To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

Totally posted on the wrong thread there.

I would have a go at appealing to your ex - "Is there any way that you could persuade your parents to let me see my dd at Christmas? I know that we agreed that you could see her this year, but . . . "

What does it have to do with his parents? OP doesn't have to persuade the grandparents to do anything. She's offered a split day he doesn't seem to want to facilitate that so that even though he's in a position to. she doesn't see her dd from Christmas Eve through to Boxing Day- all on the request of his parents. Does he actually want to see his dd at all or so the gps?

Stop the every weekend and get some proper arrangements in place.

I would never do alternate Christmases. I would hate it. I split the day with my ExDH. If he couldn't split it then my DDs would stay with me.

Maia you would hate it? What about your DDs? I hate not having DC with me every other Christmas Day but I would hate even more for them to spend the middle of the day being driven around the country or to miss out on a proper Christmas with their other family just so I could have my time with them. We just make Boxing Day another Christmas Day.

I would never do alternate Christmases. I would hate it. I split the day with my ExDH. If he couldn't split it then my DDs would stay with me

On the face of it that’s incredibly selfish

I don't subscribe to the idea that parents should be martyrs to their children, but access arrangements are definitely one of the times that DCs happiness should come before what a parent wants.

@Notthatsimple 3 year olds do not have a say in contact arrangements as they are too young So if the OP cannot agree a split day that it is alternate Christmases.

Once the child goes to secondary school then they can have a say and once they are in their mid-teens neither parent will be able to force them to do anything.

It is in the OP to sort it out amicably and fairly otherwise her ex can make her life difficult everytime arrangements need to be changed e.g. when her daughter starts school.

YANBU. DD often goes to my aunt's, but NEVER on Christmas day.

@bluebug I’m actually in agreement that alternate arrangements would be best... of course a 3yr old can’t say, but it would be a good guess that staying in one place for the day would be more enjoyable than having a handover in the middle of it.

@PhilomenaButterfly an aunt is a bit different than a parent.

Not really, she's been going to her every 5 weeks since she was a baby. yourself.

Yes it is. An aunt doesn't have any parental rights.

Philomena you know that a parent has parental responsibility and an aunt doesn't, right?

I think you need to rethink the entire schedule.

EOW should be brought in. Why should you get the hard slog days, and then he waltzes in every Friday evening to whisk her away for the fun part of growing up?

Tell him you're switching to EOW so you can also have fun time with her on the weekends.

And alternate Christmases and major holidays if he doesn't want to split the days.

The thing is, because he works back shifts he won't be able to take her an evening a week and I know for a fact that there will be a huge fuss if I suggest EOW as I have already suggested one weekend a month she stays here and he told me I was out of order trying to take his time away with her. I don't want that at all and so the current arrangement has stood.

Bollocks. It's not just his time, it's your time, too.HE chose to move far enough away that makes it harder for him to see his own daughter, not you. And you're entitled to weekends with her, too. A court would order EOW, which means it's not just his time with her, it's yours, too.

Get legal advice and get a new visitation schedule in place.

He'll have to sort out his shifts that's his problem. You 're equally entitled to weekend time with Dd.

Does he pay child maintenance?

I wasn't sure how a court would work that out, as in if they would take his work patterns into consideration or he would be expected to change it in order to have DD. I don't think he realises how lucky he is, to be able to work full time and to not have to worry about child care.
He gives me £40 a month.

£40 a month? What?
Go to www.cmooptions.org.uk and put his salary in the child maintenance calculator.

Sorry wrong link. It's www.cmoptions.org

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable too. You don’t get the rights to your child for Christmas just because of the very emotive reasons you gave in your OP.

However I don’t think the child should be dragged between houses all in the one day. I think you need to be firm and end the push-pull in the long run - insist she stays with you this year, but next year she goes to them. Maybe this year she goes to them on Boxing Day.

Your DD won’t be this pliable for many more years. My DD started having input about where she wanted to be for a Christmas when she was 4. She’s 6 now, and this year we asked her where she wanted to be for Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day (she can choose to be somewhere different each day if she likes) We’re respecting her wishes, although one parent “lost out” so to speak. Maybe next year she’ll want something different.

Oh forgot to add, I totally agree about changing to EOW. When school starts you’ll thank yourself for that. Otherwise you’ll never get quality time with her. A court will see it that way too if he disagrees.

I do agree that you should change to every other weekend. You deserve weekends with your DD too.

The amount he gives you is low. Is it accurate? I know that him having your DD every weekend will decrease the amount he should be giving you but it still seems low.

Stop pandering to him. He gives you £40 a month and takes all the fun weekend time. FUCK THAT. He's having you on.

EoW from now on, plus proper maintenance. THEN, and only then, should you be having any discussion about Xmas.

Start with the EoW now otherwise by the time she gets to school it will be an established pattern that will be harder to break and you'll barely get to see your DD whilst he gives you £40 a month for the pleasure of it.

Urgh.

OP a court wouldn't put together a detailed plan for you. You would put forward proposals and if you couldn't agree on certain aspects the court would rule on what's best for DD. If his shifts mean he can't have her during the week then perhaps he would only see her EOW or you choose a day between you and if he's able to he has her and if not he doesn't see her. It's not great but his shift issues won't result in him being awarded any more weekend time than you.

FWIW I don't agree it's fair to as a child what they want to do until they are much older. It puts a lot of pressure on them and potentially exposes them to manipulative behaviour.