... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

"Are you sure he was in the marines? I've heard guys bullshit all the time that they were in the marines or the SAS." That calls to mind the old "joke"

How do you know someone WASN'T In the sas? Because they said they were.

I believe it's still true that they aren't allowed to say if they were special forces? (I'm sure some more knowledgeable mner will correct me if I'm wrong. To the best of my knowledge none of my relatives have been special forces - but then chances are I wouldn't know as they wouldn't say)

And yes in certain "garrison towns" where certain types of men claim to be serving or have served with that branch of the forces. There are certain giveaways though.

Personally they've got no hope with me as I can spot a soldier/ex soldier just by how they sit/stand/walk!

When I've done OLD at various points and liars have tried to claim this it's been fairly easy to suss them out when they don't understand certain terminology or jokes.

I too don't think advice to be carful is ott.

Both military types and potential abusers tend more to having aggressive, alpha male type personalities. And when they don't get their own way they can react aggressively.

My dad is an alcoholic & was violently abusive when I was growing up.

My ex - described by many as "mr laid-back" also had a hell of a temper!

My other relatives who've served can also be quite aggressive in their dealings with others.

I’m never seen a more text book post/description of a cocklodger, your well rid op

They are allowed to say they were, or are, in special forces.

But far more say they were than ever have been.

Stand fifty yards away from him, tap your head on top. If he comes over and says 'yes?', he's ex forces. If he says 'why are you tapping your head', he's not.
It's a visual signal meaning 'come to me'. My friend told me it. My ex didn't know I knew it. We were in Paris and he'd wandered off to look for something but I had seen it near me. He glanced back and I tapped my head as he was looking at me, he immediately trotted back like a good boy asking where had I learnt that. I was impressed by its effect but I think once they've learned something like that they don't forget it.

Van i love that snippet! I'm going to walk around tapping my head and see who walks over. Then I'll say "what? Just tapping my head"

The arm holding is weird but in his defence, my son was saying his hands were cold so he didn’t have much choice

Maybe your son didn't want him to hold his hand. His other hand is out holding his juice carton and doesn't look particularly cold. The arm hold does look incredibly awkward. From a little boys perspective this picture could tell a thousand words.

Anyway, I've also followed the whole thread in disbelief as you've been posting but getting a bit concerned as you last posted at 6:28pm... --

I hope everything is okay with you and your little boy? Your relationship is your decision to make at the end of the day, I just hope he respects the decision you make either(and pays what he owes)

Christ what a wanker he turned out to be.

*Bums off you for months

*Finally says he agrees he should pay when you mention him contributing

*Brushes the conversation under the carpet
Rinse and repeat

*Gets nasty and brings your DS into it when you dare to press the matter once more

*Makes it all about him and how offended he is about being labeled a sponger

*Back tracks when you don't pander to his shit

You and your DS have dodged a bullet, it's thanks to the fact that you're so independent and switched on that you've cottoned on as soon as you have. Good for you.

OP, another one here hoping you're ok.

Well this is very sad.
I think there has been poor communication on both sides.

I agree,
I think poor communication on both sides led to a swift escalation of this.
I don’t like his recourse to criticising your parenting at all. But OP had got herself into a state of resentment while only havjng dropped hints to him.

There has been a general level of cash-splashing I’m tne relationship, not focussing on tne gritty reality of bills and toilet rolls, so I can see that the DP could have felt ambushed.

I think there has been poor communication on both sides.
I think he communicated his true feelings pretty well about the OPs son and about his lack of paying.

He's basically saying shite single mums have been hearing for years - "you should be grateful I'm even dating you as you've the 'baggage' of a child I have to put up with"

Great post Graphista, and the above is it, in a nutshell.

@Antigon

I still think he was in shock so he reacted like an idiot, we dont have any evidence he was behaving badly to the child (other than some angry messages in affect)

poor communication on both sides about money and expectations and throwing money around on both sides = it has to stop and real talk is necessary

@pandora1, will you stop telling people to "put down the glass"?? Are you implying people are drunk? That's really rude.

@VenusInSpurs and @Smallhorse

exactly

@TenForward82

I was not telling "people" to put down the glass, I was very specific

He is obviously hurt about the way this has gone

Pissed. He is obviously PISSED about the way this has gone.

He glanced back and I tapped my head as he was looking at me, he immediately trotted back like a good boy

My God, VanGogh! Have you any idea of the POWER you hold in the palm of your hand . . . . ?

. . . . You are the Destroyer of Worlds . . .

I still think he was in shock

😂

'In shock' about what, exactly? Being pulled up as a complete cocklodger...?

This thread has given me flashbacks to when a flat mate moved her boyfriend into our flat. Just the two of us lived there I was training and on an extremely low wage. He earned x4 my salary was 10 years older and contributed nothing to the running of the flat. Still riles me 20 years later!

Please don't be hoodwinked into him moving in without a proper conversation about it, especially since you have a 5 year old child

This must be the daftest recent comment on this thread showing how people don't RTFT! He's moved in, and now he's being moved out!

Pandora

poor communication on both sides about money and expectations and throwing money around on both sides = it has to stop and real talk is necessary

But that's the problem - the boyfriend was throwing very little money around and begrudging OP the money she was throwing around!

The OP has said a few times now that the relationship is over so no need for 'real talk' anymore.

Be honest now Pandora - are you mum to one of these types of guys?

How was it poor communication from op about money, he is practically been living with her for 2 months unofficially, he contributes nothing for the everyday expenses. Op has noticed that her bills are rising and would like him to pay his way, she asks him and he reacts in a nasty and aggressive way. A reasonable man would not do this.

More than paying his way, he has shown op in big neon lights who he really is, and what he has the potential to become. listen to it and take heed.

Did he come round last night op!

Antigon

the problem was throwing money around so the other party could have an impression that money is not a problem
the money is not a problem, the principle is, I understand and fully agree
just it may have be seen by him, its not a problem (paired with his unawareness of the reality of living costs)

so thats why this conversation about the exact amounts and expectations is/was so important

the OP ( @Passion1 ) said its over a few times, yes, but I dont take seriously people saying its over in affect

we will see in few weeks (or the OP will see)

I really do understand how easy is to take advantage of people who seemingly dont care throwing money away - I used to pick up the tab all the time, then honest conversation happened and after the initial "you wanted to pick up the tab all the time and now you are... etc etc", they very quickly get the point (and they were not at least sponging off me, they just thought its my pleasure)

not everybody is aware like this (like us) I would not do it, like to have it balanced, but... sometimes people have to be reminded
he wanted to give her the money now and asked for the amount, so it looks solvable
should he have be aware of it before? YES
but he is not a murderer, ffs

so thats why I am saying it can be solveable IF the other party is reasonable and willing and honest real conversation happened (IF they both want to save it and give it a chance) IF

PS. when finally the thing is out in the air, there is no need for real talk? thats the time when real talk is necessary, imho

PS2. I am amazed nobody here had an argument with loved ones ever, no strong or silly words during arguments, no redemption, no making up after a fight.....smooth siling all the way
its just not real
PS. I would like to hear his side of the story as well

I definitely think it will be resolved!

Talking money makes you feel comfortable and it more than likely makes him feel this way too, if he's a good man and makes you happy then I'm sure a 'serious, sit down conversation' about this will put an end to it.

I think you'll be fine
My only advice is don't set the standard for the way you live - make sure that he does washing, and cooks (I know you said you're particular, but maybe one or two nights a week let him cook). Let him do his share!

I'm only four years into cohabiting with my children's father and I made the terrible mistake of doing everything at the beginning, now that's hard to shake!

Good luck, I'm sure it will work out the way you want it to!