AIBU or has DP been a twat

[Hocusypocus]

DP works nights but came home last night at midnight as there was an issue at work, he woke me up to ask me to set an alarm on my phone for very early morning so he didn't miss football (he plays every Sunday, straight after he gets off work) then proceeded to keep me up until gone 1:00am. He couldn't use his own alarm apparently, as his phones playing up.

I have a baby at home and am pregnant so need whatever sleep I can get at the moment.

He stays up watching TV until gone 2, disturbing me again when he came to bed then proceeded to keep me up for the remainder of the night with his snoring. I then get woken again by his stupid alarm going off on my phone.

He goes to football this morning and calls after the match to say he's just finishing an after match pint (uncommon for him so no problem there) and do I want to meet him in town in 25 minutes after I've collected a parcel, so we can take DS to the park and grab some dinner.

I collect the parcel and go to town, standing about with the pram for over half an hour. I text him to say I'm here then he rings and says he'll be another hour because his team mate has got him another pint, but it's not his fault because he didn't ask for it.

I say well what do you want me to do then? He replies that it's up to me. Irritated and tired I hung up and came home.

AIBU and hormonal or has he acted like a twat.

Every single time there's a disagreement, row or difference of opinion it's followed closely by him completely retreating into his cave and he's said on many occasions that he does this because he just "doesn't know what to say"

Eh no, He just knows that you will back down eventually and if you do challenge him he just has to act like he is floundering and "doesn't know what to say" really means that he does not have to reflect on how his behaviour is selfish and hurts you, it is easier for him to claim emotional incompetence that to be held accountable.

Completely retreating into his cave is stonewalling you, by refusing to engage he is not really being held accountable for anything at all, is he. He just has to wait for the little woman to get over her huff and calm down. It was just one night with another woman/afternoon in the pub/one pregnant partner and small child stood in the cold waiting for him.

He is playing on your love for him by acting helpless about putting things right when he messes you around, he acts wounded, you soften and you both agree that you are at fault for hurting him by being upset by the way he treated you. This type never get better by the way, I wasted years of my life with one like this, it never got better only worse.

You're "shocked"...

Really ?

He had a few pints - as far as I know he didn't kick a puppy on the way into the pub....

@Loughers is that to me? Can't recall if/where I said anything about being shocked

but in doing that I then feel as though I'm nagging and digging over something that's already been discussed (or argued about)

This might have been talked about but if it's not resolved there's NOTHING wrong with keep on talking it over until it is. This is what he's banking on with his peace offerings. That it will all blow over without him having to apologise or admit he was wrong.

Until next time when he does it again. I would want an apology and you certainly deserve one. Think about how you felt yesterday afternoon. Did you deserve for him to do that to you? Getting you in such a state? He's a coward. He's betting on you not wanting to be a nag.

Having an honest and heartfelt conversation about why you were hurt is not you nagging. Bringing it up after its been resolved to satisfaction and forgiven - that's not great. But nothing's ever resolved for you is it? It's just brushed under the rug. There's only so much you can fit under a rug you know!

Do you feel its resolved or simply he is ignoring the issue buttering you up and then will do it again

Does he think he did anything wrong or does he just not want you annoyed with him

I got home to a cup of tea, the housework done and an offer to take me out somewhere this evening. No verbal apology but this is his version of one

I actually think this is his genuine apology. Not everyone can do words well. Woman are naturally better communicators. A lot of people show they care and love and are sorry by "doing" rather than "saying".

I think I'd probably thank him for these things and gently ask whether he understand why what happened made you so upset. No confrontational wording - don't say "you". It's a bit like with children, he's not a naughty child but his behavior is naughty IYSWIM?

You know him to see what best way will work to illicit the words you need to hear!

@Loughers RTFT

Or are you happy to wait outside in the cold for your partner even when they say they have decided to have another pint so you have to wait another hour in the cold for them?

Personally I would want an apology rather than just tokens, but that's me.

Otherwise you're teaching him that he doesn't have to say sorry. Just make a cup of tea and tidy up his own bloody house for once.

I don't feel like it's resolved at all and don't want to be going on any "date nights" until it is personally. I'd rather him just apologise and reassure me that it isn't going to happen again, then evidence that by showing me the respect I deserve as the mother of his children and partner.

He is trying to brush it under the carpet and is making gestures just so I'm not annoyed with him, but I don't think he's sorry or can completely see where I'm coming from.

Making you a cup of tea is not an apology, it’s a basic kindness you do for your partner.

Doing the housework is not an apology, it’s a basic chore he should be doing anyway because he lives there too.

An offer to take you out is not an apology. Can you get childcare at such short notice? Will you be spending family money?

The words “I’m sorry” are an apology.

He has offered to take you out, made you a cuppa and done housework obviously as a way of apologising.

Why can these men not hold there hands up and say “you know what love I was bloody out of order!!!” That would be so much more acceptable than I”ll take you out somewhere and the situation will be forgotten.

Total dickheads.

If you say no I don’t want to go out, his comeback will be “I offered to take you out” !!!!!

He’s an adult human. You don’t have to speak to him like a child or forgive him because he can’t manage his emotions or use his words. He can. He chooses not to.

It’s two words that every child is taught from a young age. I’m. Sorry.

These tokens are just going to be used as weapons if you don’t accept them as an apology. “I help round the house and try and be romantic and everything and she STILL nags me...”

I would try to follow it up sooner rather than later. Don't hold the grudge or 'act out' your angry feelings by huffing.
Ask him if he can understand why you are upset. Remind him that you and your child were standing waiting for him. Ask him to imagine how that would feel if it were him. If you had gone for a lunch with the girls, then asked him to come in and meet you. Then you said they'd gotten another bottle of wine and then turned your phone off. Would he be upset about that?
Ask him can he see that he has some responsibility there in clearly communicating his intentions, rather than putting his head in the sand.
If he had rung before you left the house and said 'I'd really like to stay here for the afternoon with the lads would that be OK with you?' things might have turned out very differently.

Housework/tea does not make up for his behaviour yesterday...he left u n FS standing in the cold so he could have another pint...what about taking Ds to the park... Etc etc it wouldn't be enough for me

Seaweed42, thread has moved on quite a bit...

Sorry seaweed, wrong thread!

If you were working and he wasn't then wouldn't it be his job to do the housework anyway?

Maybe ask him if he understands and can explain why you were upset? I'd want to know if he really gets it. Because a lot of blokes I know (mates and family) would just think they'd screwed up by sitting in the pub all afternoon and not texting. But as you've said - that's not really the issue - there was more to it, plus it's the lack of respect/disregard behind it. Also, there's whether what happened is symptomatic of a general shitness in prioritising you and his children.

As for the tea-making 'n tidying excuse of an apology, well it's something at least. I don't think I know many men who are really great and proactive at wanting to bring up and discuss the causes of an argument to properly work through it. Most keep their heads down and hope it goes away without much or any input on their part. I know that's shitty, immature, etc... and obviously there are some amazing guys out there who don't do this, but just saying that I think it's unfortunately a blokey trait to do that. It's usually the women I know who bring up and want to work through the causes of an argument to properly sort it out and make sure it doesn't happen again. Only you know him and will know whether he's really sorry. None of us can know - which is why I think all the LTB! comments are a bit premature.

Kitty puts it so eloquently

Doing the housework does NOT = him doing something for you

OP can you face him and ask a simple question: "Did you or did you not behave in a hurtful way to me yesterday?" Accept only yes or no.

If he says yes, maybe he just didn't have the words (emotional IQ) and you could forgive him for once and set rules henceforth. If he says no... I'm afraid people's faults and personality traits get bigger and worst with time, not smaller. I've been married 25 years and even though I'm in a loving relationship, everything that wasn't perfect about both DH and I is now twofold!

Sorry that question has to be asked "I did" or "I did not"

An apology in itself is pointless. Words ( or housework) mean nothing. He cheated. No real consequences. He did this yesterday. As far as he is concerned, no real consequences.

You talked about going out next weekend. Do it. Stay out later than you suggested. Ignore his messages. Not as a tit for tat but to actually show him how it feels. That is worth a million explanations. His reaction will be telling. Either he' ll hold his hands up and agree he behaved badly or he'll be angry and accusative. Which will suggest he's an entitled and selfish man who is unlikely to change.

The silence was deafening so I initiated conversation, I asked whether he could understand why I was upset about yesterday and he said yes he could. I asked him to clarify and he said because he was disrespectful towards me, then didn't let me know what was going on and stayed late.

I said it wasn't the staying late nor the fact he wanted to sit at the pub, it was purely the lack of regard he had in the first place for leaving me waiting about and the disrespect he continued to show me afterwards with how he handled the situation.

He said "yes I know, and I do apologise for that"

He quickly changed the subject and started talking about Christmas, so I think that's as good as I'm going to get - but at least he's thought about it and can understand why I was upset.

I reverted back to the discussion and said I will accept his apology and don't want to prolong an awkward atmosphere but need to be clear that I don't ever expect to be left in the lurch like that again then blanked all day as its humiliating and the very least is open communication and a bit of respect.

He agreed.

It kinda feels like I'm patronising him having to drag out a conversation like that and squeeze out of him an admission of guilt, these conversations always seem to go the way like a parent scolding a misbehaving child.

It's cringeworthy.

The very least I deserved is open communication and a bit of respect that was supposed to say.

RE the cheating he didn't get off scott free, I made his life a misery for months and he had to bend over backwards to make amends and regain my trust. I probably come across as a push over and may well be compared to some on here, but he wasn't forgiven lightly for being unfaithful

It is cringeworthy but you did confront him over it where by the sounds of it you wouldn't have done before. If that's the case it's a big step for you.