To feel siblings should get priority visiting new baby

[stargazing85]

AIBU to want my dc to meet their new brother/sister before the rest of the family? My dc will be cared for by my mum when I'm in hospital. I've asked her if she can bring them up to the hospital the day after I have the baby (we are not having visitors the day of the birth) and DH will meet her downstairs and bring dc up to see me for a few minutes before my mum comes up. This is what I did last time and I enjoyed the experience. The problem I have is my mum has to wait till ds finishes school before she can come up which will probably be nearer 3pm before she gets in and dhs mum wants to visit before that time at 2pm when visiting hours begin as she has plans she doesn't want (nor do I expect her) to change. DHs mum could easily come up the day after if she wanted as I know I will be kept in for at least 3 days if not 4. I've always felt siblings should be the next family members to meet the new baby and DH has always agreed with me but now I feel he is wavering a bit because his mum wants to visit first the day after so she can leave earlier to attend her other plans. AIBU to feel strongly about this and stick to my plans?

From a grandmother's perspective, apart from thinking that the whole thing about worrying about who sees a baby first is crazy, we looked after No1 when No2 was born and Nos 1 and 2 when No3 was born, we took the older child/ren to the hospital, met Father downstairs, handed them over and went for a coffee, going up later.
I would like to say something quite seriously and hope no-one takes it as a criticism. Lots of people on this site talk about anxiety and stress affecting their lives. Does anyone else think that it's situations like this, who sees a new baby when, that lead to unnecessary anxiety because people overthink things?

I recall having a lovely plan after No2 was born, I would meet No1 on the corridor, make a fuss of her then take her into my room to meet her new sister. As soon as I went to hug her all she could do was push me away, Where's my sister, want to see my sister! The best laid plans.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall i took mine out of school to meet their baby sibling who had been born in the middle of the night before. I didn't ask permission I informed the school where my children were, they had the choice to authorise it or not. It was an authorised absence.

Op I sympathise, I have similar anxieties surrounding my labours, births and the early days. I think it's hormonal and think people are being unecessarily harsh because they just dont get it. In your circumstances I would arrange for my mum to pick my children up at lunchtime. I think postponing MIL until the next day is harsh. Either that or let them come at dinner time on the first day and scrap the idea of having a day to yourself.

People who are criticising just dont get how you feel but lots of us do.

tilly
Lots of people on this site talk about anxiety and stress affecting their lives. Does anyone else think that it's situations like this, who sees a new baby when, that lead to unnecessary anxiety because people overthink things?

i think you have hit the nail on the head. I have had counselling and CBT which has led me to the conclusion that i suffer from anxiety and depression mainly because i aim for perfection all the time. Inevitably I fall short and my experiences fall short. I should learn not to overplan but the instinct is to plan even more carefully next time.

Plot it out too carefully and you probably pretty much guarantee going into spontaneous labour before the planned date.

Pull the kids out of school early! It's a special occasion and I'm sure the suspense of meeting their new ist sibling is killing them!

Lots of people on this site talk about anxiety and stress affecting their lives. Does anyone else think that it's situations like this, who sees a new baby when, that lead to unnecessary anxiety because people overthink things?

I have to wholeheartedly agree with this. I literally couldn’t have given a monkey’s who visited either of my children first. I just sent a message saying he was here and then greeted anyone who wanted to visit us. I obviously wanted to see my older child ASAP but if he’d been pipped to the post by my, say, grandmother, it would’ve been a non-issue.

Were planning on DD seeing our new baby first.

She's staying with my mum during the birth and have decided that we won't tell anyone else baby has arrived until DD has been to visit.

I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting your children to be the first to see a sibling and @stargazing85 you're MIL could easily come at a different time.

We did this OP.

My parents were in the waiting room with DD while I gave birth to DS. They made a fuss with her about how she gets to be the first one to meet her brother, how exciting etc.

DH went and got her, she had a cuddle and opened her special present from her new brother, then DH went and got my parents

I was quite ill in pregnancy so spent a lot of time in bed or hospital, so it was really important to us that DD was made to feel special after what we’d all been through.

DH’s parents visited that night, he didn’t call them until after DS was born as they were seperating and couldn’t stop trying to get DH to take sides/bad mouthing each other and he didn’t want them ruining the moment. 100% his decision.

I’d take your DC out of school early OP, make it really special.

Another one whose baby was resuscitated at birth. Over two months in NICU later he met DS1 for the first time. Before that every NICU nurse had come by for pictures and cuddles. DS1’s school let him off for the afternoon after registration to pick up his baby brother AND the school principal arranged for cake and flowers to be sent to our house to congratulate us on getting him home. The moment DS1 met DS2 was important (I have a lovely video of DS2 yelling his head off and then settling into his brother’s arms and calming down instantly and falling asleep) but the actual order in which people met him was not.
With DS1 after DH, BIL was the first person to meet him and then my oldest friend (male as it happens) who then went home with DH and helped to build the crib. My sister and family arrived as they left and held DS1 while I napped and woke me up when he needed feeding. More importantly, my sister helped me to figure out breastfeeding and latching. My niece was there too and we have some lovely photos of everyone. All very lovely memories and mostly none of these were engineered.

Too precious OP.
The overriding memory from this will be keeping your DM waiting & inconveniencing your MIL.
You can't have absolute control when you are also 'planning' to rely on other's generosity. They don't have to help you so much with childcare you know.

What's with this "First....." thing? (First Visit, First Outfit, First Cuddle....). First visitor for me was my cousin's wife, not especially close, but very loving, and desperate to conceive. No-one cared.about Childbirth Rituals and Protocols, specially not exDH's parents, who couldn't be bothered at all.

I don't think either dc1 or dc2 will have the slightest memory of who met who first.

Yanbu its what i would do.:D . Possibly do what others have suggested and bring dc out a bit earlier ? Or only have dc meet baby on the day with your dh going to pick dc up from.mum and dropping back off tgen everyone else the next day x

all this micromanaging of family life surely must have a huge effect on people's mental health.

Having a baby is supposed to be a joyous occasion. Neither the baby or the sibling will care or remember who met who first. And it really doesn't matter. Who walks through the door first has absolutely no bearing on whether the children will like each other, bond or not bond, play up/kick off.

Dh and I had already seen dd's 2nd baby before we took Gdd of only 15 months to meet him. It was lovely to see how excited she was to give him a cuddle - I wouldn't have missed it for anything. It would honestly never have occurred to my dd to make us wait - especially since we were looking after Gdd in the interim.
I think you're being very precious about it. It won't make the slightest difference to any other dc, who sees the baby first.
Maternityzilla indeed. There's a lot of it on MN.

No YANBU Our daughter wanted to be the first to meet her new sibling and she was. My MIL had been watching her while I was in hospital, my hubby went home and picked up both my MIL and our daughter, MIL waited in the waiting room for a few minutes while our daughter met her little brother then came in.

For me it was such a special moment seeing my two little people meet that I wouldn't have got if other people were there as well.

YABU this is completely ridiculous. I cannot remember if my mother say DC2 before DC1 did and I had the baby less than a year ago.

I'd send DH out to get our children and bring them himself then he can leave and take them back himself - the first day too, I wouldn't let me children wait to meet their sibling

The mums can come the next day

Sorted!

This is a weird one because most people say "whatever the women who's just given birth wants, she gets".
And I agree with that.
If it's what makes you happy then do it, I do think planned moments don't normally go to plan but try and do what makes you happy.
My DS will be about 20mo when DC2 is born, he will be looked after by MIL and they will both be coming to the first set of visiting hours together, then DH is going to go home with DS and leave me with new baby. It's going to be hard without DH there but I don't want my DS to feel anymore pushed out and confused than he probably already will be. He won't care at all about his new baby brother or sister, it just makes sense for us to he able to see each other for a bit and for DH to take him home.
But if your kids are in school they will have a better memory of the experience than a 20mo. So it's totally up to you.

I would like to add that when dh finally bought my ds1 in, my mum was in the room ready. So she was able to film ds1s reaction which was absolutely the best thing we ever did. You'll never see that moment again otherwise. I still watch that vid now and it still brings tears to my eyes! Wouldn't have wanted me or dh to film it as we'd have missed the real life bit!

No offence but come on does it really matter, not the biggest deal in the world.kids wont really care. Your making mountains out of moehills...

I think this is a classic late pregnancy worry that will go as soon as your baby is born- I was really overdue with my second and third and so grandparents on both sides did a rota of babysitting while I was being induced and so there was always a grandparent there when we came home with the new baby- it was fine and they always let the kids be first to see, 'hold' the baby before they did. It didn't take away from it being a special moment

I don't get this meet the baby first crap... it's not like something wears off or they look noticeably different. Stop making drama.

For what it is worth with my ds2 my friend who lived near the hospital popped in to see him. Then my sister came. Dc1 met him 2 days later when we got home...as far as I'm aware it made meeting him no less special. My in-laws didn't even see him till they arrived from abroad at a week old.
Youre being ridiculous.