Christmas day: would you travel in car 1+ hour each way with 2 young dc to family and back?

[zombina]

Trying to keep this neutral to see if I'm BU.
It's been suggested that we go to a family member for Christmas Day (along with other members of the family who would also be there). However it would involve driving at least an hour each way with DDs (4 and crawling weaning baby who wakes up loads in the night). Not able to stay over.
I'm thinking the hassle, trying to get DC plus equipment in the car on Christmas day and trying to work around sleep make this an awful idea but family have expressed surprise.

I generally also don't think it's fair to make people try and work around a baby's (or toddler's) routine and when they don't sleep/eat when they need to it's just a bloody nightmare and no-one can relax. But it's more the travelling I'm a bit at.

If you have multiple young DC would you do this?

Slightly off topic but wow, it sounds like your 4 year old rules the roost.

Its not that far, go if you want too. It will be what you make of it.

OP you don't owe anyone your misery. It sounds like you have valid reasons for not doing this.

YANBU! People who say you can pass the baby to the relatives and sit back and relax, yeah big fat right When our DC where very little, we did couple of Christmases at DH family and whilst these were nice Christmases and they are nice people, not one person (and there were many) never offered to take our DC off our hands.

And I never expected them to, they are my responsibility. But don’t come suggesting here that relatives will give you a chance to relax.

It’s exhausting to police a crawling baby in someone else’s house. Especially when they have a one giant open display cabinet full of little nick nacks. You can’t leave the baby out of your sight for one minute. Why put yourself through that when you could sit back and relax in your appropriately childproofed home.

I love spending the Christmas Day at home with just us, I’m self employed and Christmas season is my busiest time of the year so all I want to do is to relax at home on the day spend it with my DH and DC. And not to live to anyone else’s schedule. The day is what you make out of it. It’s plenty special for us.

To be bit PA, what a shame some people seem to think it’s the worst to be home with just their spouse and DC

Christmas with my family when I was little is one of my most treasured memories. Even before I was born, my mum and dad took turns on hosting, one on Christmas day, one on boxing day and visa versa. For up to 18 people in 2 small houses. As my relatives lived 40 minutes away we had to travel at least one of those days. My sister and I were the youngest as our cousins were 10 years or so older. It was fantastic and we still talk about it today. Unfortunately we have lost a few family members recently and don't meet up for Christmas now. I'd give my right arm to experience one of those Christmases again.

However. Making kids wait until after dinner/ evening to open their presents isn't fair and I'm with you on this!

• mum and dad hosting one day, my aunt and uncle the other! Doh

You're obviously actually annoyed that they're not making room for you to stay, so are choosing to stay home. I don't think an hour's drive is a big deal but you don't want to go and that's fair enough really, it's your Christmas and you know your children best. I'd love to be home for Christmas too, it's not unreasonable to want to stay at home. But I think you should be clear about the reason you're not going, to yourself and to your relatives - it's because they're not accommodating you overnight.

YANBU. At all. Ignore the people with no imagination or compassion who are saying YABU.

It might be worth the extra effort and upheaval if the people you were visiting were actually accommodating in any way, if they could offer you a room (overnight and/or for daytime naps) and if they could be a bit more understanding of the children's needs - not changing the whole day to suit them but at least offering some food for them or allowing you to feed them when they need it.

I've taken my son to family events that aren't child friendly and it's stressful, I can imagine that it's harder with two children and not what you want on Christmas Day.

It sounds as if your husband agrees with you so just do what you want, you certainly don't need the approval of the harsh AIBU crowd!

And YY to what PP said about making the children wait for their presents. That's a bit cruel tbh. They could let the children open presents earlier and still do adults' presents later. And the children would then be able to play with presents which would keep them happy and make things easier for the adults.

It’s exhausting to police a crawling baby in someone else’s house. Especially when they have a one giant open display cabinet full of little nick nacks.

Oh god, they do actually have this! It's very lovely with lots of attractive little things that kids make a beeline for!

Im another with different species dc.
However mine hardly ever slept.
Relatives wanting you to go to them but leave out mixture of: medicine, washing powder, sharp letter openers, kettle on a towel overhanging the side, fire on, hot drinks around etc. Similar to op dp gets distracted even at my side and is pretty much no help. I fact ends up making me really cross as he is sat watching films etc while i would be stopping kids on the stairs etc. Ive asked him to concentrate on stuff but no i end up doing it all.
Tbh op may well be better off at home. We had a huge blazing row last xmas in similar circs to op. 5yo and 2.5yo. I was completely exhausted from stayimg at family house and 2.5yrs with no sleep due to bf baby, 4 kids altogether running around, everything being moved around. I had hurt my hip the day before and had to go up and loe down so shouted to dp to look after dc (because i didnt want to walk that far with bad hip) and i got told off for shouting ended up in huge row. In our own house we have safety gates etc so staying elsewhee is clearly going to be more stressful. If people want you to go , relatives anf dh need to do their share. Of minding at least one dc and probably 2 at some point so you can get a bit of a break.

Is the 4yo trying to be controlling by not going? Even at 6.5 my dd still 'refuses' when asked to go before going out and never ever takes herself knowing we are going out soon. To me it seems like pda/odd in that she is avoiding the demand. She is the same over getting dressed and especially shoes. She even does all this if she wants to go somewhere.
I think relatives need to be more flexible for children if they want you to go. We have this a lot we dmum is incredibly stubborn everything has to be on her timetable. She gets up really late generally (sometimes after 1pm) so if they visit it is at least after noon which is then when the toddler is tired and putting in the car can mean falling asleep or grouchy when going out. Other side of the family is just as bad in own way and basically do what they want ending up with very grouchy dc.

4yo is generally sweet but can get up and start getting engrossed in playing immediately so we have trained her to get dressed as soon as she gets up, before breakfast, so going to pre-school etc is ok. It's more then as we need to get ready she starts playing something else and needs a lot of coaxing to go get shoes on, go to loo etc while we are trying to pack up car, get baby fed, changed, etc.

Loo habits are starting to concern me a bit as we've been round the houses with potty training and now she seems to hold it all day then do a lot of wee in pullup at night. But that's a separate issue... she just doesn't want to be made to go if she doesn't feel like she needs a wee.

In an ideal world we'd get up first and get ourselves ready but we need every minute of sleep we can and when I'm up at 1, 3 and 5 often the baby has longest sleep between 5 and 8 or so and I want to take advantage of that and get a full 3 hours! So end up getting woken by DC1!

Oh we all need extra sleep with a baby (I know the feeling, I have a non-sleeping 12 month old). I’m taking my three kids on a five hour journey to see family. But I’m not bothered about routines... and I think it’s all worth it to see family!

It sounds like you are very sleep deprived OP and that your 4 yr old demands a lot of attention. It probably wouldn't be a bad thing for her to either sit at the table with everyone else or entertain herself.

I had kids a lot younger than everyone else's on both sides of my family but we never missed out on dinner because of the kids and we didn't spend hours playing with the children directly - there was a lot of hustle and bustle and fun going on so we didn't need to. It sounds like your 4 yr old could do with learning to be a bit more independent and this might be a good way to start.

But if it's really stressing you that much stay home. But don't miss out for ever - children can enjoy themselves without constant input from adults and it would be a shame to not grow up feeling part of the bigger family. My sister always stayed home with her kids because her husband preferred it and she regretted it later. She felt like she'd missed out and her kids too - just being 5 of them at home rather being part of the wider family.

Yes, alternate years for the last 15 years. VIsiting SIL too however, who has similar aged DC so if we wanted to see them one of us had to do it. Not really a problem. Quite enjoyed being waited on.

Yes. YABU. Totally reasonable. It's only an hour.

I would. An hour either way is nothing to us. But it may be more of an inconvenience for you.

You are coming up with your own reasons why you don't want to go. All of them addressable.

Why are you only getting 4 hours sleep. That's not enough.

Baby can sleep in a Moses basket and toddler could have a lie down in anyone's bed if they've got their favourite teddy and are tired enough.

But it's pointless trying to address all the points with you, because you clearly don't want to.
So, just say so!!

Also i wouldn't worry about the 4yrs old having a wee in pull ups at night. Night time is a whole different ball game. DD1 was clean during the day by the time she was 2yrs old but only stopped having wees in bed when she turned 5yrs old. Her sister tho was clean day and night in one day just after her second birthday (her decision entirely as I'd kind of forgotten to do anything about it).

It's only an hour
You clearly don't want to go so just say so

a Moses basket? For a crawling baby?
4 yo stopped napping over a year ago.

I'm only getting 4 hours sleep because the baby doesn't sleep for longer than 4 hours at a time. I know it isn't enough. I find we all sleep more when she naps properly during the day. People are telling me to 'relax' this in order to visit relatives so I will have less sleep and a tired baby. To me this is not a solution for a merrier Christmas!

Doesn't sound like you want to go...so don't! X

I'd be staying at home, in fact I am staying at home. We're in a similar situation. Can't stay over due to DH working in the morning so we're staying put at home.

You sound like you really don't want to go. So don't.
You've probably came on here for back up / validation.
I don't get the issue with making your dd4 use the bathroom before you leave. Who is the adult here?
And even if she doesn't go at home, you can stop at a service station/ on the roadside if she needs a wee.
Plus it's only an hour??!!
You could bring a travel cot for the baby to accommodate their nap.
If you really wanted to go, you'd find a way to make it work. But you don't, so you probably won't.
And drinking when you're already so sleep deprived is a bad idea anyway. You'd be far better off staying away from booze with everything you've got going on

I guess people have skipped a lot of my posts (there have been a lot!)

I'm not going.
I was asking whether it was weird to expect someone in my situation to drive there and back for a few hours, taking time out of Christmas day to do so. Some people think seeing family is worth it, some think Xmas is all about relaxing and playing. So it's not weird although a lot of the people saying 'it's fine' clearly do not understand/remember what having a baby & small child involves (a moses basket though!)

Clearly it's possible! I have done it multiple times! I know exactly what it entails! I want to be with family but not at the cost of having a load of the usual hassle instead of Christmas magic for the kids - when we can just see them the next day.

Funnily enough, there's the 'Christmas present etiquette' thread where people describe their lovely Christmas days routines. Some of you should get over there because most of the posts are about larking about at home with fizz, bacon rolls, leisurely present-opening and no-one's posted about how amazing it is to schlep a teething baby into a car in the freezing rain for a few hours