To feel siblings should get priority visiting new baby

[stargazing85]

AIBU to want my dc to meet their new brother/sister before the rest of the family? My dc will be cared for by my mum when I'm in hospital. I've asked her if she can bring them up to the hospital the day after I have the baby (we are not having visitors the day of the birth) and DH will meet her downstairs and bring dc up to see me for a few minutes before my mum comes up. This is what I did last time and I enjoyed the experience. The problem I have is my mum has to wait till ds finishes school before she can come up which will probably be nearer 3pm before she gets in and dhs mum wants to visit before that time at 2pm when visiting hours begin as she has plans she doesn't want (nor do I expect her) to change. DHs mum could easily come up the day after if she wanted as I know I will be kept in for at least 3 days if not 4. I've always felt siblings should be the next family members to meet the new baby and DH has always agreed with me but now I feel he is wavering a bit because his mum wants to visit first the day after so she can leave earlier to attend her other plans. AIBU to feel strongly about this and stick to my plans?

Good idea re the blindfolded midwife. Doctors should also be blindfolded if the need arises.
And then of course everyone else in the hospital who may catch a glimpse as they walk past should be blindfolded. What about other newborns on the ward? Maybe rather than blindfolded, their heads could be manipulated to lie in the opposite direction?

What a perfectly ridiculous scenario. Talk about making problems where none exist. You have to have a bit of flexibility in life or you will never be happy.

*I’m 38wks pregnant with DC2 and the first person that will be mtg the new baby (other than DH and medical staff obvs) will be DD1 and I don’t want any other family member eg grandparent, in the room when she does.

I don’t really care if MN thinks unreasonable or not, it’s what me & DH wants and we’ll never have that moment again.*

The key point here Superstar is that you didn’t ask for opinions. The OP did.

My eldest was the first to see his brother but my DH went home and collected him! Couldn't your DH pick him up from school?

I think you're massively overthinking this. I don't think I even really thought about it when dc2 came along, dc1 was looked after by my parents and then they brought him along to meet dc2 along with themselves.

But if your mum accompanies your DC into the room, it's not like she's seeing the baby before them is it?
My in laws brought my dc in to meet the new baby and it's a really special moment and one that I was pleased I could share with my in laws. Why would you deny your mother the pleasure of seeing her grandchildren's reaction to their new sibling? Why does that have to be a private moment?

Um ... apologies for the mansplaining here ... but am I the only person on this thread to think that when a woman is about to give birth then everyone around her, including inlaws in particular, should do their utmost to gracefully go along with the preferences of the new mum-to-be rather than making demands to suit their own convenience?

As LokiBear pointed out, OP’s other children will face the biggest change in their lives and their needs should definitely by taken care of as best as is possible. But why should’t the other adults put their own preferences aside for at least a few days?

Finally, what’s with the piling on to OP and calling her ‘‘precious’, ‘mean-spirited’, ‘ridiculous’, etc.? FFS she’s having a baby!

I wouldn't be worried about MiL seeing the baby first. But I completely get wanting it to be special for the kids. Mine were genuinely thrilled to meet their sibling both times.

I also have no doubt their school would let them out, with great excitement, for the occasion.

Oysterbabe
"behold, the new messiah, none of our lives will ever be the same again"

That's how I've been feeling throughout the whole thread 😂 I can't belive such a big deal is being made tbh but each to their own. I'm glad my family just all muddle together and get on with it.

Your kids really will not care that mil meets baby first.

I had the same issue OP, MIL was looking after my (then) 3yo whole DS was born, DD had struggled coming to terms with having a sibling and I wanted to do the meeting part all very carefully and sensitively with DD meeting her brother before anyone else.

But in the end I just couldn't ask MIL to wait outside like second class citizen hired help. That was her grandson and she'd helped us out and had gone with DD to get DS a present beforehand. How could I ask her not to come in?

And it turned out fine in the end as MIL took loads of photos of our little new family of 4, so I was very pleased she was there in the end.

Sorry but I think this is ridiculous. It should not matter whether they or your mil see baby first. Utterly precious.

And now no one remembers who met him in what order and no one cares! DD just finds him annoying TBH 😂

I'm in the 'little bit ridiculous' camp, here. I can't even remember in what order my my family (including DC1) "met" DC2 (ELCS, so was also in hospital for 3 days).

Completely agree with @bridgetreilly about 'making memories'. Just get on with living. Some bits will stick and become memories. But the great thing is that you never know which bits they will be. And, sometimes, the bits your DC will remember will be things you have no recollection of whatsoever. That's what makes us human, not contrived "memory-making" and pre-written narratives (e.g. about the first meeting between your DC).

Your children won’t know who or who has not visited the baby. The baby won’t know. You seem to be creating ‘status’ out of simple loving visits.

And if you create a hierarchy like this then expect your Mum to have to wait because she is the one looking after your kids....

Welcome people withlout fuss

If you’re set on doing this, why post asking if you being unreasonable!

I presume you are having a CS on a known date and time?

OP said clearly up thread that her DM was quite happy sending the DC in for a few minutes first. She only made two posts on this thread, if its too much trouble to read that much before posting and opinion? why bother

I can remember my DM uggesting sending in the older DCs first but since we are talking a gap of minutes it hardly mattered either way.

I am regularly bemused here at the entitlement expressed to seeing babies "vagina fresh" and not one microsecond later than the "other side" of the family (both ways around) rather than just waiting for the cue of the new parents.

There's no rule about this sort of thing. I doubt your children would mind if grandparents saw your new baby before them.

Congratulations btw.

Of course a new mum can have preferences.

But preferences are not an excuse for blatant rudeness.

If she didn't want any visitors, her decision.
If she only wanted immediate family, her decision.

But she is asking her mum to look after her children, get them around, deliver them to the hospital, but then wait outside like the servant for no good reason, honestly.

Ditto for MIL. Happy for her to visit her in the hospital, not an issue at all, but only after her children have been marched through when they or the baby honestly won't know the difference?

it's rude and silly.

She'd be better off saying no visitors at all until we get home.

YABU Asking family to queue up in order of priority to meet your baby is absolutely ridiculous, especially as your dh if left to his own decisions doesn't seem on the same page.

No one will care who sees the baby first, except those who are further down your guest list and are made to wait at home. Do you really think your children in the excitement of meeting their sibling will care if their gran(s) were in earlier that day? DH's gran was the first to meet ds in the morning, just due to her not working and dh had popped home and was able to give her a lift when he was heading back.

How lovely would it be for your mum after all her help to see her dgc meet their sibling instead of standing in the corridor like hired help. How lovely would it be for your children to share this with their gran(s). How hurt must your MIL be to know even though you are ok for visitors and she is available and desperate to come to see her son and his wife with her new gc but she cant until the priority guests have been in first later in the day when she has plans?

Surely you want your child's entrance to be happy for everyone and hurtful for no one, don't over plan it, just let the people who are closest to you and your dh be excited for you and visit for a few minutes to meet the baby whenever they can.

Will you be announcing the name in batches too so the most important people get phone calls first and are sworn to secrecy till it’s filtered down to WhatsApp friends and then finally Facebook friends? I know someone who did this and it was tedious and ridiculous to have to tell people that yes the baby has a name but no you can’t tell them what it is because not everyone knows yet. Guess what? People got bored waiting to find out after 2 weeks and showed little interest upon the grand reveal. Think yourself lucky that you have people wanting to visit and someone to help with your children, plenty don’t. You have no idea What will happen on the day and you may actually be grateful for mil and her visit for when there are no nurses around and you are struggling to move.

What a pantomime! Ranking relatives in order of importance- is this the maternity equivalent of bridezilla?

So if your mother was the one with the pressing engagement who couldn't/wouldn't change the time and your mother in law had the kids would you tell your mother to come another day or is it because she is not your mother but your husband's?

OP I think you’re getting a hard time here.

My DS1 was the first family member to meet DS2 other than us of course. I had DS2 on the Sunday evening, i wanted DH to bring DS1 in on the Monday but there was strict infection control measures in place on the ward so children were not allowed in. Luckily we went home on the Monday evening - we couldn’t have had visitors anyway because we went home just as visiting hours started. DH brought DS1 home on Tuesday morning and we spent the day together the 4 of us. Grandparents visited on the Wednesday.

My DS1 is very sensitive and I didn’t want an influx of excited grandparents coming in and making a fuss of his baby sibling before he’d had a chance to get used to the idea.

8 months on, the boys adore each other and always have. They have an amazing bond, I’ve never had to worry about the older one poking baby in the eye etc. I think part of it is to do with how we handled things in the beginning.

It doesn’t matter a jot when grandparents visit, it DOES matter to the older sibling how you handle things at this stage. Neither set of grandparents minded at all.