... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Morning @Passive1. How are things?

Most posters here have ruined her relationship.

It's early days. They haven't sat down and discussed whether or not they were moving in together.

The initial conversation should have been whether they were going to formally move in with one another or he should stay less, all of these comments have given op false confidence and she's gone in with the wrong attitude.

Ateotd, the child is not his, he shouldn't have to feel as though he's stepping in to a ready made family before they even had the talk. Surely they're just enjoying each other's company?! Yes it's a given that they clearly have been spending too much time together if he hasn't got serious intentions.

Well done everybody.

Mmmmkay

notsosav what utter crap you talk

You insult the OP’s intelligence by suggesting posters here have “ruined” their relationship.
She’s an intelligent woman and can decide for herself

Birds
I agree with your latest post pretty much word for word.

No notso he has ruined his relationship. We have only helped provide her with advice, and similar experiences of our own. It is ultimately op who makes the decision!

The wrong attitude

Hahahahaha Hahahahaha notsosav Good one

It's good you raise that point @notsosav.

The boyfriend did spell out exactly what he felt - he was uncomfortable moving in to a 'ready-made' family. So he's on the right path now.

The OP is also hundreds of pounds a month better off, by not paying for someone who wants the benefits but with none of the responsibilities. He goes back to his mother.

It's worked out great. That's life.

Quite frankly ignoring the warning signs that he is giving off is very concerning.

If I were op I wod be happy I dodged a bullet, than ruining a potentially abusive relationship. Some people have a warped sense of reality.

OP seemed pretty sure she'd find it difficult to accept him after his vicious verbal attacks on her parenting and spend choices.

But maybe it was the first step for open dialogue. Or it may have been the final.

Take care OP and look after yourself and your little one

Typical that some posters are now going completely over the top with talk of abuse etc etc. He has been a complete knob but may be he has now see the error of his ways, apologised profusely and written OP a cheque. My guess is that she won't come back the thread though so we will never know...

Doh Dungeon some people on here have had similar experiences with boyfriend's who turned out to be abusive.

Hope you’re ok op and that bellend didn’t turn up at your house last night.

Doh Dungeon some people on here have had similar experiences with boyfriend's who turned out to be abusive.

Which is presumably why you call abuse on almost every thread... As I said, he has been very out of order but a few very unreasonable texts doesn't equal abuse.

No update from OP.

Hope you are ok op?
I don't know how to tag

He's gaslighting her and that's abuse ffs.

I think you tag like this Squiglet @squiglet111

What an arse he is!

What do you think he’ll miss the most about his time with you?

Free access to your car?
Nice warm bed?
Free food?
Sex when he wants?
Pretending he doesn’t still live with his mum?

You are so well shot of him.

He's gaslighting her and that's abuse ffs.

"Gaslighting" is another overused word on mumsnet... He isn't making her doubt her sanity.

Morning

Sorry to have caused such a fiery debate!
Sorry not to give as much detail, but someone suggested taking the thread down to avoid any tabloid attention.

That freaked me out.

Gaslighting. How sick am I of that word. I swear to God Mumsnetters scour these forums all day with a chance to use it.

That and c0cklodger.

How're you doing this morning

(But I’m very grateful for the advice!)

All is okay - stuff gone - no drama.

There may be a conversation when things calm down but certainly not now