AIBU or has DP been a twat

[Hocusypocus]

DP works nights but came home last night at midnight as there was an issue at work, he woke me up to ask me to set an alarm on my phone for very early morning so he didn't miss football (he plays every Sunday, straight after he gets off work) then proceeded to keep me up until gone 1:00am. He couldn't use his own alarm apparently, as his phones playing up.

I have a baby at home and am pregnant so need whatever sleep I can get at the moment.

He stays up watching TV until gone 2, disturbing me again when he came to bed then proceeded to keep me up for the remainder of the night with his snoring. I then get woken again by his stupid alarm going off on my phone.

He goes to football this morning and calls after the match to say he's just finishing an after match pint (uncommon for him so no problem there) and do I want to meet him in town in 25 minutes after I've collected a parcel, so we can take DS to the park and grab some dinner.

I collect the parcel and go to town, standing about with the pram for over half an hour. I text him to say I'm here then he rings and says he'll be another hour because his team mate has got him another pint, but it's not his fault because he didn't ask for it.

I say well what do you want me to do then? He replies that it's up to me. Irritated and tired I hung up and came home.

AIBU and hormonal or has he acted like a twat.

Your comment was totally right though
He sounds like a shit partner
He cheats on you, he's inconsiderate. He doesn't want to parent his children.

He fucking well SHOULD dwell on that comment. It’s the truth.

What’s that they say about the truth smarting a bit?

I didn't mean it was his perogative to sit in the pub all day as if it was OK or the norm for a parent to do that, what I meant was if he'd have at least been upfront about how he wanted to spend the day and not wasted my time it wouldn't have been as big an issue as it is. He crossed the line from being a bit selfish (which everybody can be) to being blatantly disrespectful and out of line.

He rarely drinks or socialises and he does work hard so I wouldn't deny him the opportunity to take some time to enjoy himself, even if I don't get the same opportunities I wouldn't begrudge him a few hours in a pub watching football as its such a rarity that it happens.

It's his general lack of regard for me that's triggered me to highlight his one night stand and look at it as a collective rather than two isolated incidents.

I feel as though he should be so grateful I allowed him to stay in the family home and try to salvage the relationship, that doing what he's done today should have never even crossed his mind given how many women would've quite rightly given him his marching orders the first time he had the audacity to treat somebody this way.

He still thinks I've overreacting and the fact I've told him I'm questioning the relationship as a whole is ridiculous to him.

He's so stuck up his own arse it's almost laughable.

Your comment was fine and justified. And if you hadn't said that, he'd have picked up on something else you said to turn it around to make it your fault and he's just an innocent victim.

He can think it's as ridiculous as he likes, it's not up to him. Have a good think about today - he might have done you a favour in the long run.

I have a feeling he just might have. Have come to bed with DS and a book, I don't want to be in the same space as him right now.

He left you and his Ds standing in the cold for half an hour. In November. And didn't show up.

Then told you he'd be there in 10 mins. And still didn't show up.

I'd question his parenting too and my choice of partner for Ds.

Don't let him turn it round to you being in the wrong.

I could live with everything that happened especially as it's not a regular occurrence EXCEPT for leaving you standing in the cold. That is disgusting behaviour. Who does that?

All he had to do is phone and day I'm going to have a few pints, see you later. You might have been annoyed but his attitude is off the scale. I'm livid on your behalf.

Referring to the one comment he will dwell on, the poor lamb can only think of one thing. Never mind what he has put you through - sad fuckers ain’t they !!!

@Hocusypocus tell him to go swivel, what would of happened if you had fell down the stairs? Or if DS would of been hurt ? He's just an absolute idiot and if he ever did it again I'd pack his bags and change the locks !!

How dare he treat you with such little consideration!! What began as a quick pint after the match turned into him staying out all day, with no thought for you and your child. His phone had been turned off died. What if you had needed to contact him in an emergency? Have you reminded him that it was HIS idea to meet up for lunch and a trip to the park? His lack of an apology for wasting your whole day speaks volumes. I also think the waking up your pregnant wife to tell her to set an alarm for you also speaks volumes. I really can't imagine any caring, considerate man doing that, my DH wouldn't dare!

If you decide to try to save this relationship, you need to spell out clearly what is and what is not acceptable behaviour, but quite honestly if he really can't see what he's done wrong I don't hold out much hope. Perhaps show him this thread?

Sorry you are going through this. I've been where you are and where you question if your standards are too high or if you are a nag.

From my experience you need to be strong now and don't pull any punches otherwise the shit gets worse and you get bogged down with it to the extent normal behaviour becomes a joy / relief.

Life shouldn't be like this. Like you I wish I'd picked a better dad for my DS and it breaks my heart.

He'll zone in on that one comment and dwell on it for days now.

You're very right when you say these aren't two isolated incidents. You've described a pattern of behaviour here that goes far beyond a bit of selfishness or a mistake.

He gets off on having power over you - being able to wake you up in the middle of the night and keep you up, getting you to have to wake him up, getting you to traipse around, and all the while knowing he can convince you afterwards that you've overreacted and it's actually you in the wrong.

I hate saying it, but his behaviour on his return is so predictable. He doesn't respect you and he couldn't care less how you feel or what you think. He's trying to manipulate you, and control your reactions. Trying to turn it around and make you the one at fault is textbook abusive.

As a pp said, there are decent men out there and he isn't one of them. This isn't how somebody who cares about you would treat you. Decent human beings do make mistakes but they apologise and make amends. None of what you've described was a mistake, it was deliberate.

You deserve better.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He's snoring on the couch now as I type, that's something which has always irked me about him.. How he can cause a huge row, upset my mood and then just sod off to sleep without a care in the world leaving me to deal with the upset of the situation.

Not that I'm interested in talking to him right now but that's beside the point. I would've liked for him to show some reflection and try to understand where I'm coming from and why I was upset.

I've had no apology and nothing except him trying to blame his team mates for him taking so long and buying him drinks, completely bypassing the fact he's an adult who's responsible for himself and further dismissing my actual points in the first place.

The last thing I said to him before coming to the bedroom was that he needn't be surprised when he arrives home one morning soon and finds that I've gone.

By the way, if anything you're seriously under-reacting.

I've done the freedom program after ending a violent relationship previously, the fact adds to my frustration because I've so clearly overlooked blatant red flags here.

He doesn't fit into any one particular template from the freedom program, but he does gaslight, sulk, deny, emotionally withdraw and refuse to be held accountable when he's in the wrong.

Tomorrow he will be all sweetness and light as he'll expect this all to have blown over.

His infedility is overlooked and forgiven by you but he thinks he can dwell on a comment he percieves as negative for days? I'm sorry but he is completely dismissing and minimizing your feelings and needs and sounds incredibly selfish and immature.

I had the same situation with my xh, except the fact that he was constantly cheating, when he'd 'gone to his mates' or some other lame excuse I believed, (only married 3 years though, when I was 17-20, 1 DD)

He always blamed it on me for not trusting him, how dare I accuse him of cheating again when I must surely realise he learned his lesson!
I am astonished now how naive I was then!

A lovely guy told me the truth as he was just constantly bragging about how easily fooled I was! (There was a lot of violence too)
I made a decision there and then to divorce him, and my decree absolute came through just after my 21st birthday!

So I think you've hit a nerve with what he is focusing on, he knows you're not wrong with all that you said to him, easier to turn it on you that look at himself.

They really don't see the impact of
Why they so. My DH would say it is a one off and he does not do it every week and that would be his justification. He has a way of making it into my fault and that I over react!!

Don’t let it be over in the morning. He only gets to move on if you’ve moved on.

I used to think it was the age gap (I'm 24 he's 32) that gave him the misguided assumption that he could insult my intelligence by purposely avoiding the points I try to raise in a row, I'm coming to realise though he probably believes his own crap and genuinely feels hard done by when I have the nerve to pull him up on his wrong doing.

He's so far up his own backside he should be reported as missing.

Exh used to pull shit like this constantly. It does make you resentful and bitter after a while. Then they want to be around even less. Becomes a viscous circle.

Laid in bed reflecting over the conversation when he got in and he was so dismissive and blasé about it all, trying to blame everybody but himself, no acknowledgement or apology. I'm still furious so this won't be brushed under the carpet tomorrow.

You need to leave, OP, seriously. He sounds like a manipulative, nasty, gas lighting piece of shit and this will only get worse.
Hope you get some sleep
Voice of Bitter Experience

Fucking hell, why do women put up with this shit from inadequate tossers?

OP he’ll always be this crap. He’ll always be a selfish, patronising waste of your time.

Take action.

I would have drunk the pint but that takes 5 minutes not an hour

Hope you get some sleep x