... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

RTFT 😂

ah OP, sorry for everything you've been through in the past 24 hours but pandora here doesn't take that seriously so if you could make her feel self righteous happy by reconsidering that would be appreciated

@myrtleWilson

:)

or OP, just dont have a conversation with him, one year of relationship is nothing and 2 months of cohabiting was a walk in the park for everybody here seemingly

yes OP, make everybody happy and thro him out
hopefully you dont have the normal conversation with this twad yesterday?
:)

non of us know, only the OP
and definitely not after a heated conversation
if he is remaining an idiot, then get rid of him

*wut? are you trolling? smile
put that glass down, I beg you
its going to be better, dont worry, dont ever lose hope
(kisses and hugs)

one thing is to be reasonable and cautious
the other is to be bitter to no end*

What exactly is your major malfunction? And all this 'put that glass down'? What's that about ? If you believe someone is trolling, then you report the post to HQ, but simply disagreeing with someone does not mean that person is a troll and it's against Talk Guidelines to accuse someone of trolling . There's nothing bitter about not giving someone who's treated you like crap another chance unless you're a masochist, or stay with someone who sees your child as barrier and a burden. Thankfully the OP won't stand for someone who takes a swipe at her kid when he's been pulled up on being a freeloader but carry on apologising for him .

Wow yesterday was a bit of a revelation! I think someone at the beginning of the thread mentioned cock lodger - I didn't think he was, just unaware of how much stuff costs .... I think cock lodger was perhaps right

@dontalltalkatonce

okey, you are right
it seems you all know her in real life and the circumstances and ongoing abuse, so I cave

Pandora with that tirade of abuse he would be getting no second chances with me especially with a young son, why do some women raise the bar so low.

I am just afraid the OP was lulled into false bravery from the agressive LTB posts and will not even try to talk to him in a reasonable manner

but something says me, they are or will continue

Pandora101 - couldn't agree with everything you have said any more than I already do.

Someone talking sense and not blowing it out of proportion.

Although, I don't think he's taking advantage as he probably just hasn't given it a real thought.

What abuse 😂

It's clearly a fairy new relationship & OP isn't as comfortable to have the conversation with him properly

Pandora are you ok? A lot of Mumsnetters have had similar experiences which have had negative outcomes as a result of men like the op boyfriend. They are passing on their experiences to them. Seeing by the tirade of abuse that op got off him, I think that he is beyond reasonable conversation. His behaviour would quite rightly be a dealbreaker. I am sad that you have such low standards Pandora.

Dear God, have you been talking shit all night, @pandora101? What's with the repeated "put the glass down"?

Oh my god another of pandora's supporters, yes an open invitation from notsav and pandora to let men take advantage of you. Op tried to have a reasonable conversation with him, but he went off on a deeply unpleasant and nasty rant and tone.

Dear god, she's only been with him for a short period of time, his first reaction to her telling him he needs to stump up is to take a swipe at her child and her parenting and she needs to be reasonable with this bloke?

And then you accuse people who consider that a dealbreaker of being drunk or trolls. Right.

My mistake, I didn't realise there was as much to the thread and have just caught up.

@Aeroflotgirl

let men take advantage of you? tirade of abuse? a few texts written in affect?

are we reading the same thread?

I dont want anybody to be taken advantage by anybody

just have a conversation first
lay out the numbers - what is wrong with it?

I didnt hear an amount so far

Actually Pandora whats more likely is we HAVE had arguments and issues with partners/husbands/exs and know all too well which issues are unlikely to be resolved fairly and miserliness and resentment of potential or actual step children are 2 of these which in my life experience don't change.

If someone is a tightwad, freeloader, cocklodger whatever they don't change.

Ditto those who resent their partners child from previous relationships.

And frankly if more people - especially women - stopped letting cf like this away with it they'd probably try it on less! Which is NOT to say it's the victims fault at all of course.

Honestly it's the posters who think op should be "more reasonable" who are perpetuating the notion that women should accept shit treatment from men just to be able to say they're in a relationship!

No thanks - I'd rather stay single than pick up after and sub some lazy overgrown toddler who throws a tantrum when they're expected to act like the adult they play at being!

Sod that for a game of soldiers! 😂 as my mum would say!

Thats because before she got a chance to "lay out the numbers" he had jumped in having a pop at her parenting and then followed that reasoned introduction with a reminder that once he picked up some groceries (but not a whole shop) from the supermarket on the way home, calling her spoilt, and then scrabbling around the back of the sofa to find his receipt from Gaucho's to show how much he has spent on her (5 times more than a food shop donchaknow) But after all of that, sure at that point, the OP is going to feel completely in a happy secure place to have a chat about the numbers...

Graphista; yes Xenia is a single parent.

Pandora

OP decided to ask him for £600pm. When she tried to have the conversation with him, his response was 'this has gone beyond being a money situation. Why am I having to bring this up again? Let’s go back to seeing each other a couple of nights a week”

So it's very clear that he didn't want to pay any money so decided to move back to his mums.

Do you really expect OP to mention the £600 when he said let's go back to seeing eachother twice a week?

or OP, just dont have a conversation with him, one year of relationship is nothing and 2 months of cohabiting was a walk in the park for everybody here seemingly

Have you read the thread? The OP tried to talk to him about it reasonably. First he pretended to agree, then still have her no money. The same the second time. OP then had to bring it up a third time, his reply was “we’re a team” then to text her that she’s a bad parent and that’s why he doesn’t think he should pay his own way. OP’s replies were all sensible and thought out and he kept coming up with excuses not to pay.

Why would you give someone who doesn’t pay for their own food and who can’t have an adult conversation yet another chance?

People, don't feed the....oh you know.

My concern is he's talked OP round with some kind of 'fault on both sides' nonsense and also 'I can't believe you'd just throw all of this away because you want more money' type nonsense. Then he'll resentfully offer say £400 a month which he'll then try and recoup by being even stingier regarding general expenses whilst at the same time trying to put the thumbscrews on the OP regarding how she parents her son. This really is how abusive relationships can start. His texts are cause to end the relationship and OP knows it. If you have let him worm his way back in OP, please take a few steps back so you can see the relationship more clearly and have space to reflect on it. Ignore this moves at your peril.

The OP tried to talk to him reasonably three times over the course of a week. He avoided her and then when she insisted on not being taken for a total mug he attacked her parenting. He deflected away from what he should be doing.

Her parenting is irrelevant. What was relevant was him paying for the hot water he was using every day for two months. The food he was eating every day for two months. The roof over his head EVERY DAY for two months.

I will say it again: EVERY DAY FOR TWO MONTHS.

The only thing he said was 'we are a team' - well team members pull their bloody weight. And in my book, men don't bludge off women who are single handedly raising their child. A proper partner would speak up, step up and treat their OH with care and respect. OP has one child - she doesn't need two.

All the other details, such as handbags, hotel rooms, comments from him about her parenting are distractions. If he didn't like the set up with the child then nobody made him stay.

She asked him to pay his way and he would not do the reasonable thing and suggest either an amount or ask her what she needs. He is a sponger. And again, why do we have to infantilize this grown man and suggest he doesn't know how much things cost? He is an adult. Why criticize a woman who has standards and boundaries? Why criticize a woman who refuses to subsidize a man when she has her own responsibilities?

"How was it poor communication from op about money, he is practically been living with her for 2 months unofficially, he contributes nothing for the everyday expenses."

It's poor communication because she let him move in, without having a conversation about finances, how he views her child, or the relationship.

She says she's been fussy about who she let's around her Son, but an ex-Military, younger, childless Man can move himself in?

Her Son starts to have behavioural issues, but the OP doesn't put two-and-two together. She has been wined and dined and has a hotel booked for time away. As an LP you have to take things slower and if needs be, put things on hold. Not live out some romantic fantasy.

It never stays fantasy for long and now reality has caught up. So it's another unheaval for her Son.

Before someone stays over and doesn't leave before your Child gets out of bed, conversations need to be had. Then again, once 'staying' is more than twice a week. You shouldn't allow yourself to get swept off your feet, when you are a LP.

Even as this thread progressed the OP wasn't having proper conversations, it was text messages, like a Teenager.

Pandora it doesn't matter, his reaction is very concerning, I would be worried that if she did meet him face to face and tried to have that conversation, he would explode at her, and might hurt her. She has a young son to consider, and to bring a volatile and aggressive man into the family is very unwise. She has seen how he can get, she has to look at the big red flag flying. From his messages, he has no intention of paying his way, best end it now whilst it is easy, than to get imeshed in it years down the line. She has another baby with him, and has to rely on him to give her money. Considering his response to her reasonable request to pay his way, she will potentially end up in a financially abusive situation.