the relationship. Not wait for him to do it.

TheBigBangRocks · 12/11/2018 19:33

I disagree he doesn't love you, you can love someone without having to do something you don't want too especially something like a child.

You may love him but if you love the idea of a child more than him let him go.

masterandmargarita · 12/11/2018 19:38

Him and his family bad mouthing his ex ain't great either

BaskingSharks · 12/11/2018 19:46

Why did you bother asking for advice on here?

YearOfYouRemember · 12/11/2018 20:46

He probably does want to be with you as long as you shut up about marriage, kids and the bigger house.

MulticolourMophead · 13/11/2018 03:39

OP why are you waiting for him to decide? This is your life at stake here. He may very well want to be with you but that won't stop him not wanting kids or marriage.

He's said he doesn't want either, if you do you have to walk away.

Monty27 · 13/11/2018 05:19

I hope you aren't still there OP. It's over.

clairedelalune · 13/11/2018 06:37

I don't think angelsins meant women were wanting to be treated as sex workers , i think they meant that there are a lot of men for whom a live in girlfriend is convenient, effectively leading on the woman who thinks she is building her future, with no intentions of 'commiting properly' in whatever form that takes. I have seen this happen several times with friends.
OP please just leave him. You are worth much more than sitting around 'waiting for him to decide' - there is nothing to decide, he should know already. You are not his toy to play with. I would never try to convince a man they wanted to be with me/have children as I don't think it ends well and causes resentment on both sides.

Doonethingniceaday · 13/11/2018 07:38

I am that person..... I was 23 when we met and he had young children from before and an extremely difficult divorce.... she is extremely emotionally manipulative and abusive both to him and especially to the children. I said I wanted children he said yes..... I said around 27.... things got worse with his ex and the children and he changed his mind. I can’t help thinking it’s me. I am late 30’s now and I feel so sad I won’t have a family. The rest of my marriage is great but I do feel I will miss out on a major part of life and I think why not me? He had children with someone else and then I read these threads that voice my worry that if I left he would meet someone else and have a baby fast..... so it must be me - it’s so confusing and I do think if i had been able to see into the future would I have walked away? I think I would have. Typing that is really hard. It’s too late for me now so I will focus on all the positives but I wish you all the best OP and I hope you find the right path for you.

Antigon · 13/11/2018 07:41

Doone - it's not too late to have a baby, women are having babies in their 40s!

I appreciate that your marriage is happy but worth having another chat with your husband?

BaskingSharks · 13/11/2018 07:44

clairedelalune I don’t think she meant women want to be treated as sex workers, I think she meant SHE sees women as sex workers via her view that women have sex in exchange for something rather than because they want to and have the right to have sex!

If it was just a point about partners leading their OH down the garden path with false promises such as in the OP I doubt she’d have used language like she has. I appreciate your response though :)

Doonethingniceaday · 13/11/2018 07:55

Thank you Antigon.... I did actually yesterday and seeing this thread was so coincidental.... he is adamant and I don’t want to have a baby with a husband who does not want it as much as me. Actually I always wanted to foster or adopt but this is an even bigger ask of him. He thinks I will permanently resent him for this but I actually blame myself and think if it was a different woman maybe he would want to.

OP please consider this carefully. Make sure he is worth it.

SaraCara · 13/11/2018 08:10

I don't think he's being selfish or any of the other negative things listed here. He's telling you he doesn't want the same things as you. He is allowed to do that and far better that than lead you on for years. TBH OP, you are young. You don't need to compromise. It's hard but you want different things so you either leave or stay and probably resent him.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 13/11/2018 08:20

I don't think he's being selfish or any of the other negative things listed here. He's telling you he doesn't want the same things as you. He is allowed to do that and far better that than lead you on for years.

Have a look at the OP again. Specifically:

He sprung on me last night he’s now changed his mind and doesn’t want any more children. As he was never in love when he had his son and shouldn’t have had him. I understand he’s entitled to change his mind but since we’ve been together he used to tell me he dreamed about our children and he knows that I can let go of the fact he hates marriage but this is the one thing in life I’ve always wanted.

Antigon · 13/11/2018 08:34

Doone - I worry that you will be like the woman upthread who is 45 and bitterly regrets picking her husband over children (even though they are still together).

You say if you could have looked into the future you would have walked away. Is this out of the question now?