AIBU or has DP been a twat

[Hocusypocus]

DP works nights but came home last night at midnight as there was an issue at work, he woke me up to ask me to set an alarm on my phone for very early morning so he didn't miss football (he plays every Sunday, straight after he gets off work) then proceeded to keep me up until gone 1:00am. He couldn't use his own alarm apparently, as his phones playing up.

I have a baby at home and am pregnant so need whatever sleep I can get at the moment.

He stays up watching TV until gone 2, disturbing me again when he came to bed then proceeded to keep me up for the remainder of the night with his snoring. I then get woken again by his stupid alarm going off on my phone.

He goes to football this morning and calls after the match to say he's just finishing an after match pint (uncommon for him so no problem there) and do I want to meet him in town in 25 minutes after I've collected a parcel, so we can take DS to the park and grab some dinner.

I collect the parcel and go to town, standing about with the pram for over half an hour. I text him to say I'm here then he rings and says he'll be another hour because his team mate has got him another pint, but it's not his fault because he didn't ask for it.

I say well what do you want me to do then? He replies that it's up to me. Irritated and tired I hung up and came home.

AIBU and hormonal or has he acted like a twat.

Wow what an asshat

OP, are you married?
If not, are you financially independent?
If the answer to both those questions is no, you need to do some serious thinking.
This man is irresponsible, selfish, unreliable and you need to know what, if any, rights you have in terms of financial support if you leave him. Which I think you should btw.
Is he a good father to his son?
You are so young.
Don't spend your life saddled to this selfish man child.

We're not yet married, were due to be next year. I do have my own income but he is the higher earner.

The position I'm in at the moment is that I'd be unlikely to afford the rent for where we currently are, without him, long term so would need to look at moving ASAP if we parted ways but me nor the DC would go without so I'm not completely reliant on him thank god.

Managed a couple of hours sleep then up with DC. Bloody exhausted

Honestly I think this is a wake up call. This man will never change.

I'm so sorry, OP. I could feel my blood pressure soaring just from reading your thread. How fucking dare he be so selfish? I would leave him, I think. Failing that, I'd be leaving him to look after your son for several weekends to come while you go off and do your 'hobbies' (or look for somewhere you can afford to rent without him...) whilst switching your phone off. But then I'm quite vengeful.

When I was pregnant with DS1 my DH did this often, once he had had a drink he didn't think about anybody else but himself.

Often phone batteries would 'die' and he wouldn't return until the following morning. (Doubt he was being unfaithful).

Unfortunately I'm a firm believer that people do not change and there is no doubt in my mind that given the opportunity & correct group of people, dh would do this again.

I try to weigh out the pros and cons lol and if I could live like that forever

Hope you & dc are okay

I'm going against the grain here but I think this has been blown out of proportion.

Of course you are angry he took the piss - he was selfish and and he brought up memories from the past that hurt you BUT people suggesting that a pregnant woman with a toddler should leave her home and and partner because he put himself first ONCE in a blue moon is madness.

OP you said yourself he has rarely gone out or had a pint after football in a couple of years, he cheated but you forgave him on the promise it never happened again - it hasn't. You didn't say if you ever do anything to bring up those feelings.

I think your angry and exhausting and are getting carried on the wave of all these women telling you you should leave.

I think you should talk to a friend or family and take some time to calm down and get some sleep before making a rash decision. I really hope this ends well for you 💐

I would end it over this (together with his part behaviour) but I have firm boundaries. He's not interested in being a dad or partner clearly, and I wouldn't keep giving him opportunities to prove it. He will never stop this crap op, I hope you realise.

You've done nothing wrong.
I wouldn't speak to him, today. And if he tried I would say, "I think you need to take some time today to decide if this family is what you want and then come and talk to me". Also, have the stock answer of, "I am not prepared to argue about this. You are an adult and you made decisions yesterday that upset me - you could have made other decisions that would not. e.g.come home at a sensible time or use a friend's phone to let me know your plans which would have both been ok - but you didn't. I am sure that if I just disappeared for the day without contact you would feel the same". And then walk away.

You are doing great and good to see that you understand his behaviour. Would I leave? Honestly, only you know the answer to that as you are the one living with him. If this is rare behaviour then maybe this is just a wake up call for him. All the best

@Mouseville65
I have to say I agree. Yes, he was a complete wanker but I think LTB is abit extreme.

I just caught up on the thread and I’m quite literally shaking with rage. You know you deserve better, don’t you?

He is gaslighting you as well as being an inconsiderate twat. He has seized on the one comment you made in anger and will now use that as a reason to be angrier than you until you back down. It’s absolutely classic and my ex used to do it all the time too. ‘Oh, I did something a bit bad but then you made that comment and it was SO MUCH WORSE so now I’m going to sulk for days until you apologise’.

Let me guess, you woke up this morning and the self doubt was already creeping in? You thought to yourself ‘maybe I was a bit harsh, maybe if I apologise he’ll apologise too’? Please, PLEASE don’t. That’s how they wear you down every single time.

I’m really not normally an ‘LTB’ kind of poster but this thread has really set something off in me. I cannot believe anyone could act this way and then not give you even so much as a cursory apology!

He literally left you standing in the cold.

TWAT.

people suggesting that a pregnant woman with a toddler should leave her home and and partner because he put himself first ONCE in a blue moon is madness.

He has previously cheated, and he didn’t just ‘put himself first’. He got his pregnant partner to bundle her toddler out of the house to come and collect him, then stood her up because of a pint.

This kind of behaviour is never a one off. It's symptomatic of a much bigger problem: a complete lack of respect.

He cheated, now he's treated her like shit and hasn't even apologised.

He's not exactly a keeper is he?

Entitlement. His entitlement trumped your needs.

He didn't say a word to me before I left the house this morning, he said good morning to DS and played with him but he's all sheepish towards me. I was hoping for an apology or an attempt to clear the air but nope, just him pottering around feeling sorry for himself.

My response when he kicked off about feeling upset over the comment would have been 'fucking good' and walking away

Gaslighting and now silent treatment... are you with my ex?!

It's so childish and pointless. How are you supposed to move on from a problem if its not discussed and rectified. His ways are a breeding ground for resentment

You’re supposed to just give in, learn your lesson and never question his behaviour again of course

For the most part, men just do not have the emotional intelligence that women do. I suspect he is giving you the silent treatment because he genuinely has no idea of how to rectify the situation. Pathetic isn't it? They need to be spoon fed in situations like this because the majority just don't get the concept of conflict resolution!

I don't know if I would leave him in your shoes, as it sounds like it was a genuine one off. That's not to say what he did was ok, but I think you could sort this out (if you want to of course) however I suspect that you will have to be the one to instigate the conversation which is infuriating.

@MachoManRandySavage exactly that with bells on!

Every single time there's a disagreement, row or difference of opinion it's followed closely by him completely retreating into his cave and he's said on many occasions that he does this because he just "doesn't know what to say"

If I want to press an issue or reach a conclusion after we've had a falling out it'll always need to be me who brings it up again the next day, but in doing that I then feel as though I'm nagging and digging over something that's already been discussed (or argued about). It's very frustrating.

It would be lovely for him to wake up, have a think about the night before, come to me and discuss things calmly.

I'm an open communicator and he's the polar opposite so we clash, big time.

It's not so much the extra pint is it-but the arranging to meet Op & not turning up!

I mean WTAF is that about??

"he genuinely has no idea of how to rectify the situation."

Well a heartfelt apology would be a start-how ignorant/pigheaded do you have to be not to realise that?

What does "discussed & rectified" mean in reality?

It's definitely not about the second pint, or the third or fourth (or however many he had) its the lack of respect.

I wouldn't make plans with a friend or relative then chin them off in favour of staying put in the pub. If I was that way inclined I'd at least let them know, not leave them wondering what's going on for four/five hours.

The very least I expect from him now is an apology but the odds are stacked against one, so I'm going to do what he does and ignore him this time.

I'm home now (I work mornings, part time)

I got home to a cup of tea, the housework done and an offer to take me out somewhere this evening. No verbal apology but this is his version of one.

Thoughts?