To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

Let him come and get her Boxing Day. Grandparents are out of order, you don't demand, ask nicely.

And take the equivalent time back, perhaps at new year. You won't be able to split her birthday once she goes to school unless he takes leave, so this all needs a shake up anyway.

An hour with a solicitor or mediation might help if you can't agree

He has as much right to see her as you do, if it's his 'turn' then that's tough, it'll be your 'turn' soon. As a mother you have no more rights than her father.

He is 29 and honestly I think he stays with his parents as it's convenient to have live in babysitters, his parents are more than happy to be so

So theoretically he could have residency of his DD and Op could have her on weekends going forward. Hmmm...

I am going to be the bearer of bad news the courts will order altertive chirstmas's irrespective of whos day it normally is as i can just picture when it is 2 or 3 Christmases in a row that is NRP the OP would change her tune.

Umm no. They don't want to. They could but they don't want to. That's their choice. The OP doesn't have to do something she is deeply uncomfortable with because they don't want to do something that they easily could.

It's not dropping around the corner, it's two hours of driving. OP can be as uncomfortable as she likes, but a court would order alternate years, so either she gets herself a drivers licence and car and is prepared to drive for two hours on Christmas Day, or she accepts that her DD will only be with her every second Christmas day.

AFAIK it's the parent who moves who has to travel to facilitate contact.
It does seem unfair that he has her every weekend, and seeing as you might want to get alternate Christmas Days formalised perhaps you'd be best talking to a solicitor about how to adjust contact so that it's fairer.

I think if you let her go this year without formalising how things work, I would expect them to pull the same stunt on her birthday and then when talking about next Christmas want to split the day again, so only split on your turn.
I would tell them if they want to alternate that is fine but you are going first and then next year start saving for court fees to get this all formalised before you end up with all term time week days and he ends up with all weekends and holidays by slowly moving the goalposts and making you feel unreasonable.

one thing that strikes me is that you get Monday to Friday - early bedtimes for school, making the packed lunches, etc., in other words all the hard work. And he gets every weekend - the time to do the fun stuff with his daughter

I too am struck by that. A very unusual and bad arrangement and much more problematic in the long run than Christmas and birthdays.

I don't think I have any more rights than her father and if that's come across it's due to my bad wording, not how I feel. I do think I have more responsibility however and am more responsible.
On the other hand though, neither does he have more rights than me, so I don't see why he should be able to dictate, change plans when he likes and I should be responsible and facilitate this by buying a car I cannot afford to drive?
It's really interesting that a court would likely say he should travel and it looks like this will be the only way to make sure things are set in place and stuck to. Thank you for the advice.

I think that ideally you should both learn to drive in order to facilitate drop off and pick up. If you don't live near each other, it's not ideal to rely 100% on public transport or lifts from other people.

Obviously learning to drive is not easy or cheap and if he has more time and money to do so he should be the one to do it as a priority. However, longer term I think you should consider how you might manage it if it will make your DD's life easier. You don't have to own and run a car but it would be good to have the option to hire one or maybe even borrow a close friend or relative's car if they agree and you could add yourself to their insurance.

Transport isn't the only issue though and I think you need to revisit all the arrangements as I've already said.

FWIW I think EOW with some contact during week, then some kind of fair arrangement for holidays including Christmas. Alternate years (starting with you this year!) with maybe the occasional year when the day is split, which obviously depends on transport. I don't think it's fair for grandparents to be doing all the driving every single Christmas Day.

OP mentioned that her previous partner was abusive and, IMO, her DD’s father has disrespected her in the past and continues to.

Part of being a parent is showing our children how to behave as reasonable humans and if you allow someone to disrespect you, it’s not setting a good example. You should not be allowing your DDs to grow up thinking that it’s normal for a man to mess you about and be aggressive to get his own way.

The OP sounds like a nice person but she is making the classic mistake of being too accommodating.

Her Ex needs to be firmly told that his relationship with his DD is not about his rights as a father but his responsibilities to his DD.

Her Ex moved away and therefore he should facilitate contact.

Contact should be EOW plus one tea time during the week. The EX can rearrange his life to accommodate the tea time weekly access or not. It is his decision as to how important time with his daughter is to him.

All important days such as birthdays should be with whoever has access on that date with the exception of Christmas which should be alternated.

School holidays should be split fairly and if the EX declines to have his DD for equal time, he should contribute to child care for the equivalent time.

OP should explain to the EX (although frankly he is a complete idiot to need to be told) that any further aggression or loss of temper on his part will result in her only communiacating by email with him. Both parties should treat each other with courtesy and politeness in front of the children.

This all needs to be set out in a Court order to protect both the OP and the DDs.

It's a tough decision to make and I do agree with some pps that either you both or one of you learns to drive or split a taxi between you.
When I was a child,my parents divorced at age 5,the court order was that mum had my brother and I Christmas day and my father had us boxing day,it was up to them to organise pick ups and family eventually settled into a routine whereby if grandparents/extended family either side wanted to see us,they knew what days we were at which parent. During the week,mum had us and the weekend was fathers depending on his work pattern. Just be an adult even though somedays it sucks and show your girls why you are a strong woman.

OP I'm going to agree here that you need to think about the long term and what is fair for your daughter, because she's the one who has the rights here.

They can't just tell you that the contact arrangments are changing for Christmas. It may be better in the long run to alternate the day but as you have a precedent of a split day that should continue unless all parties agree otherwise or a court orders otherwise. Let them worry about the travel.

You must sort out the weekend thing. Once she is at school she needs to be able to spend quality time with you as well so you need to start doing EOW now. That is absolutely standard and your ex cannot argue to have every weekend. He doesn't have a leg to stand on in that respect. Don't be scared to bring it up. He is not in the right on that one.

You need to come up with an agreement on how Christmas, birthdays (and Mother's/Father's day and your/his birthdays, if they are important to you) work moving forwards that you all agree to stick to. Think about what will happen once she's at school about the holidays.

What day Christmas falls on has no bearing and if you are thinking that way be ready for that argument to come back at you when it falls on a weekend.

It's frustrating that often the RP deals with the majority of the hard work of parenting but special days and holidays get split equally with the NRP but that's just the way it is and you have to make the most of it.

One of my younger sisters have this situation..
One year, her dad came over Christmas day to see her at my mum's house but now she's older, he picks her up on Boxing Day.

In my opinion YANBU at all.

I bet she'd rather be with you anyway!

In our house we do a year about with step daughter.

One year she will stay on xmas eve and wake up and open all her presents then go back to her mum about 1pm-2pm

The next year she will stay with her mum on xmas eve and come to us about 1pm-2pm and stay for dinner etc.

I think this way works out fairest for everyone. You should tell ex that this is how its going to be and he can split the day as normal or see her on boxing day/christmas eve

I'm quite glad so many people see the unfairness in him having her every weekend (and that it's commonly court ordered), tbh I thought that was a definite YABU.
The thing is, because he works back shifts he won't be able to take her an evening a week and I know for a fact that there will be a huge fuss if I suggest EOW as I have already suggested one weekend a month she stays here and he told me I was out of order trying to take his time away with her. I don't want that at all and so the current arrangement has stood.
I have pointed out to him too regarding another situation, that his work pattern isn't really my problem and that he needs to work this out, but apparently if he even suggests a change of shifts to his work it will result in him loosing his job and then he won't be able to take DD at all as he will have no money
I think this has given me a bit of confidence going forward to press the issue of EOW and pp are right that it's better to start before nursery and school and get all this sorted.
I don't want this to go to court, but I am thinking now perhaps it is in DD's best interests as when she gets older this will become quite different and confusing for her.

Ffs. Why have they got to drive (4 hours round trip btw). There is transport every day but 25/12. She's not a child who never has an overnight so she can stay over one night. Op may accommodate that before or after, or her dad can visit, take her out for the day. This year it's not possible for 25/12 as it would mean two nights extra stay.
Don't let him bully you.

I’m quite confused by many of the responses here after reading on so many other threads how unfair it is on children to have to split their day and spend an hour travelling between parents. Courts would order alternates so you could think about that and start new traditions on another day. Or you could learn to drive so that next year you could split the day but I don’t think his family are being unreasonable for not wanting to spend 2 hours driving to collect your Dd when they would most likely love to see her on Christmas morning.

Sorry a load more responses have just loaded up(?). It should be EOW as especially when she starts school you both need that nice weekend time with her so it’s unfair he has her every weekend.

We used to do alternate Christmases and on the years I didn't have my DS I would do a "second Christmas" after Christmas. We just did Christmas on a different day! It was lovely!

It wouldn't be a 4 or even 2 hour round trip FWIW. Xmas day there will be hardly any traffic so it wouldn't take them anywhere near that amount of time.
I don't expect his parents to drive, I have offered taxi half way, what I do expect is that plans should be kept to and I don't really understand why it's my responsibility to then change all my plans because he obviously hadn't bothered to make arrangements before committing to the split day and has left me all year thinking this was the plan.
I think I have decided, as pp suggested that this year we will split or she will stay here. After that we can do alternate if splitting is no longer an option.

Just a note about formalising the arrangements. I suggest mediation. This is a first step that you would have to take before going to court anyway.